hermes look a like

punsbulletsandpointythings  asked:

Your myth retellings are gorgeous. Would you tell another please? Maybe something with Hermes?

Pandora is made from earth, shaped by the hands of Hephaestus and made in the image of his beloved wife. Aphrodite gifts her with grace and charisma. Athena teaches her to weave and bestows cleverness upon her.

She stands in front of Hermes, and the god frowns and touches her with a single fingertip on her chin, moving her head one way than the other. “They’ll eat you alive,” he says, and she doesn’t understand.

She tilts her head to the side and smiles a vacant smile. All of the cleverness in the world will do her no good without any context. “We are the same,” she says, pressing a hand to Hermes’s chest. She is made from earth and has the skin to mach. He is a celestial god, and his skin is the same rich shade of brown.

He did not ask to be born any more than his mother asked to bare him. His creation, just like hers, is at the whims of Zeus. All for some little lost fire, all because Prometheus wanted his people to be warm, and, well, he is the god of the thieves after all –

So he gifts her with deceit, with selfishness, with cunning. Her smile leaves her face all at once as she’s filled with self-awareness. “He’ll be angry with you,” she says, “I am not what you were supposed to make.”

“Gods have short memories,” he says, and doesn’t bother to hide the contempt in his voice. “Do not worry about me, gifted child. You have larger problems than my fate.”

He has turned her from something pure into – something more like him. Her face darkens even further as her perfectly crafted mind slots all the pieces together, and he can’t help but find her lovely. It’s how she was made, after all. “I can’t stop it, can I? Whatever they’re planning for me to do?”

“No,” Hermes says, “but now you might be able to survive it.”

“Will I want to?” she asks, and he doesn’t answer. She doesn’t expect him too.

~

She hides from everyone, lives in a cave at the edge of the city. The gods had called her the first woman, but that’s not true, she can see.

There are women. They smile and laugh have work roughened hands. She aches to join them, but she has the beauty of a goddess. They will know. If she joins them, they will know she is not of them, and it will set into motion whatever trap Zeus has planned.

She is not human, not in the same way, molded from clay by a god’s hands. But she is of humans, and not eager to bestow upon them the harm she’s destined to bring them. She bathes in streams where only nymphs reside, steals into the city in the cloak of night and pilfers from the baker’s trash.

“When they said they sent my brother a wife,” a low, amused voice says too close behind her one night, “I had not expected a begger.”

She whirls around, hard bread clenched tight in front of her, an incredibly inefficient shield. Her breath catches in her throat when she sees him, dark and tall and eyes like the night sky. He looks like Hermes. Like her. “Who are you?” she demands. They’re in an alley corner, and of her gifts flight is not among them. She’ll have to fight him to get away.

She’s not afraid of him. Maybe another mortal would be, cornered in the middle of the night by a man she doesn’t know. But she’s no normal mortal woman, and besides – he has something comforting about him, like the hearthfire attended by Hestia. Something warm.

“I am Prometheus,” says the man, and no wonder he reminds her of fire. “What do they call you?”

“You are meant to be in the deepest pits of Hades’s realm,” she snaps, and shifts her grip on the stale bread so that she can throw it at him. He’s the whole reason she’s here to begin with, him and his thievery.

He shrugs and walks closer to her, watching her like one would watch a wild animal. Good. Here, in this dark alley where no one would find a cooling body until morning, it is he that should be afraid. “Gods forget,” he says, “and Hades had grown cold in his place beneath the earth.”

She pauses, considers. “You stole fire for Hades?”

“No,” he corrects, “I stole fire for the people. But Hades benefited as well. Enough that he was willing to forget the terms of my punishment.”

“What do you want?” she asks for the second time. “Why are you here?”

He stops, too close to her, “The question is why are you here?”

She steps into his space now, following him as he backs away from her, “I am here because of you, fire-stealer, because gods may forget but they do not forgive, and I am the punishment they have unleashed upon the world.”

“What a punishment you are,” he says, looking at her lips, and she forgets to hate him only long enough to kiss him.

~

Hermes watches her, watches them. He doesn’t know Zeus’s plan, if this is part of it or not, but he watches her, and he worries. He thinks it is, he can see Aphrodite’s magic clinging to Pandora, but he doesn’t know why.

