healing wounds

things I’ve realised today,

moving on doesn’t mean finding another person to dump your luggage on. Moving on could mean a lot of other things. Moving on is leaving a bad place, a bad state of mind behind. Moving on is healing wounds. Moving on is working on yourself to become a better version of yourself for yourself. Moving on is making new experiences. Moving on is learning. Moving on is enjoying life. Moving on is learning to love yourself all over again. And I must say I’m very happy to have started this journey and I’m very excited for what is to come!

Escape:  the residency years

Claire returned to work.  She did rounds, ran labs, and even had a hand in a couple of surgeries, but she avoided the fourth floor at all costs.  If she had to go up, she used the stairs because she wouldn’t risk the elevator opening by accident.  She didn’t want to see the balloons, and teddy bears.  She didn’t want to hear the laughter, or the tiny cries. Not yet.  

Joe and Fiona had taken the time to fill everyone in, so there were no awkward moments.  The ones she was close to just gave her a comforting squeeze, the others, a polite yet heartfelt condolence.  No one spoke of it again after a week.  

It helped heal Jamie and Claire to be around family, so Claire began to accompany Jamie to Lallybroch for Sunday suppers again.  It was a balm to their battered souls to read to their nieces and nephews, play with them, and just wander around the estate hand in hand.    

Yet some wounds have a way of developing an infection under the skin when you least expect it.

“Oh, sure.  She’ll come for Sunday supper now.”  Jenny threw the utensils in the sink with a crash.  “I mean, why come before when yer pregnant.   Come now, after ye’ve lost the child.”  She turned on the water full force to rinse the dishes before loading the dishwasher.

“Jenny,” Ian admonished, “don’t judge.”

“Don’t judge?  Ian, listen to yerself.  She ran herself ragged!  And to what end?  Tell me!” Jenny spun around to face her husband.

And found Claire standing in the doorway to the kitchen.  


Monday afternoon Jenny presented herself at Jamie’s office with take away curry.  “Ye’ve fed me lunch every week for 20 weeks.  Figured it was time I returned the favour.”

Jamie flinched internally.  Twenty weeks.  “T’was not a favour, Janet.  Ye dinna need to do that.”  Jamie didn’t even lift his head from his desk to look at her.

Janet. Oh, yes, he was angry.  “So.  I’m Janet now, am I?  For how long?”  In true Fraser fashion she faced the conflict head on.

“Until I’m done being pissed at ye.”  Jamie set down his pencil, and leaned back in his big leather chair.  He shook his head, then raised his arm and waved her in.  She shut the door behind her.

“I’m sorry, Jamie.  Truly.”

“Dinna apologize to me, Janet.  Apologize to my wife.”  Jamie was not going to make this easy.  He loved his sister, but what she did was not easily forgiven.

“What even possessed ye?”  Jamie said, incredulous, as he made his way over to the conference table, hand outstretched for the bag of food.  

Jenny raised her chin.  “I was angry.  Angry at the situation, and if I’m honest, angry at Claire for going to France when ye didna want her to, for doing too much, and risking the baby.”

Jamie sighed, exasperated.  “I explained this to ye.  I told ye on the phone from Paris, and I told ye when we got back home here.  There was nothing anyone could do.  Not Claire.  Not a doctor. No one.  And frankly, Janet, thinking a weekly Sunday dinner would have made a difference is madness.”

“It’s not just ‘Sunday dinner’ Jamie.  It’s our family tradition!”  She sat down hard in her chair.

Jamie stopped unpacking the food and leveled a look at his sister.  “No, it’s yer tradition. Ye started it after Da died.  That was yer choice.  I came because I had nothing else to do.  And if ye remember, when Claire and I first got together, I missed a few dinners. So, whatever that was yesterday,” he waved his hand in the air, “that lashing out at Claire, it wasna fair.”  He walked over to his small refrigerator, and pulled out two waters.  

Jenny sat and absorbed what her brother just revealed.  The dinners were a means to an end.  She needed something to keep them together after yet another family death.  Jamie, and Ian needed to heal together after the accident. Somewhere along the way she’d lost sight of what she was actually trying to do.

