LISTEN UP YOU LIL MOTHERFUCKERS… YOU SEE THIS BEAUTIFUL LITTLE SHIT HERE? THAT’S THE LETTER A. THIS PIECE OF SHIT LETTER CAN BE COMBINED WITH OTHER LETTERS TO MAKE LITTLE DROPS OF HEAVEN CALLED WORDS! HOLD ON TO YOUR ASSES BECAUSE WHAT COMES NEXT MIGHT MAKE YOU SHIT YOURSELF, CAUSE A IS FOR MOTHERFUCKING APPLE, DOUCHEBAGS
I am really annoyed with the idea that Slytherins are always cool, calm and unemotional. Most of the Slytherins we see are very emotional, and make a lot of important decisions based on strong emotion, and even foil themselves
because they get too emotional. They’ll absolutely tear themselves
apart for whatever they love, whether that’s a person or power. You have to feel strongly about something to be truly
I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THE EXAMPLES. Someone insulted you/your
family/someone you care about? Forget the snide comebacks, it’s time to
SCREAM, YELL, CURSE THEM WITH BOILS. Family doesn’t approve of your
boyfriend? ELOPE, it doesn’t matter whether this turns out to be a terrible
decision. Boy Who Lived refuses to be your friend? OBSESS OVER HIM FOR
THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS. Telepathic Dark Lord is threatening your son/childhood
friend? Lie on the spot AND RISK A TORTUROUS DEATH TO DEFY HIM. Dark Lord is threatening
your house elf? DRINK POISON AND THROW YOURSELF INTO A PIT OF ZOMBIES.
Slytherin is the House of cunning, not the House of rational
Don’t read this if you are not going to have an open mind about it. [Edited]
I am honestly sick and tired of characters being misrepresented here in the Haikyuu fandom. I’m not talking about minor headcanons etc, I’m talking about how more than half of the fandom have been mischaracterizing and diluting characters personalities, twisting them into something that is no way near their original intended character. Quite personally, this is probably one of the worst things you can do.So, right here, right now. I am going to go in depth of some of the most mischaracterized characters in Haikyuu based on my personal opinion.
This is in no way to hate on any of them, I love every single person in the anime, each for their own individual attributes that make them unique, here, I am merely stating blatant facts based of the manga and anime. So if you like this sort of thing, sit back and grab some motherfucking popcorn cause this is going to be a long-fucking rant.
- Oikawa -
Listen here. Oikawa is not a whiny crybaby who cries all the fucking time, he is probably the most mischaracterized character in the entire fandom.He’s a strong guy who is dedicated to the thing he loves and ensures his teammates can play to the best of their ability. I get that all of us one way or another have an inner sadist in ourselves that makes up enjoy watching our favourite characters suffer psychologically or physically. But when people perceive, write, draw Oikawa as a boy who cries over the smallest of thing, whines, and overall is a weak little shit, it gets very annoying and frustrating. You are diluting his character seriously, tarnishing his real personality and character. And because of that half of the fandom sees him as this weak dude who breaks down and cries over the tiniest and most minuscule of things?
Look at him, does this look like the face of someone who cries all the fucking time?
Let me say, Oikawa is bloody capable of destroying someone if he wishes. His serves are fucking powerful, and even Ushijima, one of the top spikers in the Miyagi prefecture, acknowledges that. So why do people characterize him as a selfish whiny asshole. You know very well this little ball of terror cares deeply for his teammates, not a self-centred asshole who asks Iwaizumi to bang his ass all the time. Also, why to some people whore him out? He isn’t that type of guy. Although I get that in various different contexts, the situation depends. But just so you know, canon Oikawa is very well a man of pride, I admit, he does whine, but to the extent of using emotional pity to get what he wants is just so out of character.
I love Oikawa, probably as much as I love Iwa [IHajime is my favourite character in the series, if you did not know.] , that’s why it’s sad to see that he has been “re-written” by fans as this weak-ass teenager with nothing better to do than tear up all the goddamn time. Really, Oikawa is fucking strong as hell and though he may have a few insecurities, he will crush his opponents with his abilities and strengths. Not fucking whining.
