heaving bosoms

fact: blaise zabini’s mother is an icon, a quintessential femme fatale. emerald colored liquid satin dresses stretching tight across her hips, black birdcage veils, tinted nylons, and poisoned hollywood red lipstick have become her standard attire for funeral parlors, collection of life insurance payouts, and sunday service. her musky scent intoxicates every suitor when she leans close. her head tilts sideways with interest as she traces her nails delicately along the pulse points of a flushed neck, and her signature bee sting kisses leave mouths swollen and trembling. she has perfected the craft of making admirers feel loved without the asphyxiating word ever dripping from her lips.

every authority that questions the tragedies surrounding her, promptly falls victim to her seduction. they are left drowsy and speechless upon hearing her purr in a silky, lightly accented voice that she is merely a grieving widow.

evenings are spent reclining on a divan beneath a swarovski crystal chandelier, velvet robe open just enough to reveal the curve of a heaving bosom and the swell of a soft thigh. her deep rich skin glows in the candlelight and dark curls tumble over a sharp shoulder. she dips candied cherries into a glass of champagne and hums along sweetly to the record player’s smoky crooning. vengeance and sadness glint in her eye as she plots how she will dispose of the handsome businessman slumped near her freshly polished toenails.

anonymous asked:

I need to talk to someone about how beautiful Sam is


would you like to talk about his squishy little nose and the way he scrunches it when he’s confused?

do you want to spend time discussing his perfect profile? (look at the line of his chin AND DESPAIR)

What about the way that he smiles when he’s flirting with Dr Cara in Sex and Violence? (we could probably spend the whole time discussing that one episode, LET’S BE REAL)

It’s definitely worth dwelling on the cheekbones and their chiselled improbability…

… or pondering the beauty of each individual hair of his eyebrows (to say nothing of the starburst eyes).

Lizzy Bennet’s heaving bosom ain’t got nothing on Sam’s

and sometimes he can be extremely distracting with his tongue.

As Dr Cara so wisely observes,

Also a problem? His back

his arms

and the staggering size of his hands.

This of course is merely scratching the surface. I haven’t mentioned his moles, his dimples, the beautiful stubble along his jawline or the lustrous beauty of his hair. I haven’t discussed his long long legs or the way that his T-shirts swing around his waist because of his inhumanly broad shoulders. Nor have I mentioned my particular obsession with his bare feet, when we’re lucky enough to see them. I haven’t been able fully to discuss the agony provoked by his smattering of chest hair nor by the rare and oh so delightful flash of his smile. And I haven’t even begun to deal with the beauty of the booty.


anonymous asked:

Hi alex! I dont know if you take prompts and if you dont thats ok. If you do can you write a scene in your bth verse where emma tells killian about her ability to spot lies please? Thank you and dont worry if you dont have time to write it i understand.

So, this is one of those things where it’s clear that at some point in Beyond the Horizon, Killian finds out about Emma’s superpower, but I never wrote the actual scene where she tells him. Then I got carried away and wrote 4,000 words once I started thinking about how it would have come out. Unlike the other BtH extras, this isn’t a single scene, this is some missing bits and pieces that take place over several chapters of the main fic.

Also on ff.net here as part of my Interlude at Sea series.

(and yes, there’s smut)


Something was nagging at him.

It was a faint but insistent tug at the back of his mind, a lurking shadow in the corner of his eye.

“Women on ships are bad luck.”

Killian Jones was superstitious - all sailors were, to some extent. He wore charms around his neck to guard against the cold grasp of Davy Jones (no relation) and never dared to challenge the wind by absent-mindedly whistling on deck. He steered well clear of the flocks of albatrosses soaring about overhead in search of dinner and avoided the sleek schools of mermaids below - treacherous, untrustworthy creatures they were, but he’d never held much stock in the old belief that a woman aboard a ship was bad luck. He certainly didn’t think that his golden-haired treasure had brought him any ill since he’d stolen her away for his own, the single storm (that they’d forded with no casualties and no cost save a lost day or two on repairs) aside, he’d had nothing but astonishingly good luck with Princess Emma by his side.

In his arms.

In his bed.

But still, there was something about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Some mysterious quality about her that had nothing to do with her more obvious, feminine charms, like the tilt of her lips that practically begged for his kisses or the curve of her waist that seemed to have been made for his hands to circle and pull her close, lovely and dreadfully distracting whenever he tried and failed to get to the bottom of exactly what was bothering him.

So he watched,

And waited.

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“Oh, is it! And who do you think saved your miserable life for you, anyway? Did it all by yourself, did you?” I grabbed his arm to steer him back to bed, but he jerked it away.

“I didna ask ye to, did I? I told ye to leave me, no? And I canna see why ye bothered to save my life, anyway, if it’s only to starve me to death—unless ye enjoy watching it!”

This was altogether too much.

“Bloody ingrate!”


I drew myself to my full height, and pointed menacingly at the cot. With all the authority learned in years of nursing, I said, “Get back in that bed this instant, you stubborn, mulish, idiotic—”

“Scot,” he finished for me, succinctly. He took a step toward the door, and would have fallen, had he not caught hold of a stool. He plumped heavily down on it and sat swaying, his eyes a little unfocused with dizziness. I clenched my fists and glared at him.

“Fine,” I said. “Bloody fine! I’ll order bread and meat for you, and after you vomit on the floor, you can just get down on your hands and knees and clean it up yourself! I won’t do it, and if Brother Roger does, I’ll skin him alive!”

I stormed into the hall and slammed the door behind me, just before the porcelain washbasin crashed into it from the other side. I turned to find an interested audience, no doubt attracted by the racket, standing in the hall. Brother Roger and Murtagh stood side by side, staring at my flushed face and heaving bosom. Roger looked disconcerted, but a slow smile spread over Murtagh’s craggy countenance as he listened to the string of Gaelic obscenities going on behind the door.

“He’s feeling better, then,” he said contentedly. I leaned against the corridor wall, and felt an answering smile spread slowly across my own face.

“Well, yes,” I said, “he is.”

– Outlander

The Prize, Ch. 8

Summary: AU Tom, set in early 19th c. London.  Madeleine and Tom have known each other since they were teenagers (her brother is married to his sister). Can they overcome their fears and choose each other?  

Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama (Written as an experiment in the heaving bosom/bodice ripper vein)

Rating: T (non-explicit sexuality/mild violence in later chapters)

Author’s Notes: Friendly reminder that I am not a “W”riter, I always feel like I can’t describe what I see, and your imagination needs to be on High right now.  Only half beta’d, all mistakes are mine. I promised I would post it before I went to bed and I’m exhausted, should probably go back and edit when I have fresh eyes.  

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7

“Tom!” she exclaimed upon seeing him enter the library, “Come see what Fred- uh, Mr.Kingston has brought me!”

His Christian name.  

She had just caught herself using his Christian name.

And she was cradling an armful of new books.

That were from him.

Tom wanted to march over to her and tear them from her hands, throw them into the fire, wipe every trace of memory about that man from her mind.

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Heavy breathing Sam (requested by the pervs over at the bittersamgirlclub)

Release - Alfie Solomons One Shot (requested)

ok i’m here to request a nsfw prompt for alfie and alyona ;) it’s not detailed so you can go anyway you like with this but could you write a smutty one shot about them doing the dirty deed in alfie’s office😉😉thank youuuuu and there’ll me more coming ur way :)   


Alfie jumped startled from where he sat behind his desk, feet raised upon the scattered papers, when the door to his office flew open, hitting the glass wall behind.

