hey-dad

Let’s Talk About Sex

Sequel to my other fic, “Caught With Your Pants Down

Happy birthday comewhatanime!!! Basically, this started with the title :D


Natsu nearly has a heart attack when the front door opens, banging against the wall as Jude steps inside locking the door behind him. Natsu holds his breath, eyes wide as his girlfriend’s father stops as he passes the living room, glaring sharply at the pair cuddled together on the couch—or, rather, at Natsu. Because Natsu hasn’t been around much since the, umm, incident (which is a total lie. He’s just been using the widow to get in). They’re watching some romantic comedy—well, Lucy is watching, Natsu is more interested in playing with her hair than he whatever Gerard Butler is doing with Katherine Heigl.

“Hey, Dad!” Lucy calls out, not turning away from the movie. “How was work?” Natsu misses the reply, to engrossed with keeping his heart from beating straight out of his chest.

He can feel the other male’s eyes bore into him from the side, and bites his lower lip, sweat beading at the back of his neck. Natsu tries to ignore the stare, not daring to return the look for fear of his life. He wants to live, thank you very much. Dying is not on his agenda today, or any other day for that matter.

Lucy threads her fingers through his, thumb sweeping across the back of his hand before her hand squeezes his gently. “Ignore him,” she whispers, lips brushing his ear and sending a shock straight through him. “His pride as father and alpha male has been bruised a little, but he’ll get over it.” She places a soft kiss against his cheek—and Natsu swears up and down that Jude just growled at him—curling into his side moments later, her legs tossed over his lap, fingers teasing the hem of his school jersey, daring to dip under and trace the skin above his hip.

He presses his lips against the top of her head, nuzzling her as he plays with her fingers, trying not to look completely tense. Fathers can smell fear, right? Okay, maybe that’s just a wild animal thing but he’s not taking any chances! Jude made the threat quite clear—having practically chased him out of the house by using Natsu’s own awkward teenage-boyness against himself. The man is like a bear. A very scary, protective, angry bear that wants to rip his head off for touching his cub.

Lovely.

What a time to be alive.

“You look different,” Jude comments offhandedly. Natsu jumps in his seat, nearly tumbling off the couch he’s so shocked. Holy shit! He thought the man left! He was definitely not expecting the man to talk to him—maim him, yes, but not talk to him!

Lucy twists in her seat, facing her father with a bright smile. What a traitor.

Natsu feels like his stomach is trying to leap out of his throat. He totally shouldn’t have gone with the chili fries for lunch. Hmm, maybe he can use that to distract Jude before making a break for it.

As if sensing his thoughts, Jude clears his throat, crossing his arms and looking at Natsu expectantly, clearly waiting for a reply. Natsu’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth, not moving even as he wills himself to say anything. Chancing a glance at him Lucy digs her elbow into his ribs when he takes to long to reply, prompting a hiss from the boy.

He swallows thickly. “It must be the lack of lipstick, Sir,” he blurts not sure what else to say. A second later he feels like smacking himself. Shit, why did he say that? That’s, like, the exact opposite of what he should have said. God he really needs to think a little before opening his mouth!

Jude looks taken aback, his eyes going wide and his mouth dropping open just a little bit as he stands there, clearly shocked. Next to him, Lucy groans dropping her head into her hands with a muffled curse.

“I mean, not that I wear lipstick a lot,” he babbles, trying to fix his mistake. “I only use Lucy’s sometimes!” Jude sends him a disturbed look and Lucy whirls around, shaking her head and clearly telling him to shut the hell up. “No, wait! That’s not what I meant!” He should really just stop, but apparently his mouth and brain are not on the same page. “I don’t use her lipstick, but sometimes it gets on my face when we’re kissing and there’s not much I can do about that!” Great, now Jude just looks angry. Natsu should just grab the shovel and start digging. “Not that I kiss her a lot! Well, I kind of do, but only slightly more than what might be considered normal, and I just—”

Jude cuts him off, looking exasperated. “Would you two please join me in the kitchen?” It’s technically a question, but Natsu is eight-hundred percent sure that it’s not an option. Lucy’s dad doesn’t wait for an answer, just ducks out of the room and disappears into the dimly lit kitchen across the hall.

