heiko-julien

i need you to french me into the fucking dirt. need you to actually care about me and i need you to know that i just get tired sometimes. need to think that you are a better person than i am and never say it. need you here with me, on our literal death mattress, lying perfectly still in the middle of every single consecutive and increasingly sober night
—  Heiko Julien

Touch Your Insides to My Insides
by Mira Gonzalez and Heiko Julien


I am trying to create a tangible experience
in your car and my hair is wet.

It is 3 in the morning.
We are at a gas station.
You are thinking about distance
and about wrinkles on our brains,
how we are permanently encased
between the width of our skulls.

I think that I would like to
push my head against your head
for nine and a half years.

Then you will understand something
about my internal organs,
how they felt confused and alone
when I saw your face from the perspective
of four thousand planets,
when I woke up from a dream
and promised I wouldn’t text you,
when I felt an emotion as a placeholder
and touched every inside part of you.


I’m just trying to breathe over here.
You know as well as I do
what it’s like.
You’re just not thinking about it right now.

You’ve struggled to catch your breath.
You’ve fallen off your bike before, probably.
You’ve (probably) gasped,
like during a movie,
When someone said something really cool/rude/sexy.
I am saying something.
Am I saying something
cool/rude
(probably not sexy but im just flustered).

Hey.
I think we could still be
‘together’
even though
we dont really
'like’
each other
that much
anymore.
I think we could still
'do this’
for a while
longer
if we just established some
'ground rules’.
I think we could
stay
'together’
even though
it doesnt really
feel
'good’.


I’m just trying to breathe over here.
You know as well as I do
what its like.
You’re just not thinking about it right now.

You’ve struggled to catch your breath.
You’ve fallen off your bike before probably.

You know how it feels when
you swallow a pill and it becomes caught
in your throat.

You are holding me back, somehow,
maybe not.

At night you fall asleep with one arm on me.
Your face is mostly plain.

You know that love will never feel like
being pushed off the edge of a cliff.

Reading your emails
I can feel something motionless
at the base of my head.

You are better than me because
I don’t eat food anymore
and you exercise sometimes.

Mostly you are better because you hate me.

If we just establish some
'ground rules’
I think we could
stay
'together’
even though
it doesn’t really
feel
'good’.

You know how dogs arent really smiling, theyre just panting? and they dont really kiss you, they just lick your face because they like salt? a lot of things are like that. i am like that

people like dogs because they usually look happy. you can do this too. dogs arent always happy and neither are you

there are a lot of things i really really want so i am smiling. i am smiling like i dont want to die alone

we are smiling at each other like we dont want to die alone. this is probably the right thing to do

—  I Am Ready To Die A Violent Death~Heiko Julién
THE FIRST FACEBOOK POSTS FROM 17 WRITERS // PEOPLE WHO I LIKE

*

HEIKO JULIEN (2006) - fishing for souls

ZACHERY WOOD - (2006) – snows falling

JANEY SMITH (2009) – is not knowing what to do

STEVE ROGGENBUCK (2009) - is tired. meteor showr tonight, reggae now

JAMES GANAS (2008) - Sarah Palin looks like she’s always hungry

EILEEN MYLES (2009) - I’m writing something so insane. Couldn’t be happier.

AUSTIN ISLAM (2008) - is trying to change his last name but Facebook won’t let him

DIANE MARIE (2012) – gave some feedback in class which was in Opposition to sth my tutor had said and he made a truely Evil Eye at me and said “there’s one Big Difference between Writers and Authors. Authors have been published.” wow nice one mate! cool attitude!

DIANA SALIER (2008) - can’t believe we have winter in LA

ASHLEY OBSCURA (2011) - a golden haired water spirit in a golden boat. ☽◯☾

BEN MIROV (2008) - is What are you doing right now!

JOHN TOTTENHAM(2010) - “There is nothing more depressing than a mediocre musician.”

TAO LIN (2006) – fucked.

HUNTER PAYNE (2007) - hay guiz phinally got a facebook LOL

BEACH SLOTH (2012) – Re-writing my book, scene by scene.

MICHAEL HESSEL-MIAL (2008) - has a ticket to the TV on the Radio show! Anybody want it?

JACKSON NIEUWLAND (2008) - I’m Me