he's like man you should see me eat

A Normal Night // A Phan One-Shot

Genre: “I’m your waiter and you’re on a crappy first date” AU, fluff

Words: 3.0k

Relationship Status: strangers to lovers

Warnings: little bit of swearing

Summary: Phil, a waiter at a small restaurant, notices that one of his customers, a cute boy with curly hair and beautiful brown eyes, isn’t having a good time, as his date is quite pushy. Phil decides to intervene.

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Double Take

Originally posted by marvel-freak

Originally posted by marvel-freak

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: To say that you were shocked when you thought you slapped your boyfriend’s ass, but instead it was someone else, was an understatement. 

Word Count: 1034 words

Warning: Light swearing, Bucky being a smartass. 

A/N: Something fun I wrote while I was stuck with a writer’s block for Chamber of Secrets. Let me know what you think!

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Fake Love | CH 1

Plot: After escaping a toxic relationship, your mother is unhappy with you being single and constantly pesters you to find a partner. You hire a fake boyfriend to please her. 

Pairing: Jin | Reader (Angst, Fluff) 

Genre: Romance, Drama 

Warnings: No warnings for this specific chapter, but for future chapters, there might be some minor sexual stuff so I will add warnings! It won’t get that wild

Word Count: 10105 

Chapter Two

Author’s Note: This is a very long chapter and I might regret writing so much, but tell me what you think! This fanfic is going to be long! I really love it when you guys comment and tell me your thoughts! It makes me want to write more to be honest ʕ •́؈•̀ ₎ I was listening to Avenue on repeat while writing this chapter ต( ິᵒ̴̶̷̤ ﻌ ᵒ̴̶̷̤ )ິ ♬

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anonymous asked:

Dean seeing Cas get hit on by a dude has been on my wishlist and is still there, season 13. Just sayin'. He doesn't even have to be overly jealous, i'd just like to see some sort of reaction to Cas responding positively to the notion of being with a man.

That would be a potentially useful visual aid for Dean, yeah.

It doesn’t even have to be a big thing. Just on a case, Cas interviewing someone and Dean sees the guy flirting with/hitting on Cas, and he gets worried that Cas is out of his depth, but Cas smoothly (or even awkwardly) flirts back. Dean’s surprised, but he lets Cas “get the win” because all that flirting does get them the info they need to solve the case.

Cas comes back to share the info with Dean while tucking a bar napkin with the guy’s phone number on it into his pocket, while Dean goes on about how good a job Cas did leading that guy on… but he gets all weird about the napkin…

“You don’t need that anymore, Cas…”

Cas looks confused. “But Roger invited me to dinner with him tomorrow night.”

Dean stutters out, “And you’re going?”

And Cas is like, “I don’t see why not. He seems like a nice enough man. He was very helpful with our case.”

And Dean goes through about nine different counter-arguments, ranging from but you don’t even eat to maybe Cas doesn’t get that he was being hit on. He finally blurts out, “I didn’t know you were even interested in men… that way.”

To which Cas just shrugs and glares at Dean.

Two Timed

Prompt: “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“Hurry up you idiots, that bat will be here soon and I want to be ready to leave before then!” (Y/n) yelled as the men scurried around, trying to pack up her large arsenal of guns ranging from hand held pistols to bazookas.

“Careful with that weapon Charles. I’d hate to be blown up anytime soon” (Y/n) hissed, leaning over the rail she was standing behind.

“Yes, it would be a true pity to have your pretty little ass blown up” (Y/n) spun around a satisfied smirk gracing her features.

“So the bat is not coming tonight. Pity” Red Hood towered over over (y/n), his helmet hiding his features as he held his tongue.

“What? Is there something on my face?” (Y/n) laughed, jumping down from the railing and running towards the mob of men who were picking up any random weapon, aiming it at the vigilante. Her feet pounded on the concrete the sound of rapid fire music to her ears.

