hilarious authors

What is the nature of the border between truth and lies? It is permeable and blurred because it is planted thick with rumour, confabulation, misunderstandings and twisted tales. Truth can break the gates down, truth can howl in the street; unless truth is pleasing, personable and easy to like, she is condemned to stay whimpering at the back door.
—  Bring Up The Bodies, Hilary Mantel

catja  asked:

ngl i was hoping you'd reblog the reunion prompts list, “you’re famous and just got asked if you were ever in love this should be good– WAIT WHAT” au seemed super bellarke and also super your thing, slight preference for famous clarke but either way is great

under 2k it’s still good it’s still good


Bellamy would like to say he doesn’t care that his ex-girlfriend is famous. It’s not really a big deal, after all. Her fame came long after they’d stopped dating, high-school sweethearts who broke up in the natural way when they went off to different colleges. They kept in touch for a few years, saw each other on breaks and over summer vacations, but then his mother died and his sister went to live with his grandmother, and he started going home to a new state for breaks, and two years after that, Octavia told him Clarke was a singer.

So now he knows that his ex-girlfriend is still beautiful, still bright and just a little too serious and not great at being a celebrity, and if he still knew her for any reason except that she was famous, he’d probably call her up.

But it’s the fame thing, so instead he just keeps track of her as best he can without feeling like a creep. He buys her album, which is amazing, doesn’t actually follow any of her social media, but instead checks her official Twitter, which she absolutely does not run, and keeps track of all her singles and public appearances. Which is, he has on good authority, hilarious, because he’s generally the least musically aware person on the planet, and now he is an expert on exactly one pop-culture figure.

“You should absolutely call her,” his sister tells him. “Like, come on. It’s not like you’re some random creepy fan.”

“Yeah, I’m a specific creepy fan. That makes it so much better.”

“You guys dated,” she points out, not unreasonably. “Not that I want to think about this, but I assume you’ve seen her naked.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen you naked is a great way to start a conversation with a celebrity, O. It just makes them think you’re threatening to release a sex tape. Which I don’t have,” he adds, quickly. “Don’t worry. Just–seriously, it would be weird. I probably don’t even have her number any more.”

Keep reading

bruce’s middle name mentioned a few times in canon is anthony  (after his great uncle,  anthony wayne),  but i know the middle name thomas has also been ascribed to him.   so,   my bruce’s full name is bruce anthony thomas wayne.  not only is it properly long and pretentious for a high - brow snob like him,   the initials spell out to b.a.t. wayne.   bat wayne.

archiveofourown.org
Call to the Sky - cherishadamparrish - Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Title: Call to the Sky
Author: cherishadamparrish
Rating: G
Word Count: 6,540

Description: Single dad!Ronan finally meets the teacher, Mr. Parrish, that Opal has been blabbering about for weeks. Turns out Mr. Parrish is a lot younger than first imagined. And a lot prettier too.

Comments: This is an adorable teacher/single parent au!

anonymous asked:

Hi! I'm kind of new to Drarry but I already realized that I really like stories where Harry is pining over Draco, desperately in love with him but at the same time he's still strong Harry we all like. A bit of angst, hurt/comfort is very welcome too. Happy ending is a must :) So if you have something like this in mind, I'll be very grateful if you share. Thank you!

I loooove pining, so this was a lot of fun to do! I hope you like them! Also, since you’re kind of new to Drarry, I just want to add that all the authors on this list are A++. And reading more of their fics would be a VERY good idea.

Drarry + pining!Harry fic recs

Azoth by zeitgeistic (88k)
Now that Harry is back at Hogwarts with Hermione for 8th year, he realises that something’s missing from his life, and it either has to do with Ron, his boggart, Snape, or Malfoy. Furthermore, what, exactly, does it mean when one’s life is defined by the desire to simultaneously impress and annoy a portrait? Harry has no idea; he’s too busy trying not to be in love with Malfoy to care.
(So much pining, it’s amazing. Harry and Draco do their masters project together, they grow very close, there’s pining and longing and it hurtssss.)

Turn by Sara’s Girl (306k)
One good turn always deserves another. Apparently.
(This is the mother of all pining!Harry fics and exactly what you’ll want. He’s so desperately in love with Draco, he’s oh-so-strong, and I’m SO proud of him and the way he fights for his own happiness in this fic. Beautiful, beautiful thing.)

