13 Reasons Why (Tape 3)
Characters: sister!reader, Dean, Mary, Sam, John, Cas(mentioned), Jody(mentioned), Claire(mentioned), Alex(mentioned)
Warnings: swearing, angst, mention of death
Word count: 3830
Summary: Mary’s tape hits Dean harder than he expected and he starts to see the people he loves in a different light
Here it was. Tape 3. Ready in the tape player, but Dean just couldn’t bring himself to listen to it… At least not yet.
There were more things that you left behind that he had thought. First of all there were these tapes and how he found out that you left Sam a note. He wasn’t sure when to start reading it, maybe even just looking at your handwriting would have been too heartbreaking for him to see. Even just holding that paper in his hand and knowing that you once held it in your hand was enough to almost make Dean cry. How could he possibly handle reading the letter? The tapes were killing him already, adding more to that would have been too much for him to take in.
He took the tape player with him. It was inside his duffel bag that he had packed ready for the hunt Sam had found them. “You ready to go?” Sam questioned from the passenger seat in the impala.
Dean had been daydreaming this entire time just thinking about the tapes. “Yeah.”
The drive to Tulsa was around 4 to 5 hours long, a car journey that would probably require talking to each other. Dean wasn’t mad at Sam, and it wasn’t that he didn’t want to speak to his brother but everything just felt too tense and awkward after talking about the tapes so much already.
“So, what did you say this hunt was?” Dean questioned after they had been driving for over an hour.
“Well-” Sam started as he pulled out the newspaper from his duffel bag, “-it seems to me like a demon case, but I could be wrong. There’s nothing on here about sulphur so it could be case of ghost possession. But I could be wrong, we’ll see when we get there.“
Dean listened to what Sam said but the words went through one ear and out of the other. He didn’t care about this damn hunt, his mind was on the tapes and he couldn’t stop thinking about them.
“How far are you?” Sam asked. The subject always had to be the tapes, didn’t it?
“Why does it matter? I’m the last one on the tape anyway so I don’t have to pass them on,” Dean replied, keeping his eyes on the road to avoid having to see the judgemental look from his brother.
“Because once you’ve heard them all we can do something about a few of the people on them,” Sam answered as if it was obvious. “Who’s are you up to? Are you on yours?”
“No I’m not on mine!” Dean hissed. He concentrated on the road hard to make sure he looked like he was only focused on driving.
“Then who’s? Have you heard Cas’ tape yet?” Sam questioned which caused Dean to press his foot harshly on the breaks.
“Cas is on the tapes?” He shouted angrily as his look shot to his brother. “Are you fucking kidding me?”’
“Dean, calm-” Sam started to speak but was quickly cut off by Dean’s rage.
“Sammy, I swear if you tell me to calm down.” He shook his head with closed eyes. His voice was steady but angry which was even scarier than when he screamed at Sam.
“Look, I’m sorry, OK?” Sam apologised. “I thought maybe you had listened to a few more.”
“Which tape is Cas’?” Dean asked with his car still pulled over in the middle of an empty highway.
“Ten?” Dean repeated with a loud voice. “I’m not that far! Why are these tapes so easy for everyone else to listen to? I haven’t even started tape three yet!”
“You’re going slower that everyone else, but it’s only because you care about her,“ Sam concluded.
“What, Cas didn’t?” Dean shot back before starting up the car again. He drove slower this time, he didn’t wanna pull over again when driving so fast.
“Of course he did. He still does, but not many people on the tapes did. Only a few of you cared,” Sam explained. “People like you, and Cas. But then there’s Crowley.”
“Crowley’s a dead man,” Dean snapped. “I mean it, when I see him next I’m gonna torture him for months and then drive Ruby’s knife into his heart so hard that not even Hell will be able to save him from what’s coming.”
“Crowley isn’t the only one you’re going to hate after listening to them,” Sam admitted with a quiet voice. “I know that you’re angry at dad.”
“Angry at him, yes,” Dean repeated, “hate him? No.”
“Look, we know everyone on these tapes and we care about most of them,” Sam explained. “It’s gonna be hard to hear them, because they will change the way you see people. Especially this one.“
“Especially this one? What the hell does that mean?!” Dean demanded.
“I told you, you just have to listen to the-”
“Wait a second,” Dean said, coming to a sudden realisation. “Are these tapes the reason you’re all avoiding going to Jody’s?”
