here's another project i dont even know if i will be able to bring on

okay so. as someone who runs one of the very, very few ocpd-centric blogs on tumblr (not this one, i mean @thatocpdfeel ), its actually so upsetting how little people know abt ocpd, even here on tumblr amongst other mental health bloggers. not to say anything bad abt those bloggers!!! its just not spoken abt much. maybe thats because its not as common as, like, bpd or avpd, but its also because SO many ocpd symptoms are ENCOURAGED by society. i get so many tags on my posts saying “thats an ocpd thing???” or “thats not normal???” or “im not supposed to do that???” like so much of what is killing us from the inside are things parents, teachers, and guardians all think are positive attributes to have, but we internalize those things in such a twisted and intense way that we suffer and yet are idealized for our suffering.
ive had so many people with other illnesses, like depression, tell me how ocpd has its upsides because i can be productive and get stuff done when they cant even get out of bed. thats not how it works.
ocpd is not being perfect.
ocpd is NEEDING to be perfect because even the tiniest mistake means you are the scum of the earth and deserve to die.
ocpd is not double checking your work to make sure you got everyting right because you want a good score.
ocpd is perfecting the wording of a single sentence because if it doesnt imply the exact thought you are trying to get across then it means you have failed and even if it is still technically right and no points are taken off, inside you know that it was wrong and it COULD have been better and your personal standards are ten times higher than the official standards because you know that the goals you need to reach to be successful are leaps and bounds above what the average person needs, not because you are better than them but because you must strive to become better than them at all cost because second best is still a loser.
ocpd is not orangizing your work station before starting a new project.
ocpd is crying and screaming while you trash 42 different versions of the same attempted project and shoving everything off your desk and wanting to pull out your hair or bang your head on a wall because you messed it up so many times already and if you dont get it right this time you will never get it and you will be marked as a failure for the rest of your life, unable to accomplish literally anything and youre so terrified of that thought you take six hours to scrub at your desk and mop the floor and take a razor to that bit of wax thats been stuck on the leg of your chair for a week and half and meticulously organize everything into boxes, counting every ration you put in to make sure they all even out, and listing everything thats there and labeling the boxes then straight up leaving the work area and not thinking about the project for another month.
ocpd is not having a folder of all your important documents because you know you will need them some time.
ocpd is having six folders, each containing vastly different documents, some of which are important, some of which are just old receipts to mcdonalds, some are keepsakes from friends, some of which are just a scap of paper with scribbles that you dont remember what they mean but maybe one day you will, and the rest are just any paper youve ever come across in your life. theyre all just as important as everything else though because the thought of prioritising them is nearly incomprehensible because they are all important and you need them all for equally important things so when you need, like, that paper for your auto insurance you first must sift through six hundred pages of notes your friends passed back and forth in middle school over five years ago and you dont even talk to them anymore but you absolutely cannot get rid of them. its all so important.
ocpd is not being productive.
ocpd is waking up and remembering that you are an inherently flawed and imperfect being, but also that your worth in this world is defined by what you put into it, so even if you cant be perfect, if you make enough perfect stuff or do enough stuff perfectly, it will all give the illusion to others as well as yourself that you are perfect. so you push yourself to do whatever it is you do. regardless of your other illnesses, you work and and try to be as productive as you possibly can because thats your only chance. you go into work sick. you push yourself past your limits, past what you know you are physically/mentally able to do, and you suffer for breaching those limits but all that pain is WORTH it because you are temporarily overcome with a sense of accomplishement and SOMEONE is finally proud of you. you did something right FOR ONCE. so even if you go completely nonverbal, or lay in bed for the next week in pain, or end up in the ER, or seventeen other things didnt get done, there was the most brief sense of absolute euphoria even if its almost immidiately replaced by a sense of overwhelming anxiety about what you messed up, forgot, did wrong, or ignored to achieve that feeling and the cycle of fixing, fixing, fixing repeats itself.
ocpd is not being bossy, egotistical, or controlling.
ocpd is a deeply psychological understanding that even the most insignificant mistake will reflect back on you in the most exaggerated and horrendous way possible. its knowing that if you ask your friend to go get you a red pen, but they bring you a blue one, and you dont know they got blue instead, so if you write even the smallest mark in that blue ink, even if its technically okay to write in red or blue, you specified red, so the fact that its blue makes it wrong and unnacceptable so in your mind its better to drop what your doing and get the correct red pen yourself even if its right beside your friend and you are already focusing on something else. the concept of asking others to do something, not even something in a manner of helping you but just to divide up jobs evenly, its absolutely impossible. because if they do something wrong, it will reflect on you, then you did something wrong and we both know that doing something wrong is completely out of the question. you would rather multitask four things at once, but the sight of someone else just twiddling their thumbs while you bust your ass is so infuriating! why cant they do what you are doing? why cant they just read your mind and know exactly what you need, when you need it, and be helpful? thats what you would do if they were in your situation! if they were working like you, you would hand them everything. you would also probably go ahead and just put that back for them. well, you could also handle that too. and before you know it, their job is your job and there they are twiddling their thumbs and looking at you for a job to do. its the phrase “if you want something done right, do it yourself” taken to a whole other level.
ocpd is so much more than what people think. were more than just a “type a personality” or “perfectionists” and its not just “mild ocd” either. ocpd is painful. please remember that.

