hes one sassy man!

My sister told me about how she adores her social studies teacher because he is one sassy old man.
Then she continued to tell me about how they were given a list of stuff they should know about in class and Hungary was on there. A girl in her class thought it was pronounced like hungry. So the girl said, “wow, I can’t believe there’s a place named after me.”
The teacher so smoothly replied with, “wow, I didn’t know there was a place named annoying.”

Stolen Art, Kissing, Tats, and Earmuffs

So, @murdochinthetardis was doing some fabulous “Dating ___ Would Include” pieces the last couple days and I added some snarky tags (as I sometimes do) and @nobodys-baby-now suggested in ALL CAPS I write a little something. So here it is.

Pairing: Balthazar x Reader == Word Count: around 950 == Warnings: Sass and Cheesy Pick Up Lines

Originally posted by im-a-general-wheeeee

“Darling, do you know what tomorrow is?” Balthazar whispers as he sidles up behind you, wrapping his arms firmly around you as he nuzzles against your neck.

“Our second anniversary.” 

“Mmmhmm.” You push away the book you’d been flipping through, trying to reshelf it per Sam’s weird cataloging scheme he was trying out, leaning back against your boyfriend. Suspicion tugged at your mind.

“No stealing art this year, Balthazar. I mean it.” He moves a hand upward, pulling your hair away from your neck, pressing a half dozen kisses up and down the exposed skin.

“You enjoyed ‘Starry Night’. You said it was your favorite.” You sigh, half because of his words and the other half because the angel could not keep his lips to himself.

“I do love that piece of art, but you can’t take very famous art and hang it in the Bunker!”

“As you wish.” Bastard. He knew how you felt about that movie. The arm still wrapped around your waist pushed the edge of your shirt up, his finger just barely grazing the skin above your jeans where he knew your first anniversary gift, a tiny Celtic circle tattoo, was. “You know, the things I’ve done to you in my dreams would make my father blush.”

“Balthazar!” A deep chuckle reverberates slightly against your back as you try to admonish him - but you don’t really mean it. And you both know it.

“Could I use your thighs as earmuff?” You turn in his arms, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I see what you want.” You withdraw your phone from your back pocket and glance at it. “Huh. Are you butt dialing me?” Balthazar furrowed his brow, using the hand that had been holding your hair to fish his own phone from his inner jacket pocket.

“I did not -”

“Because I swear that ass is calling me.” You finish, grabbing a handful of his ass with your left hand, grinning at him.

“Have I mentioned I love you today?”

“This morning.” You mutter before pressing your lips against his. “But. I. Mean. It. About. The. Stolen. Stuff. Balthazar.” Each word separated by a kiss, each one a little longer than the last as his hands now roam shamelessly under your shirt.

“You just said art.” You pull away, glaring at your angel.

“You have got to be shitting me.”

“It’s very pretty. Not half as pretty as you, my dear.” Balthazar withdrew a large stone bracelet that looked beyond outrageously expensive. “Don’t you like it?”

“Return it. This instant.”

“But it’s an anniversary gift!” He pulls away, waving the bracelet at you.

“I will call your dad, so help me Chuck.”

“Darling - boxes of chocolates, mass produced jewelry and art, and flowers - they can’t compare to my love for you!” You put a hand on your hip, throwing the other hand in the air.

“But stolen art and jewelry CAN?!” Sliding a hand down your face you sigh. “Heaven help me.”

“If you hadn’t already heard, Heaven’s not really into ‘helping’.” Balthazar sassed, snapping and making the bracelet disappear. “Better?” You nod, closing the distance between the two of you, rubbing your finger along his own circular tattoo on his wrist.

“You know I love you, angel…but I’m not someone who needs lots of fancy things. The art is beautiful. But other people should see it and feel how it moves them. That bracelet was gorgeous - gaudy but beautiful - it’s just not realistic to wear or have in this life. Thank you though, Balthazar.”



“It’s after midnight.” He stares down at you, his eyes shining as his fingertips brush through your hair. “Happy anniversary, love.” You mirror his movements, dragging your fingers through his blonde locks.

“Happy anniversary, handsome.” You peck his lips softly. “The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space. Marilyn Monroe.”

“Wise woman. Great rack. Yours is better.”

“You really know what to say. Smoothest angel in the garrison.”

“Also, sexiest.”

“Oh yes, my very sexy and smooth angel with the sticky fingers.”

“Stop ruining our anniversary.”

“Stop stealing things for our anniversary.” Balthazar’s smile turned from warm and loving to a smirk then to the most knowing, sexy smile he could muster.

“You look like Cinderella.” Confusion flickered over your features before you licked your lips, drawing his gaze momentary to them. “Because I see those clothes disappearing.”

“I stand by the title of Smoothest Angel in the Garrison.” You mutter as he snaps you two to the bedroom. “Except that time when you got drunk a year and a half ago.”

The entire bedroom is aglow in candles of all shapes and sizes, the bed made up in dark red sheets which are folded neatly back, with your favorite flowers in different vases scattered amongst the candles.

“Woman, I am trying to be romantic and you are bringing up that?!”