Sam swallowed thickly. He had already said too much by saying that Cas was on the tapes.
“Is Jody on the tapes?!” Dean demanded. “Or… Is it Claire? Or Alex?”
“You need to stop asking questions, listen to the tapes,” Sam finished. No matter what was said now Sam would have ignored him so Dean just didn’t bother to reply.
His thoughts for the rest of the drive were on Jody. It couldn’t be her on the tapes, it must have been Claire or Alex. Maybe it was Claire and Alex… You always did have a bumpy relationship with the two girls. Dean always guessed it was because you were all the same age, but maybe there was more to the story.
Before Dean knew it, they had arrived at the motel and checked in. He wasn’t really paying attention to what he was doing but it was such a natural occurrence it didn’t take much thought.
Once they were checked in they went to the house where the victim had died to ask his wife a few questions. They knocked at the door and were greeted by a woman with tears still streaming down her face.
“I’m Agent Stills, this is Agent Collins,” Sam spoke professionally. “We’d like to ask you a few questions.”
“Of course,” she sniffled as she invited them in.
They sat on the couch opposite her and began to ask the usual questions. The funny smells, cold spots, strange noises and all that. She did say it felt a little chilly when she arrived home. She was at the hospital that day having another pregnancy scan because she was over the due date.
Sam and Dean thought how heartbreaking that must have been for her, having her husband die just before she had their baby.
“We’re very sorry for your loss,” Sam Finished. He passed her his card and told her to call if she had anything else to tell them. Once they were done talking to the wife of the victim, they headed back to the motel.
Dean sat on his bed with his duffel bag on Sam’s bed. He just stared at it knowing that those damn tapes were inside there, ready to be listened to. Sam sat at the table on his laptop doing research for the case. “Dean,” he said, but Dean didn’t answer.
“Hey!” Sam repeated as he threw a screwed up piece of newspaper at his brother. “What are you thinking about?”
“What do you think?” Dean replied without moving his eyes away from the bag.
Sam sighed, “I’m gonna swing by the diner, wanna come with?”
“I think I’ll stay here,” Dean snapped. Once again, his eyes never left the bag. Sam said something before leaving but Dean ignored him just like he had been for most of the day. He couldn’t be bothered to listen to what he had to say, all that mattered was the tapes.
And he repeated it once again, just like a mantra. Pick up the tapes, but the headset on, press play. Your cold voice spoke through the headphones and into Dean’s ears.
“I never realised how much a persons life could be affected just by the opinion of another,” you said to start off the tape. “Sure, there’s that saying that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’, but seriously… Words tear our brains apart. Broken bones are just a physical pain that can pass, but our emotions and the way people make us feel stays with us forever.”
* * *
Three days had passed since your mother had died and you hadn’t even seen John or Mary. After you left they took off on the hunt you were looking at in the newspaper and left Sam and Dean behind which meant only they showed up when you called.
When they took you back to the bunker you started to question things in your mind. Dean was 38 and Sam was 34, they were old enough to look after you, so why did they have to live with John? Why couldn’t they kick John and Mary out of the bunker? You knew they were so excited because your dad was back and their mom was back too- but were they really needed?
John and Mary were planning on coming back to the bunker again, still unaware that you had returned. Sam and Dean had no idea how to tell them what had happened so they just waited for them to return.
Your brothers were always so kind to you. As soon as you returned to the bunker they made sure you were ok, they took you to your room to make sure you got some sleep and enough food and water when you woke up. And as annoying as it got, they constantly explained to you how hard this life was and how hard things can be, and that if you really wanted to they could send you to live with a woman they knew called Jody. She had two other girls staying with her, Claire and Alex, and she set them both up at school.
Their offers were kind, they didn’t care about what they wanted, they just wanted you to be happy.
It was around 4pm when John and Mary came home to the bunker. You sat in the library and impatiently waited for them to notice you. You were worried to say the least, the last time you saw John things got really bad. His words hurt you, they would stay with you until the day you died.
* * *
“Hey,” Sam said as he walked through the door with a takeout burger in a box for Dean. “I got you some food.”
Dean paused the tape to listen to his brother. He took it back off again, it was still so hard to listen to.
