Lonely hearts have a tendency to stick their veins out, in hope of connecting to someone else’s blood vessels. The only problem is that the bearers of those hearts have reached a point where they feel like they don’t know how to do that anymore. They’ve been put down too many times, told that they’re abnormal so often, to the point of nearly believing it themselves. They tell themselves that they just aren’t meant to be around anyone else, that they were born to love infinitely and to never be loved the same.
You wanted me all to yourself. You wanted to own me. When I tried to live my life, you tightened your chokehold on it. Living for anyone but you was wrong. Trying to please anyone but you was wrong. So I didn’t, I tried to be right according to what you wanted. I told you where I was going and if you didn’t want me going I didn’t go. Out of fear, I poured all of my love into you until I was empty. When I had nothing left to pour, I carved out the insides of my heart to satisfy you. I gave you all of me, yet always felt like I was never enough. I was a helpless bird that knew about life outside of the cage but was taught not to want it. I was taught that it was wrong, but in the end, it wasn’t wrong. You were.
Maxwell Diawuoh, Request: A girl breaks up with her girlfriend due to being isolated by the relationship and fear from saying/doing something—anything “wrong” such as hanging out with a friend or forgetting to tell them they’re going to a store. And the feeling of never being enough and feeling helpless/hopeless.
Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.
You will meet many types of people in your life. You will meet delicate flowers, raging oceans, quiet forests, towering mountains, and colourful skies. You will meet thunderstorms, you will meet lightning. They will knock you down, they will leave you breathless. You will meet sunrises, you will meet gardens. They will give you light, they will take you on adventures. Explore them. Get lost with them. They all have something to teach you.
I helped myself.
wiped my own tears.
put balm over fresh wounds.
plastered parts of my heart that still were hurting.
gave myself time.
read books that soothed my soul.
heard music that calmed my nerves.
watched movies that made me smile.
bit by bit, piece by piece, I put
myself back together again.
and I gave myself a second chance
because I know that if I didn’t,
One day someone will walk into your life and get it right where everyone else got it wrong. One day you won’t have to wait for a call or a text back. One day you won’t be the only one giving your all. One day you’ll finally meet someone who wants to help you grow in life. One day you’ll finally meet someone who isn’t afraid to give “love” another chance. One day you’ll finally meet someone you can trust with everything. One day you’ll have your best friend, your biggest supporter and your teammate all wrapped up into one person.
The truth is that I’m afraid to dive into someone new. How can I not be? I’m still emptying my lungs from the last time I fell into someone’s waters and explored the depths of them. It’ll be years before I’m done wringing the wetness out of my hair, before I stop smelling the salt of their oceans on my skin. Learning someone new is frightening now. It’s not the adventure it was before. I’m no longer bitter for my heartbreak. My reluctance isn’t a decision I made with a sour mouth. I’m just exhausted by the idea of feeling for someone new. Of treading water with small talk and stories about our childhoods. When I think of him, I am afraid of sinking so deeply into someone again that I am lost to them. In that, I realize I am most afraid that I won’t sink at all. That I’ll always be treading water with anyone that isn’t him. That anyone after him will only know how to meet me at the surface.
it took me a long time
to admit this to myself
but i realize now
that every time
i forgave you
for the same mistakes
i was forgiving you
for knowing better
and still choosing to hurt me
and that is unforgivable