Even his teammates respect him and put all their trust and faith into this beauty of a captain, they know he can do shit to annoy them, but they acknowledge his true strength and believe in him no matter how dire the situation. He is Seijou’s captain, heartthrob of many high schools, and one of the most respected Setters. So for fuck’s sake, stop diluting his character more than people have already have.
- Iwaizumi -
I wouldn’t go as far to say Iwa’s is as bad as Oikawa’s, however, since he is my favourite character, and I may have a biased opinion towards this, I would like to say some things as to how he has been in some instances misrepresented in the fandom.
Stop mischaracterizing him as this big old brute who does nothing but threaten to hit Oikawa all the time, I mean, sure, he does that, but we all know it’s out of concern. As a personal writer of fanfiction, I often use this to express his concern towards his friend, not a threat, so why are there actually people who see him as abusive? It’s clear this is his way of caring for Oikawa and ensuring he doesn’t hurt himself or overexert his knee in practice. His aggression is just his own way of saying “I care for you so don’t do anything stupid”, also, I’m not very sure why people would think Iwaizumi is the emotionally “Stronger” one between him and Oikawa. If you need a refresher, Iwa isn’t able to keep in his emotions as well as Oikawa, seeing as the very person who told Oikawa the team with the better six is stronger, questioned his self-worth and position as ace because he couldn’t help his team win. In my unpopular personal view on this, Hajime may be more emotional than people make him out to be.
Another thing that genuinely upsets me is that this baby is as strong as Ushijima but doesn’t get the recognition he deserves? Like, give him some credit, his spikes based off official statistics state that it’s a 5/5, just like Ushijima. So can we please do what we can to spread that Iwaizumi is not just the other half to Oikawa and a person by himself as well?You shouldn’t only love him because he makes up the one of the halves to your OTP, you should also love him for the very fact that this baby loves Godzilla, is a huge dork, is a great Senpai, multi-athletic, and most importantly, the ace of Aoba Jousai, a powerhouse school. Give him as much love as you give everyone else. Okay? okay.
Now, moving on to the fandom aspect, may we please have more Oikawa taking care of Iwa? Just have more fanfiction or fanart with Oikawa reassuring he is enough? We have a rather huge amount of fan-related contributions with Oikawa as the person being constantly assured that he is enough and he tried his best. But may I please see more contributions with Iwaizumi being comforted that he is enough, and that he shouldn’t question his role as ace? I don’t know man, but I think Iwa needs that, he has to learn to recognise his own strengths.
- Tsukishima -
Tsukki is not only a salty french fry who looks down on everyone besides Yamaguchi. Tsukki is one of those characters with the best character development. I agree, he can be a dick, but he doesn’t doubt his teammates capabilities. For example, he may find Hinata annoying at first, however, he acknowledges that Hinata has too surprised him with his drive and determination to rise to the top, making him want to be in some way the “moon” that supports the “sun”.
Let me be in honest here. Before I finished watching Haikyuu, all I saw in Tsukki was an unmotivated dick, but after learning how the person he looked up to, in this in case Akiteru, lied to him and made his idea of “working hard to get you anywhere” fall apart, I realised that after knowing this, his character and personality made so much more sense. This boy went from someone who only saw “Volleyball” as a club activity to something he could actually put effort into. That’s right, he tries. This boy does tries. Shocking I know.
- Yachi -
Yachi is not just a girl who gets in the way of your ships. She is so much more than that. She, despite having a very obvious fear of confronting people she is not comfortable with still tries her very best to do what she can for the Karasuno boys. Don’t forget, this little sweetheart is the girl who helped come up with the poster for the team. She put in a lot of effort into that, so I think it would be nice to give her credit where it’s due even if you might not like her.
I personally feel that Yachi has undergone a lot of character development, she went from this fearful girl to someone worthy of being the next manager of Karasuno. She does her best to pick up what she can from Kiyoko so she can be as good of a manager in the future, if not better. So please stop hating on this cinnamon roll just because she might get in the way of you ships. She has done nothing wrong and I don’t feel she deserves hate in anyway, unless you can validify your point and give me good evidence as to why she is to be hated, this treatment towards her is completely unnecessary.
