he's searching for shepard

Moving in Tandem

[[Summary: I’ve read so many lovely things where Garrus and Shep have a magical first time, but I can’t see these awkward dorks doing anything other than completely messing up. So, without further adieu, and VERY NSFW: the very first romance scene.

Also on AO3!]]

Garrus tasted like cinnamon, bringing back childhood memories of warm drinks on cool nights, those rare moments the childhood gang Shepard had run with managed to steal something with actual spice to it.

Her sudden inhale must have startled Garrus; their kiss broke off and he backed away gently, hands up. “You okay, Shepard?” His concern was immediate and sharp, and while Shepard certainly didn’t mean to laugh at him, she couldn’t resist cracking a smile.

“Relax. Everything is good, Garrus. More than good.” Ah shit, how could she say this without sounding nothing like Commander Shepard? Shepard and Commander were intertwined now, even in her own head. “You, uh… taste like cinnamon. Human spice we use sometimes.” If she could inhale her words back in that moment, she would have.

Garrus seemed to take her words as a challenge. “You taste like toothpaste,” he finally declared, faintly challenging, as if he wasn’t quite sure if cinnamon was an insult or not.

“Garrus, how do you know what toothpaste tastes like?” Resigned to the moment being more-or-less dead, Shepard sat down on the edge of her bed, patting next to her and leaning on Garrus as he joined her, a head on his shoulder.

A bashful twitch of his mandibles and Garrus mumbled a barely-audible reply. “Ate it once. I was curious to see what the fuss was about.” 

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A Perfect Memory


opallight​ requested:  “I want Kaidan realizing he might want more than friendship with Shepard, maybe during his stay at Huerta memorial?“

As long as you’re okay with it being 2400 words and extremely esoteric, read on!


He’d been taken out of his drug-induced coma for only four days, and the doctor had told Kaidan that—starting the day after tomorrow—he’d be cleared to see visitors. Not that there was anyone to see him. Except maybe Shepard.

But Shepard was out saving people, just like he always did. Even when he was working for Cerberus. That was where Kaidan should’ve been. Helping people. With Shepard.

That last thought alarmed him—

“Major, would you like some company?”

“Yeah, hi there Thane, I’d actually really like some company I think,” Kaidan put his hands on either side of the bed and tried to push himself up, but Thane was at his side in a moment. He hauled Kaidan up with surprising strength—a slow and even pull, still the sudden shift made Kaidan’s temples throb. “Thanks.  You probably shouldn’t have though…”

“I am fine, Major. My condition is well under control.”

“I think we’ve known each other long enough were you can call me Kaidan, Thane.” Despite not being allowed visitors, Thane had been the first sight Kaidan had seen upon waking up—he had almost assumed it’d been a dream until the drell returned every day to keep Kaidan company. He had made a promise to Shepard after all.

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Garrus and Zaeed taking Joker to a gun range and training him in advanced weapons, even a pilot needs to know how to fight and he’s not going to ever be a victim again, not while they’re around. Joker laughs to himself, Zaeed is just like Shepard but takes checks and Garrus is just like Shepard but with a stick up his ass alright, he chokes back a sob- he’s going to make you proud Commander

Samara teaching Jack meditation per Jack’s request shockingly and Samara even going so far as to teach Jack how to Reave in their downtime- it is good to have a daughter again, one who is strong and smart and wild, a bittersweet glance at a daughter she could have known

Kasumi and Jacob don’t really have a chance anymore, but Jacob and Brynn have woken up to housewarming gifts and stuff for the baby more than once for it to be a coincidence

Miranda, Karin and EDI share private conversations, and with the help of a certain Shadow Broker, have begun detailed research and planning into experimental medical procedures on both genetic alteration and a certain disease known to cause brittle bones. Their great contributions to humanity start close to home

Spectres Williams and Alenko, both having survived Virmire, reach out for Council support in claiming the Normandy from the Systems Alliance in Shepard’s alleged wake, it would best be used serving all species, as the Normandy’s inter species crew has shown. It’s their last tie to Shepard and the family they’ve grown to love and a part of the team, and they’d never hear the end of it from Joker if he was forced to serve under anyone else in the Alliance brass

Tali'Zorah works and lives beside Geth on Rannoch, and somewhere in between the caution and the rebuilding she finds herself researching- Legion could be out there, separated into thousands of platforms, thousands of Geth. Shepard would search for it, for him, he is a vas Normandy after all and family sticks together

