heaven-for-real

When you die you find out heaven is real. Well actually all versions of heaven are real and you apply for them like colleges, you get denial letters and can transfer. You may not get into Catholic heaven, Mormon heaven, or Muslim heaven, but you may be a shoe in for Valhalla.

Applying for Afterlife

[WP]When you die you find out heaven is real. Well actually all versions of heaven are real and you apply for them like colleges, you get denial letters and can transfer. You may not get into Catholic heaven, Mormon heaven, or Muslim heaven, but you may be a shoe in for Valhalla.


Were you a good person?

The question was the first of many that ran through the litany of papers resting on Jennifer’s lap. She had to contort her legs into an uncomfortable pretzel shape to make an appropriate writing surface. She hated reading and writing in cars, and a bus like the one she was on wasn’t an exception, but she had to finish the application if she had any hope of being brought back to life.

A group of people are on one set of train tracks, and a single person is on another, you could have thrown a switch that will direct an incoming train way from the group to the single person. Did you throw the switch?

Before waking up on the bus, she had been at her grandmother’s house enjoying tofu turkey. Despite her grandfather and her husband’s grumbling, Nana went through the effort of creating an entire meal that included enough vegetarian options to fill up Jennifer after one of her typical Thanksgiving gorges and a full traditional meal of dead animal carcasses for everyone else. Unfortunately, even though Nana was a fantastic cook, she still made mistakes. Like overcooking a piece of vegetarian Cornish game hen to the point where it stuck to Jennifer’s esophagus and refused to let go despite her husband’s best efforts to dislodge it with his version of the Heimlich maneuver.

Hurting animals is inexcusable. Would you have agreed with this statement?

Jennifer had woken up on this bus next to a man who had been wearing camo fatigues. He had a terrible hole that went through his chest and burned his clothes. She cringed when she saw that the depressing pattern of nineties triangles and circles printed on the bus seat through the hole. After a mild bout of shock and panic, Jennifer was able to calm herself enough to ask the man some questions about where they were and where they were heading. Purgatory, apparently, like the show Lost, but less deceit and social drama and more like the typical waiting room, or bus in this case, between Earth and Heaven. The bus made the rounds between all the different heavens, yes all of them, and dropped you off based on what you filled out on your form. The man got off at a tree that was as wide as a city block and stretched into the heavens like a giant. “Yggdrasil,” he said with a frown. Apparently not his first choice, but good enough.

A cat is in a box. In the box is a vial of poison gas that will, at random, break and kill the cat. You could not see the cat. Would you have said that the cat is alive or dead?

Jennifer got frustrated with the questions and tried to skip ahead and look for religion-specific ones, particularly ones that mentioned reincarnation, but the pages were blank and only revealed the next question in after she answered the previous one. She circled ‘alive’ and tapped her foot as the letters to the next question began to appear on the page. She was going to be reincarnated dammit, it wasn’t her time to go. She had a family, and she needed them as much as they needed her.

If you had known you were going to die, would you have wished to try life again after death?

Jennifer circled ‘yes’ for this one without hesitating. This was the closest question she got to reincarnation; surely more were to follow. A part of her hated how the application assumed that only her thoughts and actions in the past carried weight. She could still do things and make choices. Once she was alive again, of course, but that was beyond the point.

Your family was running from a man who said he would kill them. The man had stopped to ask you where they were hiding. Would you have-

Jennifer rolled her eyes and circled ‘yes.’

Would you have killed-

Jennifer circled no.

If you could have-

Yes.

Did karma play any role in your life? 

Karma, what goes around comes around; Jennifer knew that. A lot of religions with reincarnation believed in it: it determined if a person was reborn as a human or a bug, or something like that. She circled yes.

Could you have-

Yes.

Three monks were trapped on a mountain, you-

No.

Is lying wrong?

Jennifer stared at the question. It was worded differently than the previous ones. It was simple enough for her though. Yes.

The application disappeared from her lap, and a slight panic overtook her. There weren’t any more questions on reincarnation like she had been expecting. She looked around to the other people on the bus and found that she was the only one left, save for the bus driver. Night had fallen while she was focused on rushing through the application. She didn’t even notice the transition and thought it was particularly odd that purgatory would have night and day, or was that odd at all? She really didn’t know.

The squeal of brake on wheel filled the air, and the bus ground to a halt. Jennifer looked out the window and saw a house that could have fit along the side of a Revolutionary War battlefield. Lanterns lit the front door with a flickering light that illuminated a man standing on the house’s step.

“This is your stop ‘mam,” the bus driver said. Jennifer nearly jumped out of her seat, he stood next to her and she didn’t hear him walk towards her.

“Where is this?” she asked.

The bus driver shrugged, “I don’t drop many people off here. Never bothered to learn its name. Off you go now.”

