5 strategies Bond uses to try to get an exploding pen out of Q and 1 time he doesn’t have to try
(Also on AO3)
1. Bedroom eyes:
“Off you fuck, go lay someone who doesn’t have more important things to do,” Q says cheerfully.
Bond leaves Q Branch empty-handed.
“The answer is still no,” Q says, breaking the gourmet chocolate bar in half. He hands one half to Bond and takes an enormous bite out of the other half. “Mmmmm. Feel free to keep trying, though,” he says.
There’s already a chocolate smudge at the corner of Q’s mouth, and for a moment Bond forgets the pen in favor of fantasizing about interesting ways to clean Q up.
(Q’s answer is the same for the stolen German prototype and the miraculously-returned-in-one-piece Walther. In the latter case, Q takes the time to press a ‘Good job’ sticker onto one of Bond’s hideously expensive lapels and sends him an e-ticket to a Bon Jovi concert.
It’s the first concert Bond has been to in years that isn’t work-related, and it’s brilliant.)
“For the thousandth time, no, 007,” Q says. “I will not make you an exploding car, pen, boat, shoe, tie, or tube of toothpaste. At this rate, however, I may well be tempted into designing an exploding condom just to see if you try to use it.”
Bond begins, “I had no idea you would be so interested in what I do with my–”
“–with your only exploding device?” Q interrupts dryly. “Metaphorically speaking, that is. Literally, you don’t have any.”
“Yet,” Bond says. “I don’t have any yet.”
Q doesn’t kick him out, so Bond sticks around, gossiping with the other boffins, observing Q, and mourning the fact that the C4 is kept in a room with special “No 00s Allowed” security measures.
He’s been hanging around Q Branch a lot, lately. The annoyance strategy requires frequent contact in order to wear down the target’s endurance, after all.
In the early days he had toyed with the idea of tricking one of Q’s staff into retrieving something from the armory for him, but most of them had demonstrated commendable loyalty and a surprising amount of spine when it came time to turn him down. He had exactly one taker, a lonely technician named Tom Watts who’d only wanted a nice date and a good fuck for his troubles, and somehow Bond’s feet had taken him to Q’s office shortly after that conversation, to report this potential breach in security.
He doesn’t only want an exploding pen, it seems. He wants Q to be the one to give it to him.