heartache poem

You can’t hear my heart cracking,
but I feel it shattering,
millions of pieces—
still all of them is for you,
I want you to hold
just a tiny one,
even if it means leaving all
the remaining pieces behind,
yet you chose to let
them all laying on the ground,
and refused to take with you
a very small single part.
—  ma.c.a // You Touch My Heart Without Using Your Hands

One:
I hate falling. Like I really fucking hate it. I never jump off things; I never try to fly because I like my feet planted on the ground because that is where it is safe. But I didn’t just fall for you I fucking jumped into a free fall without my parachute even though I fucking knew how much that landing would hurt.

Two:
Make it easy, say I never mattered. That’s one of my favorite Fall Out Boy quotes because One, it’s the saddest line in one of the most upbeat songs and Two, that’s what everyone does to me. I’ve never mattered I’m just here and I’m always going to be just here. I thought at least to you I mattered. But then you took something that meant the world to me and made it hurt. And maybe it wasn’t on purpose but maybe if you had thought about it you would have realized how painful it might actually be to me.

Three:
You get my hopes up every time. Maybe this will be it, maybe this time I’ll get what I wanted. I’ll get what I deserve and maybe I don’t deserve you but god I want you so badly. I don’t care if my friends think you’re an asshole I don’t care if my mother warns me against it I don’t care I don’t care I just want you. And that makes me hate you because you want me too but you want her more. They’re always going to be someone you want more.

Four:
I told you once that I have trust issues. That I guard myself off and lie about my feelings because once I admit to them they’re real, once I tell you it’s actually happening and that’s fucking terrifying to me. But now I’m too late and it’s my own fucking fault fuck why do I fuck up so much why do I fucking ruin everything good in my life?

Five:
You fucked up too. You keep fucking up. You can’t make up your mind and maybe it would be easier if I never mattered maybe thinking that way makes it easier on you but god it hurts it hurts me so bad. But I let it keep hurting me I don’t care about the pain because of how much I care about you. And maybe if I stayed home it would be easier to take our chance but I can’t stay in that horrible place even for something as wonderful as you.

Six:
You know I stopped eating as much as I used to? Partially because I think I’ll love myself more if I’m think and partially because I have this crazy notion in my head that maybe if I get skinny you’ll love me. Because I’ll never be Barbie in the way of the ocean blue eyes or the bleach blonde perfect hair but maybe if I have her waist you’ll see past the ugly brown and fake red. Just like how I sometimes convince myself that having sex with someone will make them care about me. I know it’s never true but it’s all I have left to give to make them want me. And it’s all anyone ever seems to want. Did you want more from me? Will you ever want more from me?

—  One Statement for Every Month I Let You Break my Heart // B.P

I think that was the problem"

“What?”

“I loved him more than I loved myself” I mumble as I begin to wipe the tears from my eyes. “When he left that day, it was almost like he took my existance with him.