He would go to his mother, but she’s always difficult to find, Gaea preferring to live in streams and rivers rather than face the man she bore a son for. But his mother’s father, on the other hand, is always in the same place.

“Grandfather,” Hermes greets, touching lightly down onto the earth, “How are you?”

“How am I always, boy?” Atlas grunts out, legs and arms straining as he holds up the sky above the earth. “Tired.”

Hermes lips quirk up the corners. Some days, he thinks he’s more Atlas’s grandson than he’s Zeus’s son. “I need some advice, Grandfather.”

Atlas raises an eyebrow, “I’m listening.”

So Hermes tells him everything, from beginning to end, because he can’t figure out what his father’s plan is, but Atlas might. He’s known the man for longer, at least.

Atlas nods, slow, and says, “A bride of gods, a gifted child. I can think of only one reason to create such a child.” Hermes waits. Atlas sighs and says, “There is a jar, within Olympus, that becomes sealed when it leaves the realm of the gods. After that, only a being neither mortal nor celestial may open it.”

“What are they planning to put inside?” Hermes demands, heart spiking. What are they planning to unleash upon the unsuspecting earth?

His grandfather smirks, “It doesn’t matter. What matters is this – what are you going to put inside?”

Keep reading

  • Hermes: ×To Dionysus× You made a tribute play to yourself? thats like jacking it to a picture of yourself
  • Apollo: Which I've done but still Dio thats pretty fucking wierd
  • Dionysus: But guys the play is going great! the crew and I practice every tuesday night
  • Hermes: ...wait a minute...Tuesday night?
  • Hephaestus: Thats impossible you have astronaut class on tuesday night
  • Dionysus: ...Weeeeellll....
  • Hephaestus: ASTRONAUT CLASS IS A LIE!? IVE BEEN TELLING EVERYONE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN ASTRONAUT NOW I LOOK LIKE FOOL

Looks like they can kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll: Hades, Hephaestus, Iapetus (Bob)

Looks like a cinnamon roll but can actually kill you: Aphrodite, Hera, Demeter, Dionysus

Looks like they can kill you and can actually kill you: Athena, Ares, Artemis, Zeus, fucking Gaea and all her punk ass kids

Looks like a cinnamon roll and is actually a cinnamon roll: Poseidon, Hestia, Hermes, Apollo

i give hermes my smiles, crooked and a little heartbreaking but charming all the same, because, to me, they look so like him

i give hermes my laugh, rough around the edges and hollow like bird bones, and i hope desperately that something that small could make him happy

i give hermes the spark in my eyes, the joke on the tip of my tongue, the spring in my step, and i am not bereft of these things, because joy is not a finite wealth

joy is sunlight through the leaves as i cycle down crowded streets, joy is holding hands with everyone i’ve ever loved, and joy is dancing like everybody is watching

i give hermes my joy and he gives it right back tenfold

-26.5.16 [to hermes]

anonymous asked:

Do you think that some cabins have demigods with powers that fall in the range of their parent's, but is completely opposite the rest of their half-siblings? Say, an Apollo kid who makes people sicker or a an especially hyperactive Hypnos kid?

Yes! That’s something I fully support, because each reaction has an equal and opposite reaction, meaning for each possible power there is an opposite power, within reason. I think it depends on how the god manifested themselves upon meeting the mortal parent. The Twelve Olympians are gods/goddesses of multiple things, such as Hermes being the god of travelers and thieves. In a very simplified example, if you met Hermes at like a hostel vs if you met him on a heist of some sorts.

I think that in part explains the variance in powers, and how most children would have very similar powers, like a lot of Apollo kids are healers due to their parents meeting Apollo in a situation where he was a doctor or a healer of some sort.

However, that’s just a hypothesis. I’m sure there’s also a variance of randomness in there, because god’s don’t have DNA so there’s no hereditary traits. But, that brings up the question of how demigods get any traits from the parents like all Hermes kids having the same mischievous look annnnd now I’m getting off topic and geeking out over genetics.