“What the hell is this?!”

Alyona stood small and angry in the door frame, a piece of paper held tight in her fist.   Which was raised and shaking at him, making the paper flop like a limp sail.   Eyes narrowed, he considered her confrontational stance; eyes roaming the length of her body.  He could see it held rigid even from across the room.   Keen gaze lingered on the slender legs, curve of her hips and finally the heaving swell of her bosom, as she waited his reply.


His eyes finally lifted to meet her own; fingers distractedly working his beard. Fuck but she’d been in a mood all day it seemed.   He had been hoping that keeping her busy would help work off her temper.   Clearly he’d been wrong.

“Hello love.  Rough day?”  He rubbed the whiskers around his full mouth; ghost of a smile hiding behind.

“Don’t you patronize me right now Alfie, I’m not in the mood.”

“Well, it’s some kind of mood, innit?”   He ignored the glare that cast daggers at his head, tipped his hat – he knew it made her weak in the knees.  “Let me see that… since I can’t fuckin read from a mile away.”

His hand reached out for the paper, as she stormed closer, heels pounding so hard there were probably little dents of anger in his floor.  Alfie took the paper, raised his half glasses and quickly scanned the contents.   His brow knitted in confusion.   Just a regular work order; he didn’t see any cause for her anger.

“Well it’s a regular work order love, nothing to get all worked up over.”  His brow furrowed as he looked at her standing in front of his desk, arms folded across her chest and foot tapping the floor.  He tossed the paper back on his desk.  Hell but he wasn’t exactly in the mood to be dealing with feminine temper he didn’t have a hope in hell of understanding either.

Her voice pitched high within the space, “It’s not a regular work order Alfie dammit.  It’s changed the whole routine for the day… work I already did is now pointless, AND I have to go back and redo other work to now fit THIS.”  She picked up the paper and then tossed it back at him.   His brow furrowed deeper.

“I’m sorry Alyona, I am really, but it’s not like I could prevent it.  And just get Gil to help ya… that’s why I fucking hired the lad.  To work.”   His feet lowered from the desk and he leaned forward a tone of impatience coating his words, “Ya know work… that thing I pay ya, to do.”

Her jaw dropped, “Ohh, that’s what I’m here for am I?  To do your bidding?”

Once again Alfie, normally very astute regarding the flow of conversation, was at a loss as to the direction of her thoughts.   He leaned back, spread his arms wide and with dumbfounded look, “What?  The. Hell?”

Her mouth opened and closed, words half uttered but losing their force as she struggled to give voice to whatever emotions swirled inside her.   Watching her pass from anger, to confusion, to finally a frustrated sigh, Alfie suddenly leaned forward once more.

“Alyona.”  He waited until her eyes raised to meet his own.  “Are ya picking a fight with me?”

He could tell by the colour that immediately rose in her cheeks that he had finally hit the truth. Rising from his desk, he slowly advanced around its edge, lean fingers trailing along the wood as he held her now unsure gaze.

“Now why would ya be doing something like that love?”  Folding his arms across his chest he stopped before her.  Felt the tension coiled inside her and a wicked smile carved his features.  “A man such as myself…known of short temper.  Likely to take matters into my own hands… hard.  Fast.”

Her chest rose and he heard the hitch of her breath.  Jaw slackened, her pretty, little pout of a mouth once more trying to utter words stuck in her throat.   But her eyes… they held his own and a fire burned within those swirling depths.  The challenge she silently issued.  His hands raised to grab either side of her head, his voiced rasped against the skin of her cheek.

“Get on the floor.”

One tiny part of her mind knew she should have resisted him.  Pretended to fight harder.  But her knees submitted and slid to the floor, before her will registered even a tiny slip of a feigned defense.   His fingers tangled in her long hair, while the other hand unfastened his trousers where she could see the bulge of his erection straining against the fabric.   He freed his swollen cock, its head already glistening a drop of his own now raging need.   His hand ran over its length with a few slow pumps and her lips inadvertently parted as the desire swept through her.   Eyes still holding his own, eyelids fluttering, she reached up and took him in her soft hands.   Alfie’s arms dropped to his sides and he leaned back against the desk for support.

Bending her head, she took his long length into her mouth.  Alfie watching every inch of himself slowly enveloped by her warm mouth, his breath held, fists clenched at his sides.   The urge to grab her head and guide her motions a battle waged and nearly lost, as her mouth and tongue stroked and sucked a fire into his gut. He sensed this was not about his need, but something within her; a need she couldn’t name but judging from how she hummed and moaned upon his throbbing cock, was desperate to fulfill.   She swirled her tongue about the tip, around the sensitive underside and his head tipped back and almost gave in to the intense pleasure.

“Fuck … God Alyona….easy…”  His hands finally twisted in her hair, but in attempt to tug her off before he erupted.  Instead she swallowed his entire length and as he hit the back of her throat his knees damn near buckled beneath him.  With some force he squeezed her head and she finally released him with a loud, sucking pop.   Fuck no one ever worked him better.   “Hell love… I said easy…”

There was victory and wickedness in her gaze, and it sent another jolt of heat straight to his already flaming desire.   With one strong hand he raised her, while the other dove straight up her skirts and pushed her panties aside.   Already dripping with need and he groaned in his chest, pushing her up against the desk.   If he was in charge, and he didn’t fool himself that he was, he would have turned her pert backside up and pounded the climax right out of her.   But he could see that her eyes still had a challenge, the embers still brightly burning, as she settled upon the desk and kicked her panties off.   They hit his chest and she smirked, catching her full bottom lip in her teeth.  He grabbed her hips, bringing her to the edge and drove himself in with no hint of gentleness.  If it was a hard fucking she wanted, she was damn well going to get it.    Only too happy to oblige this unexpected wanton need, he thrust wildly into her soft flesh.  

Heart pounding as the desk shook, and papers fell to the floor; the one lamp balanced dangerously close to the edge, and still he could see the lingering clasp she maintained on her will.   Keeping this pace, he was desperate for release, but he’d be damned if he let that happen.   Death first before this little minx got the better of him.  Fuck he loved her with a madness he’d never known.   Loved that she craved him like this.   Suddenly he pulled out slowly, held her gaze for a moment before gliding back in her wet and warm walls with an exquisite slowness.   Saw the surrender of will as it left her gaze and her face softened.   Slow and gentle he fucked all the tension and heat right out of her skin; every nerve opened to him.   When her eyes rolled back and her head tipped to his ceiling, he smirked in satisfaction, but it was when the begging begin he truly knew she was his.

“God.. Alfie, fuck please… please.”  

Her hips strained up against him and he swore his prick was now stroking bone.   Her arms reached back and gripped the far edge of the desk and her back arched up, raising her hips even further so that he was pulled even deeper.  All the air left his lungs and the blood rushed to his head when he felt her clench and clamp around his pulsing shaft.   Legs locked about his waist, trembling and shaking as her climax tore through her entire body.  Her teeth biting down so hard to halt her moans, he saw she’d drawn blood.   Eyes glued to her, he managed a few more fast and deep thrusts before he exploded inside her with a guttural shout; his own body shaking in long drawn out convulsions that rocked him to his core.  He didn’t even know how he was still standing.  His legs had gone numb, and he’d pay for this tomorrow.   He would have no regrets of course.  Keen eyes scanned the still heavily breathing body laid out beneath him.  Her eyes were closed and one hand lay across her forehead.   Lightly he stroked the soft curve of her hip while his own breathing calmed.   Finally her eyes opened and she sought his gaze, a hesitant smile etched her lovely, flushed face.  Raising on her elbows, she loosed a heavy sigh.  His brow raised as he stared back.