In Pieces by dysonrules (85k)
Harry returns to Hogwarts as the new DADA instructor, only to find his teaching efforts thwarted by a very familiar ghost.
(You have no idea how much I’ve cried over this one. It takes pining to a whole new level of suffering and I am so there for all of it. And yes, happy ending~)

A Piercing Comfort by talithan (44k)
When Harry Potter hits the lowest point of his life so far, it is not his friends who keep him honest. With Draco Malfoy’s patience and guidance, Harry learns to stand on his own. The thing is, after the fact—he’s no longer sure he wants to.
(MY FEELS, THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM. The focus is on Harry and his dealing with everything post-war. Will satisfy any hurt/comfort craving.)

Reparations by Sara’s Girl (87k)
Harry is about to discover that the steepest learning curve comes after Healer training, and that second chances can be found in unexpected places.
(This fic is so incredibly well-written, characterizations so on point, and Harry falls so hard for Draco. The pining, the slow burn, the sexual tension. Agh!)

Running on Air by eleventy7 (74k)
Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.
(I’m forever crying over this one. Gorgeous writing, so beautifully written, every single sentence is exquisite. It’s that melancholic kind of angst. Love it.) 

Stately Homes of Wiltshire by waspabi (57k)
Malfoy Manor has mould, dry rot and an infestation of unusually historical poltergeists. Harry Potter is on the case.
(One of the funniest fics I know, this author is hilarious. The pining is lovely, the characterization of Draco is a favorite of mine, and everything is awesome.)

The Boy Who Only Lived Twice by lettered (54k)
Harry Potter is an Unspeakable. Draco Malfoy is the wizard who shagged him. Adventure! Intrigue! Secret identities, celebrities, spies! It’s all right here, folks.
(This is one of the PUREST love stories ever, I have so many feels, it is fucking beautiful and it has ruined my life in the best way. Angsty pining galore!)

A Convenient Impracticality by firethesound (38k)
Somehow Harry ends up agreeing to a fake relationship with his ex-nemesis-turned-friendly-acquaintance-with-benefits, except for some reason it involves an awful lot of actual dating and, sadly, not much sex. Confused? Harry is too, but when has anything with Draco Malfoy ever been as straightforward as it seems?
(Delicious pining all over the place and the chemistry between Harry and Draco is off the charts. They’re both idiots, it’s hilarious, and the angst hurts me.)

archiveofourown.org
Finding That Love Song - LydiaStJames - Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Title: Finding That Love Song
Author: LydiaStJames
Rating: Mature
Word Count: 190,447

Description: Ronan Lynch dealt with his father’s sudden death by plunging into music. With high school coming to a close, and without any ambition to go to college, Ronan convinces his best friends to start a band. The only problem? They’re in need of a vocalist, and the young mechanic with the perfect voice is playing hard to get. (In other words, the gang makes a band AU.)

Comments: How did I miss this fic for so long??? This fic is SO GOOD, it kept me from actually working at work for a few days because I couldn’t stop reading. I’ve never seen a bad au that feels so realistic and manages to cover so much time and be so long while still having perfect pacing.

10

This W. S. was originally intended. On the reconstruction of the authorship of Hilary Doyle shows exactly how divided the body during transport. The tower shown here is conditional, in fact it was designed from scratch
Tower VK 30.01 on the defensive line, summer 1944. The VK 65.01 was to have a similar tower, but with the armor thickness of 80 mm
Final configuration of the VK 65.01. According to the documents, was made the body not armor steel
In this document, dated 4 April, 1941, has one of the first mentions of the future VK 70.01
Diesel engine Daimler-Benz MB.507, which was originally intended to be used as power plants for the new tank
The most powerful weapon that was intended for installation on German tanks. Further calculations the fact it has not moved
105-mm gun with a barrel length of 70 calibres had become by the spring of 1942 the main option of arming the VK 70.01
VK 72.01, attempt to create a lightweight version of the VK 70.01. As you can see on the edit, a clear opinion was not a promising armament of the tank, not even in his name. It is in this document referred to Pz.Kpfw. Löwe, Pz.Kpfw.VII
“Canonical” Pz.Kpfw. Löwe, drawing W 1661 April 7, 1942. Special attention to the frontal part of the body – it is made from a single bent sheet
Revamp the look of the Pz.Kpfw. Löwe from the front authored by Hilary Doyle. As in the case with the VK 30.01, many questions arise to the placement of the commander in the tower

archiveofourown.org
Allow Me to Exaggerate a Memory or Two - tothewillofthepeople - Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Title: Allow Me to Exaggerate  a Memory or Two
Author: tothewillofthepeople
Rating: T
Word Count: 2,902

Description: Adam was nervous like this, faced with early-morning Gansey and with the promise of early-morning Blue looming on the horizon. He tried not to think about Ronan instead. Adam and Ronan + four mornings

Comments: This short fic packs in a lot of emotion!

anonymous asked:

Question - as far as how tumblr Fandometrics for ships list that is going around is concerned, is it just based by how much a specific ship is used/tagged? Because, if so, aren't antis talking about reylo just helping it go up the list? That would be kind of hilarious TBH

I’m no authority, but I’m pretty sure that the antis’ incessant conversations about Reylo contribute towards its popularity on Fandometrics.