Sam threw the box to Dean, sat at the table and opened up his laptop. “I’m gonna do some research on the case and this town, can you check out some lore?“
“Sure,” Dean nodded before pulling an old book out to see if any of the descriptions matched the deaths of the victims that had lived in that house over the years. They all died exactly the same way so there must have been some kind of explanation. He ate his burger within minutes, just like he always did. Everything felt like such a rush unless it was hunting.
Hours and hours had passed before they finally came to the conclusion that it was a Pontianak. It was some kind of ghost that died when they were pregnant and went after men with pregnant wives.
The case was all a bit strange, but nonetheless, it was a case. People were dying and it was their job to save them.
Thinking that way broke Dean’s heart because there was only one persons life that he wanted to save… But it was too late for that.
* * *
John and Mary looked at you as they passed Sam and Dean. “Y/N?” John asked. He didn’t seem angry, but not exactly happy either.
“We didn’t want to worry you while you and mom were hunting,” Dean began to explain. “But something bad happened… Y/N’s mom was murdered.”
“What?” Mary gasped. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
Mary spoke softly to you as she took a seat next to you and rested her hand on your shoulder. “What happened? Did you see anything?”
“No,” you lied with a shake of your head. “She just, I got home and she was dead. The demon attacked me but I didn’t get a good look, it all happened so fast.”
“So, are you moving back here?” John asked.
“I know you don’t want me here,” you looked down. “After what you said-”
“I didn’t mean it, Y/N. I’m sorry that I sent you away,” he apologised. It wasn’t enough that he was sorry for sending you away; you knew that he didn’t love you the same amount that he loved Sam and Dean and that telling you to leave didn’t affect him.
“Sam suggested me going to live with Jody,” you replied as you wiped your tear away quickly. He already thought you weren’t as strong as the rest of them, but you couldn’t show weakness, even if it was one of the hardest moments you ever had to go through.
“I think that’s a great idea,” John agreed. Now you were sure that he meant what he said when he told you to leave. He just wanted to be kind to you right now because you were in pain. For a second, you thought that maybe he was sending you away to protect you, but the thought was quickly pushed to the side when you remembered how angry he was towards you when he kicked you out of the motel.
“Oh, I don’t know if I want to,” you admitted. “I mean, I want to stop the world from having to deal with deaths because of monsters. I know I can never get mine back but I could stop people from losing their mothers and that’s enough for me. I want to continue hunting,” you spoke with a strong voice as you stood from your chair. “You’re all good hunters, you can teach me.”
Dean smiled. He loved seeing this side of you, you took charge and told them what was happening. No more crap about, ‘maybe next time’ or ‘you need a different life’. If you wanted a different life you would have taken it but this was your decision. Not John’s or Mary’s or Sam’s or Dean’s. It was time for you to make your own decisions.
* * *
Sam and Dean decided to check the house out at night. The woman had gone into hospital to give birth and the boys wanted to go back to the house and kill the Pontianak. They figured the house being empty would be a good opportunity to get the job done.
Dean went inside first, his flashlight stopped working the second he set foot in the living room. From their research they knew who the Pontianak was, they just didn’t know where she was buried. The Pontianak was once a woman called Jane White that lived in the house hundreds of years ago. They figured there would be something that would tell them where she was buried.
* * *
A few months had passed since you moved back into the bunker and things were going well. John seemed to adapt to you being around and although you still knew he didn’t like you, it was something you had to move past.
You sometimes had those moments where you would share a father/daughter bond, and in those times you felt happy. But afterwards you would just remember what it was really like and that you just had to keep a work relationship.
The boys were still the boys. Very loving and very protective, but you could also mess around, laugh and actually have some kind of relationship with them. There were a few snappy moments here and there but apart from that things were fine. They were going great.
But as soon as things got better, they got worse once again.
* * *
Sam checked down in the basement for clues while Dean stayed in the living room and waited for her to show. He put salt on all the windows and doors.
He felt a sudden chill as she appeared in the living room
“Dean,” Sam shouted up the stairs. “She’s buried in the basement, I just have to break through this wall.”
“Hurry, Sammy,” Dean replied as he picked up his gun and shot the Pontianak with rock salt.
The hunt was fairly simple. Sam burned the body, the spirit was gone and no one else had to die. The next day they packed up their things, got in the impala and drove off back home to the bunker.
