heartache writing

I’ve never love someone like this before.” he said. “Someone who doesn’t even need to tell me to catch the stars, because if I could, I would do that—voluntarily for her. This is by far the worst but the best feeling I’ve ever had. I’ve felt as if I’m willing to do anything just to capture your attention, that even if it’s impossible, I will still try to make it possible. You see, I sounded like a superhero, or maybe no. Maybe I sounded more like someone who has a superpower. And yes, I care too much, I feel too much. But loving you seemed never enough because I need to prove it to you. I am not even asking for your permission, though I respect you too much that I will listen and understand everything you’ll say. I’ll catch the stars, follow the moon and give you every kind of flower in this world if that’s what you wanted. But please, don’t push me away. Because I’m scared to be treated like nothing. I’m afraid to feel that I’m not worth it. That I don’t deserve a single glance and smile from you. I don’t know if I can take another heartache. I don’t know if I can still move on, because I’m certain that this is real. That I’m not fooling with myself for what I feel. I’m seriously in love. And I can’t hide it any longer. That’s the reason why—with all the courage inside me—I’m going to say and show how much I love you.
—  ma.c.a // Tell me that there’s a chance for us
I now know what they mean when they say “you ruined me for others”. Because all it took was for someone to touch me similar to the way you did and it set my skin on fire. And the tears. Oh the tears. They were pouring down my face before I even knew why they were there. My body knows your touch. And oh how it must miss you terribly to react like that
—  you’ve ruined me for other people
My friends keep telling me that I don’t deserve someone like you. Maybe they are right, and yet I still choose you.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #8

// a.s

Fine Wine
she had velvet lips 
and her words spilled out like a fine wine
she spoke lies but her eyes
were so delicate
you’d never expect it
and that’s her best kept secret 

take me wherever you go
keep me in your back pocket
“never let me go” she said 
but this isn’t the titanic
i’ll hold on for dear life
but if you slip up and sink to the bottom 
that’s on you

your iceberg expressions won’t 
take me down
i’ll listen to the worst of it
but i refuse to break 
and if you need me to shelter your
deepest darkest fears
i’ll be there for you
but don’t expect me to haunt you 

i’ll always be there for you
just not for the 

I’m trying to get over you, I’m trying so goddamned hard. And some mornings I wake up and think, yes, maybe I finally am free. Free from my echoing thoughts of you. Free from the constant battle of loving you and losing you. But then other mornings I wake up and all I can think about is how your eyes look with sunlight in them and how your face looks just before you break into a smile.
Maybe we aren’t meant to be together, maybe not now, maybe not ever.
And I don’t wanna have a single grain of hope, because blessed are those with no expectations.
But sometimes I think against my own will that what if we break all the laws?
Maybe we’ll forget each other soon but what if we meet again someday in the future, and in one look we’ll feel the ache in our hearts of our incomplete love, and maybe then I’ll be right for you, and you’ll be right for me?
Maybe we are meant to be together, maybe not now, but maybe someday.
I saw you
smiling at her
as if she gave you
a world you’ve
been hoping to have,
and for the first time
I know how it feels
to drown even if
I’m out of the ocean.
—  ma.c.a // I Find It Hard To Breathe
I don’t regret loving you. But your love came with a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. I lost count of all the times I cried myself to sleep. I lost count of all the time I made you upset. We made wonderful memories together but we also caused each other a great deal of heartache and headaches. Along the way we lost each other in the twists and turns we were not expecting. If I could go back to the day I met you, I would never have crossed the street to say hello, not because I regretted meeting you or loving you but because I would have saved us from a great deal of suffering this loved caused us.
Well, you’ll break his heart and he’ll break yours. But you won’t forget each other, even if one day you walk past him and neither of you acknowledges it. That’s the thing about first loves, you never forget them, they are the only person who gets your whole untouched heart. They get all the love you’ve saved up for this moment and they get to keep it forever. You may never speak again but you can guarantee that you can still picture his eyes looking into yours as he said those three words, the way he kissed you afterwards and couldn’t stop repeating those words over and over until you were both too tired to speak. However you’ll also always remember the last time he said those three words, and told you that he was going to come back for you, the way he made you believe that a happy ending did exist for both of you. Those memories will come back to you in waves, all the firsts and all the lasts, the good and the bad, but what’s important is the fact that your first love is just that, the first but not the last.
—  from me to you
There’s nothing okay with heartbreak. There’s nothing fine with the feeling that brought you the most loneliest and sleepless night. There’s nothing good with those tears you keep on wiping away from your eyes at 3am when no one is around. Feeling your own heart collapsing and falling piece by piece was never a wonderful thing. Do you know what’s okay? What’s fine? And what’s good? Heartbreak doesn’t feel like flying with colorful butterflies, but sometimes it’s okay to walk alone and cherish your own company—for you to be able to know yourself even more. It doesn’t make you love the morning and the sun, but sometimes it’s fine to watch the moon while everyone has gone to sleep. It doesn’t look like bright little stars on the night sky, but sometimes instead of hating the rain, you should listen to what it has to say not with your ears but with your heart and mind. Heartbreak hurts, but it’s always up to you if you’re going to let it destroy you or make you a stronger person. When it’s about your own heart, you always have a choice.
—  ma.c.a // Choose What’s Best For You
Her heart is broken but still filled with kindness, her eyes shed tears at night but shine brighter than the sun everyday.
—  t.i // She is brave, she is strong, she is courage, she is love.
There are boxes of clementines
in the kitchen and the thing is that
I love you again. The thing is that
I love what orange tastes like so
I eat too much of it and end up sick.
Last year, I brought up questions
about mending after loss
and all orange could bring was 
eye spasms and stomach aches.
But now the only pain left is left
in rinds, and there are plenty of ways  
to remove it from the heart.
I won’t do it, though. Instead, I will
mock the break with more breaking
and eat all the clementines again.
I only say “again” because
I don’t know how to say
I never stopped.
—  Alessia Di Cesare, The Side Effects of Eating Too Many Clementines
People say to fall in love with someone’s eyes, because they are the only thing that don’t change. But what happens when their eyes stay the same, but the way they look at you doesn’t?
—  won’t you look at me the way I look at you?// 2.1.17