“It was hilarious.” He tosses you gently onto the bed, enjoying the little squeak you make as you bounce. “What? No Celine Dion?” You throw him your most seductive smile as you still, watching as Balthazar eases towards you slowly. “So, about those earmuffs…”

@chelsea072498 @lucis-unicorn @nobodys-baby-now @murdochinthetardis @thewhiterabbit42 

anonymous asked:

gray, berkut, & saber relationship headcanons? •̀.̫•́✧

Gray, Berkut, and Saber relationship headcanons:


  • Gray loves with all his heart. The boy will never let a day pass without telling his s/o how much he loves them and how amazing they are. When he falls for someone, everyone and I mean everyone knows.
  • Gray is actually surprisingly observant of his s/o’s quirks, likes and dislikes. He makes it his mission to learn everything he can about his lover so that he can make sure that they are as happy as they will ever be with him. He always notices the small things, like the way the bite their lip when they get nervous (and how much he loves that), or the way their eyes light up at their favorite meal. He can’t help but notice, since he is always watching them out of the corner of his eye.
  • It’s always painfully obvious who Gray likes when he falls for someone, but everyone really knows things are serious when he stops showing off in front of his partner. Gray no longer feels the need to up his bravado, he knows that his s/o is there and there to stay. Instead, he tends to act even more on the goofy side, often giggling with his partner and making eyes at them all night long.
  • Anytime someone sees his s/o, Gray is sure to be close by. He is constantly by his partner, all day, and every day. He can’t get enough of them. He will marvel at their beauty when they first wake up, drool at the sight of them getting dressed, and stares while they are sparring, you name it. Gray thinks his lover is the best thing there is in the world, and he intends to enjoy every single second he has with them.


  • Berkut is an extremely passionate lover. When he falls in love, he does so for a reason. He falls in love with the grace, the poise, the beauty and the strength of his partner. He holds them to high regard, since he is expected of great things, though if he was able to fall in love with them, they must be truly something special.
  • Berkut is a man who takes pride in how happy he makes his s/o. He knows that he must work hard to be the man everyone expects him to be, but with his s/o he feels a little less pressure. He knows that they will always be there to support him, and to understand when he lashes out. He is well aware he can be a difficult man to love, but that is why he loves his partner with every fiber of his being.
  • Berkut will work day and night to make his relationship work. He will never let his partner be unsure of where they stand. He is a straightforward man, and he will tell his lover as it is. He knows that sheltering them from the man he must be will do nothing but harm, so every night he tells his partner what he has done that day. His lover is his one and only support system, the only person he can be true and vulnerable around.


  • Saber isn’t one to mess around with sweet nothings whispered in his s/o’s ears. He is a blunt man who tells it as is, and that is no exception to his partner (though he tends to use less harsh language around them). He will straight up tell his lover what he wants from them and how he feels (though he totally blushes when talking about his emotions. He isn’t one for that mushy gushy stuff). Though he is more of an ‘actions speak louder than words man’ because of this. He shows his love for his s/o by his gentle touch when with them, or the way a small smile will creep to his face when he sees them.
  • Saber is an extremely easy-going partner. He knows what he got, and he knows that he got the goods, so he isn’t afraid that his partner would run off without him. Because of that, the two rarely get into arguments. He often jokes that he and his s/o should teach Boey and Mae a thing or two about coming to an understanding with each other rather than resorting to bickering like an old married couple.
  • Most times, Saber and his s/o are never seen around camp. That’s because the two tend to sneak off anytime they can to get some alone time together.
  • Saber will do anything he can to keep his s/o happy. He will always make the bed after one of their… daily activities, and he will check their weapon to make sure it is in tip top condition. He watches their back in battle and he holds them every night before he can sleep. He is absolutely head over heels for his love, and he will make sure he shows it every day.
  • Saber loves touching his s/o. In every way possible. Like almost constantly. It’s just how he is, he can’t help himself when he sees his beautiful lover right there just an arm’s length away.

Thirsty Note: Berkut is so difficult because he is a little sassy man and no one can convince me otherwise.


Okay so left to right with descriptions:

Francis Smith:

That one dead sassy man.
He’s a college student who died after he slipped and fell screeching “satisfied” from Hamilton. Haunts the shower head and is really vain. Also, naked except for a towel.

Seole Reynolds

That magic mailman.
Named after a famous fairy tale character, Seole is basically a Disney princess. He’s haunted by a dragon and works as a mailman for the magic creatures in the woods; poor man is also the home repair, plumber, and the other random odd jobs person. (The elder ones call him “DC” for “Dream Catcher”)
The final straw is when he let a demon refugee into his house and almost got swarmed by the Other’s version of a SWAT team.
He’s overworked to the point he no longer gives a flying-


Demon with good intentions.
Phil was a security demon in charge of making sure the dead don’t escape through the borders back to life. After accidentally pressing the Big Red Button, however, he was ejected from his job and forced to live as a human to look for the people he accidentally released. (He still doesn’t know where Stalin went.)
He’s constantly anxious and is currently Seole’s assistant.

Polaris Chen (Dimension E-426)

The underaged librarian.
Polaris is an only child that ended up orphaned after watching his parents murdered by a dimension traveling psychopath version of him. He’s also Airise’s adopted charge and is surprisingly mellow.

Christian Yvethal Ulnstar

The Shopkeeper.
Prefers his nickname “Cyu” pronounced “see-u”. Cyu is…something that is in charge of a small shop located between the end of the sidewalk and the end if the world. He sells knowledge and enjoys tea in his freetime. Besides being a perfectly acceptable boss, he also keeps contact with the Elder Gods. The mysterious chubby man.

Lyren Youka (Dimension X-827)
A dimension traveller.
The older brother of Airise. He is a talented pilot and a good artist, but is always too tired or lazy to really do anything. Lyren is prideful and relatively suspicious of everything. He has questionable morals and dislikes Polaris (Dimension E-426) due to a bad run in with an alternate psychopathic version of Polaris from Dim. X827

Airise Youka (Dimension X827)
A dimension traveller.
A giant tall cinnamon stick. Airise is the outgoing hardworking of the Youka siblings, but his trust is usually always misplaced twenty four seven. Unlike Lyren, Airise is very humble and always believes in second chances. He’s been in the military with Lyren and serves as the heavy duty lifter.

Aaaannnddd That’s all if them! (Ish.)