The chemotherapy came in doses of months, approximately six, maybe seven
Some say time is meant to heal, most say I will end up with my brother in heaven
It came back after rehab, cracking more ribs, jigsawing my skin
Seeping, spreading, stuttering, satanic
THANK YOU for suffocating me just when I was learning how to exhale again
They said small cell was aggressive but I didn’t know it would box my heart without holes to breathe, drown my lungs with black tar from the cigarettes I was too afraid to try,
and keep them from filling up and out even with my self-medicated, overdosed Dulera puffs
Just as I scream “I’M GETTING BETTER” out of the sunroof I catch the wasps swarming down my throat again, swelling the tumor
You are cancer
Well congratulations you came back with fireworks in the sky and a “WELCOME HOME” sign
A few hundred clap clap claps crowded the silent serenity I finally felt
Another mob of plague escaped from hell
Blistering my shores, cracking my levies
Like a bird with clipped wings, like an untrustworthy love in your teens; you keep me from being free
But an artificial love can feel so damn real when you’ve never felt anything
It was abusive, abbreviated, abject, then abandoned
Astrology and the stars say it all
You are cancer
WAS I YOUR SUN OR JUST A STAR TO FAINTLY ADMIRE AT NIGHT?
DID YOU EVEN NEED ME OR JUST MY BODY TO HOLD AND KEEP YOUR FIRE BURNING IN THE WINTER?
DID YOU EVEN WANT ME OR JUST MY LIPS TO MAKE YOU FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE BURNING ALCOHOL OR YOUR ABUSED MEDICATION?
YOUR MOTHER SAID TO STAY AWAY BECAUSE I’M YOUR TRIGGER BUT DOES SHE KNOW YOU WERE MY HOME AND NOW THAT YOU’VE LEFT I’M A REFUGEE LOST IN HELL?
YOU SEE, I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR HEROINE AND YOU WERE MY GUARD BUT TURNS OUT I WASN’T ANYTHING AND YOU WERE JUST WRITING MY SUICIDE NOTE
YOU ARE NOT CANCER
YOU ARE SKY-BLUE EYES AND A CROOKED SPINE
YOU ARE AN ARMY OF MOTHS EATING MY SILK-WRAPPED HEART
I AM RAISING THE WHITE FLAG
i am so sorry for everything please forgive me