But yeah, I totally support polar-opposite demigod powers.

ayatofem  asked:

Personally my favorite brotp is Hermes and Ares, like I can imagine Dionysus Ares and Hermes sitting at a table and Hermes is like: dude I think these glasses make me look fat and Ares says: no bro you look great trust me and Hermes is like: Well maybe but I don't look as good as you, and Ares is like: you're crazy, you look great! And Dionysus is like: I'm actually the straightest person at this table

u know it’s gay when the literal god of gays is the straightest person there

A sitcom where Hermes is unfortunately Daryun’s childhood friend and he needs to raise Arslan for 5 years to prove something to his dad but he doesn’t know how to raise things. He had a pet lizard once but only for 5 days. He moves into Daryun’s place and try to unravel the mysteries of child-rearing. They try really hard but fail a lot and it takes the effort of the whole apartment building to show them the how-to.

Starring, Hermes who doesn’t know how to raise things; Daryun who is the childhood friend but not by choice; Narsus the neighbour who babysits Elam for 10 hours a week; Farangis and Gieve who are surprisingly good with kids; Kharlan and his family who moved into the apartment to help Hermes (but only 10 months later); Kishward who has a lot of birds, Kubard and Shapur who are questionable adults taking care of(???) a lot of brats (Isfan, Zaravant and Tus); The Zot family who Hermes is suspicious of but Arslan likes to play with their daughter, Alfreed; Jaswant who talks a lot about Mr.Mahendra like he’s his dad but he isn’t and that’s very confusing; Baracion who lives on the top floor with his grand…son? Etoile;  Saam who saves the days most of the time albeit exasperatedly.

Guest appearances by, Guiscard who always looks irritated and in turn makes Hermes feel better; Rajendra and Gadevi who bicker a lot in front of their apartment building and no one knows why; a group of men wearing black hoodies who buys groceries for Hermes ; and Bodin who no one talks about.

a.k.a, it was 3am

So here’s my most recent OC, a watery boy by the name of Theikos! It’s kind of my first time drawing water hair, and I really can’t tell if it looks like water or just jelly??? and I was hoping to maybe get some insight on that, and how to maybe spice him up without making him too mary sue/op :-0

(Plus any other insight you think would be helpful in developing him out a bit more- he’s still in ‘beta’!)

Thank you in advance! <3


The hair looks nice, I would try to make it more translucent and adding more white into it. His design is really nice; it reminds me of greek mythology. You could change his shoes to look like Hermes winged shoes, that would be p cool.

-Tk

anonymous asked:

Would it be okay to ask you stuff about how you worship Hermes? You seem pretty enthusiastic but I thought it would be polite to ask first :)

Of course, of course! I’m always happy to talk about Hermes. Thanks for the ask, please feel free to message me with questions. But, I’m going to use this as an excuse to make a post about Him. ^_^

How do I worship Hermes, huh? Well, my style is a bit fly by the seat of my pants (heh pun.) I affectionately call myself a “bastardized pagan.” My methods are many and varied, but I’ll try and make a tidy list for you here.

🍓 I talk to Him and pray of course, though my prayers look something like this:

Dear Lord Hermes, Light of My Life and Song of My Soul, Great Guide and Feather-footed Master of Flirting, You honor me with Your Lovely Presence and if it’s not too much of a bother, I pray You accept this token of my affection. *plays a song that reminds me of Him*

Hermes speaks in the language of Flirt with me, and so this is how I speak to Him. He seems to approve.

🍓 I offer Him bits and bobs that I pick up, which remind me of Him. Most recently that included: a patch I embroidered for Him, a compass that doesn’t point north, a Scottish souvenir shot glass I found at a reclaim shop for a dollar, a little button that says “Shop Til You Drop” I found at that shame shop for a dime, and a shiny piece of glass I picked up while on a trip with friends.

🍓 Food and libation wise, on my altar I give Hermes non-perishable sweets that are in wrappers and water in His special glass. If I offer perishables, I set it on the altar and go “Hey! It’s for You, My Dude. I’ll eat it so it doesn’t go bad in a few minutes.”

🍓 A lot of my worship revolves around thoughts and feelings as offerings. Every time I get behind the wheel of a car for instance, I think about and pray to Hermes. He is the reason I got my driver’s permit this year. I knew it was something I needed to do and He wanted me to do it. And of course, I do a lot of Hermes stuff on my blog, that’s another way I worship Him.