Boyfriend Mark pt.2

for my one and only @zxtlx akksksbsjs

  • we’re such trash for mark i cant even
  • and who isnt tbh , mark lee is just wonderful
  • im about to kill myself and y'all with this post ,
  • lots of fluff coming up , dont cry im warning you
  • okay let’s start

  • like taeyong , he’d probably all you his princess/baby

  • and he treats you like one too
  • your contact name on his phone is saved as “ my jagi 💜💜💕❤ /inserts 828292 more emojis/ ”
  • and likewise , he asked you to save his as “ babe 💜💜💕❤ /emojis everywhere / ”
  • one time haechan caught him texting you ,
  • he almost puked when he saw the convo because it was too sweet and corny
  • “ princess i miss you :-( ”
  • “ babe i miss you too , how’s practice going ? ”
  • “ pretty good , but it’d be better if you were here though ”
  • /haechan starts puking at this point of time/
  • he loves you so much he set the password on his phone lockscreen to your birthday
  • and probably every other password he has too
  • he writes/sings/raps songs for you
  • and asks you for your opinions on them
  • he’s so clueless and confused all the time he often asks you stupid questions
  • “ wait why are you giving me a gift suddenly ”
  • “ it’s your birthday today … ? ”
  • “ oh really , i didn’t know ”
  • “ babe i wished you last night at 12am sharp ?? ”
  • “ you did ? im sorry i think i fell asleep during the movie ”
  • “ oh my god , mark you even replied me ”
  • “ you serious ? but thanks anyway , i love you so much ”
  • and you cant help but pinch his cheek because he’s too adorable
  • sleeptalking mark acting up
  • talking about sleeptalking he often hugs you in the middle of the night
  • and mumbles something like
  • “ i … sarang you ”
  • “ you are my jagi ”
  • “ Y/N’s so cute ”
  • and you’re just there beside him blushing and hugging him tighter because his sleeptalk is always a form as entertainment for you
  • he makes weird noises and background noises when y'all have conversations
  • be it together with the other members ,
  • or just the two of you alone
  • “ okay guys let’s meet up next week ”
  • “ alrights , im looking forward- ”
  • “ yes !!! ”
  • “ woo !!! ”
  • “ yeah … ”
  • “ mark … stop what are you doing ”
  • he’s so sweet and nice he actually got you a guitar ,
  • so he could teach you how to play it
  • and also another reason was because he wanted you to sing songs with him next time
  • he stares at you from afar when you have events/performances
  • and everytime he has that proud motherly smile on his face
  • and he’d always give you two thumbs up to cheer you on
  • one time you accidentally fell down on stage ,
  • he got right of his seat and ran forward to the stage to help you up
  • all within like 0.292993 seconds
  • he even piggybacked you down
  • and obviously the whole school saw so there were lots of cheering over mark’s actions
  • that’s how y'all became the popular couple in school
  • even the teachers are supportive of the relationship and lowkey ships the both of you
  • like how they always make the both of you to pair up to do work/projects/presentations
  • one thing he really hates though ,
  • is when you get really sad and emotional ,
  • because he feels like he isn’t doing enough to comfort you and he starts blaming himself
  • but when you tell him all you need is a hug from him ,
  • he gives you the tightest and warmest hug you ever received
  • and he also gave you a small peck on the lips after
  • he smiles a little because he’s glad he’s able to help you
  • he brings you out on food dates almost everyday
  • and instead of you , he’s always the one getting fascinated by the variety of different foods
  • he also loves sharing/complimenting you on social media
  • there would always be a long paragraph of words for his captions for every picture of you
  • and on every single one the members wuould comment and tease him
  • “ ‘jagi i love you’ why do you never say that to your hyung here ” - taeyong
  • “ lee donghyuck error 404 not found ” - haechan
  • “ mork hyung and y/n so cute !! ” - chenle
  • “ why is mark never like that to us /tags the other members/ ” - yuta “
  • on the bright side, the other members really support your relationship and are always there for the both of you
  • my mind’s blocked now so i’ll stop here im sorry
  • in conclusion , date mark lee , he’s boyfriend material af
  • also a clueless little bean
  • i hope you liked it !!
Strike Two (Part 9 of Curve Ball)