“Maybe,” Jenny hesitated. “Maybe I just wanted her around more, to share pregnancy stories, and build a kinship with.  I never see her anymore.”  

“Ye’ve a funny way of building a kinship.”  Jamie pulled out his chair, and sat down.  “Would ye begrudge my wife her dream?  Hmmm?”  Jamie took a bite of his food.  

Jenny said nothing.  She poked around in her container for a moment.  Then, looked at her brother.

Jamie raised an eyebrow.  “What if it were wee Kitty, wantin’ to be a doctor? Would ye tell her no because it might take away from her family for a time? What if Maggie went back to school at the same time she was pregnant, wantin’ a career and a family?  Would ye turn yer venom on her?”

“Oh, don’t be dramatic, Jamie!  Venom, indeed.”

Jamie set down his fork, and wiped his mouth. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Did ye ever think, Janet, that in all the ways it matters to a woman, ye’ve had it easier than she has?  Do ye ever think, period?”

“What does that mean?”  Jenny’s voice rose in indignation.

“Ye grew up on an estate, with parents who loved ye.  She lost her parents at five years old.  Dammit, she canna even remember her mother!”  He leaned forward to make his point, “Ye had siblings, she grew up alone.  Ye were given a place in the family business, and she’s still trying to find her place in the world.  Ye’ve had bairn after bairn, no problem at all.  And Claire and I,” he swallowed, hands braced on the edge of the table, “Claire and I canna manage to have one in our four years together.”

Jamie looked hard at his sister, voice controlled but quivering.  “I’ll never forget what Claire said after they took Faith away. She said, we didna just lose a child. We lost a lifetime with someone we’d never even met.”

Jenny reached across the table and laid a hand on her brother, squeezing his forearm.  

“I am sorry, Jamie.”  

Jamie covered his sister’s hand with his own.  “I keep tellin’ ye.  It’s no’ me ye need to apologize to.”


Claire walked out the front doors of the hospital hearing the swish of the large glass panes close behind her.  She heard a sharp whistle off to her left, and turned her head.

“Alec!”  She strode over to the black Range Rover happy to see the man who was both friend and protector.  He came around the back of the car, accepted her kiss on his cheek, and opened the back door for her.

“What’s this?” Claire asked.  “Where’s Jamie tonight?”  

Alec just inclined his head towards the interior of the vehicle.  Thinking Jamie was inside, Claire grinned and poked her head inside.

“Hello, Claire.”  

Jenny.  

Claire cut her eyes to Alec.  He stood stoic, looking over her head. “Coward,” she whispered.

“Aye,” he whispered back.  

Claire shoved her bag at him, hard, making him grunt in the process, and climbed inside.


They tucked into a pizza, both using the distraction of food to break the tension.  Two pints later the surface chatter was abandoned.

Jenny took a long swallow of her beer, fortifying herself.  “I’m very sorry for what I said, Claire.  I didna mean a word of it.”  Jenny looked her sister-in-law in the eye, hoping Claire saw her sincerity.

Claire returned the solemn gaze.  “That’s the problem, Jenny.  I think you did.”

Jenny’s eyes glistened. It seemed she would have to open up to Claire as she did to Jamie.  She took a deep breath. “A small part of me blamed ye for the miscarriage.  When Jamie told me what happened I thought ye must have done something to bring it upon yerself.  Worked too hard, not thinking of the consequences.  And then I thought, if I had made ye come to Sunday suppers so I could get ye off yer feet a bit, it may have made a difference.”  

Claire sat still, hands in her lap, letting Jenny work through her feelings.  The noise of the pub surrounded them with soft chatter, the clink of glasses, knives and forks hitting plates.  If there was one thing Claire learned as a doctor, it was to listen to patients.  

