drunk alex, I don't know when you're coming back, but will you please describe the plot of your second favorite movie? your singin' in the rain plot review was everything I never knew I needed.
OKAY so my second favorite movie is basically like if someone with too much money wanted to OUTDO DISNEY WORLD but with DINOSAURS and NO COMMON SENSE. it starts off with some sciencey stuff that DOES NOT CHECK OUT. trust me i know. i googled it just now to DOUBLE CHECK. alan grant and ellie whatsherface are dinosaur nerds. then said dude with too much money and no common sense HAMMOND shows up and is like oooh you guys should come check out my new park since you are NERDS. and because they were NERDS this peaked their interest. so they show up and meet jeff goldblum and some other dude that i dont really remember all that well. and then theyre all like WAIT A SECOND WHY ARE THERE REAL DINOSAURS HERE???! and hammond, the coy stupid bastard, is like oh you mean this old thing?
and i know what you’re thinking. there’s no way they’re real dinosaurs. BUT YOU ALREADY FORGOT THE SCIENCEY STUFF THEY MADE UP. shock. surprise. confusion? jeff goldblum is kind of roasting the dude. meanwhile theres this fun will they wont they tension between alan and ellie going on… like ross and rachel BUT ACTUALLY INTERSTING AND THEYRE BOTH NERDS. so hammond decides to explain to the NERDS how the sciencey stuff worked and for some reason they bought it. they got to see a baby velociraptor that i named Reginald get born and ELLIE WAS LIKE LOOK AT THE BABY and grant was hella skeptical.
then theres some more science stuff and dinosaur explanation and somehow they end up on a little tour with two rando children. i dont know where hammond went and to be honest I DONT CARE. and no one bothered to check weather channel prior to this tour which was a HUGE mistake. like MONUMENTALLY HUGE. because electric fences like the kind i have for my dog STOP WORKING AND THE DINOSAURS ARE NOW FREE. there’s a giant t-rex that i named CHOMP CHOMP that comes after the full squad, the dude whose name i keep forgetting gets chomp chomped by CHOMP CHOMP, jeff goldblum keeps making wise cracks and im like I GET IT DUDE YOURE FUNNY BUT THIS ISNT OPEN MIC NIGHT THERE ARE DINOSAURS HERE JEFF. grant saves the rando children and honestly, i feel like hammond is not a great grandfather. like you left your grandchildren alone with some stranger NERDS and JEFF GOLDBLUM and then ALL THE DINOSAURS ESCAPED like you better not be surprised when they stop coming over to your house for CHRISTMAS JOHN.
then grant has some moments where we’re all like aww he would make a good dad. he’s real cute with the kids. teaches them fun facts about the few dinosaurs that havent tried to kill them yet. sometimes a family can be the strange nerds and jeff goldblum that run away from dinosaurs with you, YOU KNOW?
then theres some plot. the idiots WHO THOUGHT THIS PARK WOULD BE JUST LIKE DISNEY are like huh… this would have worked in THEORY. we’ve got some raptor drama, like one of the raptors that i named Felix hardcore stalked the children through the kitchen. ALSO RAPTORS ARE LIKE TOO SMART THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THEM BACK. honestly, i think this could have worked without the raptors. THOSE THINGS FIGURED OUT HOW TO OPEN A DOOR?! IN LIKE FIVE MINUTES?! THAT TOOK ME YEARS AND SOMETIMES I STILL PUSH WHEN I SHOULD PULL?!
they start to get the park back in order BUT THERE IS STILL A RAPTOR PROBLEM?? but do you KNOW who saves the damn day????? CHOMP CHOMP THE T-REX breaks in and scares the FUCK out of the raptor homies and they all had enough time to escape the creepy dinosaur island before the raptors killed them.
oh im talking about jurassic park btw