If you wanna know more, hit me up!

anonymous asked:

Hi, have you got any headcannons about the actual cabins at camp halfblood and what they all look like on the inside?

Of course I do. Thanks for asking. Hmm lets see :

  • The Zeus cabin is like its described in the books. Empty with a statue of Zeus but if you look closely Ancient Greek inscriptions (which are faded due to age) are carved into the wall. No one can decipher them because they are too mixed up but when the door is open and the light hits the wall you can see them glowing like sunlit freshly fallen snow.
  • The Hera cabin is pretty much the same. Her ceiling, however, is carved with Peacocks. The Zeus and Hera cabins are the same in all other aspects.
  • The Poseidon cabin, aside from looking like its made out of a rock from the sea is beautiful on the inside. It’s painted in shades of blue and green so it looks like waves are shimmering whenever light pours in from the windows. Some old coral plants are still in the stone so they add bursts of colour and add to the undersea effect. Unknown to many there is a trapdoor leading to a small cavern and a pool of freshwater underneath the cabin. It continues with an underground tunnel to the beach.
  • The Demeter cabin looks like its weaved out of vines. So many layers of plants cover it that you can’t tell that it’s actually made out of brick. The temperatures are self controlled to the needs of the campers so it basically has its own heater and air conditioner of sorts. There aren’t any plants inside (to avoid bugs) but the entire cabin is painted in Earthly colours. Shades of browns and gold. The roof has a special way of harnessing solar light to power the cabin (since its safe energy) despite its lack of solar panels
  • The Ares cabin isn’t the nicest out of all the cabins but it isn’t that body. It looks awful on the outside (and inside) but the beds are compressible. The walls open and close to make cabinets in which campers keep their belongings. It’s basically like Army barracks. (Use less space to fit more stuff). There’s a hidden cabinet in which all the battle/ambush plans that all the campers made are stored. (These came very handy during the two wars).
  • The Athena cabin is practically lined with bookshelves. Pretty much like the library in Beauty and the Beast. The cabin even has several underground floors to accommodate more books. The most important and valuable ones are kept in a magic safe deep underground with charms to protect the elements from harming them. In one of the below floors there’s even a complete strategics room to plan battle attacks. The ceiling is inscribed with Greek letters and words which only the Athena cabin can decipher. It’s a lullaby that, when the campers read before going to sleep, makes them feel Athena is singing it. (This is very comforting to the younger Athena kids). No one knows how but a couple of olive branches grow across the room. The interesting thing is they cross the parts of the walls where realistic owls are painted (so it looks like owls are perched on the branches). The walls are also covered with some hand made posters like “Remember to Eat” or “Time for Bed”. (They are mostly for Annabeth).
  • The Apollo cabin looks like its made of pure gold but its campers have no trouble seeing it. Inside it there are musical notes on the walls and a self playing harp. Different instruments and archery materials are decorated around the place. A Greek healing spell is written all around the cabin which is said to prevent disease and illness from entering. There is a small library of books which the Apollo campers own which are specifically about medical remedies, archery tricks and music. The walls are engraved with poetry by famous poets in Greek (so as to make it easier for the campers to read). A small fountain (which never overflows) is at the very back of the cabin filled with olive oil. The campers use it whenever they have a stuffy nose or get small cuts or scrapes while training.
  • The Artemis cabin isn’t very fancy. The ceiling is enchanted to change its image as the stars and moon change every night. It smells like pine cones inside (and the walls and floor are lined with pine wood too). It is lightly painted with a colour that makes it look as if moon beams are shining across the walls. The carpets are animal skins which the Huntresses bring from their hunts. The quilts on the beds are also made of animal fur.
  • The Hephaestus cabin looks like a workshop on the outside. On the inside its actually not as messy as one might think. There is a place for everything and everything is mostly in place. There is a workshop underneath the cabin for those campers who can’t sleep at night and need to tinker. Most of the beds fold up and unknown to the other cabin campers there are rooms underneath the actual cabin. The rooms consist of decent sized cubicles (sort of like a dorm) in which the campers sleep. The walls (decorated with carvings of fire) shift and behind them layers of tools are hung up. The temperature is maintained internally so the campers are never too hot or too cold.
  • At first sight the Aphrodite cabin looks like a typical doll house with hung up curtains and perfect paint. It actually is a lot more than that. It has (aside from trunks for the campers to keep their things in), a few walk in closets with clothes that are for any occasion. (That’s mostly where the extra clothes for campers without it comes from). Different rooms are present underground in which the Aphrodite campers do whatever they want. (Interior designing and sewing are the most selected options). Besides that lots of books are also on the floors underneath. Some focus on tips for staying healthy and makeup and stuff but 90% of them are for discovering yourself and your inner beauty. The walls are covered in motivational posters about beauty since Aphrodite is not just about physical attractiveness.
  • The Hermes cabin looks like a typical camp cabin from the inside. With wood ceilings and floors. Besides the dozens of beds and mattresses spread out there isn’t room for a lot of things. However, the Hermes campers can open a secret panel and go to separate rooms when they feel too constricted. (There are plenty of pranking items stored underneath the floorboards of the cabin too although only the Hermes campers know it). The little decoration the campers have set up are assorted posters and drawings and crafts. It makes the cabin look the most ‘normal’ out of all of the others.
  • Like the Demeter cabin, the Dionysus cabin is covered in vines. Grape vines and creeper to be exact. The inside is purple. Everything is made of wood with purple and green accents. The carpet is a leopard skin rug. On the shelves are different books on the topic of mental illnesses such as Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia etc. There is also a small fridge behind one of the walls to keep juices of all sorts since the Dionysus kids have an odd craving for fruit juices. (Not necessarily grape).