Lucy climbs off him, stretching slightly. Natsu’s eyes follow the movement.

He’s like to thank his parents for bringing him into this world and taking care of him. He’s also like to thank Coach Fullbuster for being a great hockey coach and tolerating his sass during practice. And he’d like to thank Lucy for loving him unconditionally because that means a lot to him—she means a lot to him. And while he’s at it, he should probably thank Gray—that bastard—for being his best friend for years.

Lucy sighs when he doesn’t stand, placing her hands on her hips and giving him an impatient look.

He looks up at her pleadingly. “Lucy, he’s going to kill him,” he practically whimpers, looking every bit like a puppy that’s been kicked.

She rolls her eyes. “Natsu he’s not going to kill you.” She clicks her tongue, looking at him like he’s ridiculous. “Now get up and let’s go talk to him.”

He shakes his head, ignoring her. “You don’t know that!” he argues, eyes wide. “He could be waiting in there for me to step in and then—BAM! Bye, bye, Natsu.” He catches his lip between his teeth, worrying it.

Lucy sighs. “Natsu, if he really wanted to kill you, I’m sure he would have done it by now.” He starts to argue but she sends him a sharp look. “Remember what happened last time?” Boy, does he ever. They’ll have to try that again because holy shit was it good! Though, next time it would probably be good if her dad didn’t come home early.

Lucy notices the goofy look on his face, her eyes narrowing. Her hand shoots out, swatting his shoulder.

“Ouch!” he yelps, more shocked than hurt. “What did you do that—”

“Focus!” she snaps yanking him off the couch. “Last time what we were doing was a lot more inappropriate than cuddling on the couch, and he didn’t even do anything to you that time.” True enough.

His gaze drops to the floor.

“Hey” Lucy murmurs, hands cupping his face, lifting his head so his eyes meet hers. Her gaze softens. “This talk was inevitable, but nothing bad is going to happen, I promise. He’s just going to give us a stern talking to, maybe threaten you with bodily harm—but he won’t follow through!” Natsu grins, placing a sloppy kiss on her forehead and letting her drag him across the hall.

Jude is sitting in the same chair he was the last time and Natsu kind of wants to throw up.

Lucy’s grip on his hand tightens, as if sensing that he wants to run. The couple slide into the chairs across from Jude, Lucy biting her lip nervously and Natsu staring at the table.

Jude clears his throat.

“Let’s talk about sex,” he blurts.

Natsu’s head snaps up eyes horrified—because holy shit he doesn’t need the sex talk from his girlfriend’s dad—a strangled sound leaving him, and Lucy looks absolutely mortified.

“Eww, Dad, no! Not the sex talk!” she complains, looking an odd combination of embarrassed and disgusted.

Jude narrows his eyes, crossing his arms. “I just want to make sure that you two know what sex is,” he replies. “It’s my job as a parent to make sure my kids know—”

Lucy groans, cutting him off. Natsu is still paralyzed in place. “Dad, I’ve known what sex is ever since I walked in on you and Mom—God rest her soul—when I was six.” Natsu’s head snaps in her direction, his mouth open in shock. What? She never told him this!

Jude looks equally horrified. “You remember that?”

Lucy pulls a face, wrinkling her nose. “Well, I wish I didn’t.”

He clears his throat awkwardly, casting a glance at Natsu—who’s still frozen in shock. “Alright, but does he know what it is?”

Natsu snaps around, offended. “Excuse me?” he gasps. “I am eighteen years old! Yes I know what sex is!” He crosses his arms, suddenly grumpy and very, very offended. He isn’t an idiot dammit! “I have the internet you know!”

The room falls silent.