Originally posted by he-is-the-best-part-of-me

Summary: An accidental collision. Lucky shoes. Baseball lessons. As much as they might try to deny it, fate seemed to be working to bring Derek and Y/N together. But being in each other’s lives could prove to be more complicated than either one of them bargained for.

Author’s Note: FINALLY! It is here, y’all!!! I know it has been an eternity since I updated this series, but it is finally written and I couldn’t love this part more. I really hope you guys like it, please let me know! Meanwhile, enjoy ;)

As always, a HUGE thank you to my co-pilot on this series, @snipsnsnailsnwerewolftales!!! She is so amazing to work with and always such great ideas!!! I can’t even say thanks enough <3

Warnings: Language; a lot of feels

Tags: @wheresthekillswitch, @urwarriorangel, @palaiasaurus64, @melanie451, @houseofrahl, @life-what-life-i-dont-have-one, @splashofbi, @livinglife-dsa, @miaforeverblue

*******************************************************************************************

“Y/N? Are you even listening to me?” Stiles’ voice broke me out of my stare and I slowly turned my head to look at him, eyes wide and lips sucked between my teeth as I grunted out a ‘hm?’ He blinked at me several times before averting his gaze to the spot I was so tethered to only moment ago.

“Sorry,” I sighed. “I’ve just been…distracted.”

“I’ll say,” he snorts, earning a glare. “What’s up with you lately?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

You sure do the devil's advocate a bunch, don't you think?

Does it seems like it? L says I do.

Because there is another side and you can’t just brush it off because it doesn’t fit your narrative.

There is a public persona and a private. They are not the same. And to forget that and to assume they are the same is ridiculous. The are thousands of actors here that are living happy out lives in their personal lives but are closeted for their public persona.

I’m sorry but we make choices in this business rather you like them or not. And compromises. You make a conscience desicion. Do you want the career that you want and do you go along with the game or do you take a risk, out yourself knowing how Hollywood and casting is, and run the risk of not getting the work you want after.

I think you all confused what a choice and force is.

The force part is that in this business you feel that you have to conform and do what is asked so you get the roles and projects you want. That is forcing an issue. But you choose how you respond to it. You have the choice to play along and conform or say fuck it and do what you want, or you find a happy middle ground that everyone can live with. (Bearding is that middle for most. It allows them to be who they are in their private life while giving the studio the public persona they want). Force is that studios are still allowed to type cast people by race, color, religion and sexual orientation. Force is that the studios give you basically a handful of options and aren’t willing to budge. That is what is forced on people.


Choice is how you decide to respond to ultimatums.
As an adult you make choices everyday that you might like and some that you hate and guess what sometimes you have a compromise for some inbetween land.

As A will tell you, it is a choice to stay in the closet, to beard or not. Oh you can decide no. But that no has consequences and you have to decide if you are ready for them. You risk losing roles, less publicity. Stereotyping. Type casting.

Case in point as many know X recently just went through this. He was scheduled to do an Interview and make his annoucement. this had been planned for weeks (hell months). Do you know the mental preparation that went into this? literally four days before he gets called in for a sit down and basically told no. He was told very clearly that it was in his best interest not to do this. They have a part for him and they dont want to deal with this type of annoucement. So if he wants the part than he has to stay publicly in the closet. (He lives an out personal life and you all need to understand the difference).

Force is studio saying if you want this part, we want you to keep publicly playing straight.

Choice is how he responded to it. He decided to stay in for the role, and promptly shelled out more than my car and broke the contract with the team that he felt didnt stand up for him. That was his choice. No one could make it for him. he could have chosen to say no I’m coming out. And boy part of me wishes he had. But that isn’t my choice. Its his.

And fuck you if you think it was easy. you werent one of the ones on drug watch and suicide watch as he struggled with what he was going to do. We were. We literally reorganized our lives to insure that someone was with him at all times until he was able to reconcile himself with his choice. part of it was the mental readiness that he had spent days and weeks and months getting ready for publicly coming out.

