Food and exercise used to control my life. I would plan my meals days or weeks in advance. If anything got screwed up in my plan I would spiral out and devour everything in sight and spend the rest of my day feeling overwhelmed with guilt.
Now I don’t plan ahead, I listen to what my body wants and I don’t question it. I’ve ditched the idea of good and bad foods and the emotional toll that comes with those terms. I make my best effort to balance wholesome, natural foods with the junk that I love. I make my best effort to hit the gym when I feel mentally up to it. I don’t feel guilty for taking time off from the gym like I used to.
I spend more time with friends. I put more effort into my relationship. When I do decide to go to the gym I’m happier because it no longer feels like a punishment. I’m nowhere near where I want to be in terms of my physique but right now, I’m really okay with it.
I’m setting up my goal plan. I’m recognizing that I’m not where I want to be and I’m setting a healthy course of action to get to where I will be sustainably healthy and happy. I’m exploring what exercises I’m interested in trying. I’m searching for new foods and recipes to fit into my healthy lifestyle. I catch me beating myself up now and then due to the fact that I haven’t “started” yet…but I have.
The difference is that I’m not rushing into this. I’m doing my research. I’m writing everything down. I’m establishing realistic goals and rewards for reaching those goals. I’m discussing all of this with my loved ones. I want to be all in. I want those around me to know that this time will be different…that this is the lifestyle change I so desperately want that I’ve sought after in so many horrible ways. This time I’m doing it right. I’m all in and I have all the support in the world.
Thinking, planning, crying, searching… This is my current life. Big life changes can be extremely difficult if you resist. I’m in the process of working through some big life changes while holding an image of the life I want, not the life I fear. I hope the many years I’ve spent journaling here about how to work through each change one day at a time can stay fresh on my mind. I’m reminding myself I know how to do this.
I can be both strong and peaceful, even though I do not know what the future holds, I know I can handle it. I trust myself.
I’m off to sunny California to run Toughest Mudder. Yay! When in doubt, run it out😉
Please, love your body. It does so much for you – it carries you from place to place, it lets you make your thoughts into actions, it lets you laugh and dance and hug and have fun. Give your body the right food, drink plenty of water, exercise, but if your body tells you it needs a break, give it one. And please, don’t hate your body for the way it looks – it allows you to do so much, please give it nothing but gratitude, as its beauty warrants.
Your body is capable of almost anything if you treat it the way it deserves to be treated. You can climb mountains, run for miles and bend in ways that make people cringe, with the nourishment and love that you should always be striving to give it. Try loving your body, treat it as if it is a old friend, as if you want it to function into old age, and see what your body gives you back.