“Feel better, yeah?”

She could only nod feebly, a measure of uncertainty in her eyes.  He reached for her hands and pulled her against his chest, stroked her long hair, while she collapsed against him fully spent.

“Has been a day, has it love?”

Felt the nodding of her head, before it turned and lightly pressed a kiss against his bristled neck. He chuckled softly as he kissed her temple.

“Yeah, well glad I could be here for ya.”   His strong hands ran down the length of her back.  “I mean, officially ya know I’m a bit offended to be used so… but listen sweetie…”

She swatted him lightly and met his eyes; saw the teasing glint within though he tried to hold onto the feigned offense.  “No yer not, and yer a shitty liar Alfie Solomons.”   She kissed him softly.

He pulled her in for a lengthier kiss, and then drawing back chuckled lightly.  “It’s not lying love… it’s negotiating.  And I think ya must know, I’m the best at resolving…” he cast a wink at her, “tense situations, right?”

At least she had the decency to blush, and he loved her even more for it.   She licked her lips as though ready to devour him again.  Alfie fastened his trousers, and then pulled her legs back around his waist and walked them over the couch.  Sinking down into the cushions, he cradled her close.  

“So, how do you think ya will feel tomorrow… because ya know I got a busy schedule and ya can’t just come barging in demanding sex sweetie.”

Her chest shook against his own as she laughed, squeezing him closer.


“Yeah Alfie.”

He shifted slightly and groaned softly.  “Fuckin hell… I think I pulled my back love.”

This time she laughed out loud.

“Yeah sweetie… well, it’s been a day, hasn’t it.”

  ~ The End ~     

The Prize, Ch.7

Summary: AU Tom, set in early 19th c. London.  Madeleine and Tom have known each other since they were teenagers (her brother is married to his sister). Can they overcome their fears and choose each other?  

Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama (Written as an experiment in the heaving bosom/bodice ripper vein)

Rating: T (non-explicit sexuality/mild violence in later chapters)

Author’s Notes: Thank you to @i-wanna-be-toms-body-pillow for her continued enthusiasm and assistance. I’m still surprised that people are interested in this story.  Thank you for the kind words.  I really enjoyed writing this chapter, the beginning kind of had me hot and bothered. ;)

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6

The library was always the first place she went.  It was her domain, her refuge, her kingdom.  After time away, her heart would beat a little faster in anticipation as she made her way down the hall.  Stepping over the threshold was to be transported.  No matter the frustration of things great and small, no matter the pain of life and loss, she always found respite here.  She walked through the room, sighing contentedly, her hands caressing the spines of her treasures, shelf by shelf, feeling the binding against her palms, the smooth edges of the lettering.  Deep breaths filled her lungs, the scent of dust and memories and dried lavender relaxing her.  A few favorites, for she had many, were picked up with reverence and pressed to her chest, embraced as a beloved.  Among them were gifts from her parents and she traced her fingertips over the words they had left on the inside cover.  

“I missed you,” she told them.  And she heard them all respond in whispers, each page rustling softly in her ears, the cooing intimate words of a lover meant only for her.  

Keep reading

The Prize, Ch.5

Summary: AU Tom, set in early 19th c. London.  Madeleine and Tom have known each other since they were teenagers (her brother is married to his sister). Can they overcome their fears and choose each other?  

Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama (Written as an experiment in the heaving bosom/bodice ripper vein)

Rating: T (non-explicit sexuality, scenes of thematic peril {SORRY I JUST HAD TO SAY THAT!!!})

Author’s Notes:  Reminder that this started out just on a whim, I am not a Writer, I am not going to obsess about the accuracy of period language or technical issues, etc.  I’m not good at describing action, my scribbling is much  more about internal workings. Thank you to @i-wanna-be-toms-body-pillow for her enthusiasm and time in helping me.  

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4


Protect Madeleine.

He blinked a few times, as if the action would provide clarity to his mind and light into the darkened coach.  The sound of the horses and Wilcox exclaiming filled his ears, a sound that he hoped was of surprise rather than pain.



Protect Madeleine.

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16 Days Of Outlander - Day 13

The Watch

“Keep Calm Now, Lad.”

She can’t get down to him fast enough, barely taking her eyes off him, lest she lose him in that split second she looked away. 

From her fear and his steeliness very little needs to be said for the tension to be palpably felt. There’s only one thing on her mind and that’s to get to his side

That huge bosom-heaving sigh of relief of hers, as Jenny - like a boss - comes in and defuses the situation.


There’s this amazing level of instinctual awareness Claire and Jamie share, where they’re able to read each other’s body language and sense changes in one another down to minute details.

Case in point: The moment Claire does get to Jamie’s side, she reads him (not too hard I’d imagine having already had a gun in his face, dude is pissed.)

Her grip on him tightens - warning. Keep calm.

Her hand rubs his shoulder - soothing. Don’t do anything rash. Yet the look she gives him - be ready. And immediately, he reaches for his dirk.

And as that asswipe puts his feet up on the table, Claire - without needing to look - instantly puts a warning hand on Jamie’s thigh - stilling him.

They’re both so perfectly tuned to the other’s wave length, even before they got married, really looking forward to more of that in S2!

Jamais être Pris Vivant!

That look they exchange…

Claire and Jenny

Their deepening bond throughout this episode was so enjoyable to watch, even though what bonded them was something quite dire.

Jenny telling Claire about how it feels to be pregnant was one of my favorite scenes they shared:

“Then towards the end. When the child moves a lot. It’s a feeling like when yer man’s inside ye. When he comes to ye deep and pours himself inside ye and that throbbing begins. Feels like that, only much bigger, like… like it’s him ye’ve taken into ye instead.” 

Honorable Mention

Claire:  It’s alright. It is possible to deliver a breach baby. I may have to reach inside and guide it out.

Jenny: Alright. But, you’ll be fetching me a good stiff dram before we start.

Claire: In that case, the baby will likely be drunk, too.

Jenny: Then he’ll come into the world a true Scot. 

When ‘Failure’ Lost It’s Power

Each thinking they’d failed the other, what rose instead was love beyond dimensions. Where the fear of the other’s suffering trumped their own completely. And failure ceased to exist in their eyes and had no power between them. For him, she could never fail him, nor in her eyes could he ever fail her. It’s tender. It’s beautiful.

Gah! That neck kiss. The timid way she looks up at him after, as he gazes at her the way he does… Damn these two… I’mma need a moment…

Jamie and Ian

My favorite scene of these two by far’s the one where Ian kills Horrocks. So shaken by it, Jamie’s there to console his brother and in that moment the depth of their friendship comes through amazingly

“Haste Ye Back. Or Else.”

As far as their S1 goodbyes go, this one hit the hardest (Geez, S2 will just do me in completely). Having sped-read ahead, knowing what was yet to come, when she’d see him next… it’s just so achingly full of everything they are and feel.


This cheeky wee bugger helping his Auntie Claire!

And lastly, some favorite stills

Pretty Little Eyes

GUYS I HAVE FIGURED OUT THE WHOLE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have developed a theory that stemmed from looking carefully at Bethany’s drawings from Radley. It’s pretty crazy, and very long and detailed. I hope everyone loves it as much as I do!! I sincerely believe I figured out EVERYTHING.

