healing after loss

8

Lily: Forgive me for prying, but I heard your mother died this past spring.
Caroline: I just spent the day reliving Stefan’s first time. I really don’t feel like talking about my dead mother with my hostage taker, but thanks.
Lily: I was simply curious about one’s ability to heal after such a loss.
Caroline: Well, you must have had a mother. I mean, even Mussolini had a mother.
Lily: Of course I had a mother.
Caroline: Then you know that love is different than any other kind of love.

Days after my little gentleman was born, I sat in the bathroom sobbing as I examined my battered and bruised body.

My stretched-out tummy flopped onto my legs when I sat down, and I felt as if my belly-button would brush the floor every time I bent over. My whole body ached. My mind hurt and was torn apart by self-loathing and sadness. It was truly an ugly time! Worst of all, I was more lonely than I had ever thought possible, and I saw no end in sight.

My heart aches for all new mommies, because I know we all feel this same way at one time or another.

I also know that new moms aren’t the only ones to have such dark times in their life.

I hope you know that you are not alone. There are millions of us, all struggling to love ourselves and to be the best we can be. Heck, some days we are just struggling to live through the day!

There IS hope and there are people you can turn to. I myself was too prideful to find a friend to help, BUT I did find a light in the darkness… In a place I never thought I would find comfort:

I found hope through exercise.

This particular set of photos represent what a difference exercise can make in one’s life. I didn’t alter much- I ate whatever/whenever I wanted, BUT I worked hard to exercise six times a week for at least 20 minutes. That made a significant difference in my life, obviously physically, AS WELL AS emotionally.

Many days were not perfect. Several WEEKS were far from it! But all in all, I stuck with things, and I am extremely proud of that.

In April of 2015, I decided to take the next step and tackle nutrition. It’s been almost two months, and I truly wish I would have started earlier!

These eleven months have brought on many great changes, but I truly cannot wait to see my progress a year from now.

I have found healing through health, and I am a firm believer in the magic that this lifestyle can bring.

Signs

Every day since James died, my mom had seen a morning dove outside of her home. She would talk to him as if he was James – just having a one-sided conversation with the bird.

Last weekend, when she was visiting me for the first time since James died, she found two pennies side-by-side in the parking lot. She picked them up and declared them to be a sign – after all, James would have turned two this week.

Since she returned to her house from that visit, she hasn’t seen the morning dove at all. That is, until today, when she saw two of them while she was out walking her dog. She said, “Well, hello James. What’d you do, bring a friend?”

On her way back to the house, the tiniest, pure white feather floated right past her nose and landed in front of her. She picked it up, took it home and placed it in the bowl in her room with the dried petals from the roses we saved from one of James’ funeral arrangements.

All of this is why, against my better judgment, I told her about the phone call I received this afternoon just as I was pulling into the cemetery for my daily visit with James.

The call was from my home finder. She has a possible placement for me: A two-day-old boy. (See? Another two!)

We still have to wait on court and kinship and all of the other “ifs” that are involved in foster care. But since I feel like James is beating me over the head with signs, I obviously said “yes.”

i am writing for you
and your eyes
that brim with tears
for the sighs that escape your lips
as you shed an offending tear

then another 

until you lose count 
until they pour so freely 
that they lose their shape


sometimes i am overwhelmed 
by the vastness of them
how oceans can be born 
from your grief 


but the human body is made up of water
you are capable
of feeling this loss
without drowning in it

—  pardis a.