he-smoked-yesterday

Dear Journal,

Be ready, today’s page will be emotional. The full moon is tommorow. My head already hurts. This morning, everything was normal (except form my stress and headache from the full moon coming up). We went to class and everything was great. During lunch, i sat next to Lily’s cousin, Sophie. We were chatting about the next book that our favorite author would publish soon and I could feel Sirius’ eyes on us. I looked at him and his jaw was clenched and he tried to look away. He was jealous poor thing! I thought it was cute. We then went to Potions and Sirius barely talked to me.

“Pads are you alright?” I asked him.

“I’m fine okay?!” He said, starting to scare me.

“Pads if you want to say something… just say it..”

“I said i’m fine!” He responded, getting mad.

I stopped talking, not wanting to get him even more mad. Maybe it was because he stopped smoking. Maybe he just needed some time alone. After class he went for a walk outside and i headed to the library with James. He needed help with his astronomy and I was more than happy to help him. I love astronomy. The stars have this special thing that make them all different and special. James and I sat on a table and i gathered some astronomy books.

“James? Do you know what’s wrong with Sirius? He looked mad today..” i asked him.

“I don’t know.. I mean he quit smoking yesterday.. maybe it’s hard for him..”

“Yeah.. you’re right.. Maybe i’m just imagining things..” i said, looking down at my hands full of scars.

“What’s that star? I don’t remember it’s name?” He asked.

“Come on Prongs! It’s the easiest one to remember! It’s the Sirius star!” I laughed.

“Ohhh! That’s the one our dearest friend was nammed after!” He laughed with me.

“How are things with Lily?” I asked him.

“Things are going in a good way! Since that time we kissed at the ball, she’s been so nice to me… i really hope she has feelings for me because i really care for her..” he said blushing.

“She’ll come around.. She just needs time. Lily is like that. But you’re the one for her mate.. Just take your time..” i told him. He responded with a big smile. I feel like James looks strong on the outside, but he has feelings too and the fact that he shares them with me warms my heart.

We worked for about an hour and James had to meet up with Lily. I stood up to place back the astronomy books on the right shelf and got suprised by a voice behind me.

“Remus?” It was Sophie. She wanted to talk to me about tommorow night. I could see that she was also nervous about the full moon. Her eyes were getting full of tears.

“Remus.. I’m scared for tommorow… it will be the first time i turn into a werewolf in a place i don’t know..” she said starting to quietly sob.

I hugged her close to me. I could feel what she was going through. All that stress that was living inside me from the last week wanted to get out. I wanted to cry. But i didn’t. I couldn’t show her that I was scared too. After a few minutes she pulled away and thanked me.

“Thank you Remus…”

“It’s nothing Sophie.. how about you get a book and go relax okay?”

“Yes.. i will.. thanks again..” she said, walking away with her books in her hands.

I was so tired, so stressed, i wanted to cry but things wouldn’t get better if i did…

I walked out of the library, wanting to go to sleep early but Sirius was waiting by the door. He looked mad. Mad at me.

“How dare you?! I loved you and that’s how you treat me?” He said with his voice really loud.

I wasn’t in the mood for a fight. I was already so stressed and exhausted.

“What are you talking about pads?” I asked, keeping my voice calm.

“Don’t act like you don’t know! Don’t you dare!” He said, his voice getting louder.

“Sirius calm down..” i tried to take his hand. But he pushed it away.

“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN AFTER WHAT YOU DID!” He screamed.

“Sirius i don’t..”

“I SAW YOU! I SAW YOU KISSING SOPHIE!”

“What.. Sirius i wasn’t.. she was crying.. i hugged her.. she was nervous about the full moon.. i would never cheat on you! I love you!”

I didn’t understand.. my head was pounding.. i felt like throwing up.. i was so stressed..

“IF YOU LOVE ME THAN WHY DID YOU KISS HER?!”

I started to cry.. i felt the tears coming in my eyes and i felt like blowing up..

“I thought you were different than that..” he said, disgusted.

“Sirius i didn’t cheat on you!” I screamed.

I fell to the floor. My vision was blurry. Tears were running on my cheeks. I put my palms on the cold floor and tried to breathe. My throat was thight. Air wasn’t coming in. I was sobbing and hyperventilating. I was shaking. All the stress, the pain and all the emotions i’ve been holding up were bursting out. I felt Sirius’ hand on my back.

“Remus?! Remus what’s wrong?!” He nervously said.

“I-I ca..can’t bre-breathe..” i said between sobs.

“Okay sit down… It’s okay Remus.. breathe with me okay? Just like me… You need the relax baby..” he said rubbing my back.

“P-Pads I.. I d-didn’t do.. it..”

I was sobbing. I couldn’t loose him. He was all I needed, all I wanted.

“It’s okay Remus.. i’m sorry.. i shouldn’t have accused you like that… Breathe baby.. I believe you.. i’m so sorry moons i thought i saw… Nevermind.. Breathe okay baby? It’s alright i’m here.. i’m not leaving you..” he said with tears in his eyes.

When my breathing was regular, he hugged me. So thight. He was sorry. Still both quietly crying, we never left eachothers arms.

“I’m so sorry baby.. I accused you of s-something you didn’t d-do and look what i did…” he said, tears on his red cheeks. I wipped them off and kissed his forehead.

“It’s okay Sirius… i forgive you..” i whispered.

He helped me get up, making sure i was okay. We slowly walked to the common room and went straight to the dorm. He helped me lay on my bed and pushed the covers up to my shoulders.

“I can understand if you’re mad at me… I’m really truly sorry Remus.. i can sleep in my bed tonight if you want..” he whispered.

“No.. I want you close to me.. I don’t want to be alone…”

“Okay..”

He slid under the warm sheets and I layed my hed on his chest.

“I love you so much Remus..”

“I love you even more Sirius.”

-Remus
January 24th 1976