“I think,” Jenny continued honestly, “I think a small part of me is wanting to replace what I lost.  A brother, mother, father.  I want a big family, and perhaps that’s why.  When Jamie married ye, I was thrilled to have a sister.”  She wiped at her nose.  “Never had one of those,” she chuckled.  She was relieved to see Claire’s small smile.  “And I know my brother wants bairns.  I want them for him.  And for you,” she added hastily.  “So. So when Faith was lost, I got angry. Angry at the both of ye, but maybe mostly angry at God for taking yet another one of my family members away.”  

Jenny wiped her eyes, and looked at the woman who was sister and friend to her. “But since my parents always told me it was a sin to be angry at God, I got angry at you instead.”

Claire reached across the table to took both of Jenny’s hands in her own, and squeezed them tightly.  

“I am very sorry for what I said, Claire.  I didna mean a word of it.”

“I accept your apology, Jenny.”  The women gazed at each other in silent understanding.  They, just like Ian and Jamie, would have each other’s backs from this point forward.  

“Now,” Claire said, letting go of Jenny and lifting her glass, “Let’s get drunk.”


He heard her well before she arrived at the door. He heard her stumble and the backpack skitter down the stairs. “Fuck!”  

He opened the door to their flat and peered over the banister.  She was trying to turn around to go back down.  

“Leave it, mo graidh!  I’ll get it.”  He stepped quickly down the stairs, passing his wife in the process.  “Christ, Sassenach, ye smell like a brewery.”  He grabbed the bag, then strode up the stairs and tucked an arm around Claire, leading her up to their flat.  “Had a good time wi’ Jenny, then?”

“Oh, aye,” Claire said.  Jamie laughed loudly.  Aye?  She was completely sozzled.

He escorted her slowly up the stairs, catching her every slip.  Claire kept up a slurring commentary of her and Jenny’s evening.  When he finally got her in the flat, she turned and wrapped her arms around his waist.  

“You’re half naked,” she said, eyes unfocused. She leaned forward and kissed the middle of his chest.

“I’m ready for bed, that’s why.”  He breathed deeply.  “And you,” he said, pushing her away from him, “need a shower.”

“Too tired.  Too drunk.”  She smiled up at him, “But maybe if you helped me?  Washed my back?”  

Jamie smiled.  Vixen.  “It’s not been six weeks yet, Claire.”  

He locked the door, flipped off the light switch, and bustled his wife off to the bathroom.

But only two more weeks to go.  Not that I’m counting.

Chiron

The little asteroid in your chart that represents healing. Take note Chiron is hard to draw up, some sites and charts don’t always pick it up. The one I like to use is through astrotheme.com. Chiron can talk about healing from “past lives” and other times it is considered where you are naturally wounded in life. I am going to concentrate on the “wounds” in life and issues one might have to overcome, as well as how one can heal. 

Aries Chiron: The wound is in the ego. They may have low self-esteem, shy away from conflict and individualism. Healing comes from concentrating on the self. Finding assertiveness and confidence. Once healing starts they can push others into action, encourages confidence, challenges others identity.

Taurus Chiron: Wound in security. Might feel uprooted and unstable throughout life. Insecure in their own strength. Healing is all about finding inner security. They help others by being strong and stable for them.

Gemini Chiron: All about wounds in communication. Finds it hard to express themselves, connect, and can never seem to find the right words. Can easily be misunderstood, prefers to observe and worries their intellect will be judged. Healing comes from expressing themselves, they must find their voice and not fear wounding words or misunderstandings. Helps others speak their mind and find their voice.

Cancer Chiron: Wound is emotional, especially with facing abandonment, coldness, or unhealthy attachment in life. Associated with having stress directly linked to the body, an unhealthy mind/heart will produce physical sickness. Healing comes from finding their inner mother, learn self-nurturing, compassion, healing, and protection. Healing comes from learning healthy detachment. Helps to nurture and protect others. Encourages others.

Leo Chiron: Struggles with self-expression, wound is in the ego, can lack confidence and empowerment. Associated with head vs. heart issues. Healing comes by finding outlets and tools of empowerment, must develop their confidence. Then they can help empower others.

Virgo Chiron: Associated with pushing oneself too hard, nervous energy, anxiety, harsh self-criticism, easily used by others. Healing comes from self-acceptance, helping others on their own terms, and by learning tolerance. Has the ability to serve others in a meaningful way and shows others balance between judgment and tolerance.