This is, of course, absolutely hilarious. 

The Audit

**Long story short, I found my old fic LJ/archive from 2005, and decided this absolutely needed to be posted.  It’s ridiciously bad, so much so that I found it hilarious.**

Author: PiecesofScully (in 2005)
Rating: R
Timeline: Unclear


Scully set the phone down in its cradle, a look of complete confusion spreading across her face.

“Who was it?” Mulder asked, as he typed on the computer. His eyes were still glued to the screen, and his fingers pressed rapidly against the keys on the key board.

“The accounting office. They said they need to speak with you about questionable purchases with a bureau credit card.”

“I’m being audited?”

“Sure sounds like it.”

Mulder continued typing for a few seconds, unphased by the news of a surprise audit….until it hit him.

“Oh….shit…” he muttered under his breath. He stood quickly, grabbed his jacket, and headed towards the door.

“Mulder?”

He stopped suddenly and turned back to Scully.

“Do you want me to come along?” She asked, sitting at the desk with her reading glasses on.

He shook his head. “Nah, I’ve got it. You stay here, and maybe we could go grab some lunch afterwards.”

Scully nodded, accepting the offer, and Mulder left the office, speed walking to the elevator.

How do I explain this one? He thought to himself as he pressed the ‘up’ button. Sorry, Mr. Accounting Man, Agent Scully and I were in need of a good humping and my credit card was declined, so I used the bureau’s card instead.

The doors opened and he stepped inside shaking his head. As the doors closed, all was silent except for the dull clank of shifting gears and one word being muttered over and over again.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Agent Mulder, I’ll start from the beginning. I’m going to need you to explain every purchase on the date of May 26th, 2000.” Mulder nods, his hand quickly wiping a bead of sweat that had escaped his hairline and began a quick slide towards his nose.

The young, squirley looking accountant shuffled through his notes and pulled out the sheet of paper he’d been searching for.

“$76.56 was spent at a restaurant called La Fleur, which is located in Sterling, Maine.” The accounting agent glanced at Mulder, waiting for his explanation, but the agent just stared back offering nothing of the sort.  “$76.56 is a lot to spend on a dinner, especially when I have documents saying that you and Agent Scully were on vacation, not investigating a case.“

Mulder cleared his throat. "Well, yeah, we were on vacation, but a case fell into our laps almost as soon as we’d arrived. We were hungry from driving all day, so we stopped at the only restaurant that was open and accepted credit cards.”

“I have no record of a case file being processed on the date of May 26th.”

“I have yet to finish the report, actually.”

“But $76.56, Agent?”

Mulder shrugged. “The food was expensive.”

The accountant nodded, then exhaled a long sigh. “I’ll say.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*One month ago*

Mulder finished the last bite of his chocolate desert, just as Scully had finished hers. The server must have been watching them closely, because just as Scully set her fork down, the bill was slipped onto the table. 

Scully smiled at Mulder, a lazily wide grin. Either she was a little tipsy from those 2 glasses of wine, or those oysters were finally kicking in.

He slipped his credit card into the small leather pocket of the folder, and the waitress took it away.

“You wanna head back to our room after this?” Mulder asked, reaching across the table to take her hand in his.

Scully shook her head. “Actually there is a store across the street I wanted to browse in first. Maybe get a little something for tonight.”

His eyes glowed with excitement. He’d seen the store she was referencing when they’d pulled into the restaurant’s parking area. It was a lingerie/sex-toy store. Naughty Time something or other.

“I’ll go see what’s keeping the waitress with the receipt.” He brushed a kiss on her temple, and walked to the front counter.

“Miss?”

Their waitress turned to him, his credit card in her hand. “I’m sorry, sir, but your card has been declined.”

Mulder stood there, stunned. “That’s impossible. Could you run it through again?”

“Of course, sir.”  She slid his card through the machine again, and after a short pause and a quiet beep, she shook her head. “Declined again, sir. Perhaps you have another card you’d like to try.”

Mulder pulled out his wallet and searched the card slots. License, library card, blood donor card, bureau credit card….bureau credit card…. He paused for a moment, then hurriedly handed her the bureau credit card. She took it with a large smile on her face, then passed him his receipt to sign when it was approved.

“All set, sir. Have a lovely evening.”

