Hey y’all it’s yah boy yung dumbfuck back at it again with the bad decision making skills. I’m here to entertain y’all with another absence of any common sense or home training. This story ima spill tea on the time I was the weekend bitch! Mhmm I was living the side chick life like SZA and unknowingly had a time share with another girl. Now without further ado, let’s make it do what it do.
Before we even get into the actual story y’all just gotta know the dude was ugly and white. There, I said it bitch. He was ugly as fuck and smelled like corn chips and feet. Don’t judge me I was in high school and desperate for any male attention because I was insecure in my blackness at the time. That being said, let’s get on with it. The first part of the story takes place Halloween of my junior year of high school. Now this was when I reeaaaally wasn’t feeling myself and felt insecure because I ain’t like my baby faced ass smh. My friends and I had been planning a small get together on Halloween because niggas needed to get lit after dealing with the stress of the school week. Now I wasn’t even supposed to be doing that because I was already grounded for getting alcohol poisoning at homecoming the previous weekend (a different story for a different day lmao). But since we had a half day I had more than enough time to beat my mom home. Anyway we knew this gross senior boy who we gon call Patrick Star that absolutely had no friends in his own grade, and because he was desperate for friends he would literally let us throw parties in house and give us free alcohol. White people are wild like that. So my best friend Kelendria, her girlfriend Queen Latifah, and her friend who we’re gonna call Basura, headed to Patrick’s house after school and just got drunk out of our minds. I don’t know how it happened but we were playing truth or dare, then Patrick and Basura started randomly making out. Nobody dared them to either…..they just started kissing out of nowhere which was weird af? But my trade hungry ass at the time was like
Oooohh, so we got some undercover dick munchers in the house? Bitch it was a snack wrap from that moment. His fate was sealed and that dick was mine. After Patrick gets done sucking Basura’s face, he puts his arms out to Kelendria and says “Kiss meeeeee” drunk ass sounding like the skeleton mom from spongebob that was like “i hate chocolate”. Kelendria just looks at him, takes a shot, and is like “If you touch me I will pull your nasty ass foreskin over your face and choke you with it, try me”. Being the gross teenage boy he is, he somehow takes that as the go ahead and tries to kiss her. So Kelendria and her girlfriend start legit beating his ass. It’s ok tho we used to fight for fun while we were drunk all the time so no one was shook. I took this opportunity and led Basura upstairs to this room in the attic and locked it. My fast gon jump straight to the point and say “Do you want me to suck your dick?” smh I was really bout that hoe life back in the day. Of course Basura was like hell yeah nigga (he aint say nigga, trust) so I pushed him back onto the bed and started unzipping his pants. I’m giving all these sexy faces and serving nothing but pout hunty, and I can tell he’s living for it. I finally pull his pants down and bitch…….my face…….
NIGGA WHERE THE REST OF THE DICK AT??? Put that fraudulent shit back and give me the real thing bitch! That shit was literally no bigger than my middle finger I was soooooo maaaaad. I was so hurt I went through all the emotions of Lemonade in that one moment. And to top it off, TO TOP IT TF OFF, this boy says as a direct quote “I’m sorry it’s small”. This nigga did not just apologize to me for his dick being small omfggggg. Don’t get me wrong tho I still sucked that dick for points. I know, I wasn’t a fraction of shit back then. Sue me bitch. Now that’s all ima say on that event because this already tew much. Skip to the Monday after and I’m at rehearsal for my school’s musical and my loud mouth ass friend walks up to me and says “You gave Basura head?!”. I just looked at that hoe and blinked. Like shut up bitch, number one why you so loud??? Number two, how tf do YOU know? They go on to tell me that Basura been running his mouth. Immediately i dropped what I was doing and was like whelp I guess this the day I get expelled. My friend was like “Nooo don’t fight violence is blah blah blah” I just pushed that hoe out my way and kept looking for him since school had only just let out. Now that snake ass bitch texted him as soon as I left and told him to run, so I never caught him that day. However the next day before classes start, I head straight to that micro phallus dick nigga’s locker. That snake ass friend is trailing behind me talmbout some “You need to plan what you’re gonna say, we need to avoid conflict” I turned around and looked that hoe straight in the face
Wtf do you mean “we” bitch, you speak French?? So I go to his locker and slam that shit shut while he’s taking his books out. He looks at me and he knows he done fucked up. Now this nigga was lucky, because I’m bout my grades and my personal record, so I wasn’t gonna touch him during school. I just put it bluntly “If I catch you telling anyone else about what happened I’m beat the shit out of you”. Don’t get me fucked up now, being gay don’t mean shit I’m from 16th street in DC, ask about it. I’ll still whoop that ass like you’re my child. I walk away after that cause I don’t need to hear shit that nigga got to say. I had him so shook we ain’t speak for the rest of that school year. Now the rest of the story takes place my senior year of high school. I came back after summer break looking all types of golden and delicious. I got a lil more fit and started to dress to gag, so the trade was coming out of the wood works to holla at me. It had been almost an entire year so I’d forgotten about the shit tbh. Every lunch period my friends and I used to sit outside, so one day while I was coming in at the beginning of 5th period, Basura approaches me for the first time since I threatened to stomp him out. I’m just like hey lol. We talk for a little bit and out of nowhere he asks me “Do you wanna go on a date this weekend?” Being who I am it takes a lot to get me shook, and bitch, I was shook.