—  Tenari Ioapo.
You know what you deserve? You deserve so much better. So many things have happened to you whether its a bad break up, family issues, friends, whatever it is.. you pulled through. You have made it this far and I’m proud of you. You truly deserve the world and since no one can give you that now, find someone that will, apologize, forgive but don’t forget, find new friends. Ones that make plans with you and free their time to give you attention. You deserve all good things and don’t for a second think you’re not worth it because you remind me of the sun, you hide away but always come back even more beautiful than before.
Yearning:
the deeper want.
I’ll tuck it behind my ear
and let my curls cover it. 
Some women curse 
by twirling strands
between fingers 
and I don’t mind at all,
but mine are too busy
clinging to your doors
and all of their ghosts.
You were fluid
in your leaving and 
I have chosen you
as my form of swelling.
In all my space after
becoming the left 
you filled me, 
made a quiet home in
your absence,
rested it there. 
And I am still wandering
through open bedsheets
while you settle your
mouth on a girl who
breathes a little lighter 
and never sighs at all. 
She’ll hold you between
sleeps and I’ll meet a boy
who will fill your face
with fog for a while,
but he will never
remind me of flowers
or mending skin.
So in his arms
I’ll dream of you and
you will leave me there too, 
but I will still practice
saying the word
home
in different places
until it finally feels right.
—  Alessia Di Cesare, Swelling is a Step Towards Healing
It hurts even though I am over it, it will always hurt. Just a simple thought or word that will make me think about the painful memory. It hurts even though you say you didn’t mean it. It hurts even though you say you never intended to do so. It hurts because I really believed you were different. It hurts because you said you promised to never do it again. It hurts to know I don’t mean as much to you as you do to me.
—  Tenari Ioapo
I can lose some weight,
and change my hair.
I can earn my degrees
and do it with flare.
I can do everything
I set my mind to.
But at the end of the day,
my heart still aches for you.
You may not be good for me,
just like what they say.
But part of me still longs
for the depths of your stare.
And even if I know
I deserve more than this,
I will still choose to be
your weekend love affair.
—  The Carcoleptic
Cold hands, heavy eyes
Stolen kisses in the dark.
Bad thoughts, broken heart.
Bare naked with a stranger,
Wrong bed, full of regrets.
Horrible nights I wish to forget.
—  Tenari Ioapo // Smart girl, zero standards
Today, you called. For the first time in 6 months, I actually heard from you. You told me you missed me an hoped to see me soon to catch up, you told me you still loved me. After all of this time, why now? I’m doing good, I have friends that love and care about me, I have a good job, a nice place, I’ve lost feelings for you. That’s what I thought. Now that you have told me your feelings, you fucked everything up. I was supposed to just go on free without you and completely forget about your existence one day. I’m not so sure if I can resist telling you that I want you back. All of the days and months I spent crying, while you were out partying, are wasted.
—  one phone call.
Because you left

Because of you, I walk a little slower

Because of you, my head’s a little lower.

Because of you, life is full of pain

Because of you, I’ll never smile again.

Because of you, the nights are much colder

Because of you, I’m crying on his shoulder.

Because of you, I avoid the mirror

Because of you, I live in fear.

Because of you, the pain became anger

Because of you, our story is a cliff-hanger.

Because of you, my knuckles are blue

Because of you, I no one to turn to.

Because of you, the cuts are deeper

Because of you, I’m not a sleeper.

Because of you, I’m insecure

Because of you, I’m smoking more.

Because of you, I’m getting thinner

Because of you, I’m avoiding my dinner.

Because of you, I hide away

Because of you, I can’t make anyone stay.

Because of you, my heart’s gone cold

Because of you, there’s no one to hold.

Because of you, words are unspoken

Because you left, I’m fucking broken.

2

A small little poem from my new chapbook How the Heartache Humbled Me. Now available on the @bottlecappress website for only $10USD. 

 http://bottlecap-press.myshopify.com/products/heartache 

How The Heartache Humbled Me is a soft collection of poetry that unthreads weakness associated with vulnerability and sews it back together with strength. It’s about finding the courage to say, “yes I am hurting” while no longer fearing your honest heart. It’s about loss. It’s about missing someone, until you don’t. Most importantly, How the Heartache Humbled Me is stitched with the intentions to heal. It is a remedy for the broken hearted, and a reminder to let the leftover love soften you, instead of harden you.”

 Please support my little book 💛🐝🌿✨

I can’t even walk around the city without seeing little reminders of what we used to be and my heart will flutter again and I know, in those moments, that I can tell myself I’m over you a million times, but at the end of the day I’ll still love you as much as I did from the very beginning.
—  and it fucking kills me
just that deep down, even after trying to kill them, i guess i still had feelings for you. but, i never told you and i would never let them show. Don’t think i was twisted inside or anything i just learnt to keep everything to myself, am i making a fool of myself now?
—  A letter my dad wrote to my mum before he died