Am I angry. fuck yeah. Am I mad that he is in this spot? Yes. do I think it is highly unfair? Fuck yeah.

But how is this any different than any other job.

I dont know if the fact that gay marriage is now legal and because there are more and more gay characters on tv, that you all are suffering from a kumbuya (its to early to even figure out how to spell that) moment or what.

But just because all this positive has happened doesn’t mean stereotyping, prejudice, and discrimination just up and fucking disappeared.
(If it had then I would not have had to sit up all night after someone I love tried to shove a bottle of pills down his throat. And yeah that was a choice too).

Lets look at teaching. I know several gay teachers. Do you think they all just come out to the schools they teach in? No because teachers are still getting fired in schools for being gay. Male teachers fucking molesting and sleeping with teenage girls all the time. Women sleeping with teenage boys, but parents freak the fuck out over a member of the lgtbq teaching their child.

So you seriously not see how fucked up the thinking in this country is.

Studios will promote the likes of rkelly but heaven forbid you be a man and want to bring your bf to the red carpet.

I dont know if folks pay attention to the news but the department of justice just said that discrimination laws and equality laws do not project lgtbq+ in the workplace.

So it might be fucking 2017 but it sure as hell isn’t easier or safer to be yourself.

How
Fucked
Up
Is
That???

anonymous asked:

what would the RFA + V and Saeran do if the Male!MC dealt with hypnagogic hallucinations + hallucinations caused by autophobia, and he was always wanting to be around his partner and just overall never wanting to be alone or sleep alone in fear of the hallucinations/other effects ?? im so sorry if this is too sensitive or anything; it's just that i have these types of hallucinations and im curious as to how everyone would help/react to them hng;;;'

a/n: okay so i was unaware that this condition existed, which is scary since you and many others deal with it, so I want to say how strong and brave you are Anon! Please message me if you feel comfortable :)

So by what I’ve looked up, which isn’t the same as experiencing it so I’m sorry if some of the info is wrong, Hypnagogic Hallucinations are hallucinations that occur from the transition of wakefulness to sleep, they are often vivid, bizarre, and sometimes disturbing.

They are visual, tactile, auditory or other sensory organs, usually brief but occasionally prolonged, can happen day or night, usually consists of simple forms such as colored circles or parts of objects that may be constant or changing in size.

Unfortunately that’s really all I could find, I hope all the info is right, and I write what you meant. If its wrong pls ask for another request, and I’ll fix it.

-

Jumin:

  • since Jumin loves being around you, he doesn’t really mind that you felt the same
  • he’d be thrilled actually
  • but he didn’t exactly know why you constantly wanted to be at his side, being frightened to be alone and the effects that come with it
  • you knew you should tell him but you couldn’t stand to see what he would think of you
  • the hallucinations became bearable with Jumin, they weren’t as bad or frequent
  • so when you found out that he was going on a business trip for a week, you were terrified
  • all you wanted to do was beg him to stay with you, but you didn’t want to seem needy or get in the way
  • he didn’t notice something was off with you until you started mumbling and whimpering in your sleep
  • at first he asked you if you had a nightmare, which slightly offended you
    you wish it was as simple as a nightmare, but what you were dealing with was far worse
  • you tried to push it off after seeing the worried expression on his face, you hated making him feel like this
  • “It’s not something I can just tell someone”
  • “I am not just someone MC! I am your boyfriend”
  • honestly you just start crying right there
  • he sighs at his harsh tone and pulls you into a hug immediately
  • “What’s going on MC? What are you hiding from me?”
  • you hate that he puts it that way, you didn’t want to hide it, you just couldn’t tell him
  • once you finally spill about EVERYTHING, your hypnagogic hallucinations, your hallucinations caused by autophobia, and everything in between, he cant believe how strong you are
  • he instantly begins praising you, asking you how you’ve managed to deal with them so far
  • “It’s all because of you Jumin..”
  • that’s literally all he has to hear
  • he changes his schedule COMPLETELY to make sure you guys are together 24/7
  • oh business trips? if you cant come, neither does he
  • he makes sure everyday that you know you aren’t a burden
  • if he’s the first to wake up in the morning, he will wake you up as well, he’s afraid that might scare you or make the hallucinations worse
  • if you want to get medicine or treatment or therapy or whatever, he will be there to support you fully
  • this hoe literally starts working from home just to be with you more
  • “Assistant Kang, I will not becoming into work from now on”
  • spoils the crap out of you
  • if for some reason he does have to leave your side, he is texting you, giving you a play by play of what he’s doing and asks you to do the same
  • literally Jumin does everything he can to help you cope

