heart attack food

One of the worst things about having tons of American followers is reading about American restaurant franchises with their unholy large portions and delicious, heart attack inducing food and looking them up and realizing that there are no locations in your country.

I’m like “What is this Cheesecake Factory you speak of?”

today’s meal is called ‘the sad old man special’

Consisting of:

bacon, slightly burned

eggs, cooked in bacon fat

chunk of bread, ripped from the loaf

Random cold meat found in back of fridge

and cherry tomatoes to help keep up the illusion this isn’t heart attack food

has anybody seen that video of that white dude sprinkling salt and taco seasoning on watermelon because it gave me multiple heart attacks and food poisoning just from watching it


‘Not that I’m complaining but why are we here?’ Isaac asked.

‘Because I won three all day free passes to this expensive fair, Emma has been wanting to come for two weeks. Plus we all love heart attack causing fair food. Isn’t that right Emma.’ you smiled as you bent down and pinched your sister’s cheek.

Your three year old little sister giggled and gave you a quick kiss before grabbing your hand and lulling you toward the first food stand of the day.

You in turn grabbed Isaac’s hand and pulled him as well.

‘Funnel cakes, classic fair food, good choice Emma. Which one do you want?’ you asked while looking at the menu.

‘I can’t see.’ Emma pouted.

Before you could say anything Isaac had picked her up and put her up on his shoulder, Emma squealing with joy at this new view of the fair.

‘How about now Shrimpy? Pick the funnel cake and we’ll get it.’ Isaac smiled up at the little girl.

‘Ummm…the one with all the str’berries.’ Emma pointed to the picture of the funnel cake  with glazed strawberries on top.

‘We’ll take one of the strawberry glazed funnel cakes.’ you said showing the vendor your all free pass bracelet proudly.

‘Someone lucked up…’ the woman smiled before looking up at Isaac and Emma.

‘In more ways than one.’

‘What do you mean?’ you asked in confusion.

‘No need to be modest or shy, there are plenty of girls like you.’

‘Girls like me?’ you asked even more confused now.

‘Teenage mothers, though most teenage fathers would sooner run for the hills than claim their offspring. You have a beautiful family.’ she smiled as she handed you the fresh funnel cake.

Your face went full red and so did Isaac’s, Emma was simply waiting for you to hand over the funnel cake.

‘Oh, oh no,we’re not. She’s my- me and him are not-’ you babbled.

‘Thank you so much for the compliment.’ Isaac said before pulling you away.

‘She thought we were young parents.’ you hissed while blushing.

‘I know, easy mistake, I mean Emma does look like me, and you are old enough to have a three year old kid (Y/N).’ Isaac said.

‘Shut up.’ you blushed.

‘Can we eat now?’ Emma asked as Isaac sat her down at a table.

‘Sure Sweetie.’ you said before you could think about it.

‘What a cute family.’ a random girl walking by with her friend said.

‘Nice looking DILF too.’ the other giggled before they both scurried off when you looked over at them.

‘I can’t believe people think we’re parents, they think we…you know, reproduced.’ you blushed.

‘Well if they think it already we might as well sell it right?’ Isaac grinned as he put his arms around you.

‘Isaac!’ you gasped.

‘Emma, you can have all the strawberries if you call us Mommy and Daddy all day.’

‘OK…Daddy.’ Emma giggled.