- Kiyoko -
Kiyoko is the classic case of fans over-sexualising her in fanart or in fan-related contributions. This beautiful lady is not just a woman with a big bust and no brains. Mind you, Kiyoko was an ex-athlete. She could whoop your puny ass in running if you try and I highly doubt you’d win. She was the great heroine who brought Hinata’s bag on her two feet excuse yourself. So please don’t paint her as this lady who all guys fawn over just because she is pretty, she has a personality and life too. See past that superficial layer and grow up.
Look at her, look how sweet she is.It is clear she is a little shy at times, yet she, like Yachi, do their best to express their support towards the boys. I think girls in Sports anime tend to receive more hate than usual, mainly with the idea they are a hindrance to your gay OTPs, hey you, what makes you think that?Can’t a girl be a nice to guy platonically? Even if they in fact to get together with someone who is partially but of you OTP, just congratulate them and move on for fuck’s sake. Stop sparking up unnecessary drama when you lack maturity to comprehend that they can do whatever the hell they want. If you are genuinely upset, just write fanfiction to feed your guilty pleasures, no need to hate on anybody.
Look at what a good senpai she is.
- Yamaguchi -
Okay, listen here you little shits. If you hate on this little precious smol cinnamon roll I will rip your throat out and shove it up your ass. Do not tell me that Yamaguchi is just this weak little boy who doesn’t deserve to be on the Karasuno team. Do not tell me that this boy doesn’t try to do his best just so he can play alongside his friends, because more than anyone among the first years, Yama tries the hardest. He finds someone who can teach him a jump float serve so he can prove to be a valuable player and not just a good ol’ bench-warmer. And you can see even if he might not be perfect, this little bean tries so fucking hard to have something he can contribute to the team’s success.
I don’t care if you don’t ship Tsukkiyama or not, honestly, I don’t give two shits about what you ship.But if you hate on him just because you ship some other ship, you are fucked up. What on earth did he do?He’s the best friend of Tsukishima, yes, I perosnally ship them both romantically and just as friends because I do have multiple ships alongside rare-pairs, but why hate on him? Boy, why hate on anybody? Can’t everyone accept that all characters have their on individual strengths, weaknesses, character, personalities? Seeing your NOTPs isn’t a valid excuse to create hateblogs or hateposts against other characters, that is just childish and immature.
- Sugawara -
Suga is not some weak-ass bitch who depends on Daichi for everything JesusFuckADuck.Stop drawing him as this overly-feminine character when his build is not that far off from Daichi’s. Note, I am not saying being feminine is bad, it’s good, definitely, however going as far as to make Sugawara a guy with almost no trace of masculinity left is a little odd. If that’s what you want, go ahead. Just stop portraying him as someone who can’t even defend hiself lmao, Suga will and can whoop anyone’s ass, do you not remember how painful his jabs can be? Even Daichi and Asahi fear him.
Look at him. He can be intimidating, an angel and a devil. He’s Karasuno’s mom alright, but he is a strong independent mother who will and can be strict if he wants to. He was Karasuno’s setter before Kageyama if you don’t remember, he is intelligent, smart and selfless enough to be willing to sacrifice his opportunity to play on the court, because he knows Kageyama taking his place was the best shot to give the team a chance at winning. Yeah well sorry if you’re butthurt if I said that, I just had to remind you guys, seems like some people forgot.
- Kuroo -
[ Contributed by @mayphenix and edited by me. Check them out. ]
Kuroo isn’t a sex god, he’s a dork who likes having fun, teasing his kouhais but knows when he goes over the top and apologizes [Like he does to Sawamura when he thinks he’s hurt Tsukki]. He loves science and is overall a huge little science nerd, currently attending college prep class as one of the top student’s in Nekoma. He’s very well capable of recognizing his opponents’ abilities and strengths, coming up with more than decent strategies to overcome them and pulverising them.