Sit back, relax, and ENJOY! XOX

This next part I briefly posted about the other day, but now I’m going to build on it in a MAJOR way, so continue reading!!

Bethany drew this picture in Radley:

The building in the background looks like the front of the Blind School at 1465 Elm Street that we saw for the first time in, “The Darkest Knight.”

The moment they lingered on the front of the Blind School in the finale, ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT was how it looked so similar to Bethany’s drawing.

Let’s analyze Bethany’s drawing. It seems to be a little boy being taken away from the school by a masked figure, and a little girl (probably herself) chasing after them. 

Before this episode, there have been a few mentions of other Blind Schools. In 2x16, Let the Water Hold Me Down, Spencer finds the rehab center for the blind that Jenna went to after she was blinded by the Liars and Alison. 

Spencer goes in but the women at the front desk says she cant divulge any patient information. As Spencer turns to leave, another patient tells her that he knows Jenna, and that she was really motivated during her rehab stay. Spencer steals the sign-in book on her way out and shows the girls. They see that Garrett signed Jenna out the day Ali was ‘murdered.’

In 3x3, “Kingdom of the Blind,’ Aria and Jenna play “In the Eye Abides the Heart,” and Aria steals a post-it from Jenna’s house. The girls follow Jenna to a gun store called H.COBB GUNS-N-AMMO. She then leaves and proceeds to drive her car. Hanna confronts her. Jenna tells the girls she’s been able to see from the first operation. She didn’t tell anyone because it was her “only protection.” 

  • Side note: It is interesting to note that Jenna has almost been murdered twice throughout the series: Once in 2x23, “Eye of the Beholder,” by being lured by A into Jason’s house that was set on fire (Hanna saves her). And in 4x9 “Into the Deep,” after being knocked unconscious and left in a lake to drown by supposedly Charlotte.

Before the A ending of this episode, Mona is shown in a hospital bed in Radley singing “In the Eye Abides the Heart.” There is a queen of hearts in her right hand. Could this signify that Aria or Jenna is the QoH? Remember who we KNOW was dressed as the QoH on the Halloween Train- WILDEN.

In the eye abides the heart.
Every pure and tender feeling,
All emotions worth revealing,
Through the eyes their charm impart.
Words are often clothed in guile;
For the lips with fear my falter:
E'en confiding smiles may alter
Oh! believe not in a smile!
‘Tis the eye unveils the heart.
Every pure and tender feeling,
All emotions worth revealing,
To the eyes their glow impart.
If thy bosom heaves a sigh
For a fair and cherished maiden,
Though her voice with love be laden,
Mark the language of her eye
There each impulse of her soul
Beams for thee in truth and candor;
There her secret passions wander,
There remain beyond control.

The episode ends with A pouring a glass of vodka while making a necklace with ‘Alison's’ teeth. A body bag is shown in the freezer. A is seen unzipping the bag before the screen cuts to black. I believe this is when A manipulates the dental records to make it seem like the body is Bethany Young’s. I think the body is the real Sara Harvey’s and the character we know as Sara Harvey is really Bethany Young.

So as you can see, the PLL story has revolved around eyes, vision and blindness. 

  • ‘I SEE YOU’ has been written on their cars twice
  • There was the ‘eyes’ billboard
  • A has been referred to as “Pretty Eyes” multiple times 
  • An eye was the symbol that was stamped on the wrist of anyone who attended the Kahn’s parties, and was on the box that the girls found the flashdrive of the Dollhouse in “The Wrath of Kahn.” 
  • We have frequently seen an eyeball looking out of a hole 

A see’s EVERYTHING, watches everything.  

And many titles of the episodes are related to eyes, blindness, etc.

 So what is with all of these vision references?????

After I realized that the first photo Bethany drew could be of the Blind School that the girls went to at the end of the summer finale, I decided to look further into her other drawings.

This next one is of Jessica, notice that her EYES are scratched out.

The eyes are completely black in this strange painting as well.

So what is the deal here? Do Bethany’s drawings point to the fact the the Blind School is more important than we originally believed it to be?

Lets go back to that original drawing again:

I think that the boy being taken away from the Blind School is Charles Drake, and the girl chasing after them is Bethany Young. In ‘The Darkest Knight’ when the girls go into the room with all the baby dolls in the cribs, a crazy thought came to me. What if the Blind School is in fact a front for the illegal selling of children. I know this is nuts, but stay with me.

Why on earth would a Blind School have rows and rows of cribs/incubators? I do not think they were using that room to only teach blind people how to take care of children. Let’s remember that Dr. Cochran hinted that he did some shady things with the babies that were born in Radley. Things he wasn’t proud of, to the extend that he is estranged from his daughter, lives in hiding, and is an alcoholic. 

Let’s assume Dr. Cochran is the liaison between the babies born in Radley, and the illegal adoption of children out of the Blind School. Mary gave birth to Charles in Radley, and taken to the Blind School by Dr. Cochran to be put up for adoption. One day, Charles is adopted and taken out of the School. Bethany had become very close him, considered him a brother because they grew up together, and was heartbroken when they were separated. Time passes and Bethany is never adopted. She develops a mental illness, and is put into Radley.  Mary also gave birth Charlotte in Radley (who has always been a girl). Lastly, she gave birth to Spencer while in Radley, and Spencer was illegally sold to the Hastings through the Blind School. I think the dream Spencer had dancing around the bath tubs, was actually in the Blind School, not Radley. 

***I believe the character that we know as Sara Harvey, is NOT the real Sara Harvey. She is actually Bethany Young. So anytime I mention Bethany for now on- she is the infamous Shower queen:

Jessica DiLaurentis marries Kenneth, but has an affair with Mr. Hastings and gives birth to Jason. She adopts Mary’s first child that was born in Radley, Charles from the Blind School. Like I said, Dr. Cochran was the liaison between the children born in Radley, and the Blind School that sells babies. We know Noel Kahn’s father was the “judge” that signed off on the adoptions, so that may be how the Kahn’s made all their money, selling babies on the black market, AND would explain why Noel is wrapped up in all of it. AND would explain why an EYE is the symbol on his party stamps. 

Mary gives birth to Charlotte in Radley, she is never adopted in the Blind School, shows signs of mental illness and is put into Radley. A few years later, Ali was born.

This video, shown in the dollhouse, is of Jessica with her new baby Alison, and Charles and Jason. 

A few months later, little Charles puts Ali in the bathtub one day to try to get her to stop crying. Kenneth freaks out, and demands that he be put into Radley. Jessica is heart broken, but agrees and decides to get on the board of Radley so she can watch over him.  Bethany and Charles are reunited. 

Around the same time Ali is born, Mary gives birth to her THIRD child in Radley, Spencer. Mary either had an affair with Mr. Hastings OR Jessica suggested that Mr. Hastings should adopt Spencer. 

Jessica feels terrible that she had to put Charles into Radley, and decides to find another family to adopt him. 

Originally when I was coming up with this theory, I thought Charles was either Ezra Fitz or Wren Kingston. But it cannot be either of them because Ezra hooked up with Alison which would be his first cousin, and Wren hooked up with Spencer and that would be his sister. So for the sake of this theory making sense and not including incest, I think the only person A.D. could be is Officer Darren Wilden.