I hope these are okay. I’m not satisfied but ah well.

I really like the idea of there being panels and trapdoors and underground rooms in the cabins. So I decided to incorporate my idea. I know most of the rooms are underground but come on ? They wouldn’t be up in the sky now would they ?

By the way the thing about olive oil (Apollo cabin HC) is true. If you use it on small scrapes and bruises or bug bites it actually works. It also clears out your nose if its stuffy cuz of colds and stuff. I recommend using it since it gives you a good alternative to medicine which contains chemicals.

I don’t mind doing some for the minor cabins I someone requests them. 

(Minor God Cabins)

I feel as if some of the ones I did are redundant. Thoughts ?

Hope you like them anyway.

:)

Redemption pt. 2

Previous chapter: https://spaceterrors.tumblr.com/post/161261856592/this


Ellara set her messenger bag down at her desk in the corner of the workshop and pulled out her laptop. She touched a button on the side and a hologram of her current job lit up. It was an older spacer, a Hermes starjumper, if the internals were anything to go by. One of the first on the market, and originally only available to the select few who had the money to pay for it. Now it sat in the workshop, rusted and scratched.


She tapped a button on the keyboard and a set of doors opened in the floor. The spacer rose up, levitating between two giant magnets, and the doors closed under it.


“Balle solga!” Came a voice from the other side of the workshop. Ellara recognized the voice but couldn’t pick out the words.


“Shit, sorry Gunther,” she said to the voice, quickly flipping a switch on a device near her ear, “I forgot to turn on my translator, could you repeat that please?”


“Bright solbreak!” Gunther repeated. “I see you’ve gotten to work on that junk spacer!”


“Actually, I had a look at the internals. It looks like a vintage Hermes! Probably one of the first, if my memory serves. I’ll have the computer scan it to be sure, but I think it’s only the exterior that's​ been swapped out.”


“Wow really? That oughta catch a fair price! Especially if we can get an old exterior. I’ll have a look at the inventory to see if we have any on hand.”


Ellara grabbed a toolbox and slid under the vehicle, popping open a panel before attaching a small device to a metal tube. It transmitted an image to her tablet of each component within.


“I was right!” Ellara exclaimed, “Any luck with the exterior?”


“Nope, I checked the database for spacer parts. The nearest one available is in the Arlon system. You’re going to have to go on a bit of a trip to get it.”


“Damn, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to go on another parts run for a while. Well, why don’t we fix up what we can and I’ll book a spot on the next shipping run to Arlon when I get home.”