I had never been asked on a date before, it was really sweet and flattering. So I said no. I was not going on my first date with this trash ass nigga. But then I was like we could hang out and he can buy me starbucks. And because I have yet to meet any nigga dumb enough to tell me no, we do just that lol. Nothing noteworthy or memorable happens when we hangout, it’s dry af but we keep talking afterwards. Because my ass was a naive high schooler and lonely, I got low key attached to ole dude smh. But after a little while he started acting funny. He’d cancel on me frequently, go ghost for days at a time, and hide his phone from my view, which was weird because that wasn’t even my man. Eventually one day I’m hanging with my friend Sausage during lunch, and her messy ass casually mentions that she was reading this girl named Elbow’s tweet storm online about how her boyfriend’s been neglecting her to spend time with a gay dude. Of course I was like yaaass lemme catch the tea gorl! So I’m reading the tweets on her phone, and some things start to add up in my mind…..this girl was shading ME
Sausage was like “I didn’t know how to tell you but she’s been talking mad shit about you”. I was like oooooooohhhh word?? I was literally at a lost for words because….I have no idea who you are, like what even is your name sis? People can say whatever they want about me idc, but broadcasting about me on social media hoe? Now das a done deal. So I was like cute, we gon roll up on this fathead queef tomorrow during lunch. Of course Sausage was like “yas bitch lets do it I wanna stomp that trick”, messy ass. Lol they were friends too, she just really ain’t like her. The entire time until the next day my drakemotional ass is sitting aggy af, because I know damn I can’t pick a fight with this girl and let Sausage beat her ass. I mean I was still gonna read her for speaking on me like a reckless hoe, but neither one of us were in the wrong. Basura was the dusty shrimp dick bitch who was stringing both of us along. I was really in class about to bust out singing Love Galore because nigga….you know you know better. I felt like a whole dumb ass letting this ugly mediocre white boy stunt on me because I gave him a little bit of clout. Smh I was so over myself but I had to keep up my bad bitch facade.
So I leave campus the next day during lunch and Sausage texts me to tell me she’s sitting in Whole Foods with Elbow. Yes y’all, I turnt up on a white girl in a Whole Foods cafe smfh. I really used to be that bitch. I enter the cafe lobby area where they’re both sitting and working on their homework. Elbow looks up and she’s immediately quaking in her ugg boots, she knew I was there for wigs. Sausage messy behind is just sitting next to her eating her grapes like the messy bitch she is. Before I scalp her, I give sis a chance to explain herself and take the high road out, because I’m mature like dat. The entire time she speaks she doesn’t look me in my eyes once. Tragic. She goes onto say “Well he was my boyfriend first” and talks about how I’m “getting in the way”. And that’s where I had to cut the mf tape. I’m…..in the way? You’re DL ass boyfriend is cheating on you, and I’M the problem??? It was time to drag. So I gave it to her straight no chaser “He may have been your boyfriend first, but he’s been my daycare for a while because that nigga’s guts have been taking care of my kids. Have a nice day sis” and left. I said a lot of worse shit but y’all don’t need to know how shitty I was back then lmao. The entire time Sausage messy ass kiki’d and got her life laughing in her “friends” face smh. After that I called Basura and told that bitch he can kick rocks and if he ever speaks my name again, it’s hands on sight. Sausage asked if I wanted to hang out after that but I said nah and skipped the rest of school that day. I got my black ass on the train and rode it back and forth to both ends of the line listening to No More Drama by Mary J. Blige the entire time. Lmaooo I was a mess
I was just emotional because Basura was the very first boy I had ever given the time of day and that bitch said he was gonna take me to homecoming and everything smh. Obviously he wasn’t because I was just the side chick. I really was the weekend y’all. hE probably ain’t even like me as a person, I was just a fine ass black boy for him to fetishize in private. I still never spoke to him again up to this very day. As for Elbow, I actually reached out to her before we graduated and squashed the beef. Because while she was wrong for shit talking me and blaming me for her man’s infidelity, I ain’t have to drag her to the astral plain and back in front of a store of people. But that’s why you don’t start shit with me, because I’ll make sure I finish it. We’re actually pretty good friends now, I just went to a party at her house a few weeks ago it was fun lol. So what lesson have we learned this time children? Men ain’t shit, don’t be a hoe for just anyone, know yah worth, don’t act a fool in Whole Foods, and most importantly; don’t trust white people.