So now for the second time, Charles is taken away from Bethany and she is ENRAGED. She drew the picture of Jessica with her eyes scratched out that we spoke about before, with LIAR written all over it:

Bethany HATES Jessica. She took Charles away from her in the Blind School, and then again by getting him adopted into another family.  Jessica is aware that Bethany knows about the illegal selling of children at the Blind School, so Bethany blackmails her. In order to keep Bethany quiet, Jessica buys her clothes (that’s who the second yellow dress hidden in the piano is for), takes her to the horse stables, and has Bethany call her Aunt Jessie.  Bethany and Charles sister, Charlotte, grew up in Radley together and become best friends. They both become insanely jealous of Alison over the years, for getting to live a normal life while they spent their childhood in the Blind School and then grew up in Radley.

Jessica still keeps in touch with the family that adopted Charles because she loves him like a son. She even brings her children, Ali and Jason, to his birthday party, saying it is for their cousin “Freddy.”

This video is of Jason - Charles (Wilden) - Alison

CHARLES– looks SO MUCH like Wilden. 

Even their hair is parted in the same exact way.

Many years go by and Charles eventually finds out who he really is. He reconnects with Bethany, and meets Charlotte- eventually finding out (through his job as a police officer) that she is his sister. They decide they need to get revenge on the entire DiLaurentis family.

Charlotte is also blackmailing Jessica, and uses her to get out-privileges to go to classes at UPenn and get dirt on Alison and the DiLaurentis family. She even goes as far as becoming Jason’s ‘girlfriend,’ and Alison’s best friend.

In a crazy twist of fate, around the same time, the Liars & Alison blind Jenna by throwing the stink bomb into the garage. Jenna starts going to the Blind Rehab Center, becomes close with Noel Kahn, and finds out the truth about the sordid past at the school on Elm Street. 

Wilden became a cop because he will have access to everyone and everything.  He has been sending Ali the A texts for awhile now. 

On “that night” he helped Bethany and Charlotte escape and they plan to kill Ali in front of Jessica in revenge. Ali turned into a spoiled, bitchy girl, when she grew up with all the luxury in the world. That, coupled with their jealousy, makes them want to kill her. They also know this would cause Jessica the most possible pain.

Since Jessica is still buying Bethany clothes, (probably the same clothes she buys Ali) Bethany happens to be wearing the same yellow top as Alison that night. 

Jessica gets a call from Radley that Bethany has escaped, which is why she didn’t want Ali to go out that night. Bethany hits Ali with the rock, which Jessica sees through the window. Jessica buries Alison, thinking she is dead. She knows she cannot tell the police what happened because of the blackmail Bethany has been holding over her head. 

Grunwald pulls Ali out of the ground and Ali flees.

This same night, a girl named Sara Harvey ran away from home. She was also blonde and similar in stature to Ali.  Mona, who has been bullied by Ali for years, hit Sara over the head with a shovel, thinking she is Alison. Melissa comes across Sara’s dead body (who she also thinks is Alison), and thinking Spencer killed her, buried her in the grave Ali was in earlier that night. 

Charles, Bethany, and Charlotte believe that Ali is dead in the grave under the gazebo on the DiLaurentis property. They don’t know that she escaped and went into hiding. 

Everyone, including the Liars, think Alison is a missing person.

Melissa, Charles, Charlotte, Bethany, and Jessica all think she is DEAD. 

When Maya’s family moves into the DiLaurentis house and decide to do some remodeling, they discover the dead body buried under the gazebo. The police are called in.

Charles (WILDEN) is a cop and has access to the body. He see’s through dental records, that the body is of a girl named Sara Harvey, the dead body is NOT Ali. He decides to switch the dental records with Ali’s so it looked like Ali was dead, and no one would go looking for her. NOW WHO WOULD BE THE ONLY ONE ABLE TO DO THAT? A cop!!!! 

Jessica is brought in to identify the body, and she either pretends it’s Ali’s out of fear and confusion, OR because Charles forces her to.

Charles also forces her to dig a grave and to tell Kenneth, and his biological mother Mary, that he has died. He doesn’t want anyone to find out his true identity. 

But now clues start coming that Ali is alive. Charles (Wilden) aggressively tries to find her. He is always accusing the Liars, hoping he will scare them into spilling anything they know. That’s why he started sending the Liars the A texts, to try to blackmail/torture/scare them into giving him information. He belibes they know where Ali is, and are helping her stay hidden, and develops a deep hatred for them. He enlists help from people that hate Ali, like Mona, who give him info on the girls and Ali.

When the cops are forced to reexamine the corpse, they find that it is Bethany Young. ONCE AGAIN Wilden messed with the dental records. The dead girl who was killed that night was the REAL Sara Harvey. She has been dead the whole entire time. Wilden switched it so it would look like Bethany Young was dead (just like he did with his true identity), so she could be freed from Radley and that he could protect her and no one would look for them or suspect them. They are the king and queen of the A Team. 

Charles/Wilden is Black Hoodie 

Bethany/Sara is Red Coat

Charlotte/CeCe is Black Veil

They had many plans set in case they got caught. The first being that Mona would take the fall for being A. She would be in Radley with CeCe to protect her. Remember what she said was she was brought into Radley? 

What WE want. Meaning her, Charles, Bethany, and CeCe.

So quick recap before we continue:

·         Charles Drake is the character we know as Darren Wilden

·         Bethany Young is the character we know as Sara Harvey

·         Charlotte Drake is Charles younger sister (she was NEVER a boy)

Now that it has been discovered that Ali is not dead, the police start to look for her. Noel is helping Ali stay hidden at this time because she was blackmailing him. But as we know, eventually Noel AND Jenna, are on the A team working against Ali and the Liars. 

Charlotte eventually finds out where Ali is, and that she is planning to come back to Rosewood. Charlotte, Bethany and Charles devise a plan: They don’t know if Ali saw them the night they tried to kill her, and they can’t risk her coming back and telling the cops on them.

First, Charles instructs Charlotte to go see Ali, and then to use her Vivian Darkbloom identity to get out of the country so she will be safe. 

He tells Bethany to murder Jessica DiLaurentis, because she is the only one who knows the truth about all of them, and they all hate her. Bethany is safe because the world thinks she is dead.

Finally, Charles decides to fake his own (Wilden’s) death so he will be safe as well. He killed a man with a similar body type to himself, and put the Wilden mask on his face. First of all we know that there are insanely real looking masks in play in this show. We later see Rollins was wearing a WILDEN mask. We know it was a PERFECT mask of his face.

WHY WAS ROLLINS WEARING THE MASK OF WILDEN OF ALL PEOPLE? Because Wilden is Uber A. Rollins is another one of his minions (will get back to that later).

This is the dead body of a man Wilden murdered. He just put a mask of his own face on the body.

Charlotte is waiting out her time in London, while Charles and Bethany continue to monitor the girls in Rosewood.

This is Charles and Bethany (Characters we know as Wilden & Sara)

Time goes by and Charles (with the help of Charlotte and Bethany) continue to torture the girls and Ali. They try to kill her countless times but fail. They decide the ultimate revenge would be for Ali to get convicted of murder, and spend her life in jail. They set the plan to make it look like Mona was murdered. Mona is in on this whole thing. 

Their plan works, and Ali goes to jail on a murder charge.

They decide to build a Dollhouse they will use to torture the remaining Liars for the rest of their lives. (They hate the girls so much because of their loyalty to Alison). Noel and Jenna help.

