he's so perfect i cannot let me cry alone in my corner ok

ok. another probably unpopular opinion alert - from me (oh don’t you lovelies love it?????? omg, no, please stop punching me in the face) - about this shit - because i still am sorta incensed, sorta not-surprised, sorta in the fetal-position about all the “omg he’s so high” and “zomg he is so hilarious!” chatter.

like, i think if we can agree on anything in these tumblrparts, it’s that jared leto is fucking bonkers, man. like, so staggeringly creative and free-thinking that when he is in a mood and sharing with us, what a normal person may see and assume is someone under the influence, is really probably just him. being himself. like, for reals. 

as someone who is operating on a similar wavelength as this perfect mess of feels and fragments, i cannot tell you how many times i’ve had people, people who’ve known me FOR LIFE, like people who are probably a match for me for like a kidney, ask me if i was in that moment with them, on drugs. sometimes, weird people are just weird. and entertain themselves by seeing just how fucking weird they can get.

not saying he is a saint and that our little angellamb would never!, because I’m sure we all know babydoll got down and probably for sure during the years of 2004 - 2007 when he was all up in a crew that contained a lot of so-obvs-that-if-they-sneezed-it-probably-looked-like-everyone-in-their-immediate-vacintity-was-suddenly-in-a-real-life-snowglobe-coke heads, because one does not associate with a shitton of people snorting and not partake for kicks themselves, so hear me out. i just honestly, really do believe those years are behind him. because, realtalk, for that man to have that much happening in his life at all times - in which hundreds of people are dependent on him for income in some capacity, in which he is buying and selling and investing in businesses, in which he is running multiple business, in which he is talking constantly with persons interviewing him and looking for any kinda soundbyte that will wreck him, in which he is a mother-fucking TYPE A bossbitch who has his eye on everything - i sideeye that a man as overworked and overscheduled as he is toking up as much as we all wanna scream he is.

secondly, and more stomach-knottingly, i personally don’t think any second in that Hang W/ was hilarious. in fact, i found it utterly upsetting in ways i am finding it hard to express right now. i think it broke down the wall and was almost a bit too real and endlessly revealing.

1) he appears to be entirely alone. possibly in his new home tho - the combo of that snapchat christmas sweatshirt and his down puffy coat, leggings under shorts makes me think possibly even not in LA because my god it’s 11pm there and still like 65 degrees. but back to alone. entirely alone. endlessly lonely. 

2) there was a lot of tension throughout his face… his lips, his brow, the corners of his eyes, his eyes themselves, that it was hard to watch him speak. 

3) so many moments where he is looking in the camera, but shifts his eyes away, as if he’s stared to long into it, at us, that he’s afraid we’ll catch on.

he’s an award-winning actor but when he’s playing the role of j, his eyes cannot lie.

4) too soon to tell and everything is speculation at all times, but, the “if you don’t show up for work” line was not just some throw away idiom jared felt like tossing out to our ears. i think it was poignant and telling. i don’t think he was referring to himself. at all. this man will fly home to LA from South America, be home less than 24 hours, then fly cross-country to NYC to attend a luggage store grand opening. for free luggage. he shows up for so much all the time. i think this was said directly to someone specific. whose track record at the moment for “showing up” may not be entirely stellar at this time. who knows. SPECULATION. S P E C U L A T I O N.

5) he looked desperate, in a way. like this wasn’t necessarily a cry for help - but like, a cry for someone to give him a moment of attention. affection without conditions. he looked so raw and delicate, his thin legs jutting out before him, splayed haphazardly on a windowsill. i think it’s clear at this point that someone asked him to work on his chill on social media - to not give so much away - of himself, of pieces of himself he never shied from. and i think its clear that it’s affecting him - that loss of connection with so many people at all hours of the day, telling him he’s amazing, and lovely, and wacky, and funny, and letting him be irrelevant on anything and everything. the only truly confirmed-Jared is only really reaching out now via snapchat and now hang w/. which i think says a lot. it’s incredibly hard to faux-jarè on snapchat and hang w/ (for obvs reasons) and i think these two modes of connection and communication are still so relatively new that far less people utilize them than Twitter or IG. i think that gives him a sense of safety to be himself still and less regulated - when it seems at this point his Twitter persona and his Instagram (which is basically repostings of Snapchat or random pictures of him from Into the Wild or from wherevs) are being looked-after by someone not-entirely-JaredLeto.