Libra Chiron: Wound is centered on self love and loving others. Gives into self-hate, losing identity, selfishness, jealousy, insecurity. Is prone to giving in, being manipulated, and abused for the sake of a relationship or approval from another. Healing comes through self-love, putting their needs first, learning what others need. Teaches others how to love.

Scorpio Chiron: Has a huge association with trauma-driven wounds. Their dark side takes over subconsciously. Fear of the world and themselves. Associated with sexual abuse. Has a connection with past life trauma. Associated with family spread or community trauma. Healing comes from accepting the past and facing their dark side. Helps others to face their inner darkness and trauma. Could help a community overcome their darkness. 

Sagittarius Chiron: Wound is in their belief system and mind. Might be discouraged or suppressed by a belief system. Loses their morals. Could be closed-minded, associated with corrupt morals, might have hatred towards a belief system.  Healing comes from learning a new perspective. By exploring their own and others beliefs. Helps to open others’ minds.

Capricorn Chiron: Wound has to do with authority and quiet suffering. Struggles with authority figures, finds it hard to gain their own authority. Might be apathetic or cold to others but more cold to themselves, too much control in their life, struggles with power.  Healing comes by finding their inner authority and/or learning to sympathize with others and themselves. Shows others how to take charge of their destiny, shows a different way to sympathize with others.

Aquarius Chiron: Wound is based on not being accepted into society. Easily feels outcasted, rejected, alienated, maybe even a scapegoat. Healing comes by accepting their individualism, learns to feed their needs first before society. Helps others essentially say forget society. Pushes individualism.

Pisces Chiron: Wound is spiritual. Lose their own imagination/creativity, finds it hard to set firm beliefs, inner conflict with beliefs. Heals by integrating their beliefs into their daily life. Helps others to accept and learn their own divine system.

your wounds will never be a burden to a lover who has ears that never close, and has patience that runs deeper than oceans. your wounds will never be a burden to a lover who appreciates your journey so far, and pours honey on parts of you that still need healing. your wounds will never be a burden to a lover who celebrates your being by the sun, and thanks god for your existence with the moon.
—  iambrillyant 

A Day Off In Hell

Story by reddit user NeonTempo

Hell is a room with two doors.

The first shuts behind you as you step inside. It locks into the frame, never to open again. The second door stands at the opposite wall, a solid implacable barrier, its purpose utterly inscrutible.

As soon as both doors are closed, your torment commences. The room houses a single unique punishment, dealt out at the deft sadistic hands of your custodian. You will scream, you will cry, and as you watch your wounds heal just enough to keep the pain fresh, there will be nothing you’ll want more than escape.

Keep reading

If you hate any of the signs or any placements, this post is for you.

So in synastry, you are overlaying your chart on top of someone else’s. You will find that some of your planets will fall into the other person’s house while their planets will fall into some of yours. I’ll be using the Sun mostly since a lot of people hate on the Sun signs, but this can apply for any planet with varying flavors.

Now, if you hate any of the Sun signs, look where that sign falls on your chart. Think of the person you hate with that sign. That person’s Sun will fall into one of the houses on your chart. Do be sure to check the degrees if you are using the Placidus house system. The Sun person in the synastry chart will illuminate matters found in the house person.

If you don’t like a person’s Sun sign, it’s probably because the Sun person is highlighting some parts of yourself that you don’t like about yourself or parts that you’re strongly denying. I’ve personally seen trends like this occur with a person’s Sun in your 7th, 8th, and 12th House, but this can occur anywhere in your chart. After all, you can be unaware about anything.

Of course, it’s a lot more than just overlays. There are so many different aspects you can make with someone in a synastry chart, but it really just goes to show that you can’t generalize a sign when you experience a different relationship with everyone. We all have unique natal charts. Unique people will create just as unique relationships. Your relationship with a certain person will always be unique.