Red Hood smiled under his helmet, watching for a moment as (y/v/n) ran. Some days he just loved getting to fight her. When the first bullet pinged off the metal door he sprung into action. Taking out his own guns and making short work of the muscle men. (Y/n) glances back, her eyes locking with Red Hood’s for just a moment. ‘Damnit those idiots can’t even survive a second’.

“Come and get me Red! I’ll be up top!” (Y/n) yelled before climbing out the window and shooting her grappling hook. She gave one last smile before flying up. Red Hood grunted, following the girl, only to find the rooftop empty.

“Is that a gun or are you just really happy to see me?” (Y/n) smirked, landing gracefully in front of the large man.

“Can it be both?” Red Hood remarked, his hands hovering over his pistols. (Y/n) smirked stepping forward, her head slightly titled.

“Come on Red, take off the helmet for me” (Y/n) sauntered close enough to touch the man, her hands ghosting over his arms. Red Hood paused for only a moment before complying. He ran a hand through his unruly hair, a grin eating at his lips as he saw (y/v/n) pause.

“Like what you see?” Jason commented, wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her against his body.

“Possibly, though I’m not quite sure yet” (Y/n) ran her hands up his arms, thinking of the best way to escape if she should need to.

“How can I convince you then?” Jason’s voice was low and gravely, almost a whisper in (y/n)’s ear.

“They say…” (Y/n) leaned closer to whisper in Red Hood’s ear, her lips brushing against him, “actions speak louder than words” In an instant Jason’s lips where on (y/n)’s, both fighting for dominance. Jason’s hands went to (y/n)’s ass giving it a rough squeeze as (y/n)’s fingers ran and tugged at his hair. Jason lifted (y/n) up, causing her gasping, and giving him the slight advantage as his tongue began to explore her’s. Jason backed the pair of them into a wall, pinning (y/n) against it, a shit eating grin on his face.

“If you weren’t a bad guy I think that we could do this more often” Jason mumbled between kisses as he started to nip at her neck.

“If you didn’t work for the bat I’d say we could do this much more often” (y/n) sighed, the feeling if electricity taking over her body.

“Ahem. I’d hate to break this up you two, but (y/v/n) we finished loading up the supplies and need to leave now.” Two-Face stood glaring at both of them. Jason looked down at (y/v/n), confused.

“This part ain’t personal Red” (Y/n) pulled out a taser, jabbing it at his neck before he could react. He collapsed, his legs giving out almost instantly. “Though, I can assure the rest was” (Y/n) winked before walking out behind Two-Face and into the night.

Requested by anon:  “I met you last night when you were drunkenly patting my dog in my backyard at 3 in the morning and when i asked you what the hell you were doing you slurred something about dogs being great and then you threw up on my feet and then fifteen minutes later you were passed out on my couch so that’s why you’re here right now also what the fuck is your name and why were you patting a dog in a stranger’s backyard in the middle of the night”

Taking a steadying breath, Dean steps outside, into his darkened backyard.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he shouts, his grip on the baseball bat tightening.

His German Shepard Zepe barks at him in a way of greeting, waggling her tail happily as the stranger keeps stroking her ears. A guard dog my ass Dean thinks as he takes a few more steps forward.

The guy kneeling on the grass looks innocent, burying his face in Zepe’s soft fur, but he’s still a stranger petting Dean’s dog in the middle of the night, so he lowers the bat, but stays alerted.

“Hey, dude, seriously, what the hell?”

The stranger finally looks at him, one cheek still pressed to the dog’s back. As the light coming from the open back door illuminates his face, Dean can see he’s approximately his age. His eyes are blue and a bit glassy.

“S’ry, needed to,” he slurs, hugging Zepe tightly and the dumb dog climbs into his lap, looking at Dean like she’s asking him to join the cuddling session.

Dean sighs when the guy mutters something about dogs being great. The guy is obviously harmless, but it’s late and Dean wants to sleep.

He grabs his shoulder, startling Zepe who jumps away.

