here you stupid bastard

anonymous asked:

drunk alex, I don't know when you're coming back, but will you please describe the plot of your second favorite movie? your singin' in the rain plot review was everything I never knew I needed.

OKAY so my second favorite movie is basically like if someone with too much money wanted to OUTDO DISNEY WORLD but with DINOSAURS and NO COMMON SENSE. it starts off with some sciencey stuff that DOES NOT CHECK OUT. trust me i know. i googled it just now to DOUBLE CHECK. alan grant and ellie whatsherface are dinosaur nerds. then said dude with too much money and no common sense HAMMOND shows up and is like oooh you guys should come check out my new park since you are NERDS. and because they were NERDS this peaked their interest. so they show up and meet jeff goldblum and some other dude that i dont really remember all that well. and then theyre all like WAIT A SECOND WHY ARE THERE REAL DINOSAURS HERE???! and hammond, the coy stupid bastard, is like oh you mean this old thing? 

and i know what you’re thinking. there’s no way they’re real dinosaurs. BUT YOU ALREADY FORGOT THE SCIENCEY STUFF THEY MADE UP. shock. surprise. confusion? jeff goldblum is kind of roasting the dude. meanwhile theres this fun will they wont they tension between alan and ellie going on… like ross and rachel BUT ACTUALLY INTERSTING AND THEYRE BOTH NERDS. so hammond decides to explain to the NERDS how the sciencey stuff worked and for some reason they bought it. they got to see a baby velociraptor that i named Reginald get born and ELLIE WAS LIKE LOOK AT THE BABY and grant was hella skeptical. 

then theres some more science stuff and dinosaur explanation and somehow they end up on a little tour with two rando children. i dont know where hammond went and to be honest I DONT CARE. and no one bothered to check weather channel prior to this tour which was a HUGE mistake. like MONUMENTALLY HUGE. because electric fences like the kind i have for my dog STOP WORKING AND THE DINOSAURS ARE NOW FREE. there’s a giant t-rex that i named CHOMP CHOMP that comes after the full squad, the dude whose name i keep forgetting gets chomp chomped by CHOMP CHOMP, jeff goldblum keeps making wise cracks and im like I GET IT DUDE YOURE FUNNY BUT THIS ISNT OPEN MIC NIGHT THERE ARE DINOSAURS HERE JEFF. grant saves the rando children and honestly, i feel like hammond is not a great grandfather. like you left your grandchildren alone with some stranger NERDS and JEFF GOLDBLUM and then ALL THE DINOSAURS ESCAPED like you better not be surprised when they stop coming over to your house for CHRISTMAS JOHN. 

then grant has some moments where we’re all like aww he would make a good dad. he’s real cute with the kids. teaches them fun facts about the few dinosaurs that havent tried to kill them yet. sometimes a family can be the strange nerds and jeff goldblum that run away from dinosaurs with you, YOU KNOW?

then theres some plot. the idiots WHO THOUGHT THIS PARK WOULD BE JUST LIKE DISNEY are like huh… this would have worked in THEORY. we’ve got some raptor drama, like one of the raptors that i named Felix hardcore stalked the children through the kitchen. ALSO RAPTORS ARE LIKE TOO SMART THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THEM BACK. honestly, i think this could have worked without the raptors. THOSE THINGS FIGURED OUT HOW TO OPEN A DOOR?! IN LIKE FIVE MINUTES?! THAT TOOK ME YEARS AND SOMETIMES I STILL PUSH WHEN I SHOULD PULL?!

they start to get the park back in order BUT THERE IS STILL A RAPTOR PROBLEM?? but do you KNOW who saves the damn day????? CHOMP CHOMP THE T-REX breaks in and scares the FUCK out of the raptor homies and they all had enough time to escape the creepy dinosaur island before the raptors killed them. 

oh im talking about jurassic park btw

Joanna: You vulgar scoundrel, don’t you dare speak so rudely to lord Kamui.

Niles: oh be quiet you petty little suck-up!

Joanna: Me? A suck up?!! How dare you!

Niles: Ohh I’ve seen what you’ve been doing, trying to win over the favor of the royals by doing tasks for them. You’re pathetic.

Joanna:…..hehehe…honestly how stupid must you be. Listen here you bastard, I’m saying this one time and one time only. Don’t you DARE try to harm lord Kamui, or you will regret it later on!

Niles: Yeah yeah whatever.