You also have all the signs within you. There’s really no point in hating a sign because there’s really no point to hating yourself. Also, all of the signs are needed to create balance in your natal chart. Those with interceptions can struggle with an imbalance because some signs lack rulership in the natal chart. You really need the signs integrated within you, so don’t hate what you need.

you said okay
flatsound
you said okay

it all started with closed eyes 
and a feeling in my gut telling me 
i need to keep them shut the whole time 
because if they opened even for a second and i saw your lips 
they’d suck me in like black holes when they bend light 
and it was then i realized you were not my world 
you were my universe 

After a day of work at the Engineering Research Center at the University of Arkansas, Kyle Quinn had a pleasant Friday night in Bentonville, Arkansas, with his wife and a colleague. They explored an exhibition at the Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art and dined at an upscale restaurant.

Then on Saturday, he discovered that social media sleuths had incorrectly identified him as a participant in a white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia. Overnight, thousands of strangers across the country had been working together to share photographs of the men bearing torches on the University of Virginia campus. They wanted to name and shame them to their employers, friends and neighbours. In a few cases, they succeeded.

But Quinn’s experience showed the risks.

A man at the rally had been photographed wearing an “Arkansas Engineering” shirt, and the amateur investigators found a photo of Quinn that looked somewhat similar. They were both bearded and had similar builds.

By internet frenzy standards, that was proof enough.

Quinn, who runs a laboratory dedicated to wound-healing research, was quickly flooded with vulgar messages on Twitter and Instagram, he said in an interview Monday. Countless people he had never met demanded he lose his job, accused him of racism and posted his home address on social networks.

Fearing for their safety, he and his wife stayed with a colleague this weekend.

For someone whose only sin was a passing resemblance to someone else, Quinn bore the direct consequences of the reckless spread of misinformation in breaking news, a common ritual in modern news events.

The practice of publicly identifying someone, often with sensitive personal details like addresses, phone numbers and employer information, is known as “doxxing.”

Mark Popejoy, an art director in Bentonville, attempted to correct dozens of Twitter accounts that had inaccurately pegged Quinn as the rally participant.

While some appreciated the new information, others adamantly refused to change their minds, he said Monday.

“I think it’s dangerous just to go out accusing people without any kind of confirmation of who they are,” he said. “It can ruin people’s lives.”

The New York Times

AkeShu comic drawn during yesterday’s impromptu late night stream.
(It is spoilery, not due to game events but due to character nature/bg stuff)
So, don’t read unless you passed 20/11 in game!

Also, a dumb thing after the comic.

Keep reading

5 things I did that improved my mental health in the last 1 year

1. I realized my worth. It was so hard because it meant letting go of those who didn’t. And those were the people that I loved. It hurt so bad. When the ropes that tied them to me were cut, I got cut too. I bled. It hurt. But then those wounds healed like they always do. And Now? I am free.

2. I started taking care of myself and that involved going back to the things I learned as a child. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Sleep on time. Sleep enough. Drink loads of water. Walk. Let your skin shower in sunlight. I keep a habit tracker. It’s simple. It lets me be conscious of my daily needs and whether or not I am fulfilling them.

3. I learned that you don’t always have to respond. To what people say, to that person texting you after 8 months of complete silence, to negative comments, to accusations. It doesn’t make you a coward. Not in the least. What it really does is, is let you be at peace. But the hard part? I also learned that you don’t always have to respond to ‘I love you’ either.

4. I learned to not be extreme. Yes I don’t want to do anything with them. But do I need to burn their letters? Delete all pictures? Even when I’m not sure how that will make me feel in the long run? No. I learned to store it all away in a place I wouldn’t touch until I wanted to. It’s been a year. I haven’t once touched.

It works for all aspects of life. Had a bad day at work? Do you just yell and quit? No. Have 100 bad days at work where they don’t respect you but still continue to be silent and work? No any extreme isn’t good.

5. Food is important. So important. They just don’t say 'you are what you eat’ to sound silly. Food is literally you putting something in yourself. You gotta be more mindful of what, when and how much you’re putting in. Don’t restrict yourself. But don’t not monitor yourself either.