Yoosung:

  • he looooooves that you want to be around him just as much as he does
  • he cant really tell that you always wanting to be around him is odd (which it isn’t) since he hasn’t had many relationships before
  • since he is a college student and that’s really the only time you guys would be apart, it isn’t that big of a deal for either of you
  • you don’t want to mention it to him, with his college test and all, you’d feel like you were just causing him more stress
  • but he could tell how nervous you’d act anytime he’d leave for school
    or how it seemed like you were scared to be alone
  • he also was scared to bring it up to you, what if it was a touchy subject? what if you didn’t want to talk about it?
  • he didn’t want to step over your boundaries even though he was your boyfriend
  • he noticed one morning you were more nervous than usually, constantly bouncing your leg or another habit
  • “MC? Are you feeling okay today?”
  • his voice would be small and unsure
  • once again, you’d feel bad for causing worry
  • you’d make an excuse like forgetting to put bills in the mail or something
  • “The mail hasn’t ran yet”
  • he’d honestly think you were contemplating on dumping him or something by how secretive you were being
  • “A-are you tired of me?”
  • STOP MAKING ME CRY YOOSUNG
  • you feel bad for making him think such things and you tell him everything and everything in between
  • at first he doesn’t really understand what you are dealing with until you tell him some of the hallucinations you’ve had
  • he pulls you into his arms and you hear him quietly sniffling
  • yes…he’s crying
  • “I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this alone MC”
  • you explain to him that they would be far worse without him
  • after he finds out, he’s immediately looking for things to help you more
  • he even buys a dog that will lay with you while he’s gone at school
  • and you bet your ass he calls you in between classes and lunch
  • he constantly tells you you’re the strongest man he’s met
  • cuddles you twice as longer
  • you literally have to make him get out of bed
  • “buuuuuut MCCCCC”
  • 100000x more protective
  • freaks out if he loses eyesight of you in public places
  • always has his hand on you in some way
  • would go to therapy with you if you wanted
  • literally gave you his moms number in case he wasn’t picking up

Zen:

  • with all of his interviews, movies, and plays, you felt like your problems would be too much for him to handle
  • you were constantly thinking about his fans and reputation
  • the fans supported your relationship, but you just felt like no one would be able to understand this, not even Zen
  • after all, you didnt think you would ever have to tell him since he has helped you keep in under control
  • but then he became busier at work and requested he came in more for filming and such
  • you could feel yourself become more anxious anytime he left for long
  • even though it was a home you two shared, it still didn’t feel right without Zen
  • anytime you would slowly drift off, the hallucinations became stronger, and this time you feel a hand on your back
  • you jump and open your eyes to see Zen’s worried expression sitting on the couch next to you
  • you felt warm tears on your cheeks and immediately go to wipe them as Zen does it for you
  • “What’s wrong MC? What happened? Did you see something?”
  • his voice is quick and full of panic, he looks like he had a long day at work and you feel extremly bad
  • “nothing. Im sorry, lets go to bed Zen”
    even though he gets an uneasy feeling, he still picks you up and carries you to the bed
  • “My prince MC, my prince MC”, he’d sing as he carried you
  • he’d lay you down first before laying next to you
  • you couldnt stand not being closer so you’d crawl to lay on his chest
  • which he doesnt mind bc CHEST SNUGGLES ARE THE BEST
  • after he tells you goodnight, you just lay there staring at the wall
  • you dont want to take the chance of him finding out, especially with his big movie projects coming up
  • he looked so worried today and you thought Zen should never have to feel that way
  • time goes by and little snores are coming out of Zen’s mouth
  • its so cute and you smile a little, that smile is quickly dismissed once you realize how tired you are
  • maybe you will sleep better since Zen is here?
  • “MC?”
  • “yes?”
  • “why are you still up?”
  • “i cant sleep”
  • “are you scared?”
  • his words shock you as quiet sobs escape your lips, he always knew what was wrong with you
  • Zen feels your body shake in his arms as he quickly moves to face you
  • he rocks you back and forth as he rubs your back
  • “whats scaring you MC? is it because I’m working more? I cant help if you dont tell me”
  • “i am even more scared to tell you..”
  • “nothing you will tell me can make me feel any different about you”
  • you decided its time your boyfriend knows the truth so you begin explaining what has been happening
  • his face is full of shock and you even feel like he might be scared of you
  • you look away as his hand holds your chin
  • “show me that handsome face”
  • you reluctantley look at him as he smiles at you
  • “we will get through this together, okay? everything I do from now on is going to be for you, MC”
  • although his schedule never gets any less busier, he will bring you along to whatever he has going on
  • he even brought you to an interview
  • like Jumin and Yoosung, he will go to therapy or help you get any medication if you are willing
  • he will call you in between breaks and any other spare time on set
  • when he’s home, he spends even MORE time with you before
  • he even tries to take showers with you now
  • he makes sure that any of his fans or others don’t ridicule you
  • which he doesnt have to worry about since you even have a spot in his fan club???