They devise a plan just in case anything goes wrong. Charlotte would pretend to be Charles DiLaurentis (the transgender son of JESSICA), and tell the crazy story to gain sympathy and avoid jail time. The only person who could prove this was a lie is dead (Jessica). Bethany would pretend to be Sara Harvey, a runaway girl who was kept prisoner there. Mona will pretend that she was brainwashed into believing she was Ali, & drugged and tortured in the Dollhouse. And she should act like she is trying to help the girls, so if anything goes wrong they don’t suspect she was part of it.

And Charles would escape without anyone knowing.

They successfully kidnap the girls and bring them to the Dollhouse. Charles decides that he wants the girls to organize a prom for him as their last act. He plans on killing them with poisonous gas afterwards. He gives Mona a gas mask so that she will survive. If all goes well this will be the end of their revenge. All the girls will die in the Dollhouse, and Ali will spend the rest of her life in prison.

As we know, none of this goes as plan, and the girls escape and Mona, Charlotte and Bethany are forced to stick to the plan they devised as a fail-safe.  Bethany pretends shes Sara, and Mona pretends she was abducted, brainwashed, and held captive.

Bethany pretends to have a crush on Emily to stay close to the girls, and Charles, Bethany and Charlotte try one more time to end it all. Charlotte abducts Ali from the Ice Ball, taking along Kenneth and Jason to make her fake story seem legitimate. Mona and Bethany lure the girls to the Carassimi Group Lair, and they plan to blow them all up. 

Bethany burns her hands and this plan fails as well. Charlotte is forced to pretends she is Charles and that the game is over.

Ali is released from prison, Charlotte is admitted to Welby,  and the game stops for 5 years. 

Over this time, Charles reconnects with his birth mother, Mary. He finds out that Spencer is his other sister. Mary is now helping Charles, Bethany and Charlotte with everything.

Charles arranges fake doctor ID for Charlotte’s boyfriend, Archer Dunhill (Elliot Rollins) and instructs him to take care of Charlotte in Welby. Charles instructs Archer to make Ali fall in love with him as well, so they can plan their ultimate revenge. They have to put the game on hold for the 5 years that Charlotte is in Welby.

The girls all come back to Rosewood and Charlotte is released. Archer succeeds in making Ali fall in love with him, and they marry. 

Then something goes VERY WRONG. Someone murders Charlotte. Charles is devastated and ENRAGED. He vows to find out who killed his beloved sister. 

He starts to use the name ‘A.D’ instead of ‘A’, which stands for AFTER DEATH, in honor of his dead sister. 

Bethany Young moves into the Radley, which is now a hotel, to be close to the action. 

He thinks one of the girls killed Charlotte, and starts to send them messages again.

Meanwhile, Mary and Archer dress up as Jessica and Wilden to make Alison think she is going crazy. Their plan works and she admits herself into Welby.

Hanna pretends it was her, and goes to the Lost Woods to turn herself in (but her and the other Liars are just trying to catch A.D). Their plan goes arry (BECAUSE MONA TELLS A.D. WHAT THEY ARE PLANNING)  and is abducted by A.D. A.D tortures her in the cabin trying to get information out of her.

The Liars start to believe that Ali killed Charlotte, and use the sweater as evidence to get Hanna back. 

Charles uses police tools he still has at his disposal to check the sweater for evidence that Ali killed Charlotte. But he doesn’t find anything.

Isn’t it interesting that when Charles sends the sweater back to Ali he writes “I couldn’t find A SHRED OF EVIDENCE.”

Who talks like this? A POLICE OFFICER!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, When Hanna escapes from the cabin, Mary Drake picks her up. Although she understands her sons need for revenge, she truly feels bad for what he put Hanna through. She also wants to be around her other daughter-Spencer.

Charles instructs Archer to drug and torture Ali in Welby, so everyone thinks she is insane and she can never escape. 

After Charles realizes that the girls know what Archer is doing, he tells her to take her out of Welby and murder her in the woods. Obviously this goes wrong as well, an Archer is killed. 

Now Ali is back home one again. Charles tells Mary to move into the house to watch her. 

Isn’t it SO INTERESTING that that A.D dressed up as a COP when he went into the house and tried to kill Ali???  Wilden is 10000% A.D and Charles.

He has Bethany call Jenna and Noel to help them with their mission. The only people who know A.D’s true identity are Bethany and Charlotte. All the rest are helpers, but have NEVER seen his face.

Something goes really wrong AGAIN when Bethany is murdered in the bathtub. 

I think their are two teams at work here. One is trying to protect the girls (whoever killed Charlotte and Bethany) and then the other is torturing them. 

Now A.D has lost Red Coat AND Black Veil. He is all alone.

He instructs Noel to find out for sure if Spencer is his other sister. That’s why Noel had Mary’s DNA and was trying to contact Dr. Cochran, who helped sell Spencer. 

The girls end up at Aunt Carol’s WHERE THE EMPTY GRAVE OF CHARLES WAS, and goes into the Lair. That lair was NOT Jessica’s. It was his.

He blows it up so they cannot find any evidence. He threatens that if they find out who he is before he finds out who killed Charlotte, he will kill them all.

Then disaster strikes when the girls find the USB of footage from the Dollhouse in Noel’s things. He has Noel break into Spencer’s house and take it back.

But then Hanna abducts Noel. Charles is relieved when Hanna calls Mona for help. He instructs Mona to retrieve the USB. Mona isn’t able to do that without Hanna realizing she is on the A team, so she convinces Hanna to go back to Rosewood. When Hanna leaves, she lets Noel go, and gives the video of what Hanna did to Noel to Charles. Charles blackmails them into bringing the USB to the Blind School-WHERE IT ALL STARTED. Where they were sold as babies!!!

The girls put the USB on the table, and A.D takes it right away. He instructs Noel and Jenna to kill them all because he doesn’t know what they saw. Mary is there as well. But then Noel is decapitated when he is trying to kill them. Jenna blindly tries to kill them, but ends up shooting Spencer.

Mary intervenes at this point, because she cannot bare to watch her daughter die.

A.D pulls Jenna out of the house. Once again, the girls have escaped, and he needs to make a new plan.

The HUGE missing question: Who is Charles, Charlotte and Spencer’s biological father?

I can’t wait to see what happens next! 7 more months!!!

It has taken me forever to write this theory, I know it’s crazy but I really think this could be it. Please let me know what you think.

Thank you SO much for reading! xoxoxoox

The Prize

Summary: AU Tom, set in early 19th c. London.  Madeleine and Tom have known each other since they were teenagers (her brother is married to his sister). Can they overcome their fears and choose each other?  

Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama 

Rating: T - non-explicit sexuality/adult situations/mild violence/scenes of thematic peril (I LOVE SAYING THAT)

Author’s Notes:  Written as an experiment in the heaving bosom/bodice ripper vein.  Continued beyond the first chapter because I’m a sucker for praise and people enjoyed it and wanted more.  I am not a Historian, so I am sure there are technical problems/inaccuracies of the period.  Sue me. :)

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8

Reaction Ficlet: How Rap monster would react to your first time together

Reaction Ficlet Masterpost: How BTS would react to your first time together

Originally posted by 98a

You lay on your stomach on a blanket on the lounge floor, the soft sound of the rain outside filling the silence. Next to you, Rap Monster lays on his back, staring at the ceiling. He turns to give you a look.

“Why did you stop?” he asks.

You hesitate, racing to find an acceptable answer. Today was supposed to be your third date with Rap Monster and he had planned on taking you to the park to have a picnic. But just as he had gotten to your flat, the rain clouds that had been hanging heavily over the city for the past day had suddenly burst and heavy, insistent rain had begun to fall.