Ultimately – the Jared we’ve loved and adored since whenever we began to love and adore him, is no longer ArthouseMovieJared, who can do a picture or not do a picture, but when he does it he’s not doing it to be a blockbuster with an expected Opening Weekend Gross of $200million dollars.

Signing onto do a maaaaajor motion picture like “Suicide Squad” with a major Hollywood cast, and director, and producers (the top one being the actual Publisher of the Comic Book series the film is highlighting) is a total game changer. and with that transition, whether we want to accept it or not comes so much more added responsibility and expectations that it’s not even comprehensible. 

Listen, i’m more than excited to see him on the big screen again - because he will first and foremost always be one of my favorite actors - but i’m hesitant to wholeheartedly embrace this role, mainly for selfish reasons. mainly for the fact that we’ll lose him these next few years as he fulfills his contract and completes multiple pictures that, if they don’t film this consecutively a la other franchises - and it sounds like they’re not planning that - he’ll be dedicated to the joker (pre-production, filming, post-production, possible reshoots, maintenance of his look during downtime, publicity tours on publicity tours, worldwide promotions, the premiere, the reviews, the response, if favorably and the film does well financially: pre-production, filming, post-production, possible reshoots, maintence of his look during downtime, publicity tours on publicity tours, worldwide promotions, the premier, the reviews, the response, red carpets on red carpets to regenerate buzz, and so on and so on) probably through 2019. That is fucking terrifying….that is helluva lot of deja vu and dedication.

Times they are a-changin’. And I’m overwhelmed by a foreboding feeling.

[somethin bout that face tells me that those twists & turns ain’t so wonderful.]

Heartbreak Girl - Dan x Reader

A/N: Listen to Heartbreak Girl while reading this! It goes really good because the plot was literally based off of the song. Either version works, but Troye’s matches a bit more, his song is short compared to the imagine reading.

Heartbreak Girl

I can’t believe it happened again. I can’t believe I was so stupid. There I was walking out of Zach’s place in tears. We just had a fight and he was a real jerk about and brushed me off. Last night he was at a club with his friends and apparently one his friends gave a girl his number. Lies, as always what else did I expect with Zach? The girl had been texting and calling him all day and to make things worse, I saw a photo them making out on his friend’s post online. Zach said he was drunk and things happen. I left after that, with my mascara running down my face. I went home to cry on my bed and got some stupid amount of sleep.

Dan’s POV
My phone is ringing, it’s y/n’s ringtone so I got up to answer it.
“Hello?” I say sitting up from my bed with my laptop on my lap.
“Dan?” y/n spoke quietly I could hear her voice breaking. It sounded like she’d been crying.
“What’s up?” I asked trying to sound casual, but I was pretty worried.
“Are– are you at your house?” She said stuttering.
“Yes, do you want to come over?” I offered instantly wondering why she sounded so shaken.
“Yeah. That’d be great.” She responds distantly almost a faint whisper, as if she’s gone. I’m getting quite worried. I nodded my head even though she wasn’t in the room with me, I don’t why.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
Silence. No response, other than shaky sigh. That’s it, something was wrong and I had to know what was wrong with her.
“y/n.” I say sternly. “Tell me what’s wrong please.” I begged, perhaps sounding too desperate as my voice softened.
“I’ll tell you when I get over to your house. Be there in 20.” She said abruptly and hung up before I got the chance to say anything else. I couldn’t even revolt, I am a complete sucker for that girl.
I began to get ready and clean up my apartment. I’ve been in bed having a lazy Saturday and didn’t having meetings or work, so I didn’t bother fixing my hair.
I tried to straighten it as best as I could and put on some skinny jeans and a grey tee shirt. I wondered what was wrong, she sounded so sad on the phone. Well Dan, you’re going to find out so put some clothes on and get ready for y/n.