“Look, man, you should really-”

Before he finishes, the guy doubles over and barfs, hitting Dean’s shoes.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean sighs.

“‘m sorry, so sorry,” the guy keeps mumbling as Dean drags him inside. He can’t even really be mad. The guy is drunk out of his mind and in no state to go home. God knows Dean’s been there many times and he’s still grateful to all the people, strangers or friends, who kept an eye on him.

He settles the guy on his couch and wraps a blanket around him, he’s been outside in just a shirt for god knows how long and he’s shivering. He’ll be lucky if beside a killer of a hangover he won’t wake up with a cold.

Looking at the guy’s looping eyelids, Dean decides it’s safe to leave him alone for a minute. He returns with a glass of water and some Advil and gives it to the guy.

“Thank you,” he whispers and washes the pills down with the water. He tries to place the empty glass on the coffee table, but wobbles and would fall on his face if not for Dean catching him.

“Easy there,” Dean soothes him, sitting down beside him and taking the glass from his hand.

“Whoa!” the guy gasps, his eyes suddenly wide open and fixed on Dean’s face.

“What?” Dean asks with a chuckle, he can’t help himself, this is just too surreal.

“You’re pretty pretty,” the drunk bastard says, his eyes roaming over Dean’s face. Dean huffs out a laugh.

“Stow it, Casanova.”

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anonymous asked:

i have a request for a prompt : sana and elias have a heart to heart talk and yousef is brought up.

Sana opened the front door of the apartment feeling quite tired after a long school day. After all the stuff with Yousef, she hadn’t been able to keep her mind in place. Even the russ bus wasn’t enough to distract her from thinking about him. She kept thinking about the flowers he had handed to her, his attentiveness when she was speaking, the butterflies he was able to give her while simultaneously bringing her a sense of calm. Sana had wondered if this was what being in love felt like. But love shouldn’t be this difficult, should it? She caught herself thinking.

Sana took of her shoes and outerwear and walked around the apartment to ensure Elias didn’t have his friends around so that she could take off her hijab. It was a rare occurence that they weren’t around, you’d think they had been adopted by Sana’s family the way they always hung around. Sana sighed out of relief that she could take off her hijab now, but she couldn’t lie to herself and say she didn’t feel that sting in her stomach from realising that Yousef wasn’t here. 

As she took out the pins in her hijab she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about if she were to marry Yousef. If it was possible. She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about the day of the wedding when she would be his and he would be hers. The day they would begin their lives together. The day he would see her without her hijab, the day she would open up to him completely and let him in. She imagined a look of awe painted over his face. Or at least that was what she hoped. She still wasn’t even sure if he liked her. 

“Sana?” she heard Elias call out from inside his room.
She heard the opening of a door and seconds later he was beside her and fully occupied by the inside of the fridge. Sana looked at him, sceptical of whether or not she should talk to him about friday. About why he got so drunk. She had a million questions in her head but she had no idea where to begin. 

“Uhm, El-”
“Do you know if we have any spaghetti left from last night?”
Sana shook her head lightly. Elias was acting really casual, perhaps too casual. 

Before she could think, she blurted out, “What happened last friday?”
Immediately after she worded her thoughts, he looked over at her with a mix of guilt and nervousness. Which in turn made Sana nervous, she was worried about him. 

“I-, I really don’t want to talk about it,” 
Sana rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. Now he decided to be a man of few words? Sana gave him a stern look nonverbally telling him he needed to answer her. 

Elias walked over to pick up a fork and he started eating some potatoes. He looked disgruntled and very tired overall. 


He gave out a loud sigh and said, “I said I don’t want to talk about it, especially not with you. I’m supposed to be a good role model to you according to mom. You weren’t supposed to see me like this, Yousef should have never called you.”

The mention of Yousef made her heart skip a beat.

“Also, whats going on with you and Yousef?” Elias meant to sound casual but there was a clear hint of cautiousness and interest. He inched closer to the table at which she was sitting.