Yes, he is sexy but that’s not a reason to only see him as that. What about his passion and love for volleyball? It’s the guy who learned volleyball by watching on people play it on televsion [Which is pretty close to Volleyball genius Kageyama learning by watching Oikawa] and he’s fucking brilliant at volleyball but he doesn’t let it go over his head. He’s modest and he’s helpful towards his own school kouhais, but also players on other teams, just because he’s just that nice. He just wants to play volleyball and help his coach’s dream to be fulfilled; the Battle of the Trash Dump, live on the national stage. He is such a good person but he’s viewed as this mischievous, mocking and sometimes cunning guy when really he’s got his heart on his sleeve and helps out whenever he can.
- Bokuto -
[ Also contributed by @mayphenix and edited by me. Check them out. ]
Bokuto isn’t a fool who is self-centered and moody. Yes he acts like a dork, yes he is moody occasionally. But what matters most is that he has the capacity to pick himself and act like a proper Captain and Ace. [Not that we’ve seen it happen yet, they stated it may be a biased opinion since Bokuto is their favourite character. But I completley agree with them, Please note all this was in their perspective and I am merely adding it onto this master post.] Theydoubt Fukurodani chose him as Captain simply because he’s the most powerful player and has Akaashi to keep him in check.
In the manga and anime, they say that the rest of the team pulls him forward, and Akaashi says that a strong opponent doesn’t phase him, I believe we’ll see him being the one pulling Fukurodani forward when they need him the most. He takes a lot of pride in being the Ace of a powerhouse school and among the top 5 spikers in the Miyagi prefecture, but like Kuroo, he doesn’t let it get into his head. He also helps out younger players who aren’t even on his team, showing how much of a good senpai he can be. He’s pretty quick to figure out someone’s behaviour or character, since he figures out Tsukki’s personality very quickly. And in the last few chapters we’ve seen him analyze tactics and plays. One does not simply become among the top 5 spikers just because they’ve got big arms and power: They need to be clever enough to think of patterns and attacks and act accordingly to the given situation. He’s not only an owl-obssessed idiot. He’s not a burden and he leads his team proudly. He’s not just moody, he’s just free to be who he wants to be thanks to the trust his teammates have in him.
- Ushijima -
Okay, I want this post to be honest and true, so let’s make it clear. I did not like Ushijima at all in the beginning, not one bit. Which was immaturity on my part because I didn’t see his full story, I saw him as this pushy emotionless guy who had issues with Oikawa not going to Shiratorizawa. But boy, was I wrong. Ushijima is a giant softie at heart who just has trouble expressing his emotions normally, when he does do it, it may not come out the way he had intended it to be. And as a person who has trouble controlling their emotions, I relate to him a lot. Let’s not forget that Ushijima was a single child who was shunned by some people in his family for being left-handed, one of his relatives even suggested trying to correct it though we all know that is not the way to go.
The following is extracted from the Haikyuu wiki. “Ushijima doesn’t speak often, but when he does he bluntly says what’s on his mind and usually comes off as tactless. He will apologize if he realizes that he has insulted someone, but he won’t change his viewpoint.” This boy is not some prick who doesn’t apologise alright? He is not a cold-ass villian with no tact, he is just not very emotionally connected our capable. As @manga-trashcan-pen has pointed out, Ushijima was an isolated child. Meaning he did not experience much social interaction which should have helped build his character and social sensitivity. He is a human with just as much emotions as anybody, for god’s sake this big bean’s favourite food is rice.
He is a captain who has faith in his team’s ability, he believes that only the strongest could have got onto his team and thus he makes sure to bring out the best in everyone.
- Tendou -
Tendo is a very sad character I would say. Not only was he bullied and ostracized in school, he was not liked by some of his peers even in the later part of his life, even though he is a very respectable and skilled middle blocker. Not only does he have the talent and skill to deduce an opponents moves, he has the physical capacity to actually do what is necessary to prevent it. It makes me a little sad that there are people who actually hate him, cause I absolutely love him and think he deserves so much more recognition.
Let’s back up a little and delve into his past. We know that this little red floof was bullied for looking like a “monster”, but when he moved on to highschool however, we can see so much more of his character as it’s obvious he feels more accepted in the academy. And though he may be at times a little annoying, he is still a little sinnamon roll, just like how he knew not to push on with Ushijima when the latter spoke about his family. This boy does have tact and knows when it’s enough to stop probing. He is not a over-enthusiastic dick who annoys everyone he sees alright? This boy who had no friends went on to befriend one of the most notable spikers in the prefecture. Even going as far as to call Ushijima his best friend.