He led her off the bus and drove away, leaving her in the dark. The house and its usher were the only things she could see. The figure waved, and after a bit of hesitation, Jennifer walked to the door.

“Jennifer Cole?” the man asked with a German accent. He wore a powdered wig, and had a button-up jacket with brass buttons the size of quarters.

“Yes… Where am I?” she asked.

“A question you are well-deserved of an answer for. This house, its grounds and interiors, and its inhabitants make up all that exists of Kantland.”

“What the hell did you just say?” Jennifer wanted to slap the man.

“Sorry, English is hard on my tongue. Kantland, after Immanuel Kant. Father of Kantianism, et cetera.”

Jennifer stared at the man without speaking.

“I appreciate your dedication to your own personal good. As do all followers of Kant.”

Jennifer guessed that Kant was actually spelt with a ‘Ka’ rather than the ‘Cu” the man seemed to be pronouncing. “To be reincarnated, right? You do that here, right?”

The man smiled, “Ah, your personal good was to game that novel of an application? Getting home to serve others I surmise? Half of the people here tried a similar thing. It’s the last question that guarantees them a trip here, ‘Is lying wrong?’ Well, yes, it is. But you lied through the test with the goal to return to life, regardless of consequence. A bit of a conundrum, but we like those. Please come inside.”

The man opened the door, revealing a mundane room for an afterlife. Hardwood floors and pale wallpaper covered in flowers. A ring of people sat in the middle of the room, and all of them looked terribly bored.

“So do you reincarnate people or not? I have a husband who would like his wife back alive,” Jennifer said before stepping inside.

The man shook his head, “Oh my, no. And I do apologize about your husband’s loss, but we do spend a great deal of time discussing if reincarnation is a good thing or not.”

He chuckled as he led Jennifer inside. She walked in with head hung low, along with the wish that she had lied on the last question. If she were to spend eternity anywhere without her family, at least she would have liked to spend it somewhere a little more fun.

HEAVEN FOR REAL vs OLD AND WEIRD

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Travis catches up with OLD AND WEIRD and HEAVEN FOR REAL after a backyard show! It’s a ramshackle interview covering disgusting road food and James Franco!

Plus new tunes, and more! Hear these songs:

Old & Weird - Split 7" w/ New Fries - Yes I Care
Heaven For Real - Split 7" w/ Homebody - O So Tired
Old & Weird - Split 7" w/ New Fries - Kirkobaine
Heaven For Real - Craft Single - You Are The One With The Iron-Heart Device
Old & Weird - What I Saw - Awake My Face Alive

Homebody - Split 7” w/ Heaven For Real - Vestigial Organ
New Fries - Split 7" w/ Old & Weird - Jazz

Institute - Catharsis - Perpetual Ebb
Dope Body - Kunk - Old Grey
Dilly Dally - Sore - Purple Rage
Destruction Unit - Negative Feedback Resistor - If Death Ever Slept

Babysitter - Babysitter - Exploding Youth
No Aloha - No Problemo - Feelies

Homeshake - Midnight Snack - Heat


Originally aired Sept. 24, 2015

Loving The Same Book

“There are no faster or firmer friendships than those formed between people who love the same books.”

This is just speculation, but there’s a truthfulness in these words. What if you actually encounter one person in your life and that person literally have read and loved what you have read? It must be real heaven, a truly wonderful event in one’s life.

This alone qualifies the beginning of firm connections between and among exploring beings. 

RIP FUN BOY CLUB HOUSE!

NEW TUNES GALORE! Hear the best new releases before the new year, plus a set of Craft Single favourites, and a tribute to the FUN BOY CLUB HOUSE, home of the NEW SWEARS.

RIP Fun Boy Club House.

Crystal Stilts - Nature Noir - Spirit in Front of Me
Night Beats - Sonic Bloom - Sonic Bloom
The Obits - Taste The Diff - Bed & Bugs
Jacuzzi Boys - Hotline - Jacuzzi Boys

Solids - Off White - Blame Confusion
King Krule - Easy Easy from 6 Feet Beneath The Moon
Dog Day - Sunset - Fade Out
La Luz - It’s Alive - It’s Alive

The Ketamines - So Hot! - So Hot!
Invasions - Born On A Wave - Invasions
Freelove Fenner - Do Not Affect a Breezy Manner - Dr. D

Special Costello - Craft Singles Vol 3 & 4 - Chlorinated Lung
Old & Weird - Craft Singles Vol 3 & 4 - Minstrel Rock
Heaven For Real - Craft Singles Vol 3 & 4 - You Are The One With The Iron Heart Device
Yellowteeth - Craft Singles Vol 3 & 4 - Repo

New Swears - New Swears - Paradise

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