PERIPHERAL DICKS a fic by alyssamaydrawSuddenly Bilbo Baggin walked into his garden.
“Shit,” he said, winding his way through the raspberry bushes and snap peas, “why does Frodo always want fuckin mushrooms?” His nephew. Frodo. Was his nephew. And wanted mushrooms, like all the god damn time. He was constantly wading through his garden picking mushrooms for the kid. For real, Frodo was obsessed with mushrooms. Not to mention his gd friends, those lil shits were so into mushromos Bilbo had to wonder if perhaps they were using them for less than legal purposes.
So, here he was, picking mushrooms.
Ok so he picked a mushroom, the biggest and best and thickest and veiniest mushroom in his garden. (In case you don’t knwo, mushroom is a metaphor for penis her,e just roll with it ok?)
So. He picked the mushromom.
He heard a voice from the moist shadows (how can shadows be moist you ask? FUCK YOU THAT”S HOW?) and jumped as it rang out:
“HOW DARE YOU PICK MY MOST SACRED MUSH?”
“What the SHIT?!?!?!” Bilbo shouted, straightening in ultimate shock.
“I am Thorin!” the voice continued in a voice that belied the true nature of the diminuitive creature below him, “Gnome and keeper of this garden!” Bilbo saw him now, a tiny man in a red hat with long hair and a shorter beard than he would have expected in one to claim himself a gnome.
“Fuck that,” Bilbo leaned in towards the tiny man, “This is my garden!”
“Sure, yeah,” THorin aqcuiesced, “But also it’s pretty much my garden? Cuz I’m a gnome?”
“So yeah,” Thorin continued, “You basically picked my best mush.”
“Welll I grew it,” Bilbo muttered, growing angry again, “So technically it’s MY best mush.”
“INCORRECT,” Thorin shouted, causing Bilbo to reel back in surprise, “This is my garden, and that mushrom was fuled by my HATE!”
“What the fuck is happening?” Bilbo muttered, trying to remember how much longbottom leaf he’d smoked that afternoon.
“Because you plucked my prize mushroom from the garden,” Thorin’s voice was low and ominous now, “I’m basiclaly gonna have to curse you. So. Yeah.”
“Curse you,” Thorin said matter-of-factly, “I’m going to curse you. So here goes.”
Bilbo sat, still on his knees in the garden, hoping hte curse would come quickly so he could go inside and change.
“Ok…” Thorin said after a minute, “You, and all of yoru descendents….”
“Yes?” Bilbo said after a few moments of silence from the gnome.
“One second,” Thorin snapped, biting his lip as he thought, “Ok, I’ve got it! You and your descentdants shall always see a dick.”
“A dick,’ Thorin nodded sagely, “In your peripheral vision. Like in the corner of your eye?” Biblo made a face at this and Thorin continued to clarify.
“Like,” he elaborated, “There will always be a dick? You’ll always just see a msyterious floating dick?”
“Well,” Bilbo muttered, gathering the mushrooms into his basket, “That sucks.”
In the corner of his eye he thought he saw a really big penis, but when he turned to focus on it he only saw the branch of a nearby tree.
“Hey Sam,” Frodo said under his breath, “Is it just me or does Legolas whip his junk out a lot?”