Mulder nodded, and walked back to Scully. She stood, allowing Mulder to help her with her jacket.

“Everything ok?” She asked.

He linked his fingers with hers. “Everything is great.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ok,” the accountant said. “So, next comes the fun stuff.”

Mulder’s eyebrow pulled a 'Scully’ and rose. The accountant shrugged, then shuffled his papers.

“The next purchase on the list was $26.25 at a grocery store, also located in Maine. Now, because you and Agent Scully had already eaten quite an expensive dinner, I was ordered by my supervisor to look into the items that were purchased in this store. Those items are,” he paused to look closer at the receipt. “…whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and a 4 pack of AA batteries.”

“I know what this looks like-”

"Fraternizing is strictly prohibited, Agent Mulder.”

“I realize that Agent,” he glanced at the younger agent’s tag, “Smooter. But that was for the case we were working on.”

“Really?” Smooter asked, his tone dripping with sarcasm. “What was this case you two were investigating exactly?”

Mulder sat back in his chair, a cocky grin on his face. “That’s classified.”

“Interesting. Well, I’ll tell my 'super’ that, and he can take this matter to….AD Kersh is it? Yes, he can take it up with AD Kersh if you’d prefer.”

“Fine, Fine!! I’ll explain.” Mulder rubbed his eyes, then leaned forward in his seat to get closer to the accountant. “You know we investigate the paranormal right?”

“Yes, I am aware of that.”

“Well, this case falls under that category as well. You see…” Mulder licked his lips then cracked his fingers, attempting to buy some time, “We were called by a source we have in Maine. He’d said he’d been hearing some strange stories about young men that had gone missing.”

“The point, Agent Mulder.”

“I’m getting there. Well, these young men had happened to go missing while…camping….in the woods. We needed the batteries for our flash lights.”

“The bureau’s flash lights take D batteries.”

Mulder nodded.  "Imagine our surprise when we got to the woods and discovered that. Luckily, one of the flash lights still had enough power to aid us on our journey.“

"And what about the whipped cream and chocolate syrup?”

“It was rumored that whatever was taking these men had something of a sweet tooth. So, Agent Scully and I bought those because they were cheap. We were in a hurry and didn’t have time to be choosy and search for specific candy bars or whatever.”

Smooter nodded rapidly, seemingly eating up every bit of Mulder’s story.

“So, Agent Scully and I high tailed it into the woods with only one working flashlight, and sunday toppings.”

~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The disappointment of being at a grocery store and not a sex toy store must have been written all over his face, because Scully nuzzled his neck and whispered, “I have big plans for us tonight. Trust me.”

Mulder nodded, shooting her a smile, and followed her closely through the store. His spirits lifted after seeing her grab a can of whipped cream, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and a pack of batteries. “Scully, why the batteries?”

She smiled at him deviously. “Just trust me Mulder.”

That look could make any man go weak in the knees, cause his heart to skip a few beats, and claim temporary insanity. Which is what must have happened because before he knew it, he was whipping out that bureau credit card again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Okay, agent, there’s one last purchase I have to question. There was a $45.15 purchase made at a Naughty Time Novelty. I am extremely curious to see how this plays into everything. Now, because the store wouldn’t give out the list of what was purchased, I need to ask you what was purchased and for what reason.”

Mulder chewed on his lip then sighed. “We walked out of Meijer and we were talking intensely about the case. So intensely, actually, that we both didn’t realize that we’d just walked through a huge swarm of bees. Agent Scully felt something on her pant leg and swatted it off, not realizing it was a bee, and then it stung her finger. She wears this ring that she got from her mother years ago, and that was the finger that happened to get stung. It started swelling almost instantly.”

“Agent Scully has an allergy to bee stings?”

“Uh…yeah…So we ran into the nearest store, which just happened to be that novely store. We explained what happened to the girl at the counter and she grabbed a large bottle of….lubricant….and poured the contents all over Scully’s swollen finger. After a few tries, we got it off. Cindy, the girl at the counter, then took a mint flavored lubricant and spread it on the bee sting, insisting it would take down the swelling.”

“Did it work?”

“Well, we can’t say for sure. We put ice on it when we got back to the motel, so it could have been the ice that did the trick.”

“But where does the $45.15 come in?”

“We had to pay for the lubricant.” Smooter’s jaw dropped. “They were jumbo sized bottles.”

The accountant sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mulder eagerly followed Scully to the showcase of battery operated toys. There were so many different sizes and colors, different shapes and gadgets. There was one gadget that was blue, and it had two rubber rings connected by a small battery pack.

“That’s a 'for him’ toy. One loop goes around the penis and the other goes around 'the boys’. It vibrates.”