If anything, Jude looks even more awkward. “That’s not…” he trails off. “I know you two know what sex is,” he explains awkwardly. “I just want to make sure you’re both being…safe.” The word hangs in the air, all three of them looking at anything but each other. “Look, I just want to lay down some ground rules if you two are going to be having—” he pulls a face, “sex under my roof.”

Natsu shrugs. “Well, it doesn’t have to be under yours.”

Lucy groans. “Natsu, shut up,” she growls at him. He flinches, inching away from her. Maybe her dad isn’t the one he should be afraid of.

He shifts in his chair, pouting slightly. “Well, it’s true,” he grumbles. This is not where he wants to be right now. He just wants to be curled up with his girlfriend, not awkwardly talking about sex with her dad. He’s already had this talk with his own dad and that was less painful than this. Currently, he can list ten things he’d rather be doing than this. One of them being walking on burning coals, and another being eating Gray’s sweaty practice socks.

The sweaty socks would be way better than this.

“I want to make it clear that I don’t want grandchildren for a few more years,” Jude tells them, linking his fingers together, his hands resting on the table. Natsu’s heart skips a beat.

Children with Lucy would totally be doable. He’d like that more than anything else in the world—just, not for a few more years—like five years. Five is a good number. It’s a solid number. He likes the number five!

Lucy blanches. “Dad, stop,” she pleads, looking more and more uncomfortable every second.

Jude looks wounded. “I just want to make sure you’re being careful,” he mumbles.

“We are!” Lucy barks, shifting in place and twiddling her thumbs. Natsu stares at her fingers, entranced. “Now stop. Please” she adds as an afterthought.

Natsu clears his throat, ripping his gaze away from Lucy. “Yeah,” he agrees with Lucy, “we’re always careful!” He smiles at Jude. “And if I did get Lucy pregnant it would totally be an accident, and I’d—”

Jude shakes his head. “You know what?” he sighs standing from the table and looking incredibly tired all of a sudden. “Just do what you want.” He skirts around the table, heading for the entrance.

Natsu grins. “Did you just give me permission to bone your daughter?” he asks cheekily, joking with the other male. Lucy groans, dropping her head onto the table. Jude freezes, one hand on the wall.

He doesn’t glance over his shoulder. “I know seven different ways to kill you with a spoon,” he says blankly.

Natsu’s smile widens. “Noted!”

5

Late that night, Stella is awakened by a surprise visitor. 

Leif: Hey Mum. Long time no see. 

Stella: Leif! Oh goodness, where have you been?! 

Leif: Oof! Hey, good to see you too. I’ve been all over. Did you get all my postcards? 

Stella: Yes, but Leif–

Leif: The house looks great, by the way. I hardly recognized it! 

Stella: Leif–! 

Leif: Hey, where’s Dad? I really need to talk to him about something. 

Stella: That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Leif, your father… Oh my. 

Leif: Oh. Um, Mum…this is Erika. I really, really need to ask Dad about her. 

Stella: …I think we’d all better come in and sit down. 

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On the rocks please just for tonight, drop by drop chills down my spine. With my feet in the sand on a hot summer night I can feel the breeze it all seems so right and I know what you’re thinking, oh yeah, I know what you’re thinking but this is not a sad song. Hey look mom I did it all, hey look dad on top of the world, hey look girl I loved you so one day you could just have it all but now it’s too late cause nothing in this world is worth the wait. All by myself… I can change the world, I can change it all, I can take away the pain form everyone’s soul. I dreamt of a world where innocent hearts lie peaceful and calm right next to the stars and my heart is an ocean for everyone to dive so come along girl and take your time. There’s only one thing to keep in mind that deep under the surface the bottom is mine. I was born and raised in a manic fest, and they always said that I deserved the best, so these are the moments of truth where the sand is my bed and the sky is the roof… one drop for the tired and innocent youth. So come and touch my soul, we will never fall cause after all we’re better off alone…

Personal bitching behind the read more.

