So it seems Clint and Steve both seem to be a bit lacking? Yeah lacking in intelligence. But who's done the dumbest thing since being thawed out
i am not even gonna consider this question, because if i start thinking through all the stupid nonsense clint and steve get up to i will hurl myself out a window purely in self defense.
none of the avengers should ever spend time together. separately, theyre reckless to the point of idiocy; together, they fight crime. and cause massive amounts of property damage, and have reduced several psychologists to tears. it wasnt pretty.
but you know, fate of the world and all that nonsense.
(to be fair to them, none of the avengers are stupid. they just get sucked into each others bad-decision vortexes)
in the interests of preserving that most blessed of coping methods, denial, i will only consider what steve and clint have gotten up to in the past two weeks.
which still gives me a horrifying wealth of options.
dumbest thing steve has done? accepted clint’s challenge to a spicy-food-eating contest. captain triangle torso has enhanced senses. he takes his NORMAL food underseasoned, because his taste buds are extra-sensitive, and he took a spiciness challenge from clint, who spent his developmental years eating literally anything. last week i watched him pour pineapple juice into his hot chocolate. it was terrifying. i have seen clint drench jalapenos in ghost pepper sauce and eat them. i have seen him put chocolate on pizza. there is nothing that man will not eat.
steve got one bite in to one of clint’s ghost pepper chicken wings and his whole face swelled up and turned red. he kept eating. his eyes and nose were running. he got three bites in and was leaking from his whole face. he looked like he was gonna die. he drank a gallon of milk and was in bed for over a day. his fancy supermojo can fight off toxins but not ghost peppers, apparently. he said it was the most painful thing he’d ever felt, the supersoldier easy bake experience included.
clint finished his bucket of ghost pepper hot wings and played mario kart for three hours. which is what he usually does on wednesdays.
dumbest thing clint has done lately? “borrowed” natashas favorite dagger set. her vengence was swift, brutal, and left clint sans eyebrows and with tony’s goatee drawn in sharpie, refreshed nightly for a week. talk about shame.
she is a ruthless woman.
as to which of these was stupider? i honestly cant say, and thinking about it makes me regret so many decisions.
Dirk is the hardest character to write because he is equal parts the emotional wreck who texts you roughly 3,598 words of Feelings at 4AM when he knows you’re asleep and the aloof asshole who texts “jk” at 5AM when he’s calmed down and then refuses to entertain the notion that any such breakdown ever happened
Steve and Natasha's son is having trouble with bullies. He's half Natasha, so he's got fiery red hair, and he's half Steve so of course he wants to fight the bullies who tease him about said hair. Natasha's away on a mission, so it's up to papa Steve to advise their son on what to do.
Natasha’s on assignment
for at least another week, if not two.
Which isn’t the problem, really.
He’s confident in his skills as a father and a caretaker in
But he is absolute shit when it comes to
bullies. Especially when it’s bullies
and his son. He’s not exactly surprised by his own
reaction, granted, but he could do with a dose of Nat’s calm approach to these
sorts of situations.
Mark is picking at his
dinner and studying the grain of the table far more intensely than it really
warrants. Steve thinks he understands
now what he means when he hears other parents gripe about how hypocritical they
feel telling their kids not to smoke when they’re sneaking a butt when they
“I’m not going to pretend
I didn’t start a lot of fights, and I’m not going to pretend that you shouldn’t
stand up to bullies.”
Mark startles out of his
thoughts, looking up to his father at Steve’s sudden outburst.
“They think it’s weird.”
Mark screws his face up, light smattering if freckles across his nose
shifting. “Orange and just.” He huffs.
“Your mother is way better at this than I am. I don’t think you should get into a
fight.” Steve holds up a hand seeing
Mark open his mouth. “I know I did it. Ask your Uncle where it landed me, more often
Mark cracks a smile at
that. “Bucky says you were black and
blue as often as you were blond.”
Steve smirks. “Every day.”
He schools his features.
“Listen. You got no reason to be
ashamed of what you look like. Only 2%
of people in the world have hair like
you and Mum.” He pauses. “Look.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but sometimes, sometimes envy looks
like other things.”
Mark shrugs, spearing a
carrot with his fork. “Doesn’t change
nothin’ about the jerks at school.”
Steve reaches across the
table to smooth his thumb over the spot just above Mark’s shiner. “I need you to stop fighting. Just because you can win doesn’t mean you
Mark huffs, exasperated,
and sets his fork down to pin his father with a look he inherited from
Natasha. “What should I do, then?”
Steve sighed. “You know, my Ma –your grandma- always told
me to tell the truth. I always did, and
I’m not about to stop now. I don’t
know. It wasn’t a lesson I ever learned,
Mark smirked. “So I’ve heard.”
“Sass. –What I mean is, I
know I’m supposed to tell you something about compassion and ignoring it or
rising above it or that they’re taking their unhappiness out on you and that
might all be true but,” Steve lowered his voice as if Natasha could hear him
from wherever she was, “I’d still like to Have Words with those kids myself,
even though I know the principal already did.”
“Your old man only has so
many good speeches in him. Let’s work on
this one together.”
Mark studied him for
several long seconds before snatching Steve’s phone from the counter behind
“What’re you doing?”
Bucky.” Mark didn’t bother looking
up. “He wanted to know if the day ever
came you admitted you didn’t know everything.”