Sana was thrown aback by his bluntness, although that was his trademark after all. 

“Wha- what do you mean?” she said, in a miserable attempt to act casual. She started taking out a biology book and her laptop from her schoolbag and wished he would take the hint. But instead, he sat down beside her and rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. 

“Come on, you can lie to mom all you want, but not to me,” 
Sana just hinted at her biology book in response, resolved on not giving him any answers. She was far from ready for that talk, especially from her brother.

“Yousef’s been talking about you, you know.” that made Sana’s eyes shoot up at Elias in shock. A million thoughts were going through her mind at that moment. What had he told Elias? How much did Elias know? What did Yousef feel?

Through all these different thoughts in her head, all she found herself uttering was one simple word, “Oh,”

Elias was staring intensely at her, trying to figure out what she felt. “Yeah, uh, he told me he needed to talk. About friday. He really likes you.” When Elias finished the sentence she hadn’t even noticed she was holding her breath. Sana felt a slight blush forming in her cheeks. 

“What about you? Do you like him?”

Sana had no idea what to answer to that. The fact that she was even having this conversation baffled her. “I- It doesn’t really matter does it, nothing can happen anyway,” She responded in a grave tone. Sana looked up at Elias and noticed his worry for her but also his confusion. 

“What do you mean?”

“Elias, you know why,”

Elias looked at her with understanding painted all over his face. He loved his sister and couldn’t bare seeing her looking this sad. 

“Just because he isn’t muslim? Sana, you and I both know he’s a better guy than most of the other guys who actually do believe in islam.”

“But.. What about mom and-”

“You never used to care about what people thought, why start now? And also, I wouldn’t even be friends with the guy if I didn’t think he was good enough for my sister.”

Elias was right. This made Sana fill up with love for her brother. She couldn’t believe how supportive he was, even though he could be extremely annoying and nosey, but when push comes to shove, he knew what to say and do.

Sana knew what she and Yousef had felt right, she knew that they had something special. 

Superbatbros AU - Meeting the kids, part 1

(idle thoughts on the Superman-as-Batman’s-brother idea)


Bruce: (showing Dick around the Cave) This is the computer, there’s the med bay, and over here we have-

Clark: (flies in) BRUCE! Alfred called me about your latest case and- (noticing Dick for the first time) …uh…should I just…come back later?

Dick: O.O

Bruce: Don’t bother. (gestures at Clark) And over here we have Superman.

Clark: Hi!

Bruce: You’ll likely be seeing more of him since he lives here sometimes.

Clark: Mostly holidays and the occasional weekend. (smiles)

Dick: ( ✪ ᗜ ✪ )  


Jason: Hey, so about the strange man in the kitchen wearing headphones and eating a whole tub of coconut gelato. Is he your boyfriend, or should I call the cops?

Bruce: …strange man?…oh mY GOD-

Jason: Is that a yes on the cops?

Bruce: (racing down the hall) CLARK, GET YOUR OWN DAMN GELATO!



Clark: I know you don’t like me in Gotham after dark - I swear I was just passing through! Thought I’d drop by and say hi when I found this little guy. (lifts Tim up for inspection)

Clark: He was following you through the Bowery. No comm, no adult, though he did have a camera. And get this! (to Tim) How long have you been following Batman, Tim?

Tim: …seven months.

Clark: (smirks) Seven months, Batman. You spent the last seven months with an eleven year old following you. With a camera. What was it you’re always telling me? About how I should be more aware of my surroundings? How I shouldn’t assume that my senses will catch every interloper?

Bruce: You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?

Clark: Definitely not.


Conner: You live in a mansion?

Clark: No, I live in a condo. My brother lives in a mansion.

Bruce: That closet of yours doesn’t deserve to be called a “condo.”

Clark: Stop shaming my condo, Bruce.

Conner: Well, it is pretty small.

Clark: …

Bruce: Thank you. (to Clark) Don’t worry about this one, I like him already.

