heat sensitive ink

5 strategies Bond uses to try to get an exploding pen out of Q and 1 time he doesn’t have to try  

(Also on AO3

***

1. Bedroom eyes:

“Off you fuck, go lay someone who doesn’t have more important things to do,” Q says cheerfully.

Bond leaves Q Branch empty-handed.

2. Bribery:

“The answer is still no,” Q says, breaking the gourmet chocolate bar in half. He hands one half to Bond and takes an enormous bite out of the other half. “Mmmmm. Feel free to keep trying, though,” he says.

There’s already a chocolate smudge at the corner of Q’s mouth, and for a moment Bond forgets the pen in favor of fantasizing about interesting ways to clean Q up.

(Q’s answer is the same for the stolen German prototype and the miraculously-returned-in-one-piece Walther. In the latter case, Q takes the time to press a ‘Good job’ sticker onto one of Bond’s hideously expensive lapels and sends him an e-ticket to a Bon Jovi concert.

It’s the first concert Bond has been to in years that isn’t work-related, and it’s brilliant.)  

3. Annoyance:

“For the thousandth time, no, 007,” Q says. “I will not make you an exploding car, pen, boat, shoe, tie, or tube of toothpaste. At this rate, however, I may well be tempted into designing an exploding condom just to see if you try to use it.”

Bond begins, “I had no idea you would be so interested in what I do with my–”

“–with your only exploding device?” Q interrupts dryly. “Metaphorically speaking, that is. Literally, you don’t have any.”

“Yet,” Bond says. “I don’t have any yet.”

Q doesn’t kick him out, so Bond sticks around, gossiping with the other boffins, observing Q, and mourning the fact that the C4 is kept in a room with special “No 00s Allowed” security measures.

He’s been hanging around Q Branch a lot, lately. The annoyance strategy requires frequent contact in order to wear down the target’s endurance, after all.

In the early days he had toyed with the idea of tricking one of Q’s staff into retrieving something from the armory for him, but most of them had demonstrated commendable loyalty and a surprising amount of spine when it came time to turn him down. He had exactly one taker, a lonely technician named Tom Watts who’d only wanted a nice date and a good fuck for his troubles, and somehow Bond’s feet had taken him to Q’s office shortly after that conversation, to report this potential breach in security.

He doesn’t only want an exploding pen, it seems. He wants Q to be the one to give it to him.

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anonymous asked:

(Martial arts/puzzle anon) I guess any type of puzzle. And which you find most entertaining :3

@doctor-maelstorm

Lethal and Entertainment 

* I SUPPOSE MY ENTERTAINMENT DERIVES FROM MY INTENT AND PURPOSE. FOR EXAMPLE, LAST WINTER, ONE OF OUR RESERVES WERE AMBUSHED BY AN ENEMY FAMILY.

* LUCKILY, IT WAS A RIGGED ONE, SO NO VITAL INVENTORY WAS LOST. HOWEVER, THEY MANAGED TO HURT SOME OF MY MEN.

* I PUNISHED THEM OF COURSE. I DID NOT TRAIN MY MEN TO BE SO WORTHLESS! AS FOR THE ASSAILANTS… 

* WHILE I LIKE MY PUZZLES AND TRAPS TO BE CHALLENGING, ANYONE WHO IS FOOLISH AND SUICIDAL ENOUGH TO DARE TOUCH THE FAMILY WILL BE REMOVED.

* I HAVE MANY TRAPS AND REVENGE CONTINGENCIES HOWEVER! THIS IS MY FAVORITE FOR LEISURE: DEADLY BITES.

* (…I DID NOT NAME IT.)

* BASICALLY, THE STEEL BOMB IS COATED IN A LAYER OF NICE CREAM. ONCE THE CANVAS IS PULLED AS THE ENEMY TAKES A BITE, THEY HAVE EXACTLY SEVEN SECONDS UNTIL IT EXPLODES THE SURROUNDING AREA. ENOUGH TIME FOR THE ALERT TO SURVIVE WITH CRITICAL DAMAGE AND THE FOOLISH TO DIE BLEEDING OR DUSTING.

* …THE HEAT-SENSITIVE INK WAS, AGAIN, NOT MY IDEA.

* NICE CREAM AND OTHER CONSUMABLE PRODUCTS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAGIC ARE QUITE RARE IN THE UNDERWORLD. SO TAKING “CONQUERED” INVENTORY IS COMMONPLACE HERE, WHICH BRINGS SUCCESS RATE OF THIS TRAP TO APPROXIMATELY 80%.

* YOU SEE, I PREFER QUICKER DEATHS. SO YOU CAN SEE WHY I USE THIS METHOD WHEN I AM FEELING PARTICULARLY VENGEFUL.

* WORD CARRIED BY VERMIN LIKE THEM SPREAD FAST. LOWERS MORALE AND DIMINISHES HOPE FAIRLY QUICKLY.

* IT IS QUITE SATISFYING WATCHING THEM SQUIRM AND KILL THEMSELVES. IT IS LIKE TRAPPING RATS IN A BUCKET. THEY’LL EAT AWAY AT EACH OTHER BEFORE THEY ALL DIE.