Jaehee:

  • since she isnt very used to relationships, she finds it refreshing that she finally has someone who wants to be with her 24/7
  • Jaehee has noticed something unusual about your sleeping habits before but she never had the confidence to ask you
  • but it hasnt been very easy for you either
  • Jaehee is almost always gone since she is Jumin’s assistant
  • she’s either planning or running all across town for things
  • she talks to you on the phone as much as possible but the loneliness has been getting to you
  • that’s why it wasn’t long before Jaehee could tell
  • “are you eating enough MC?”
  • “yes, why?”
  • “you always look pale when I wake you up”
  • you couldnt have her worrying like this
  • she’s already stressed enough as it is
  • when she calls you to tell you “Mr.Han wants me to pick up Elizabeth the third, go ahead and go to sleep” you begin to panic
  • what if they are worse tonight? what if they are longer than usual?
  • you decide you wont sleep until she gets home
  • she finally comes in with Elizabeth around one in the morning
  • she is surprised to see you awake on the couch
  • “MC? what are you still doing up?”
  • she adds a small chuckle but you can tell she’s worried
  • “i just wasn’t able to sleep”
  • she cant handle it anymore and she plops down next to you before pulling you into a hug
  • “how come you never can sleep, MC? talk to me please”
  • her voice is very concerned and you sigh
  • “its fine now, lets just go to bed”
  • “MC, please. i want to help you”
  • her eyes look like she could cry and you feel like you’ve made her more stressed
  • you begin to tell her what’s been upsetting you and your sleeping habits and about your autophobia
  • “MC…i had no idea. I am so sorry MC”
  • she apologizes at least five times before you stopped her
  • “Jaehee, its okay. Its my fault for not telling you”
  • “But me working constantly probably made it worse”
  • after that, Jaehee calls Jumin and tells him the current situation
  • she begins working at home as much as possible and calls you more at work now
  • she researches the best therapist if you seek treatment
  • she constantly tells you how strong of a man you are incase you are feeling unsure of yourself
  • she also thanks you for making her a stronger and better person
  • you guys will share a cup of coffee in the morning before she leaves for work

Seven:

  • this man rarely gets a break and you know it
  • even being in the same house as your boyfriend, you can still feel your autophobia eating away at you
  • the what ifs and how comes will be the death of you
  • because of his job he is constantly at home, but that doesn’t put your hallucinations or fear at bay
  • on some nights, it even heightens it
  • you know how understanding Seven would be of you, but there is still something saying what if he isn’t? what would happen then?
  •  he didn’t notice anything until you complained about hearing something that wasn’t there
  • you had a feeling it was just a hallucination but the voice was so chilling, you needed confirmation
  • Seven would get out of bed and search the house before coming back to you
  • “There’s no one here MC. Are you sure you heard someone?”
  • his face is very worried as you plant your head in his chest and begin whimpering with sobs
  • even though Seven broke down his emotional walls for you, this was one emotion you didn’t want him seeing
  • you promised to make him happy and how could you do that if you weren’t yourself
  • “Do you want me to check again?”
  • he asks before placing a kiss on his forehead
  • you clutch to his t-shit as you shake your head
  • “please..just hold me Saeyoung”
  • he listens and holds you through the rest of the night, not questioning you further
  • you guys don’t discuss it until it happens a few nights later, except this time you see a shadow
  • you squeeze your eyes shut and push your body into his
  • he jumps at the sudden contact and can tell something happened again
  • “what was it this time? did you hear it again? do you want me to go check MC?”
  • you stop him before he can get up and you explain why you hear things sometimes and why you see things
  • you tell him about the crippling fear you have that one day you will be completely alone
  • and you tell him that he has been helping you cope tremendously
  • he holds your cheeks in his hands as he stares at you
  • “I will never leave you MC, never. You hear me? You will never be alone. I’ve got you and I’m never letting you go. I will protect you”
  • after that, he will hold you closer in bed and if he wakes up and you moved away in your sleep, he will pull you back
  • even though you beg him not to, he will take breaks in between his work just to cuddle you or watch movies
  • if you seek therapy, like the others, will be completely behind you
  • but he will be sure to tell you that you aren’t a mistake or weird or messed up or broken because of your hallucinations
  • if you go places without him he will be texting you 24/7 and watching you through the cameras saying stuff like, “lolol, you look so cute MC” or “that guy looked at you a little too long” or “GRAB THE CAT AND RUN MC”
  • you have never felt so supported in your life
  • since Saeran lives with you guys, he lets him in on your hallucinations, in case he hears you crying while Saeyoung is gone
  • Saeran also helps you considerably while Saeyoung is away
  • he’s like a big brother to you
  • Seven builds robots to help you with your autophobia or hallucinations if him and Saeran are both out for the night (which is unlikely)
  • he thinks you are the best thing that has ever happened to him