Instead, the two of you had pushed your couch aside and had decided to have the picnic in your lounge.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

another vote for a bible story, which one are you thinking of?

I am thinking of - and have indeed prepared - the story of Samson and Delilah! 

There is a small disclaimer regarding the treatment of religious texts in modern society under the Read More, as well as some very brief discussions of comparative literature. One disclaimer here, though - comments about the religious authenticity or lack thereof of this text are not welcome. This story has been retold as a work of narrative fiction, as have all other retellings I’ve done. All stories are on the same level playing field in that respect, and I would appreciate it if people could refrain from insinuating otherwise. I don’t encourage Bible bashing in any sense. No belief system is above or below any other.

If you don’t want to read the poorly retold tale of a man with a perpetual bad hair day and an aversion to marriage counselling, press J on your keyboard to skip!

God Hates Hairdressers

So, this story starts with a dude named Manoah and his barren wife. His wife doesn’t have a name, because the Bible isn’t really interested in her role in the narrative beyond her empty womb, but I’m not down with that, so let’s call her Jill. Anyway, one day, Jill is just sort of chilling by herself while Manoah is doing important manly shit that doesn’t involve wombs, when suddenly this angel just appears right next to her and the angel is like “yo Jill, you know how you’re barren?” and Jill is like “yeah, that’s a thing that I am” and the angel is like “and you know how you totally can’t ever have kids?” and Jill sighs and says “is there a point to this or are you just making a statement about women’s role within the society of Zorah” and the angel chuckles and says “dude, next time you’re bemoaning women’s rights in this shitty little valley, make sure you use the past tense, because BAM, you’re totally going to get all sprogged up soon with the raddest baby ever and everything is going to be absolutely fucking awesome” and Jill is like “wow, how rad on a scale of one to ten?” and the angel is all “well, you know how the Philistines are arseholes?” and Jill says “yes but why are we having this conversation entirely through the medium of rhetorical questions?” and the angel is like “getting real for a sec, your kid is going to be really instrumental in the freeing of the Israelites from the Philistines, and God thinks that your womb is the only womb for the job.”

Jill, being something of an amateur historian, is like “but didn’t God basically deliver the Israelites into the hands of the Philistines to teach them a lesson about worshipping him properly?” and the angel waves his hand airily and says “let bygones be bygones, Jill, and listen closely to my advice, because this pregnancy isn’t something you can navigate by the weighty tomes of My Baby Body and Me” and Jill is like “you mean I can’t just eat ice cream for nine months and make my husband give me foot massages?” and the angel is like “no, you can totally do that, but you also have to abstain completely from drinking any wine” and Jill is like “pretty sure that advice is in every baby textbook ever” and the angel says “also your son must never drink wine or cut his hair, because them’s the Nazirite rules” and Jill is like “OK, I totally hear you, but also I think I should probably tell my husband” and the angel is like “good luck explaining why your son’s hairstyle is going to be dictated by God forever” and fucks off.

When Jill tells Manoah about the day’s events, his first reaction is basically “holy shit, have you been partaking of the fruits of the vine because seriously, you sound like my uncle at a wedding” and Jill is like “fucking Hell, fine, I’ll get the angel to come back and tell you himself” and Manoah nods sagely and says “it’s for the best, Jill, I need to hear this news from the lips of a man or it means nothing to me as a Biblical male figure” and Jill gives him the middle finger and stomps off to mope in a field.

Eventually, the angel returns and Jill is like “for fuck’s sake, I specifically asked that you went to speak to my husband. Men” and she goes to find Manoah, and when Manoah gets there, he asks the angel what the frickety frack paddlewhack is going on. The angel just sort of looks at Manoah and says “dude, didn’t your wife tell you?” and Manoah looks really sheepish and he’s like “she said some shit about having a baby and not drinking wine and also that maybe he would ultimately save the Israelites from being enslaved by the Philistines, but you know. Women” and the angel just nods sagely and says “women” and then he high fives Manoah and Jill just sort of wonders why she’s even here at all, apart from her womb. Then Manoah burns some meat and the angel disappears and everything is absolutely stellar.

So, Jill gives birth to her radical baby and she names him Samson, and like a good Biblical mother, she does all the shit that she’s supposed to do. She doesn’t let him drink wine, even when he’s like “but mum, all my friends are drinking in the park and I don’t want to be that teetotal loser at a party who can’t get any girls”, and she doesn’t cut his hair even when he’s like “but mum, all my friends have got really cool hairstyles with, like, shaved bits, and I look like Tarzan on a gap year” and everything is fine. Samson drinks his milk and grows up to be big and strong.

Except he’s not just big and strong; he’s essentially like Dwayne Johnson if Dwayne Johnson were allowed to grow wild and untamed, unrestrained by the casting conventions of Hollywood. Dude can lift mountains. No, literally. He is physically capable of lifting mountains. He really is that strong. He makes the cast of The Expendables look like Jesse Eisenberg. I cannot exaggerate this dude’s strength.

Many years pass, and honestly, I don’t even have time to go into all the cool shit that Samson does in these years. Those are rad stories for another time. But basically, all you need to know is that after a few years spent absolutely bloody sticking it to the proverbial Philistine Man through a series of incredibly macho events that would make the RSPCA quiver with rage, such as tearing a lion apart with his bare hands and eating honey from its corpse, killing 1,000 men with the jawbone of a donkey, and setting 300 foxes on fire and destroying all the crops in sight, Samson ends up right at the top of the Philistines’ carefully composed list of ‘People We Don’t Like Very Much and Would Subsequently Quite Like to Dispatch in a Series of Creative Ways, Possibly Involving Maiming and / or Mutilation’. It’s a long list.

As well as being at the top of this list, Samson also finds himself in the valley of Sorek, which just so happens to be the hometown of an absolutely smokin’ lil piece named Delilah. Delilah, who happens to be the only woman gifted with a name in this entire story, is basically the Biblical Marilyn Monroe. She’s all curvaceous of bod and lustrous of hair, and her dimples do this really alluring thing when she smiles at that joke you just told, the one about your job that you always worried wasn’t actually that funny but Delilah seems to find hilarious – and now she’s playing footsie with you under the table and looking up at you from under her lashes and telling you that you should be a comedian, and the next thing you know, you’re two condoms short of a packet and your wallet’s missing, but you don’t even mind because you learnt things about your body that you never knew.

Anyway, Samson meets Delilah at Sorek, and immediately he’s just like “right, well, I know I have a history of making terrible choices with women, and my last wife betrayed me to the Philistines and then married my best friend and tried to convince me to marry her sister instead, but I have a feeling that this woman is The One. I think it’s the heaving bosom that’s done that, honestly” and Delilah just sort of flutters her eyelashes and says “you’re so big and so strong, Samson, let us be wed immediately, and I promise you that I definitely won’t ever make good on that really obvious foreshadowing, 100% honest intentions up in here” and Samson just looks at the plush curve of her cupid’s bow and says “I absolutely accept, let’s marry the fuck out of each other” and they do.