Never forget what he said when they lost the match against Karasuno. He lost one of the only things that made him feel accepted and if that doesn’t break your heart then go get one.
Since I realised I left out some other really major characters, I have added on. And mostly because you guys like me venting??
This was with the help of other Tumblr users who have helped contributed to this post, I merely did a sum up. Credits and thanks to the following users for adding their share and pointing out other very mischaracterized characters, @mayphenix , @gayerthanchanel , @dragonarmada , @manga-trashcan-pen , and KingofhellLordofTime from my instagram.
In the edit, I covered other characters I have failed to mention earlier or who were not brought to my intention
Well, That’s it. That’s the end of this rant. Have a nice day.
so maleficent is the good fairy here, right, and the three
fairies are the bad ones, so like fae do they each appear to be what they’re
not. and aurora, given fae gifts and raised by fae, is nearly fae herself.
maleficent knows that only an elf could hope to sway a fae heart, because elves
are impervious to their glamour. maleficent kidnaps the young prince philip,
and brings him to the elven realm. she tries to bargain a prince for a prince,
but the king is unswayed. a human prince, he declared, is only worth an elvish
servant, so that’s what she gets.
maleficent takes the servant and puts him in philip’s place,
gives him that name, and watches as the servant elf is made a prince among
mortals, watches as he eventually captures aurora’s heart, and saves her from
her living death. watches as the elf servant turned prince becomes a king, as
the almost-fae princess aurora becomes queen, and their two kingdoms become one
and they rule the land of men together.
this, of course, begs the question – what happens to our
dear human philip?
he is not the first child that has been bargained away to
the elves, and elf queen thalia settles the young boy on her hip and raises an
eyebrow at her husband, waiting. the child awakens by degrees, until he’s
clutching her neck and blinking at the gathered elves. thalia is only grateful
that he hasn’t started screaming, like so many of his kind do.
normally the children that are bargained to them are put to
work in the castle, where they’re safe, where their clumsiness and their
ignorance and their mistakes will be glossed over, where she and the king will
ensure they will be politely ignored rather than harassed. they’ve lost a
servant boy, and so she’s sure a servant boy is what this young human is meant
except a woman of the court steps forward, and she’s old,
old enough that it shows, that her curly hair has gone silver and wrinkles are
etched deep in her face. lady ember is older than the forests they reside in,
is older than her grandmother, than her great grandmother. everyone’s lost track
of her exact age, but she’s the oldest elf in village. thalia likes her – she and
lady ember have skin of the same dark shade. thalia hopes that if she is to
live long enough, she and lady ember would look alike.
“i would like the child,” she says, eyes like amber, and for
the moment she appears younger than she ever has. there’s something eager in
her, and it brings a life to her that thalia hasn’t seen in a long time.
thalia looks to her husband, and king celedor gives a
minuscule twitch to his lip which is an equivalent to a shrug. she sets the
young human on the ground, and ember holds out a single hand. the child looks
behind him, then in front him, and takes cautious steps forward. he steps until
he can take her hand, his own looking small and pale in hers. “it’s been a long
time since i was able raise a child,” ember says, “i would like to do so again.
will you come home with me?”
and thalia understands. elf children take many hundreds of
year to mature, and ember would not risk dying on a child before it could take
care of itself. but humans are candles that burn at both ends – hot, and fast.
within a decade or two the child in front of them will be able to survive on
his own, will not need lady ember to coddle him for centuries.
he nods, and finally opens his mouth to say, “i am philip.”
“hello philip,” lady ember smiles, “i am lady ember of the mother
tree. now you are lord philip of the ember tree.”
they are elves. they don’t do something as gauche as gasp,
but the sentiment comes out just the same. celedor’s mouth drops open a millimeter
and thalia’s right index finger twitches. raise a human child like a beloved
pet they could all understand – but to adopt one, to truly adopt one that she’d
just met and didn’t know and bequeath to him the estate and title the noble name
of the mother tree?
lady ember leads her new son away, and the gathered elves
can do nothing but stare.
prince elion – eli, to everyone who doesn’t want the prince
of the elves nursing a personal grudge against them – comes home in the dead of
night, when he can slip past the guards and the fawning people on the street
and sneak into the royal quarters.