Ellara removed another panel, grabbed a wrench, and went to work on the air supply pump. She reached up towards the back and detached the tank from the hose leading to the pump, when she saw something come falling towards her, hitting her on the forehead and bouncing off, metal clanging on the floor. She looked up. The tank was still being held in place by the pump itself.


Ellara tried to move her right arm. Nothing.


“Hey Gunther, could you give me a hand? Mine stopped working.” Ellara asked


“Did it run out of power or is it a broken component?”


“Honestly with the state it’s in it could be either. Can you help me up so I can check?”


Gunther trotted over and pulled Ellara out from under the spacer. She stood up and grabbed onto her metal arm to support it until she got to the desk. Grabbing a screwdriver from the desk, she unscrewed the rest of the arm from the shoulder socket.


“Ugh, it looks like some of the smaller motors controlling the elbow shorted, causing the whole arm to shut down to keep the rest of the arm from being damaged.” Ellara explained.


“You know, that could be solved by a transplant.” Gunther suggested, “I don’t get why you insist on still using mechanics. Hell, even cybertronics would work better than what you have now.


“You know I built most of this arm from scratch, Gunther. Plus, I don’t like the idea of being constantly connected to the internet or having a dead person’s arm sewed on me.”


“Alright, whatever floats your boat. I do have some spare wrist-mounted smartscreens you could have. Brand new Nivenian tech.”


“No thanks Gunth. I appreciate the offer but-”


Gunther interrupted “It has a free subscription to GreenScreen.”


“… Okay I’ll take it!”

(Author’s note: GreenScreen is future Netflix. Plot should pick up a bit in the next 2 or so entries)

8

The wing footed boy.

bisexualclarkgriffin  asked:

Pandoras box!! for the voting thing :) i love your myth retellings they're always so fun

Firstly, many thank! This made me happy. 

Secondly, Pandora far and away won this week’s vote, so without further ado, here is the myth of Pandora’s ‘Box’. Disclaimer: there are no boxes in this story.

Long post ahead, so if you don’t fancy reading a poorly retold myth about a clay seductress and cheap giftwrap, you can press J to skip. Sources, analysis and historical / literary information under the Read More! 

*

This story begins with a cunning plan. Well, technically it begins with the entire creation of humankind and humankind’s subsequent failureto do a goddamn thing without being nannied by their creator, Prometheus, whoends up setting some beef on fire so that he can steal fire from Zeus just so that his precious baby humans will stop being completely pointless, but that’s another myth for another day. Like, next week.

Anyway, after this embarrassing mishap, Zeus is still stewing about it months afterwards. On one of his weekly wingman jaunts with his favourite son, Hermes, he can’t stop ranting about it. He’s just muttering stuff like “no Titan makes a fool of me and gets away with it! I’ll get my revenge on that misshapen lump of betrayal, mark my words” and eventually Hermes is like “what are you going to do?” and Zeus is like “I’m going to give him a present, of course” and Hermes looks at him and says “a present” and Zeus nods and says “yes, because nothing says vengeance like cheap giftwrap” and Hermes nods slowly and says “well, what are you going to give him? How about a really beautiful bouquet of flowers, except the flowers are poison?” and Zeus is like “no, that’s not devious enough” and Hermes thinks for a moment and then he says “how about you craft him a radical wooden horse, and then when he opens it, all these men come out and they slaughter him and say stuff like ‘that’s for Zeus!’ and ‘no Titan makes a fool of Zeus and gets away with it!” and Zeus says “firstly, don’t steal my lines, those are all a man has in the world, and secondly, that still isn’t devious enough, and also I don’t even know why he would instinctively open the horse”.

Suddenly, his face lights up and he grabs Hermes by the shoulders and he’s like “son, we need a woman” and Hermes blinks and he’s like “dad, you already have loads of them, that’s your main problem” and Zeus just shrugs and says “I’d say more ‘attribute’ than ‘problem’, but anyway, you’ve totally missed my point. What I’m saying is that we are going to create a woman out of clay and then we are going to send her to Prometheus’ brother and force her to single-handedly destroy the future of humankind using her womanly wiles” and Hermes just blinks and he’s like “to be honest, I didn’t get any of that from ‘we need a woman’, but that’s a five star plan, dad, textbook vengeance” and then he fist bumps Zeus and they go to find Hephaestus, because if anyone is capable of creating a woman out of clay, it is Hephaestus.