V:

  • you were there to help V with his eye surgery, but for some reason you felt like this was too much of a burden on him
  • he needed to be happy and you felt as if he didn’t deserve to deal with your problems, you felt he deserved better
  • V has already been through so much and you didn’t want to add to the sadness
  • since Rika was mentally ill, you knew he had an idea of how you might feel dealing with your hallucinations, but you also didn’t want to compare yourself to Rika or make him feel like you were
  • since he just got his surgery, he was constantly at home
  • Jumin actually had a maid drop off groceries all the time
  • everything was going okay until he mentioned traveling a couple weeks to get some new pictures ready
  • a couple weeks?!?
  • you couldn’t lose V, not now, not later
  • anytime he was on the phone about planning the trip, anticipation ate away at you
  • you were paralyzed by the fear of being alone for a couple weeks
  • but what if its more?
  • what if V goes and decides to stay?
  • what if he leaves for good?
  • the hallucinations were borderline unbearable
  • the slightest amount of sleep you had was attacked but shapes, voices, and touches
  • you tried to shut them out, you tried to squeeze your eyes shut but they continuously got worse
  • you laid in between your boyfriends legs as you struggled to keep your eyes open
  • “If you are that tired we can go to bed MC”
  • he laughed
  • you shook your head quickly and put your eyes back on the movie
  • V didn’t say anything but he seemed suspicious
  • a couple minutes and you were asleep
  • you felt arms wrap around your waist that weren’t your boyfriends, but a black shadow
  • you sat up quickly, looking around to see a disheveled V
  • was he asleep too?
  • “MC, what happened?”
  • he asked concerned as you shook your head and attempted to get up from the couch but V pulled you back onto him
  • “that wasn’t just nothing. you literally jumped off of the couch”
  • he smiled faintly as he moved pieces of hair from your face
  • “tell me what’s bothering you babe”
  • even in his concerned state he still remained calm and happy for you
  • “even if I told you nothing would change”
  • he was a little offended by your statement, although he wouldn’t show it, but he still smiled
  • “of course it would. I would help”
  • “I don’t think anything will help me..”
  • he’s a little thrown off by your dark mood suddenly and he sighs
  • “is it because I’m leaving on the trip MC? I wont go if you don’t want me to”
  • “if you don’t go then I will just be holding you back”
  • he literally scoffs/chuckles at your sentence
  • “don’t ever say that again, MC. okay? you will never hold me back and I hope you know that”
  • you nod slightly
  • “now tell me what is bugging you”
  • his face is truly concerned and you feel as if you owe it to him to explain
  • so you do
  • you tell him of all the nights that you have been getting better but how some nights are harder then others, you tell him how you are physically afraid to go to sleep sometimes, and the thought of him leaving you is unnerving
  • you wanted to leave the last part out but it was the truth
  • he had tears in his turquoise eyes and he pulled you tighter against his chest
  • “please don’t think I’d ever leave you, MC. you are the reason I am still alive so please, love yourself a little more for me, okay?”
  • he asked as you sniffled but nodded
  • “now. when have I ever left you?”
  • he asked again as you shrugged
  • “exactly, so why did you think that you weren’t coming with me on the trip?”
  • he raised an eyebrow as he began tickling your stomach
  • you bet your ass you went on the trip with him
  • after you guys get back he is still constantly by your side
  • he has a art show? you are there
  • he has an interview? you are there
  • he will never ever ever leave you
  • very into helping you getting therapy, if you seek, if not he makes sure you know you aren’t selfish for your choices
  • protective boyfriend mode activated
  • if you thought V wasn’t the protective type before, you do now
  • he gets anxious if anyone stares at you for too long
  • he loves the way you blush if he calls you handsome, my man, babe, etc.
  • very understanding, seriously, even if he hasn’t experienced it

