heavy in my heart

8

Henry Cavill: “Leaving Kansas City with a heavy heart but with a smile on my face. Despite the result not going our way it was an unforgettable experience. Thank you to the players for your grit, determination and putting your bodies on the line for us. Thank you to the fans for your boundless energy and passion, you are undoubtedly the MVP. And a special thank you to the Hunt family for your incredible grace, warmth and second to none hospitality! The kingdom shall be carried with me in my heart. See you all next season!”

I remember hearing the first few strums of I Can’t Help Fqlling In Love With You, and Tylers gentle voice. And I remember falling through my knees to the ground because my heart was so heavy. And the people around me asked if I was okay and I remember laughimg through my tears and saying I was so glad I was alive. Use the music. Keep using the music.

A story about Carrie: I got to meet her 10 years ago in London. She was doing a signing and I was practically in pieces waiting in line. I was bouncing on my heels to try and contain how nervous I was. And when you’ve admired someone for nearly as long as your entire life - as I had - I was also slightly terrified that she might be slightly blasé about meeting fans. But she was anything but. In fact, she was incredibly kind. She asked me why I was bouncing and I told her I was trying to hold all of my nerves. And she said “Don’t dear girl. Let ‘em all out. Loudly if you can.” And I laughed and I ended up babbling about how much I loved that she was a short, brown-eyed brunette like me. And I remember she took both my hands in hers and whispered “We’re the best ones.”
My heart is heavy tonight as I mourn the loss of my hero. Thank you for teaching me that a girl can be her own kind of hero. Goodnight Princess, General, and incredible Activist. May the force forever be with you.

things i wish i knew when i started running

1. this sport breaks your heart. over and over and over again. 

2. your worth is not in how many miles you run, how fast you race, what place you finish. 

3. when a dream starts to feel like a prison sentence, it is okay if you leave it.

4. step back. breathe. LITERALLY stop to smell flowers, stare at the sunrise, or talk to the squirrel gathering nuts. look around you. take the moment in. you are alive. remember that. thirty seconds of appreciation will never be a mistake. 

5. you can’t weigh 100 pounds and be a size 00 forever. muscle mass is bad ass.

6. but you will still never have boobs. genetics really did a number on you. 

7. you will save all of your race bibs and all of your “good luck, run fast” notes. these will be stored in a box shoved under your bed. you will come home from college, find it, and cry. do not let the bitterness overwhelm the good memories. there are so many good memories. remember those instead.

8. you will outrun your love for running. it will take you two years to admit this aloud.

9. always stop if you see a dog during your run. always.

10. you may never become the runner you thought you would. but you will become an incredible woman who knows of sacrifice and strength, commitment and perseverance. you will become a woman so many people are proud of, even when you can’t be. you will stand on the same legs that met the finish line muddy, sweaty, or bloody hundreds of times before. you will breathe with the same lungs you swore were collapsing during your conference meet of your sophomore year. when reunited on winter break, you will hug your teammates with the same arms that held them during pre-race huddles and post-race breakdowns. you will be different, but beautiful. my god, you will be beautiful. you will be who you always needed to become. 

today my heart is heavy but I know I just have to rise above. I will fight for what I believe and this is not the end. This is the beginning of a new chapter where I have to be stronger, have a louder voice, and fight for what is right. America, we are strong. America, we have to be better than we have ever been. We are the future and let’s make sure our voices are heard.