Keep reading

  • To best appreciate this story, you must understand that after seeing Inside Out my parents and I had a conversation about who was driving most often at our own headquarters. I am driven by Anger. Mom says Sadness and Joy are equal-handed at the wheel. Dad declared proudly that he was driven by Bing Bong. WE BOTH AGREED. And so...
  • Me:Hey Dad.
  • Dad:Yes, dear.
  • Me:You did some stupid things as a kid. Did you ever lick a 9V battery?
  • Dad:Of course! Why?
  • Mom:*starts laughing*
  • Me:I was just curious what it was like.
  • Dad:It goes NNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, here! *he proceeds to hold out his hand as if to say, "Hand me the 9V and I'll show you!"*
  • Me:*starts laughing*
  • Dad:And what's this "as a kid" crap? I'm a 61 year old man and I'll do it right now!
  • Mom:*stops laughing long enough to wheeze out* What part of BING BONG didn't you understand?! XD
  • Me:*RIP, death by laughter*

keepmyserenity asked:

Hello, mollyhall. Does your heart ever hurt? Not like... the internal organ. The other one. And for no reason at all, it just... does? What do you do when your heart hurts?

hello, moonbird. yes! sometimes my heart hurts for no reason. i think everybody who is alive in the world sometimes has their heart hurt for no reason, or at least no reason that they can point to and be like, “HEY, BUB. WHAT IF YOU CUT IT OUT? EH? EH? what if you drank a soda and chilled the fuck out.”

  • what if!!!!!!!

there are a couple of ways that i have found, in my life, to deal with this. 

  1. embrace the sad. turn on some hella sad music and turn off all the lights and be like, “okay, fine!!!! FINE!!! YOU WANNA BE SAD, BRAIN? OKAY. we’ll be sad. we’re gonna jump right into this pool of sadness and SWIM AROUND IN IT!!!!!! what’s that on your head? it’s SADWEED, which is SEAWEED OF SADNESS.” 

    close your eyes. breathe. be sad. it’s okay to be sad. there’s nothing wrong with sometimes being sad. we’re humans. our brains are complicated and easily confused, because we, like everything else, are just dumb animals who sometimes want to chase our own tail and are sad when we can’t. so what? you’re sad. okay. be sad.

    in the morning, have some coffee or juice or whatever you choose to drink in the morning and tell yourself, “we were sad yesterday, so today we’re going to watch that carly rae jepson music video that has tom hanks in it.”

  2. turkish oil wrestle the sad. sometimes your heart is sad but your brain is like, “dude are you for real right now??? are you for real with this????? are you seriously honestly for REAL TRYING TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW??????” 

    that’s no good. it’s no good when half of you is like “EVERYTHING COSTS MONEY AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE DISAPPOINTS YOU” and the other half is like “WOW, WHINE A LITTLE HARDER.” don’t talk to yourself like that!!! you’re having a hard day. we all have hard days (see #1).

    but on days like this, when you can’t commit to going swimming in the Public Pool of Local Sadness, try putting on your boxing gloves. for me, that often means putting on fast or angry or just, you know, intense music (nicki minaj or fifth harmony or little mix or ella eyre or G.R.L.) and then running or dancing or honestly just entertaining a very elaborate fight sequence fantasy in which i pretend i’m sidney bristow in alias and beat the crap out of my couch cushions.

    sometimes letting yourself Feel The Sad helps tire the Sad out. but sometimes it doesn’t, and you have to Fight The Sad with endorphins instead. walk past the Public Pool of Local Sadness and go to the Gym of Self(care) Defense and suit up.

  3. make the sad laugh. hey. sad. buddy. listen to me. listen. the grinch is bad at yoga. this dumb pug can’t run right. this girl’s name is luna rodriguez. i do a bunch of dumb shit. this cat. people are weird

    c’monnnn. someone named deez nuts is running for president of the united states of america. it has been scientifically confirmed that bears like POOL PARTIES.  

    why do the french only eat one egg? because one egg is un oeuf.

    hey. hey. where does frosty keep his cash? in the SNOW BANKS.

    okay but what do you call a guy with no shins? TOE-KNEE.

    fine fine i’ll stop but remember don’t drink water because fish make love in it.