headcase amanda

Keep Your Expectations/ Standards Low And You Won't be Disappointed

The above is my new saying to any dude I talk to.

My mom was at the hospital all day yesterday and didn’t get home until 9 last night, she has to go back Monday and talk to surgeons. Her upper abdomen is swollen huge and she’s in a lot of pain, but she was given the good drugs.

I’ve been avoiding tumblr, anything or anyone that I fear might provoke a negative emotion in me. It’s nothing personal, it never is, it’s all about me as it should be and this is why I refuse to feel guilty any longer. Classic Amanda has always avoided or circled around a topic rather than talk shit out, the only difference is new Amanda is doing it for her own well being. Avoiding is how I know I’ll steer clear of the negative emotions such as sadness, anger, bitterness or jealousy, none of which are beneficial to me and my current path of life. My Feedly is gonna need a massive dump when I do open the app.

I won’t be dictating orders this weekend at Jami and Joe’s new place, I got offered work hours and took them instead, I need the money. Speaking of work, I haven’t had a day off in what feels like forever, I’m actually working 16 hours today. I forgot how exhausting multiple jobs are, I only have another week of this and then I get a day off the week school starts.

I’m definitely getting a piercing or two next week. I’m sore from my tattoos yesterday. Fucking inside of the wrist tattoos hurt like fucking hell, I forgot the pain.

I received a text the other day which made me realize that I haven’t talked to or hung out with my local friends in almost two months, my bad. Avoidance 101, I can teach that shit.

I’ve talked, like actually talked on the phone so much this week I’m sure I have surpassed all minutes used for the last three years in just a week. Hours are passing and I’m not even aware until I hang up. Funny thing is I fucking loath talking on the phone. I think I’m bored because of avoiding so much in my life that talking on the phone has filled a lot of the void.

Se7en: Make It Stop Edition
  • I can’t even stand myself right now. I’ve been super sensitive/irrational for the last couple days, resulting in me taking everything personal. I hate the crazy bitches who do this shit all day errday, so the fact that I’m doing it makes me want to stab myself.    
  • January and February are my darkest months. I’ve really started missing my Pops again, like bad. This week I could have used serious hugs from him and his hardcore reality checks of shut the fuck up and quit whining, because you have it better than most speech. I require tough love. Stupid bad memories and anniversaries are bullshit. I wish I could avoid, but that never works for me when it comes to grief.   
  • Remember how I said I needed to start working on a more social local life a few days ago? Well, I downloaded a dating app. I haven’t created a profile or  opened the app up, but I did download. Baby steps the wise Dr. Leo Marvin suggested.     
  • I have no actual desire to date, like none whatsoever. I just don’t want to spend all my weekends alone in yoga pants in front of Netflix or at the gym this winter. It hasn’t worked the last few so well for me, so I need to change something up. Besides, after last weekend I realized just how much I need socialization and laughter more in my life, I need to hear it not just text a LULZ.    
  • I fear the unknown, because I fear failure. Might as well confess my fear of exposing my vulnerability too. These might be my biggest personal setbacks, besides being a cunt/horrible person/judgemental twat. (Some would say these are my most enduring qualities though.) Oh, and my fatty love for bad carbs setback.    
  • The last two bullets go hand in hand.    
  • I’m almost finished watching Pitch Perfect and I can’t get The Sign out of my head now. FML. Goddamn Ace of Base and their catchy beats.