“mother,” he greets as he enters the library. his father
sleeps early, but his mother doesn’t go to bed until nearly dawn. he kneels by
her side, and she runs a hand through his hair, tugging the leather tie off
when it gets in her way. his mass of dark curly hair tumbles around his head,
and as he shakes it out leaves other debris fall out. thalia sighs, but doesn’t
remark on it.
“your hunt went well?” she asks, although she knows the
answer. eli is one of the best hunters in the kingdom, and his hunting parties –
comprised of the strongest and best among the noble families – are notoriously
he grins, teeth extra white against his skin, “of course,
mother. did anything interesting happen while i was away?”
“the faerie maleficent came and bargained away a human
prince,” she says, “she wanted you in return. your father gave her a servant
eli laughs, too loud and boisterous, in a way he would never
allow himself to laugh around his father or his subjects.
philip thinks perhaps he should be screaming, or crying, or
causing some sort of fuss about this new life and this old woman who insists
she’s his mother now. but he’s never had a mother before, and this new place is
beautiful. they live in palace carved out of an enormous tree – the mother tree
that their name comes from – and philip is given a lot more freedom as an elf
lordling than he was as a prince.
he hopes the boy who took his place is nice to his father,
and doesn’t mind long evenings with only the servants for company. being a
prince can be very lonely. he knows from experience.
ember gives him rooms and toys, but warns him that he has a
lot of work ahead of him. as a human, he’s at a severe disadvantage here at the
elf court. elves are faster than humans, stronger and smarter and wiser. “it
sounds to me,” philip says, “that maybe they’re just older. if i had hundreds
of years, I could be all those things too.”
ember’s eyes crinkle at the corners when she smiles, and he returns it.
philip knows hard work. he was set to rule a whole nation,
was set to lead whole armies. he knows training and learning and patience.
learning to become an elf lord seems like it will be a lot easier than being a
lady ember and her servants are harsh, but fair. in their
home, in the mother tree, he is a pampered lord. out of it, however – he acquires
many scars from training, from falling and failing. ember and her staff run him
ragged into the ground, because he must be able to keep up with elves.
they have hundreds and hundreds of years to practice, to
become strong and smart and fast. philip doesn’t have that long, so his mother
forces him to do more, train harder, learn faster than would be expected of any
so he learns. the first time he beats his trainer at an
archery competition, he feels a swell of pride like nothing he’s felt before.
as he inches his way to the level of his teachers, and then surpasses them, the
they’ve always been kind to him. but as his skill grows,
they come to respect him, and that’s far more valuable.
eli hears of the human that lady ember of the mother tree
took as her own – of course he does, it’s all anyone can talk about. but he
doesn’t actually get a chance to see the boy, because lady ember keeps him safe
on her lands, in her tree that none of them dare trespass on. so he assumes,
like many, that she keeps him coddled and safe, away from those who would seek
him harm, away from a world that would seek him harm.
then, two decades from when she gave young philip her name,
lady ember finds him at court. she tilts her head, and he bows. he may be
higher in rank, but he was raised to respect his elders, and lady ember is
certainly that. “prince eli,” she says, “your next hunt is coming up, isn’t it?”
“yes, my lady,” he answers, wondering if she has a request.
he doesn’t mind tracking down a certain type of meat or pelt for her – he likes
the challenge, and likes lady ember.
she smiles at him, and for some reason he feels as if he’s staring
into the jaws of a dragon. “excellent. might my son join you? he grows bored of
hunting on his own.”
the last thing in the world eli wants to do is keep an eye
on a bumbling, spoiled human. but this human is also the lord of the mother
tree, and he can think of no response that wouldn’t bring his mother’s wrath
down on his head. “of course, lady ember.”
“Shit, they spotted us. Quick, put your Obama mask on.”
“You raided my village, killed my parents and slaughtered tens of innocent people. I was able to forgive you for all of that-tell myself it was in your nature. But then you did something heinous. Something beyond all possible hope of redemption. You killed my dog.”
