heartache writing

I miss you"

“I miss you too”

“I know you miss me but that doesn’t mean you love me right?”

“No I guess not but just know I still care about you”

“Stop! You can’t tell me you miss me and and…and you care about me but then tell me you don’t love me. That isn’t something I can just be OKAY with.”

“I guess I don’t know how to love.

—  Tenari Ioapo // excerpt from a book I may write. .

I want to think
that you did this
for the both of us,
to help us,
because it was
the right thing
to do.

I’d like to believe
that it wasn’t
an easy decision
to come to,
that it wasn’t selfish
but selfless.

And I want to imagine
that you did this
not out of hate or spite,
but out of love.

And that
what we had
was wonderful,
but in the end
was only practice
for us both.

And that now,
what we have
that you
gave us both
was a chance
to grow apart,
for ourselves,
to find ourselves,

and that honestly,
it might have been
the most unselfish,
the most sincere,
the last great act
of love that you
could give to me,

not to have
or to belong,
but to just be.

And from the bottom
of my heart,
I want to say,
I’m sorry,
I miss you,
thank you,

and I hope
one day to
make you proud
of the man
I finally become.

—  the words still haven’t run out (6/27/17), thekaijusleeps
lust and loneliness are always mistakenly seen as equivalents for love.
—  excerpt from a book i’ll never write #17

People will hold and admire roses so much, they don’t ever realize they’re bleeding from the thorns.

They’re so in love with something that they can’t let go, even when they’re getting hurt.

—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #44 // @loveactivist
At some point you’re gonna have to choose who you love the most. Them or yourself.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #13 // a.s
She laughed so hard—
so happy and loud
as she sprinkled
rainbow vibes
around,
and yet only
the moon
witnessed
all her
silent cries—
whenever
her heart
felt lonely
at night.
—  ma.c.a // Under the Stars

you don’t stop
loving someone
just because
you don’t talk
to each other
anymore.

you don’t start
hating someone
just because
things got tough
or wasn’t all
sunshine and
butterflies
the whole time.

sometimes
things work out,
sometimes
they don’t,

sometimes shit
just happens,
and that’s okay.

love is really,
fucking complicated
guys.
but go with it
when you find it
anyways.

you might
get lucky
or you might not,
but either way
you can say you
tried and learned.

and that’s
important
too.

—  trying to learn from what happened (6/21/17), thekaijusleeps
I wonder if you look at me and feel all the crazy things I feel when I look at you.
—  Tenari Ioapo // Or do you look at me and feel nothing at all because you’re only in love with the idea of me?
What if someone who is so constant suddenly disappears out of your life? Maybe that’s why, I don’t like getting attached. I don’t like the idea of giving someone the power to destroy my heart by choosing to walk away. I want to guard my heart. I want to save myself.

“When a heart breaks, what sound does it make?”

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is a silence, because when a heart breaks, the person becomes the definition of emptiness. Even when their world crumbles and falls apart in their hands, it is silent. There’s a cruel realization in heartbreak, and it’s that you know you’re about to live where the sun no longer shines; where you can’t even see that your clouds have gone to grey.

—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #41 // @loveactivist
I don’t regret loving you. But your love came with a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. I lost count of all the times I cried myself to sleep. I lost count of all the time I made you upset. We made wonderful memories together but we also caused each other a great deal of heartache and headaches. Along the way we lost each other in the twists and turns we were not expecting. If I could go back to the day I met you, I would never have crossed the street to say hello, not because I regretted meeting you or loving you but because I would have saved us from a great deal of suffering this loved caused us.
I’m trying to get over you, I’m trying so goddamned hard. And some mornings I wake up and think, yes, maybe I finally am free. Free from my echoing thoughts of you. Free from the constant battle of loving you and losing you. But then other mornings I wake up and all I can think about is how your eyes look with sunlight in them and how your face looks just before you break into a smile.
Maybe we aren’t meant to be together, maybe not now, maybe not ever.
And I don’t wanna have a single grain of hope, because blessed are those with no expectations.
But sometimes I think against my own will that what if we break all the laws?
Maybe we’ll forget each other soon but what if we meet again someday in the future, and in one look we’ll feel the ache in our hearts of our incomplete love, and maybe then I’ll be right for you, and you’ll be right for me?
Maybe we are meant to be together, maybe not now, but maybe someday.
Maybe we’ll meet again, who knows? When we’re older, when we’re more mature, when we’re right for each other but not meant to be.
—  And you’ll forever wonder what did you ever do to let go of someone like me // a.s

They say if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours.

Well I’ve been coming back to you every single time, but you still insist on letting me go.

—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #28 // @loveactivist
After meeting you I just don’t think there will be any other. A part of me will never be whole again. I picked up your habits, good and bad. Phrases you said became a part of me and I find myself using them in sentences. I memorized the lyrics of all your favorite songs and I catch myself singing them randomly. I smell of your scent every once in a while and I cannot help but wonder where you are, and if you are thinking of me as well. I close my eyes and all I see is you. You are in every part of me, consuming me.