After a few weeks of wedded bliss, Delilah is out doing her weekly shoe shop when she’s approached by a gang of Philistines. She’s all “well, I definitely did not see this coming, this is a complete surprise, I had no idea that Samson was even affiliated with the Philistines in any way, shape or form” and the leader of the Philistines just stares into the molten brown of her eyes and says “we need you to do us a favour” and he does a stellar job of not making any innuendos out of it whatsoever. Delilah puts down her bag of Louboutins and she’s all “boys, I am not that kind of lady, and if you think I’m going to do anything against my husband, then you will be sorely disappointed” but she totally winks theatrically as she says it and the leader of the Philistines is like “well, hypothetically, we definitely wouldn’t be willing to give you a vast amount of money to find out the secret of your husband’s strength” and Delilah is like “how vast a quantity of money would you hypothetically be unwilling to give?” and he’s like “I don’t know, maybe eleven hundred pieces of silver?” and Delilah is like “holy shit, that’s like four pairs of Louboutins, consider me well and truly not at all in but also totally in on your entirely hypothetical plan” and she walks off and one of the Philistines just says “what a woman” and another one hushes him.

When Delilah gets home, she goes up to Samson and she starts playing with one of the seven locks of hair on his head, and she’s like “honey bear, you know how you love me more than anything?” and Samson is like “I do know that actually, what do you want?” and she’s all “well, if you really loved me, you’d tell me what makes you so big and strong and handsome and broad in the shoulder” and Samson is like “oh, well, I can’t really say, but let me just tell you that it would sure be a party pooper if someone were to tie me up with seven green willow branches that have never been dried. Boy, that would really rain on my parade” and Delilah grins seductively and says “I hope no-one ever does that to you, sugar muffin” and then they go to bed.

When Samson wakes up, he finds that he’s been tied to the bed with seven green willow branches, and he’s like “what the fuck, Delilah” and Delilah is like “the Philistines are totally gonna cream your ass now” and Samson just flexes his impressive chest and the branches snap off, like some kind of weird botanic strip tease, and he’s all “they’re going to have to do better than that if they want any dairy related action to occur on these gluteal muscles” and he goes to work.

Later that evening, Delilah sidles up to him and she’s wearing her fanciest lingerie, the set with little bows on the thigh high stockings, and she’s like “baby, if you loved me at all, you’d tell me the truth about your strength” and Samson sighs and he’s all “are we still on this?” and Delilah winks and says “you could be on me if you just told me how to make you weak and puny, purely for trust reasons” and Samson rolls his eyes and says “OK, I lied to you before. The truth is that if someone were to tie me up with new ropes that have never been used, I’d instantly become pastier than Michael Cera” and Delilah cocks her head and says “baby, we should try something new in the bedroom tonight” and then she gets these brand new ropes and ties him up. She’s all “I tricked you good and proper there, the Philistines are gonna have your nuts for breakfast”, but Samson just unties the ropes and he’s like “I don’t think I like bondage much, and you should tell the Philistines that a breakfast with too much protein will unsettle their stomachs” and he goes to sleep.

The next morning, Delilah is like “can you seriously just fucking tell me, because I’m your wife and I need to know your weakness so that I can keep you safe” and Samson is like “but you’ve literally tried everything that you thought would make me lose my strength” and she’s all “yeah, to see if I could trust you, and clearly I can’t because your pecs are still rippling like the goddamn ocean” and Samson is like “well, if I can trust you, then can you promise not to tie my seven locks of hair together while I sleep?” and Delilah is like “why, would that make you puny?” and Samson says “it certainly wouldn’t help with my rigorous fitness regime” and Delilah is all “cross my heart, I won’t tie your locks together”, and then she waits for him to fall asleep and she weaves his hair together, because neither of them have learnt that their marriage is built on nothing but raw sexual magnetism and they should probably see a couples’ counsellor.

When Samson wakes up, he’s just like “goddamn it, Delilah” and he lets his hair down and flexes his guns, and Delilah starts crying and says “I can’t believe you lied to me again, how can we move past this marital issue if you don’t trust me?” and Samson just throws his hands in the air and says “how can I trust you when you keep doing shit like this?” and Delilah is like “I bet you trusted your last wife” and Samson is all “yeah, and she betrayed me to the Philistines” and Delilah blinks a few times and makes a tear fall artfully down her cheekbone, and she says “I would never betray you to the Philistines, baby, you have to remember that I’m not your ex-wife” and Samson takes her sobbing frame in his powerful arms and murmurs “I know, baby” into the crook of her neck, and as she cries, he just whispers “I trust you not to cut my hair, and no jokes this time, this is me taking a leap of faith to save our marriage” and Delilah hiccoughs tearfully and says “for real this time?” and Samson nods and says “for really real” and Delilah manages to make herself smile sadly and says “thank you for trusting me, honey, I promise I won’t cut your hair off while you sleep tonight” and Samson is like “Awesome, I am so glad that we have turned a new chapter in our marriage and I’m not going to wake up bald.”

The next morning, Samson wakes up bald, and his room is full of Philistines and Delilah is standing at the end of the bed with her arms folded across her chest, grinning sardonically, and before he can shout something about the marital bonds of trust having been broken, he’s been captured by the Philistines, having broken his Nazirite oath and lost God’s help, and he’s just like “I think we should try a trial separation, honey” and then this Philistine comes up to him and he’s like “how would you like to try a trial separation from your eyes?” and Samson is like “I’ve considered it thoroughly and no, that is not something that I would be interested in trying” and the Philistine looks back at his boss for instructions on what to do next and his boss just sighs and he’s like “obviously he’s not going to agree, just give him the ocular divorce anyway” and that is a thing that happens, unfortunately. Old Testament is bloody as fuck.

A few years pass, during which Samson is forced to labour for the Philistines, and basically he really regrets his haircut, even though he’s always thought that his jaw would look more chiselled with short hair, which is a hypothesis he is now unable to test due to being blind. One day, a Philistine comes to collect him. He leads him to the temple, which is absolutely jammed full of people, and Samson is like “where are we, because I have an important millstone that needs turning regularly” and the Philistine is like “we’re at the temple where we’re going to offer you to our god, Dagon, because he’s a rad dude and he lets us cut our hair without sapping our strength like a bad marriage” and Samson is like “by ‘offer’, do you mean you’re going to wrap me up with a neat little bow or that you’re going to slaughter me horribly” and the Philistine is like “probably a combination of both, if I’m honest” and Samson is like “brilliant, that all sounds really great and I’d love to participate to the best of my ability, but in order to do that, I think I’ll need a little rest. Would you mind terribly if I just had a little lean against the nearest pillar?” and the Philistine sighs and he’s like “just a small lean, mind” and Samson agrees and he’s like “the tiniest of leans” and the Philistine leads him over to the nearest structural pillar.

While he’s leaning against the pillar, Samson mutters “OK, God, it’s been years and my hair is totally doing its Jason Momoa thing again, so maybe you could cut me some slack on my accidentally breaking the Nazirite oath and give me my strength back?” and God doesn’t say anything, because God is the strong and silent type, but Samson immediately feels his strength flow back into his body, and he turns his face up to the Heavens, towards the sky he could have seen had he not been robbed of sight, and he cries out “let me die with the Philistines!” and he pushes against the pillars with all his might, and with a mighty crash the entire temple falls down and kills everyone inside, including Samson, and Jill’s one-trick womb comes good in the end.

My other retellings can be found here; my dedicated mythology blog is here; and my Mythology Mondays Facebook page is here. The latter two links also allow you to follow my progress in writing a whole actual book. Thrilling.

Disclaimer: there is no proof that God looks any less kindly upon hairdressers whatsoever. Unless you’re a hairdresser who breaks the Nazirite oath, in which case, avoid Philistines.

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