When they get to Hephaestus’ lab, Zeus asks him “so, Hephaestus, how’s it going?” and Hephaestus puts down his welding tools and looks at Zeus and says “well, my sister-wife is probably fucking one of our other brothers as we speak, I haven’t left this cave in years because people recoil at my hideous visage, and to top it all off, I haven’t had a really interesting commission in ages, so it could be going better, to be honest” and Zeus just clasps his shoulder in a way that’s manly but carefully non-fatherly, and he’s like “firstly, I just want to say that I think I’ve done an absolutely stellar job raising all you kids, I’m so proud, and secondly, can you forge a hot naked lady?” and Hephaestus blinks and says “I’m a lonely master blacksmith, what do you think?” and Zeus grins and he’s like “excellent! Have her done in a few hours, that’s my boy” and Hermes, who’s been watching from the doorway the entire time, is just like “this family is one giant cesspool of fuck-ups.”

In a couple of hours, Hephaestus has finished forging the woman, and he sort of props her up against the far wall of his cave and they all stare at her and Hermes is like “is it creepy that I think I’m in love?” and Hephaestus is like “bro, I’m married to my sister, you’ll find no judgement here” and Zeus is like “double ditto” and then he and Hermes high five and Hephaestus tries to join in but they just ignore him, and he does that thing where you pretend that you weren’t going in for a high five at all and you were just scratching your neck. Then Hermes is like “so, what’s the next step?” and Zeus is all “well, I’m pretty sure I know, but I think we should maybe just stare at her naked form for a while longer, just to make sure. Look, Hephaestus has even given her - ” and then Hermes says “I thought you wanted scorching vengeance” and Zeus’ face grows dark and he’s like “sod her shapely waist, you’re right! Well, for the next phase of our plan, we need to find another woman” and Hephaestus just clears his throat, and Zeus is all “down boy, I mean Athena” and Hephaestus just sort of deflates, and they go off to find Athena.

Athena and Aphrodite are really busy sitting around and looking flawless when Zeus and Hermes get to them, and Athena is like “you never willingly spend time with women who won’t let you give them fifteen minutes of pleasure and a lifelong struggle with commitment issues, why are you here?” and Zeus just says “I need you to help me imbue a clay woman with negative feminine qualities so that all of humankind will suffer” and Athena just nods and she’s like “well, if there’s one thing that our damagingly patriarchal society is good for, it’s perpetuating the normality of internalised misogyny which leads to the subversion of the beauty of womanhood and the subsequent perception of it as threatening, so I guess just tell me what you need us to do” and Aphrodite is like “yeah, what she said”, and they all head back to Hephaestus’ cave.

Back at Hephaestus’ lab, all the gods are just sort of standing around brainstorming, and then Athena is like “so, it would really help if we knew what your plan was” and Zeus just spreads his hands benevolently, because he’s been waiting for the right audience to show off to for quite some time now, and he says “well, basically, we’re going to create the perfect woman, give her to Prometheus’ brother, and then have her release a plague of daemons upon the human race which will absolutely destroy any potential there ever was for a utopian future free of pain and suffering. Neat, huh?” and all the gods just stare at him, and then Aphrodite is like “I honestly don’t know why you couldn’t just make Prometheus fall in love with a wall or something, this is such a convoluted plan” but Athena raises her hand to quieten her sister, and she’s all “I actually fucking love this plan, it’s so unnecessarily devious and flawed, like the subplot of a Brosnan era Bond. I totally know what gift I’m going to give this clay woman!” and she sort of does this weird hand waving thing which somehow manages to look really badass and enigmatic, and then Aphrodite is like “hold the fucking phone, I’m getting in on this” and she starts doing the same thing, and then Hermes is all “I refuse to be left out of a chance for trickery, it goes against all my strongly held principles” and he starts doing it too, and after a few moments, they all stop and the clay woman is suddenly alive and no longer naked, and Zeus is like “holy me, what did you do?” and Athena is all “well, I made her incredibly talented and, as you can see, I also gave her some fucking clothes” and Aphrodite adds “and I gave her the powers of seduction and charm that she’ll need to survive in a male dominated society” and Hermes is like “I just made her really deceitful, I thought that’s what we were going for here”.

