hey rosy. i am slowly realizing i was in a emotionally abusive relationship for years. i don't think he meant to be bad to me, he was just depressed, but a few days ago he left me in the coldest way possible. i feel like he was one of the two people in my life i could trust, and i miss him so much even though i am so angry because he never cared about my feelings at all. i honestly don't know how to cope. i feel as if somebody died. i'm so tired. any tips?
I’m so sorry nonny. Break ups are always hard, even if they hurt while you were in the relationship. When your heart is tangled up in it, it feels like it’s been ripped out of you when it ends. I understand completely.
My suggestion to you? You don’t have to figure it out right now. You don’t have to make sense of it. You don’t have to find out who’s to blame or even get angry although I’m sure you probably are.
The end of the relationship is absolutely like the grief of losing someone to death, even if it isn’t. You know they’re not gone, but who they were to you is gone. And it leaves a gaping hole inside of you. ESPECIALLY if you were entirely wrapped up in something that wasn’t necessarily so healthy, because that can become the center of your life. And now the center of your life has just fallen out.
Here’s what I’ve done when I’ve had my heart broken.
cut my hair off (don’t know why, but it always makes me feel freer.)
read over my old journals from before I was with that partner
listen to old favorite music.
gone out with my friends
called my cousin across the country
written angry poetry about my asshole ex
danced. don’t care if it’s in my kitchen or a club or a class. just dance.
cried. do it. go all the way. sobbing, ugly tears. wet pillow. whatever. let it all out. you deserve those emotions.
tried a new hobby. particularly if it’s something the ex didn’t want to do.
dressed up real cute and gone out, even if it’s just to get coffee at that hip coffee shop (true story: ran into an ex like that, looking hot and happy with my long hair cut off and all and he was SHOOK. haha. that was great.)
eat real food that is delicious, whether you make it yourself or go out to a nice restaurant or have a friend or family member cook it for you. Good things. In your life. Without the ex.
watch your favorite movies.
go see a new movie, with your friends or by yourself.
read your old favorite book, or read a book you’ve bee wanting to read.
I don’t know, does anyone want to add things to this “recovery from the dumb ex” list?
I think the key here is that you remember who you were before the ex, who you are without them, who you want to be, what you like about yourself, why you are great and that you can enjoy life without them. It’s almost like dating yourself, to be honest. You have all that time to fill that you used to spend on them. All that energy with no where to go. Give it to yourself.
As always, this is a process, so allow yourself to take baby steps and have back sliding moments when you feel like a grieving person again. It’s okay. It’s all okay. This too shall pass. Be strong. Feel better.
Words are at the end of my tongue, my lips are so close to yours, and I keep on wondering how perfectly my hands would fit with yours. But oh, I’m back here. Staring and hoping for you. Just screaming on the inside, how much I love you.
When you love, I think it’s better to love with your whole heart than to be safe and reserved. I know it might set you up for getting your heart broken which is no fun, but even if that does happen, at least you know that you gave it your all. If it didn’t work out, it wasn’t your fault because you were brave enough to say, “hey, I love the absolute shit out of you, I hope that’s enough”.
'Then why didn’t you reach out to her? Why didn’t you give her the closure she needs?’
'Because I’m hurting too,’ he shouted. 'Because I’m afraid that if I see her crying in front of me, I’ll apologize and beg for her back! But I can’t do that.’ His gaze dropped. 'I can’t hurt her anymore than I already have.’