Grunt and Wrex rebuild Tuchanka, the seasons harsh but the Krogan stronger; there will be plants, cities, revitalisation, peace. Krogan are warriors but they’ll be so much more, they will be protectors too. Aralakh Company welcomes the new Shepard and Solus divisions, the strongest and smartest from all of Tuchanka, behind their new Krogan namesakes. Men and women who stand as the Paragons of their people, their own N7s of sorts

Kolyat sifts through the final vids of the Normandy and the files sent from the Shadow Broker content that his father had awoken again thanks to a new family of odds and ends from around the Galaxy. His omnitool shuts off after he hits send, a letter of thank you to Vakarian and Bailey for their letters of recommendation- the first day of a Spectre training program has begun

Admiral Hackett stands before a grand veil outside of Alliance HQ, a crowd solemn and grateful, as he speaks his slow, meaningful words. “Heroes,” “saviours,” “role models,” commending the best of the best. Unveiled is a statue of Shepard and Anderson, side-by-side, looking towards the stars in salute, and engraved in it is the name of every single person, human or alien, who gave their lives in the fight against the Reapers. Unity it is titled, and unity it brings

Liara stands beside Feron, unlimited information before her fingertips but a pause before she hits the button. She is barely 117, a child, but she is here thanks to her friends and family, thanks to Shepard. Feron puts his hand over hers and presses the button with a small nod towards her: out goes the complete and detailed story of Commander Shepard, every loss, victory and obstacle. Every bit of information classified or not suddenly being downloaded across the galaxy. The people will remember Shepard

Kaidan Alenko is a ranking officer in the Alliance Navy. He lead his own team AND leads an entire division. He’s a Major, two or three steps from Admiral. He’s the strongest L2 biotic in the Alliance, and likely the highest ranking biotic in active service. He fought alongside Shepard in the search for Saren. He has extensive combat training and diplomatic knowledge.

But nah he ain’t qualified to be a Spectre not at all.

Anderson pulls Kaidan into his office, moments after they arrive on the Citadel. He feels it all over his body, the exhaustion, the shock, the sheer panic, but straightens up anyway. Anderson isn’t going to want to see the current acting captain of the Normandy falling to pieces.

“Son, we have to talk,” Anderson says, his voice gripped with fear. 

Kaidan swallows and nods. Eyes welling with tears. He hasn’t eaten in days, and his skin wears days worth of scruff. He can hardly keep his eyes open and the tears sting at them something awful.

“Where’s Shepard?” he asks, voice cracking.

“Kaidan, we’ve sent search parties all over the crash zone and the only lifepod we were able to recover was Joker’s. And he was the only person in it.”

“She could be out there,” he says, voice gripped with pain. It sounds like he’s been stabbed, or currently being strangled. Nothing calm or okay about it.

Anderson pauses, his face registering with pain. “We have more than enough reason to believe that the Commander did not survive the crash.”

Kaidan’s mind doesn’t register the words they way they should. Shepard, dead. The love of his life, gone and torn away from him forever. Nothing more.

And suddenly, the world breaks into pieces. He doesn’t collapse into horrible sobs, or even scream, as much as he wants to do both. Instead, he eases himself into the nearest chair, and poorly convinces himself that he’s not dying.

A single, painful sob shoots through him, but that’s all. There’s hardly anything left in him, and he didn’t think it could all go away so quickly.

All he can think is:

I’m not sure if I kissed Shepard good morning that day.

The Ghost of You (FShenko)

He sees her everywhere he looks. There’s always something that reminds him of her. He tries to move on, but her memory haunts him. Post-Alchera.

Also available on AO3 and FF.net 

Why is country music so good for inspiring angsty fics? I listened to Luke Bryan’s song “I See You” pretty much the entire time I spent writing this.

A HUGE thank you to my wonderful beta and friend, Mordinette, for her help with brainstorming and editing, and most of her support and encouragement <3

Placed undercut due to length. Enjoy :)

Why Kaidan had let his friends talk him into this, he would never know. He hated clubs. The pounding bass and pulsating lights were already wreaking havoc on his senses, and they’d only been here for an hour. A migraine was threatening to make its presence known right behind his eyes. This had been a very bad idea.

Just as he was about to make some excuse to leave, another frosty beer was placed on the table in front of him. What number did this make now? Five? Six? He looked up to find Lieutenant Lukas Matthews, a man he’d met in basic and had become fast friends with, grinning at him. “Drink up, Alenko.”

His group of friends had been forcing alcohol down his throat most of the night, insisting that he move on and forget. That he needed to live again.

There was only one man in their group not urging Kaidan towards a drunken stupor. He was the only one who truly understood.