The hunt wasn’t enough for Dean. He really wanted something he could stab, shoot, fight or punch. Dean needed to let go of all his rage and hunting seemed like the only way… He needed something bigger than this.
Sam was still tired on the way home and ended up falling asleep, so Dean continued with the tape while he was driving.
* * *
It was around 9AM on a Monday morning when you came into the bunker kitchen. You heard yelling on your way down and wondered what the hell was going on. No one had argued for a while, maybe it was just something that needed to happen.
“She has to go!” You heard John shout. You felt a twinge of panic in your stomach as he spoke, you really thought things between you and John were getting better.
“I thought you were past this, dad!” Sam yelled. “Christ, what is your problem?”
“Your mom doesn’t want her here either. It makes her uncomfortable to know that Y/N’s my child but not hers,” John revealed.
* * *
“Welcome to your tape, Mary.”
Dean, once again, was shocked by what he had heard on this tape. Mary was involved? She was uncomfortable with you living with them? Dean always thought that Mary loved you like the daughter she never had. He always thought that, to her, you were one of the Winchesters. That was another misjudgment he had made about his family. Where do their loyalties lie? Can he really trust them?
* * *
You didn’t want to hear anymore, so you stepped into the kitchen. Sam’s eyes shot to you and John followed. “Y/N…” John spoke.
“Thank you for being honest,” you simply replied. “I’m glad I know where we stand. John.”
“Wait,” he tried to explain but you had already wondered off. This was all probably just a misunderstanding. Maybe Mary always wanted a daughter and she was upset that you weren’t really hers. She was such a kind woman from what you knew, she comforted you when you lost your mom and treated you so well. You wanted to make her feel like she didn’t have to be uncomfortable with you.
“Mary,” you smiled as you stepped into the library.
“Oh,” she replied with tense shoulders. “Hi, Y/N.”
“So, listen. John told me that you feel uncomfortable with me around because I’m not your daughter,” you said, getting straight to the point. You folded your arms and Mary looked shocked at your words. “I’m not mad. But Mary, I see you like a mother. You’re not just Sam and Dean’s mom, you’re mine too.”
You stood there for a second and waited for her reaction. You didn’t know what to expect yet what she did still surprised you. She laughed.
“Oh, Y/N,” she continued to laugh. “You think I want you to be my daughter?”
“What?” You questioned as you unfolded your arms and dropped them to your sides. “Mary-”
“Thank you for that, I really needed that,” she replied with her final laugh. “You see, I’m not uncomfortable with you because I wish you were my daughter. I’m uncomfortable to know that you are John’s mistake. He didn’t love your mother… He only slept with her because I was dead.”
Her words hit you. You never expected her to say anything like this. You wanted to reply but you were frozen in shock.
“So,” she continued as she stood up and spoke so close to your face that you could feel her breath. “Sam and Dean are my children and John is my husband. I don’t need you coming in and messing up my family. You can stay, I can’t make you go, but don’t think for a second that you are my daughter, you never will be. You’d be better off dead.”
* * *
“I don’t remember everything that you said, but a lot of it stayed with me. I remember you saying that I’m not a really Winchester and that I messed up your family. I remember you calling me ‘John’s mistake’. But the thing that hurt me most was when you said that I’m not your daughter and I never will be, that I would be better off dead.”
If only there was a way to explain how angry Dean was. How could Mary say that to you? How could she make you feel so worthless? To tell you that you were better off dead could have been the first thing to give you the idea that death was an option.
“My message in this, ladies and gentlemen, is to be careful what you say to people. To you it may seem like you’re just getting your point across, but to the person on the other end it could quite literally feel like the end of their world. Mary, I want you to know how badly that scarred me, how much it hurt to know that a few months after I lost my real mother, the closest thing I had to one didn’t love me. You never wanted me, and that’s when I began to feel like I didn’t belong anymore.”
That was it. The end of tape 3. This changed the way Dean felt about everyone on there. He was furious with his dad, he was ready to kill Crowley, and when he next say Mary- well, he’s not going to keep his feelings to himself.
It seemed so unlike Mary to say anything like that. There must have been a reason. Something must have happened to cause her to act that way. But that didn’t matter to Dean, all he knew was that she said it and it was way out of line.
But, then again, she should have thought about that before she became one of the reasons why.