Cindy clearly knew her products.  Mulder just stared at the blue rubber contraption. Visions of using it and it cutting off circulation and 'it’ possibly falling off invaded his thoughts. “No, thanks,” he said with a shrug. “We’re here for her.“ He pointed to Scully.

He was surprised to see the excitement spread across her face.  Her eyes even had a twinkle in them.  

"Um,” she pointed to one of the hundreds of vibrators spread showcased along the wall, “could i see that one?”

Cindy pulled it from it’s case and handed it to Scully. “That’s The Dolphin. It’s a huge hit because it’s so pretty.”

Mulder studied the toy in Scully’s hands. It was pretty. The first 1 ½ inches were a tart blue rubber, then the next 3 inches were white pearls that traveled around the girth of the toy, and then more blue rubber. Scully passed it from hand to hand as if testing the weight, then ran her finger along the 3 inch rubber dolphin that seemed like it was about to soar off the dildo.

“What’s that for?” Mulder asked, pointing to the dolphin’s beak.

“It’s the clitoral stimulator,” Scully answered matter of factly.

“I’d suggest that you purchase some lubricant if you do get a toy. We have flavored ones such as peppermint and strawberry. And we have others for special purposes, such as 'Like a Virgin’, which tightens the vaginal muscles, and a few that make him last longer. I’d suggest the peppermint flavored lube. It’s great, and a real fan favorite.”

Scully smiled. “Wonderful. We’ll take that and The Dolphin.”

Mulder stared for a moment, as if in shock. The entire moment was so surreal, like a wet dream come true, buying sex toys and flavored lube with Scully. At the register, he eagerly passed the girl the bureau’s credit card.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“That is…incredible. So after all of this, did you solve the case?”

Mulder shook his head, and sat back in his chair. “No. It remains unsolved.”

They both sat in silence, Smooter amazed by the story, and Mulder amazed that he believed the story. Thank god he was new to the bureau.

“I’ll write my report and submit it to my super, and I suggest you do the same.”

Mulder muttered ‘yeah’ and stood. "We done here?”

“Yes, Agent Mulder. All through.”

Mulder turned and walked out of the office without another word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder walked into his office to see Scully still sitting at the computer.

“Finally,” she said, standing.  “I was about to go solo to lunch, you were taking so long." 

"Are you done with the computer, Scully?”

“Yeah, you need it when we get back?”

“Uh, yeah. I’ve got a case report to write up.”

“Which one?” She asked. “I thought we were all caught up…”

“I’ll explain it at lunch. Let’s go.”

The End.

Street light interference phenomenon

Street light interference (SLI) is a term coined by paranormal author Hilary Evans to denote the claimed ability of individuals to turn street lights or outside building security lights on or off when passing near them. Believers in SLI allege that they experience it on a regular basis with specific lamps and more frequently than chance would explain.

Evans’ 1993 book The SLI Effect proposes that the phenomenon is “not consistent with our current knowledge of how people interact with the physical world.” Evans coined the term “SLIder” to refer to someone who allegedly causes this effect, and cites SLIders’ claims of being able to “extinguish a row of sodium vapor lamps in sequence, each one going out as the witnesses nears it. 

Some proponents believe static electricity or "some kind of energy emitted by the human body is responsible for SLI. Others claim the alleged phenomenon is caused by individuals having psychic or psychokinetic ability.

Source.

6

I’m almost at the point where I don’t even care what happens in the next
episode anymore but I might die of happy heartattack if they even HINT
at the Author and Fids having a thing.

3

Sometimes my train just gets outta control and eventually goes off the rails completely. That’s what happened here ehehe. Illustrations for @ceruleancynic’s terrible high school Kylux AU Boys on the Radio chapter 5. All dialogue is naturally lifted straight from the fic.

Also this.

Seven Things That Didn't Happen on Valentine's Day at Hogwarts, Or Maybe They Did by rageprufrock

Title (link): Seven Things That Didn’t Happen on Valentine’s Day at Hogwarts, Or Maybe They Did

Author (link): rageprufrock

Length: 25,172 words, 1 chapter (complete)

Rating: Mature

Era: MWPP

Summary/thoughts: “"This is the weirdest Valentine’s Day yet,“ Peter mused. / "But not ‘ever,’” Remus said dryly.”

This fic captures a series of hilarious stories from Valentine’s Days in different years during the marauders’ time at Hogwarts. It features everything you could want in a wolfstar fic: sweet friendship moments, lots of pranking, jealousy, Sirius being turned into a girl as a prank, a pretend relationship, the Prank, and of course the eventual get-together. Really quite fabulous. Worth multiple reads.