Saeran:

  • I honestly don’t doubt he has had a couple of these, if not more
  • I read that the cause for these hallucinations are very unclear but I read that they can be traced back to drug abuse, when he was forced into, and mental trauma, which he was also forced into
  • I think he would be the most understanding tbh
  • he isn’t very outspoken with his emotions but he makes sure you know he loves you from the start
  • your autophobia is at an all time high with him
  • what if the people from Mint Eye try to take him back? what if he cant deal with all the stress and trauma and makes a life changing decision?
  • its little thoughts like those that keep you from ease
  • he knew something was up with you since you sometimes wake up panting, or you just shoot up, like him
  • although this isn’t something to be happy about, he feels like you can finally be someone to understand what he feels
  • it wasn’t long before he caught on
  • anytime you’d wake up suddenly, you’d turn away from him, almost pushing him away even
  • he hated it
  • he knew you probably were just scared but he hated feeling shut out, abandoned
  • especially by you, the only person he has ever romantically loved
  • one night he decided to ask you about it
  • you turned as he placed a hand on your shoulder, causing you to flinch
  • were you scared of him?
  • or scared of yourself?
  • “MC, what’s going on? that’s the third time this week”
  • he said as you tried to level your breaths
  • “just go back to bed, Saeran. I am okay”
  • he started getting angry
  • “you aren’t okay MC and I know it! why wont you just let me help you!”
  • he yelled, causing you to look at him
  • his eyes were bloodshot and he looked as if he was about to cry
  • “you are constantly pushing me away and I cant take it. I love you so much MC and I just want to be there for you”
  • he says, hovering over you as you look fearfully into his eyes
  • he has figured you out before you could figure yourself out
  • “I think we have the same thing…”
  • he explains, trying to help you open more, which it does
  • you see the desperate look on his face and you sigh
  • you tell him about the hallucinations that have haunted you ever since you could remember, you told him about your autophobia that gets worse and worse with ever scenario that you come up with, and most of all, you tell him how scared you are for him to see this side to you
  • you blush, covering your face as he grabs your hands and hold them above your face before placing a kiss on your lips
  • “I was right MC. you are just like me”
  • he faintly smiles
  • his anger from before turns into loving joy
  • he cant believe he has someone so caring, understanding, and bright as you
  • he shuts all of your scenarios up by greeting you with positive words ever morning
  • and Saeyoung is just like, “MC, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER???”
  • you chuckle
  • you are happy to see this side of Saeran and you are even more happy that it was you who made it happen
  • he becomes 10000x more affectionate
  • he sneaks in hugs from behind, neck kisses, tickles, and everything in between like everyday now
  • he has no shame
  • he just wants you to know you aren’t alone
  • makes sure no one ever makes you feel uneasy
  • asks you 100 times before going somewhere
  • if you seek therapy, he will actually go with it and receive it himself as well
  • and even throw some couples therapy in there to help you two guys heal together

-

a/n: while this condition is no laughing matter, I enjoyed writing this for you anon and I hope you really enjoy it. PS, it took me three days to write this all :’), but I hope it was everything you wanted and more.

and pls don’t give up <3

Iscariot (2/5)

Summary: The Fake AH Crew were the biggest, baddest crew in Achievement City. Thick as thieves, in the height of their success, and on the brink of a relationship - until Ray left, and they fell apart.

Now, two years later, Geoff’s brought them all back in for one last job. But when things go wrong and the police show up, they end up trapped together, unfinished business and all, with the uncomfortable realisation that two years have changed them and someone - one of them - has sold them out.

Part 1  AO3

1 HOUR TRAPPED

Gavin sits on top of one of the crates in the warehouse, some distance away from everyone else. They are all scattered about, have separated away to sulk and lick their wounds.

He pulls his knees up to his chest and shivers a bit. It’s cold in the shadows of this room but Geoff has already claimed one of the spots where sunlight is streaming through the roof, and Ryan the other. He picks at where his wet shirt is clinging to him, growing cold and clammy now, and futilely tries to wring it out a little.

“Are you okay?”

Keep reading

Title: And In The Darkness, I Found You

Series: Tokyo Ghoul

Pairing: HideKane/HideHaise

Rating: T

Summary: Perhaps the addition of a certain blond to their family isn’t so bad after all.

Warning: i dont even know anymore im so sorry OTL 

Also on AO3

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19]

[Chapter 20]

Hide rests his hands on the surface of the desk and laces his fingers together as he waits for the meeting to begin.

Keep reading