Joker sat across from him, baseball cap pulled low over his green eyes, shoulders slumped and both hands gripped tightly around his own bottle. Guilt surged through him when he met the other man’s gaze. Their friendship had become somewhat strange after the attack five months ago. Kaidan didn’t blame Joker for Amara’s death. Not really. But he wanted to. He wanted to blame the pilot for being so damn stubborn, for not following orders to abandon ship and forcing Amara to go back for him. He knew Joker had his own share of guilt, perhaps even more than him.

But the blame was his. If he’d only disobeyed her orders, just once, she might still be –

His throat constricted painfully as her face flashed before his eyes. The long, wavy auburn hair that always felt so unbelievably soft between his fingers. High cheekbones, bright emerald green eyes that crinkled around the edges when she laughed. The dimples in her cheeks when she smiled for him…

Kaidan squeezed his eyes closed, trying to force the painful image from his mind. God, he missed her so much.

She was why his friends had dragged him out tonight. He knew his friends’ intentions were noble; they wanted to help him move on and forget her. Not that they knew who she was, with the exception of Joker. All they knew for certain was that he’d lost someone he’d cared about, but they didn’t have a face to go along with it. They’d asked repeatedly who this mystery person was, but Kaidan refused. He wouldn’t tarnish her reputation, no matter how much he wanted to shout to the heavens that he’d fallen in love with the most amazing woman he’d ever met, and his commanding officer.

And I’ll never get to hold her again…

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Nightmares [Random Drabble]


Garrus jerked awake. His chest raised and fell in rapid succession. Droplets of sweat rolled down his face and chest. His hand flailed to the other side of bed; groping the sheets in desperation.

Cold cotton met his hand. His head turned and saw nothing laying next to him. Panic gripped him. His chest began to hurt.

He sat up and scanned the room. His eyes went back and forth, searching. “Shepard?” he called out. His only answer was the bubbling of the fish tank and his own panting.

He rocketed out of the bed. Pacing around the room, his eyes darted from the couches to the desk. “Shepard?” Again, no answer.

As he neared the bathroom, the door slid open. “Garrus?” Shepard’s head peeked around the corner. Her red hair swished. “What’s wrong?”

Garrus stopped short. “Shepard,” he whispered. He rushed over. His long arms gathered her and held her to his chest.

Shepard snuggled in. “Hey.” She pulled away enough to look him in the face. “What’s wrong?” Her head tilted.

Garrus pulled her back in. His hand combed through her hair. “Just a nightmare.” His forehead nuzzled against hers. “Only a nightmare.”

“What was it about?” Shepard’s voice was muffled. Her arms wrapped around the turian’s waist.

His hug tightened. “You.” He paused. Images of the dream went through his head. “I should have never left you. I should have gone with you into the Crucible.” He swallowed hard. An itchy dryness settled in his throat.

“Garrus.” Her voice was strained.

As he exhaled, his chest shuddered. “When we found you,” he started. His grip stiffened. His breathing deepened. “I couldn’t even recognize you. You were covered in bruises and gashes. And all that blood.” His eyes closed. “I’ve never seen so much blood.”

Shepard pulled away. Her hands cradled her lover’s face. “Garrus. They need you.”

Garrus nudged against her hands. “I need you, Shepard.” A hot sensation pricked the corners of his eyes. “No Shepard without Vakarian, right? It works the other way too, you know.” He choked up. A sob escaped.

“Garrus,” Shepard pleaded. She wiped away his tears with her thumbs. “Please.”

Anger bubbled in his chest. “I gave you the order to come back alive.” He slipped away. He ambled towards the desk. He leaned against it, using his arms as support. “Why?” He coughed back another sob. “Of all the orders to disregard…”

Shepard’s arms snaked around Garrus. Her head rested against his back. “Garrus, you have to be strong.”

Garrus sighed. “I know.” He stood to face Shepard. His hands cupped her face. A thumb traced her cheekbones. “I wanted to marry you, you know. Become Mr. Garrus Shepard.” A bitter chuckle. “I’ll always love you.”

“I know.” Shepard searched in Garrus’s eyes. “But it can’t stay like this. Garrus-”

Garrus brought his lips down to Shepard’s. His face lingered close. “Please just a little longer.”

“You need to wake up.”

[Caption:  For me, the most inspirational character from the ME trilogy was Garrus. He isn’t as confident as Shepard or his teammates, he is constantly searching for himself and has doubts. In spite of that, he evolved from a hot-headed and sort-of narrow-minded Turian to a character that was able to support everyone the best way he could. His development made me realize it is never too late to find my true potential.]