“What do you mean you accidentally assassinated the Pope!?”
“I would love to give a fuck about you but sadly my last one went off to war and never returned”
“If you think I’ll stop my quest for world domination for a bag of cookies, you are,,, right… Now, gimme that!”
“What are you doing with that rubber duckie toy– OH DEAR GOD LORD HAVE MERCY”
“I’m more afraid of myself than you.”
“I already told you, there’s nothing we can do about the fights. We COULD if you stopped spoiling shows and books to everyone.”
“You, my friend, are the most unnecessary when it comes to your excessively sassy attitude.”
“I love you.” “…..What? OH APRIL FOOLS.”
“What is this, a concert for ants???”
“I made it! I’m in the list! This is being a great day since I remembered it’s a Thursday, not a Monday!”
“It’s not that I don’t believe you. It’s just that, well, I’ve got a sink full of dishes and a cat to wash.”
“When you said i had pretty eyes i thought you were complimenting me,not trying to buy them!”
“The wolves eat tonight.”
“Gee, thanks for nearly killing me because of ____!” “Listen up here, are you dead? You’d better be greateful you’re still alive tou little shit.”
"When you said you could fly, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
“Sarah, I love you and all but hOW ON EARTH DO YOU KEEP SENDING OUR PETS TO SPACE?!”
“Look, just because you kidnapped me doesn’t mean I’m going to marry you.”
“How in God’s name did you even get up there?!”
“I think I misplaced my right hand”
“I did it! I got into university!” “That’s great! What course?” “Uh… Would it be a bad thing if I told you that… Dark magic and villainy?”
“Well, it just so happens that I have been a homeless man for three years now. That must mean I’m the chosen one!”
“Have your eyes always been that colour?”
“I’m going to fight the sun!”
“You can’t just run around punching people you don’t like, ____!”
“I’m not into that kinda thing.”
“Dude why did you eat all that cake on your own?”
“I just wanted to know if we could use a plastic knife”
“Uhhhh, guys? Don’t hate me, but I think I just released Satan”
“Well, fine… Just wait a little bit before you do something stupid.” “…”
“What do you mean there’s no bacon flavored ice cream!?”
“What do you mean you’re my sister? I don’t have a sister!”
“Why the hell do we need a duck to hunt Bigfoot?”
“Oh, so you can do pink explosions too”
“This isn’t my kitchen, is it?”
“Ohhh, so THAT’S what you meant by ‘shooting starts’.”
“ACHOO” “bless you” “Thank you, wait a minute I live alone”
“Put my creepy cat in a different room? Don’t be silly! I don’t even have a cat!”
“Katie, please stop shooting me with tranquilizer darts.”
“Why did you think it was a good idea to only bring a potato to this heist?”
“Okay, we make this promise now - nobody look at that fucking goat ever again.”
“Sarah, why is the cat naked?”
“Wait. You’re aroused?”
“Why would that surprise you?”
“It does on account of you being covered in blood. Wipe that smile off your face. You look like a cat in heat.”
“okay so let me get this straight, you’re not actually my long lost twin…” “yes.” “…because you’re me from another dimension” “…yes.”
“I’m sorry, but did that thing just talk?”
“I thought we promised to never speak of that incident again!”
"Sweetheart”“Yes dear”“Some of your morally challenged friends are trying to kidnap me again.”“And?”“And!?”“You’re a big girl, you can take care of yourself.”“Of course I can, but the gesture would have been nice!”
“how many epilepsy pills can you take before you overdose?” “Just one or two.” “I’m gonna have to call you back.”
“…I was GOING to ask why there’s a pink goo all over the kitchen floor but I think that can wait whilst I ask what the FUCK IS GOING ON?”
“For the last time, can you stop calling that thing 'human’”
“Okay, that is a seriously dodgy looking hat-are you certain you’re right about this?”
“Really Darling, you can stop trying to scream, we’ve already espablished that no one cares and it’s giving you unflattering lines on your forehead.”
“_______, why am I on the ceiling?”
“What the heck happened while I was at the store?
"What the actual fuck!” “I did warn-” “Yes I know you said you were crazy, but this…. This is…” “Just another Tuesday. Oh we’re late for tea!” “With who?!” “With the Queen of course, who else?”