y/n POV
I walked shakily out of the car. I usually wear eyeliner, foundation, the whole works basically, but I figured I’d be crying today. I opted for some lip stain, minimal eye makeup and blush to put the life back into my cheeks. I knocked on the door.
Dan opened it and waved, instinctively guiding me in, “Hey. Come in.”
As we were going to walk to the lounge, Dan was about to take my coat and put it on the couch. But before he could, I turned around and ran into his arms. He didn’t decline and wrapped his arms around me giving me a much needed warm hug. He held me tight, running over the top of my hair with his hand as his grip on me was protective.
“I broke up with Zach yesterday.” I mumbled into his chest.
Tears began to run down my face once again, and I could feel my eyes becoming red.
“What?” Dan paused pulling me away to look at my face, then said, “Again?”
I cried even harder, “Yes. I know I’m stupid for keep on going back to him and should’ve stopped. But I thought it would work this time and I just— I don’t know h/n.”
“It’s okay.” Dan sadly uttered, obviously empathic for my stupid self.
“I just wanted to make it work you know?” I shook my head.
“y/n, of course you did you’re a good person. You wanted to kept trying, you’re good like that.” He told me with the most hopeful eyes, I guess never really noticed how good he was at cheering me up. But even he couldn’t make me feel better for how incredibly idiotic my actions were.
“No I’m pretty dumb.” I sighed.
He hugged me harder and I felt the warmth of his hand rubbing my back up and down, sighing. It felt so nice to have him hold me.
“Go sit on the couch, I’ll make you something to drink.” Dan whispered in my ear and then seating me gently down on his dark blue couch.

Dan’s POV
When I first saw y/n walk through the door, she looked awful. She was still beautiful but she looked like the life had been taken out of her. I knew it was Zach. That freaking jerk. I cannot believe he messed up again. Jeez what was wrong with the guy. I gritted my teeth. Ok Dan, don’t get distracted. y/n is all alone in the living room, and you need to be there for her. I decide to make her some tea, black earl, her favorite.
I walked back in, much calmer to put the tea on the table and I’m ready to listen to her.
“Thanks.” y/n murmmered wiping away a tear. I hated seeing her like this, what did that jerk do to her?
“So what happened?” I asked with pure sympathy.
She looked up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers and proceeded to speak.

y/n’s POV
I explained to him what had happened. He looked annoyed, then angry and solemn.
“He went out with his friends rather than with you?”
I shook my head, “He does that a lot.”
“Wow. Prick.” Dan spat out rolling his eyes and I laughed a little, it’s been awhile.
“You told him you were upset over him kissing another girl drunk and giving her his number? So he brushed you off.”
I nodded as he put his hand on my leg to comfort me.
“I’m sorry, y/n.” His round deep brown eyes looked furious but he was still he kind self. I just nodded and leaned onto his shoulder, wanting the comfort of my friend.

Dan’s POV
Gradually mine and y/n’s embrace tuned into her in my arms, which I really didn’t mind. In fact I quite liked it, but I didn’t like the circumstances that caused this. Her crying and being all sad, all of it because of that stupid guy. I kinda wanted to punch Zach’s face, actually no, I totally wanted to punch that stupid face of his off hurting y/n. But I obviously couldn’t, so I went back to the most perfect girl in my arms. That girl Zach’s with was probably nothing compared to y/n.
y/n put her hand out to drink her tea. She too looked adorable, but she was heartbroken. I wanted to scream out that I loved her with all my heart and that she could be with me, but I didn’t. There we were sat in my living room both at heart conflicts.
“I just don’t know how I’m meant to get over him. I mean I checked my phone and he’s out tonight with the same girl. He obviously didn’t care about me, but I cared so much about him. How will I ever get over him?” She literally meant every word, as she groaned over him.
“What?” I asked her, surprised. Why would the most perfect girl worry about getting over nor care about a piece of trash?
“I’m just heartbroken.” Was all she could say. Her voice was weak and tired, something she’s grown far too accustomed to and it pissed me off. How could y/n not see how incredible she was?
I tried to bite my tongue and held her tightly. But that was it, I couldn’t freaking lie to her anymore and hide my feelings.
“Y/N, How are you heartbroken over a guy who treats you like crap and is that himself?!” I was angry at y/n for not knowing how she deserves to be treated.

