This is probably the only time I’m ever going to say this:

Everyone in Real Life Westminster REALLY needs to listen to Ollie here.

Because yeah.

But since I find it impossible to let Ollie have the last word just because he’s actually, you know, MASSIVELY RIGHT about something (for once), here’s Malcolm being OUTRAGED! at Helen’s carelessness in the form of his old obsession with clowns

and an apparent new obsession with inferno Nicola in a Zumba class

while being as sarcastic as is humanly possible

which obviously is just a wee bit horribly mean and hypocritical of him since of course he did totally set Helen up in the first place with the visible notes and the swarming hack pack; but on the other hand, he was only able to do that

because she really IS *way* more clueless than an adult in politics in Westminster has any right to be in the age of powerful digital lenses.

Except actually I guess she isn’t since the exact same thing keeps happening to Real Life ministers and spads. And sure, a few are intentional (Hello Malcolm), most definitely aren’t which is a striking reminder how some lessons will clearly never EVER be learned – even if they’re repeated with an almost startling regularity.


1. In re: bullying

And that’s all that needs to be said about that.

2. Childhood cuddles? wonders Malcolm suspiciously. What does she know?

For indeed, the no-tie tweedy tousled strangely ginger psyche psychoanalyst* that lives deep deep deep within Malcolm’s unconscious mind–

–well, on second thought maybe not THAT deep within, is still slooooowly working through some of Malcolm’s obviously unresolved cuddle-related issues,

but how could Helen possibly know that?????

*Yes, a psyche psychoanalyst IS totally a thing and conclusively a Freudian construct because luxuriant beard


A cunningly edited selection of the think-thoughting session from 402 to highlight Malcolm’s dawning apprehension that hell isn’t other people; hell is Quiet Batpeople.

(If I’d been a little more on the ball I would have posted this yesterday which was the same day this happened without being the same date since the Wednesday before Remembrance Sunday in 2011 was actually November 9th.)

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anonymous asked:

Malcolm/Helen? A tiny little one scene or something please? Love your fics :)

“She’ll no’ forgive you for this if she found out”

“Shut the fuck up, I’ll deal with Nicola, you deal with me”

Malcolm obliged, biting Helen’s lower lip and pushing her harder against the wall of the cupboard they were hidden in. Her legs hooked around his waist and he practically purred as her fingernails sunk harshly into his back.

Yes, Malcolm would deal with Helen. He’d deal with her until she was an exhausted mass in his hands.

Then he’d deal with Nicola.