“Despreate times call for cows.”
“Did you burn the last piece of toast again?”
“You didn’t TELL me there’d be free food!”
“Did Jesus really die for this bullshit?”
“Do you want the apocalypse?!! Because that’s how you get the apocalypse!!!”
“Goddamit, I’m dead again aren’t I? How the hell did I do it this time?”
“I may be a horrible person, but at least I am an honest one.”
“I told you, I dress to kill, now fetch me my fancy stilettos, mama’s gonna slay tonight!”
“I left the room for 3 minutes and you really want to tell me you started a war with every single planet?” “Well, I told you 3 months ago to not leave me alone.” “And I told you I have to use the bathroom 3 months ago!”
“Wow, only took 3 minutes to destroy the world.” “Let’s see if I can do it in 2!”
“So… Wh-Why- How did you flush the duck down the toilet?”
“dude. i liked that carpet. do you know how hard it is to wash bloodstains out of carpets.”
“Don’t worry, it’s much worse than it looks.”
“What are you doing ___?” “I’m camping.” “No you’re beside tree with a blank-” “CAMPING”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS A DUCKPOTATO”
“PUT THE PUPPY DOWN AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!”
“PLEASE DON’T HANG UP! YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE IN DANGER!”
“What the hell kind of scream was that? And how did you make it?! ”
“Hey, uhm… Hate to interrupt your conversation, but why the fuck is there a giraffe on the soup aisle”
“You mean to tell me that somebody decided it was a good idea to cross plums and apricots, but nobody can figure out why my cat has RABBIT ears?”
“Sorry but um… why is there a fox and a bear singing Ooh la la by Britney Spears on the balcony? And where is my chicken, Pudding?!”
“Where did you get LIGHT-UP COMBAT BOOTS? THEY CHANGE COLOR?!”
“So you’re telling me there was a genie trapped in that can of soup? And you accidentally ATE THE GENIE?!”
“Listen…don’t take this the wrong way, but…I love the OTHER you better.”
“Tell me why, exactly, did you need the rubber chicken? ”
“Look, I’m not a liar, alright? And I ain’t overdramatic or hyperbolic or whatever else you wanna call me. So when I say I would sell my soul for a pancake right now, I mean I will literally sell my soul for a pancake right now. And maybe a million dollars.”
“Wait a second, you’re telling me that….. YOU’VE BEEN DATING SATAN BEHIND MY BACK FOR FOUR WHOLE YEARS?!!!”
“Well dad did say he would be gone for five days…what the hell? Let’s go to the corner store!”
“Why did you buy 74 melons?!”
“Where’s the toaster?” “It’s in the kitchen… Why do you have a fork?” “K, thanks.”
“Death, out of all the things in this world, why are so afraid of ____?”
“This floor is like my life; Cold and Hard.”
“So you’re telling me that I am the only thing that is preventing a Third World War, right?” “Yeah, pretty much.”
“I don’t know your name and you don’t know mine but I promise it will turn out okay.”
“Little did you know, they were slowly turning into werewolves.”
“Umm… I may have possibly accidentally blown up another planet”
“I told you not to do that… now look, you’ve lost your hand!”
“Every time you speak I literally die a little”
“One baby soul please, Adult souls give me gas!”
“I need you, yes you (you should feel targeted), to come up with a new dialogue prompt for part 4 and leave it in the comments below. It’s fun and the first 100 replies will make the next list. As always, one prompt per amigo and don’t forget the doubles quotes “”. Pantoffel” (Click here for part 1 and here for part 2)
A/N: Hey guys! Welcome to day 2 of #MitchWeek! Yes, this smutis completely inspired by that bathtub scene from the trailer. I came up with this idea and immediately told Nia about it to which she said and I quote “if you don’t write this, I will.” And so we decided to turn it into a collab! I hope you guys love how intense this is as much as we do. We really felt no need to hold back.
“I don’t need a babysitter.” Mitch snarled at Stan Hurley as the pair walked down the long hallway.
“If anyone needs a babysitter, it’s you.” Stan chuckled at his least favourite trainee’s expense.