heartbreaking*

Learning to be okay without him is weird.
I swear I’ll be fine for weeks,
but one morning I’ll wake up
and my heart feels heavy for no reason at all
And I feel like I lost him all over again.
It’s just hard, you know?
Thinking you’re making all this progress only for it to be ruined when you see someone else brush their hair out of their eyes the same way he used to.
One little thing, and bam-
You start thinking that you’ll never be able to live without hearing his laugh ever again.
—  I’m okay, but I’m not really okay

I don’t think you’ll ever stop being the main character in my story. You might never think of me, maybe one day in October when coffee burns your lips like I do. Maybe when you wonder why you don’t like the smell of bubblegum anymore but love it all too much. Maybe that will be the extent of it. Maybe I’ll be a passing thought.

But not you. Every song is going to whisper your name, every lovely thought will feel like falling asleep in your arms and every new relationship will remind me of all the ways that they could never be you.


You won’t be my past. You’ll be my present and future and all the darkness in between. I’m never going to stop wondering if you’re looking at the same sky, I’m never going to stop wondering where you’re waking up, and who you’re waking up beside.

Maybe I’ll be bitter, nostalgic, angry, happy or just excruciatingly lonely. But I’ll never stop writing about you. No day will go by without remembering the things you made me feel, and the ways you made me myself.

One day you will be long gone, and somehow you’ll be everything but.

—  the air that I breathe ~ blue-delusion