y/n POV
I saw Dan light up with fire. I’ve never heard him raise his voice like that.
“Why are you like this?” I frantically said confused at the boy with brown hair.
“I thought you were my friend?”
Dan puffed out a big breath of air. “Of course, I am you’re friend, y/n!” He said getting defensive. “What the heck, sometimes I wish I was more than just your bloody friend y/n!”
“What?” I’m dumbfounded. Did Dan Howell just confess his feelings to me? I had no idea, I mean he’s always been a great friend of mine but I’ve never seen him like that, especially when I was with Zach.
“Why can’t you just let me love you?” He proclaimed, distressed and upset with watery eyes.
“I didn’t know. Dan, I’m sorry. I just never…” My voice strayed away just my train of rational thoughts.
“What, you never realized?! I love you y/n!” He frustratedly shouted to them become quiet.
I was in shock. Did that just happen? Dan was in love with me. Or is in love with me.
After a couple of seconds pass, all I could say was my true thought, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I quietly ask.
“When you were with your boyfriend or heartbroken?” Dan sarcastic words sharply cut through me. I felt awful and cornered, but I didn’t know how I should’ve felt, my best friend just admitted to having feelings for me. But I didn’t necessarily not mind.
“You put your feelings aside to spare mine?”
Dan’s eye advanced looking down at the ground, “I guess I did.”

I tried as hard as I could to not tell y/n. I thought I’d just live with her being with Zach, but see the way he hurt her, I couldn’t let that happen again without telling her how I really felt. He treated so bad and I could treat her so good, it wasn’t fair. Anyways they’ve broken up, so I told myself it was fine. I confessed my feelings, a bit loud, but I did it and honestly I didn’t regret it. y/n deserves to know that someone loves her and can treat her the way she deserves.

y/n POV
It wasn’t until he said those words, I never really realized it but Dan was an insanely amazing guy. He was caring, witty and smart. He pushed his feelings aside for me, for goodness sake’s. Dan was always there for me from the ups and downs of my relationship to when I had a bad day. Zach didn’t even do such a thing, nor did he care the way Dan does for me. He never left my side and he was the one person I could truly talk to about anything. How could’ve I’ve been so stupid? Why did I not notice that the best person, was right in front of me?

“Dan, I’m so sorry.”
“No, no it’s alright, I’m sorry.” Dan was awfully too polite for his own good. “I shouldn’t have shouted at you.”
I just shake my head in dismissal of his earlier voice volume, and mutter another sorry.
“Just forget about it, y/n.” Dan said trying to brush it of, in a harsh yet disappointed tone.
I saw how broken he was, from his eyes to his voice, to his entire aura.
I placed my hand on his, but he pulled away.
“It’s fine that you don’t feel the same way, I just needed to tell you.” Dan focused on his hands fidgeting.
“Who said I didn’t feel the same way?” I looked at him, bringing his face to see mine.
He hacked, “Don’t pity me, y/n.”
“No, you don’t pity me Dan.”
He looked confused as I continued, “Please don’t pity me for not seeing the best thing that’s ever happened to me. For not seeing that the guy, who I can talk to anytime and cares about me so much, was here the whole time. Please don’t pity me because I was too concerned in other stuff, to realize that you love me.”
Dan opened his mouth and was about to speak, but I cut him off, I needed to tell him. My eyes began to water and he cracked a small smile.
“And Dan Howell please forgive me, when I tell you that I truly love you, as you do me. That I was just too stupid to realize that you’d always be there for me because you love me. I’m now ready to do the same for you, because I love you.”
I felt tears trickle down my face. But these were different tears, they were happy tears. I looked grinningly at Dan and saw his watery eyes. He was smiling like a little kid and then went to wipe a tear from my face.
“So will you forgive me?” I smiled, grabbing his hand and he held it tight.
“There’s nothing for me to forgive you for.” Dan leaned into my lips. He pulled my lips over into his softly and sweetly. I didn’t decline and let him instantly, insanely satisfied that I did allow myself in his soft lips and mouth. Dan then pulled away slightly to whisper,
“y/n, I love you so much. Always have, always will.”
I blushed and my heart melted at that, pulling him back into our embrace.
“I love you too, Dan,” I tell him with slight tears in my eyes.
“Thank you for waiting, for all those times I was just a heartbroken girl over dumb guys.” I say bittersweetly, brutally honest at myself.
Dan scoffs before pulling my head close to kiss me on the forehead.
“I promise I’ll never break your heart.”