head on shrimp

     “On our first date, she wanted to try my culture’s food—I’m Vietnamese. She ordered spicy shrimp, and when her plate came out, all the shrimp still had their heads on with their eyes and antennae. She didn’t expect that, so I offered to cut the heads off for her. Now, I call her ‘Shrimp Head.’”


The Signs As Stupid Things I’ve Done

Aries: Broke my washing line and punched myself in the nose.

Taurus: Walked into multiple glass doors

Gemini: Told a little kid who felt his big brother hated him that hate was a strong word and that his brother just probably had a strong dislike for him

Cancer: Kneed myself in the face when I sat down

Leo: Played music on my phone forgetting to put my earphones in

Virgo: Chased my dog with soapy water and threw it at him to try and wash him

Libra: Literally just every time I screw up my words when I’m talking to someone I like

Scorpio: Explained the theory of Beyoncé being possessed by satan to kid I was babysitting ages ago

Sagittarius: Put superglue on my fingers and stuck them together KNOWINGLY

Capricorn: All the nights I didn’t sleep before a day of being surrounded by kids

Aquarius: Slipped on ice in the middle of a conversation and continued to talk while lying on the ground

Pisces: Ate the fucking head of a shrimp like eyes and all