heavy sigh

  • me: Prince Andrey is my favorite male character.
  • me, what I really mean: Prince Andrey is unlike most princely tropes. You have a man who by all rights has been given the basic qualities of a 'prince'. He is handsome, educated, people adore him but he is unhappy. His father shows little to no love for him if not for his honor solely. He keeps the people he does love (Pierre, Mary/Maria, his son, his first wife) at a distance. Andrey is plagued with so much emotion he doesn't know how to put it into action. He is emotionally constipated feeling disappointment in being stagnant and domestic. He wants so much more than just this life, he has so much gusto inside of him but has such a strong disconnection to his body his mind has no way to move it other than joining the war and doing something with his life. He envies Pierre's ability to feel and his sensibility to speak his mind no matter what. He envies Natasha's innocence and ability to emote that joy. In his dying breathes all Andrey wants to do is express his feelings and even in his dying moments, the last person he wants to see is Natasha. The woman he loved, hated, and loved even more

wow i’m actually crying real tears over the fact that virmire is this fixed moment in mass effect and nothing you can do can ever change it. like these are two fantastic and flawed individuals who are beyond committed to shepard and the alliance and everything and they have so much potential for friendship, for being a pair of people that help shepard in this huge way. but then virmire happens and they will only ever scratch the surface of those relationships. no matter what you do, no matter what planning and preparing and hustling and hauling and gunfire and bombs and lapping waves come before, virmire is virmire and only one of them can live. there will never be plotting and ranting when the normandy is landlocked. there will never be comforting each other before facing saren. there will never be shore leave, the weight off the shoulders, the tremendous amounts of pasta and wine that they would’ve cooked, enough to feed a small village but they ate all themselves. there will never be huddling in an escape pod in the vastness of space, watching the normandy burn out into orange embers. there will never be mourning shepard together, leaning on one another, keeping that friendship so they’re not entirely alone in the world after the crash. there will never be that moment where they both stand in vancouver and look at shepard once again and say “we used to.” there will never be that escaping into the normandy for another adventure, just the three of them. there will never be a war with the reapers to fight together, no comfort in the mess hall on the graveyard shift. no rannoch, no thessia, no tuchanka, nothing. no london. no watching the earth come to in a red glow, all the reapers falling to the ground. no celebration of the war being over, of their lives only truly beginning. 

instead the survivor goes through all of this only (at the very least) with shepard, if not completely alone. they watch all of these things happening, this war unfolding so rapidly, and all they can do is look out that window of starboard observation and wonder what it would be like if virmire had never happened. what if they had that chance to grow together, entangling each other so deeply into the opposite’s life that they could hold each other up in that black vastness of space, in that strangling vacuum of war and trickling time? they imagine what it would be like to have the other back next to them, with their rifle and their stupid smile, pretending to be in a buddy cop movie while shooting down geth. collectors. reapers. 

virmire will always happen, over and over. inevitably. and the survivor will always be chained to that guilt that they lost someone that could have been their ultimate opposite, their perfect compliment. a best friend. 

god, I really REALLY wish tumblr had a mute user function. I’m using mobile 75% of the time so no saviour or xkit. blocking just seems so *dramatic*, and if the reason I don’t wanna see someone’s posts is cos they’re too into drama I get worried they’re gonna look at it as HATE or whatever if they notice and presto! drama! the exact thing I wanted to avoid!

don’t get me wrong, I’ve blocked some total wankers, but there are some people I’ve blocked who I don’t have any kind of issue with, who I’m sure are nice people - just they post in the tag a lot and the tropes they like squick me out or annoy me, and I don’t wanna see it. and I don’t wanna make a big thing about it and I don’t care if they see MY posts, and I don’t want people to think I hate them or they’ve offended me somehow if they notice they’re blocked, but no, tumblr only gives me the nuclear option.