Adrian clocked Officer Maggie Sawyer as a Little Shit™ from
about ten minutes after she rescued him from bad T and worse decisions
that could have gotten a little brown kid killed. Adrian came from a
great family, really, his parents were amazing and supportive and so
much that other kids didn’t get, but transitioning was expensive,
transitioning was hard in a heteronormative society, and by the time
Maggie found him he was already out of sorts because no insurance didn’t
just mean no T, it meant no puberty inhibitors, if he could even find a
doctor supportive of trans health. Maybe it was the smirk on her lips
after he was knocked on his ass or those big understanding eyes or that
teasing smile, but Officer Sawyer was safe and that wasn’t something every brown kid could count on,
straight or not.
As amazing as Maggie was when they met, she was still a
Little Shit™ because she took him out for ice cream after the clinic
and totally popped the bottom of the cone to smear Adrian’s face in
Adrian had a family. But Maggie joined it, the queer big sister
he needed at the most important time of his life. She’d meet him after
school to talk about the Queer Alliance club, take him to lunch on the
weekends, basically be the big sister he didn’t have. They talked girls,
Adrian’s crushes and Maggie’s.
Maggie played jokes and she teased, but she didn’t relax around
many people. Adrian noticed her girlfriends weren’t often among those
For such an Established Gay™, Adrian’s adoptive big sister had shit taste in women.
Until Agent Hot Ass.
Oh my God, Adrian could not believe how much Maggie talked about the Fed
who stole her crime scene. In hindsight, that probably didn’t help
matters with the deteriorating state of Mag’s relationship with
what’s-her-name, but the blonde wasn’t good enough for his big sis anyway. She talked about her over the empanadas he cooked to celebrate her not dying after being kidnapped. Her big eyes glittered while talking about how much fun she had being tied up in the warehouse, filed under things Adrian never wanted to know about his sister, and being rescued by Supergirl and that really annoying Fed who’s also a doctor–Did you know
she’s really smart, Ade? She’s like a genius or something, because the
med staff at her top secret James Bond base didn’t say a word when she
patched me up.
She’s really good at pool, Ade. Which was weird, because he’d played pool with Maggie, she was great. And then Maggie explained, I mean, I’m letting her win, you know, the Feds get their feelings hurt so easily. Right.
Maggie had some bad nights sometimes. Sometimes he’d get a
call from the bartender at Maggie’s favorite bar, and he’d swing by to
give her a lift home in her cruiser (not that anyone on the force knew that) or just grab an uber if she brought her bike. Megan, she was
nice. Megan slipped him photos of his favorite cop and her new bff “just grabbin’ beers, kid.”
Then things got weird, and Maggie got quiet about Danvers. She didn’t talk about her as much. She looked sad when she
did. Then Maggie got drunk, and Maggie talks so much more about herself
when she’s drunk.
Alex came out to me, Ade. First. Because of me.
And Adrian smiled. But then Maggie confessed I can’t do that to her, I can’t destroy her, I destroy everything good.
Okay first of all, bullshit, you didn’t destroy me, Mags, you helped me be a better me. Second of all, Adrian couldn’t exactly blame this fed for a
sudden gay awakening because, and he could say this as an objective
straight man, Maggie was hot . Of course
Maggie made her question her sexuality, Maggie was a cop who drove a motorcycle, wore leather jackets, and carried handcuffs hellooooo.
Maggie was being stupid. Clearly she had feelings for this woman.
Those photos Megan took? Adrian may have printed off extras
and hung around Maggie’s apartment. On the cereal box Maggie had to jump
to reach. Behind her toothpaste in her medicine cabinet. He even
slipped one into “that” drawer in her nightstand (without looking, thank
you, he did not need to be scarred for life). Maggie Sawyer is a Little Shit™, but Adrian took notes any time he got the chance.
Maggie yelled at him for it.
Adrian knows damn well that Maggie put one of those photos in her wallet.
She’ll never admit it, but that’s fine.
A few days later she and the fed were friends again. She
wasn’t as talkative as before, but she wasn’t quiet like she had been
after Danvers kissed her.
And then she called him to tell him she got shot, but not to worry. What the fuck, Maggie?? Adrian was all set to come over and check for himself that she wasn’t dead but Actually, Ade, I’m not going to be home, I have to go talk to someone.
Adrian had a feeling he knew who she was going to see.
Judging by the mile-wide smile that met him for brunch, The Dimples™ seemingly multiplying, he was right and it went well.
Seeing Maggie begin to open up, and so quickly, was awesome. It gave him hope, because be real, Maggie, you’re a damn cactus, and meeting
meant meeting a dorky, unsure, but totally beautiful woman who had heart eyes for his queer mom. It was great!
Watching Maggie screw with the Alex and her friends.
Hiding the last box of potstickers in a container of vegan yogurt (Kara), that time she tricked Alex into trying that one absolutely gross flavor of vegan ice cream so that her ice
cream would remain untouched on sister nights, and watching Maggie crush
that nerdy dude in video games online week after week while giving him
“tips” over the phone was Adrian’s absolute favorite.
These two were golden. Like, relationship goals.
Which is why, when he heard about that photo shoot James did, and what happened with Alex, Adrian may have talked to James about getting some perfectly work safe thank you candids of the couple to make two collages. One for each of
them, complete with glitter hearts and a couple sets of googly eyes (Kara was REALLY helpful). Those collages may or may not have found their way to Maggie’s desk at the precinct and Alex’s lab.