Zeus is just astonished, and he’s all “holy mother of myself, this woman has got literally everything! I mean, I’m obviously god’s gift to womankind – and as I’m the god, I think that’s pretty selfless of me – but this woman is god’s gift to man! It’s almost a shame that she’s going to wreak ceaseless, unrelenting havoc and destruction. Heck, I’m going to name her Pandora, because that’s an ace name and also it sounds kind of saucy”. Then, Pandora is like “so, this is embarrassing, but why am I here again?” and then Zeus is like “you’re not” and he shoves this jar at her which is nearly as big as she is, and gives Hermes this super secret bro code nod, and Hermes just gives him the same small nod in response, and in the blink of an eye, Hermes has taken Pandora down to Earth and dropped her at the door of Epimetheus, Prometheus’ brother.

When Epimetheus opens the door, Hermes just shoves Pandora at him and says “we did a whip round and got you a present,” and Epimetheus is like “my way more intelligent brother has literally just given me a really long talk about why I shouldn’t accept gifts from the gods right now because they’re kind of pissed at him over something to do with ffire and beef, but this woman is smoking hot! I wholeheartedly accept, thank you very much, do I need to sign something for the delivery or” and Hermes is like “no man, it’s on the house, just a friendly gift from your local malevolent superiors” and Epimetheus is like “swell, that’s awesome, thanks man” and he takes Pandora inside and Hermes flies off, giggling evilly the entire time.

Epimetheus leads Pandora into the kitchen and they sit down and make really awkward small talk for a bit, except Pandora is also doing that thing where you rub your ankle against the dude’s leg until it drives him wild, and she’s leaning on her steepled fingers and making doe eyes at him and pouting a bit, and Epimetheus is all flustered because he’s only ever had Prometheus in his kitchen before and Prometheus isn’t even slightly a hot woman, and so he’s like “so, what’s in that jar of yours?” and Pandora flutters her eyelashes and says “you mean this jar? It was a wedding present from Zeus himself!” and she pushes it forward slightly so that it’s between them on the floor, and Epimetheus is like “well, yeah, unless you have any other jars hidden about your person. Not that you look like you do! That wasn’t a boob joke or anything. Gosh, I’m sorry, I’m just so new to all of this” and Pandora does this tinkly little bell-like laugh and says “I think it’s adorable” and Epimetheus blushes, and in search for something to say, he’s just like “so, what is in that jar?” and Pandora shrugs and grins slyly and says “I don’t know, shall we find out together?” and Epimetheus’ brain gets really stuck on the word ‘together’ and he just nods dumbly, and then Pandora smirks and opens the jar, and -

- everything just goes to fucking shit, because no sooner has she taken the lid off, all these evil spirits just start flying out all over the place, like the spirits of violent death and cruel murder and hard toil and illness and evil itself and Tyler Oakley, and in a cacophony of otherworldly screams and smoke, they pour from the jar and into all the nooks and crannies of Earth, until Epimetheus manages to shove the lid back onto the jar and they stop coming out, and then he and Pandora just sort of sit in the kitchen as the deathly moans and shrieks of the spirits fade away into the far-off distance, and Epimetheus is breathing really heavily and Pandora is just sitting there, placid and calm, and Epimetheus is like “that is the worst wedding present ever, what was Zeus thinking?” and Pandora just shrugs and she’s like “maybe it gets better” and she opens the jar again, and Epimetheus is about to start yelling when they realise that nothing else is coming out of it.

So, they peer into the jar, and they can see that one spirit has remained behind: Elpis, the spirit of hope. Elpis just looks up at them and sighs, and she’s like “yeah, no big deal, guys, you just ruined my plans for the next million years because I totally have to stick around and help your species live with the burden you’ve just thoughtlessly released upon it” and Epimetheus is like “awesome, best wedding present ever, I’ve decided that we can keep the jar after all.”

Back on Mount Olympus, Zeus is just like “nice”, and he totally high fives Hephaestus.

*

My other retellings can be found here; my main blog is here; and my Mythology Mondays Facebook page is here. The latter two links also allow you to follow my progress in writing a whole actual book. Thrilling.

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