Joanna:I swear you should try to get to know people before spouting out idiotic nonsense. * leaves*

Niles: hehehe..she has cute expressions….for a lowly suck-up that is.

Joanna and Niles have attained C-Support!

Fun little fact! Niles and I absolutely hated each other before we fell in love, this was because of a simple misunderstanding on both sides. I’d say a few more things but I’m afraid it’s going to spoil the support conversation I’m writing.

Joe Sugg imagine || Knock Knock Part 7 ||

- Joe Sugg : Knock Knock.

- Joe Sugg : Knock Knock Part II.  

- Joe Sugg : Knock Knock Part III

- Joe Sugg : Knock Knock Part IV  

- Joe Sugg :  Knock Knock Part V.  

- Joe Sugg : Knock Knock Part VI.

- - -

“Yeah, uhm… Oli just asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.” You explained in a lower voice, seeing Joe’s face falling from excited to confused to hurt. “Why?” He whispered looking from you to Oli and back, Oli just looked awkward and kind of looked back to his computer leaving it to you. “People move on Joe… I guess, I figured you had moved on with Jamie.” You admitted honestly, biting the inside of your cheek.

“But, I left Jamie… I was coming to make things right… I mean, I love you.” His voice cracked and your heart ached a lot harder than it danced when Oli was near you. “Joe.” You felt speechless unsure of the right words to say to him. He shook his head at you slowly. 

“No. It’s fine, I get it. I lost my chance. You’d still be mine if I hadn’t cheated on you. I shouldn’t have expected you to wait around forever.” He nodded and some of his hair fell into his eyes.

 “Sorry I barged in.” He turned, “Congratulations Oli, you’ve caught yourself one of the most amazing people in the world, whose perfect in every way, treat her right.” He whispered, sniffed to keep some tears from falling.

He left the living room and his foot steps went down the short hallway and out the front door the door closing behind him.

Letting out a slow breath your fingers were in your hair looking from where Joe stood to Oli who had looked up again, he looked in thought and sombre. “Go after him.” He finally looked up. “What?” You asked.

“Joe, go after Joe.” He nodded, “but Oli?” You asked confused still, unsure.

“He loves you… And you still love him, even if you keep trying to push it down and move on… You do.” It was like he was inside of your mind. “But, Oli – us.” You gestured between the two of you and he shook his head. “It’s fine. We weren’t ready for this – we’re definitely designed to be friends. It’s okay – (Y/N) go.” He urged with a hand gesture motioning for you to go.

“Are you sure?” You felt conflicted. Your heart telling you to run after Joe, your mind telling you to stay with Oli.

“I want you to be happy, you’ll be happy with Joe. That’s all I want for you.” He stood up. “You’re not going to be as happy as you could be with me. So please, just go.” He had a sad smile but his eyes were understanding. 

“Thank you, Oli.” You whispered, standing on your tip toes, you kissed his cheek before you ran as fast as you could in your flip flops down the hallway and out your front door leaving it wide open, you almost tripped going down your flats stairs. 

Looking both directions the sidewalks of your neighbourhood was empty. “JOE!” You called running one direction up the street looking around rushed. You turned a corner and lend over catching your breath. You glanced up seeing a blue and black plaid jacket you knew very well about a kilometre ahead of you, “JOE!” You called again, feeling like your lungs were going to give in as you started running again, you ditched your flip flops that were slowing you down.

Joe had stopped walking but hadn’t turned to look at you as you caught up, “how do you move to quick?!” You exhaled and inhaled quickly, taking note you were drastically out of shape. “Why do you care?” He asked, turning to look at you finally.

“Because… Because, I love you, you stupid bastard, come here!” You almost attacked him as you jumped him and wrapped your arms around him tightly, he had caught you so you didn’t fall on your ass. “But?” He looked lost but a small smile was on his lips. “Oli?” He asked.

You shook your head, “don’t worry about it. Oh my God I’ve missed you so much. So fucking much.” You moved your hands to his face as you felt him holding you, you wrapped your legs around his waist. You lent in and kissed him deeply. 

Pulling away he looked at you. “I forgive you and you forgive me?” You asked him, nervously, your heart racing. “Forgive you for what?” He asked. “For believing I could ever love someone as much as I love you.” You whispered and he nodded. “I forgive you, but you did nothing wrong, baby.” He carefully placed you down and the concrete of the sidewalk was cold on your bare feet. “It’s my fault all of this happened.” He took your hands into his holding them close. “I love you.” He smiled, pulling you in for another kiss…

The end. :D