Clark: Too late, I’m already worrying.

Paul Imagine

i love your imagines you are such an amazing writer. i wish i could write as good as you. could you please do another paul lahote plus size reader imagine. where they spend time around the pack at a bonfire or something and at first paul didnt want her as an imprint but changes his mind.

“Leah,” you called her into the room, “I don’t know if I’m feeling this outfit.”

“You look great,” she told you and flung herself onto your bed. “What’s wrong with it.”

You tugged on the shirt. “I feel like this is too tight for this area,” you waved around your torso.

“Trust me,” it’s not. You look awesome,” she reassured you.

“I just don’t want to meet your pack for the first time looking nasty.” Tonight was the first time you’d be meeting the guys that were like her second family. You knew about her and Seth and what they were and were eager to learn more about the people she was always with.

“Y/N you look more than awesome. Let’s go or the guys will eat all the food before we get anything.”  

You two pulled up to Sam Uley’s house just as the sun was setting. “Sam, this is Y/N,” she introduced you. “Y/N, Sam. And that’s Jacob, you know Seth, Jared…”you heard her list off everybody’s names just got caught in looking at a man she called Paul because he was almost staring through you. His gaze was unfaltering until Leah went back to talking to you. “So, want anything to eat?”

“Ugh, sure, let’s go check out what they have.”


“Why does it seem like you’re trying so hard not to socialize with anyone,” Seth said sitting down next to Paul.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he dismissed.

“You’re acting weird. You’re hardly talking to anyone and you aren’t even eating anything.”

“Well, I’m talking to you aren’t I. If you want me to eat than go get some burgers,” he said defensively.

“Will do man,” Seth hopped up and left to her Paul food. When he came back to Paul he saw Paul looking right at you from his seat. That’s when it clicked; he had seen Sam look at Emily like that. “I see what’s up,” he said handing Paul his food.

“No, you don’t.”

“Y/N’s your imprint isn’t she?”

“Keep your voice down,” Paul barked at Seth.

“Why? Y/N’s cool. You should just go talk to her.”

“I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t need to talk to her. I don’t need or want something else to worry about, especially one that’s crazy enough to be friends with you and your sister,” he growled.

“Your loss,” Seth said before leaving to talk with you.

As it got completely dark the marshmallows were brought out and everyone sat around the campfire making s’mores and swapping stories. You noticed Paul get up and walk into the house were the food and drinks were. “I’m going to get a water, Leah, you want one?”

“No, thanks though.” When you got to the kitchen Paul tensed up.

“Paul, right?” He nodded his head. You looked around but didn’t see any water. “Do you know where the waters are?”

“Um, in the pantry right there,” he pointed.

“Thanks,” you smiled. You grabbed a water and happened to leave the house at the same time as Paul, who carried a plate of chips. When you walked down the steps you missed one and felt yourself hitting the stair. Paul tried to grab you and, in the process, dropped his chips, which were now scattered around the steps. He was freaking out on the inside, about to ask if you were ok, but you started laughing.

“Oh my gosh,” you broke out into laughter. “I’m such a clutz. Ow, that kind of hurt,” still laughing you got up and rubbed your butt. You looked up and saw Paul’s confused and worried face. “Oh no, your chips. I’ll get you some more.”

“No, it’s ok,” a smile broke on his serious face. “I can get them. I’m afraid of you going back down those stairs,” he joked.

“Oh not cool,” you laughed.

You went and took your place between Seth and Leah. When Paul came back out he bent over and said something into Seth’s ear. Seth got up and took the spot Paul had been sitting in. “How’s your butt,” he joked sitting next to you.

“Good. How’s your chips?”

“Good,” he chuckled. He leaned a little closer to you, “Hey, Y/N,” you looked at him, “would you want to go out Sunday?”

You nodded, “Sure,” you smiled. “As long as there are no steps for me to trip down.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Don’t Mess with Jim Bob

By mrs momona © 2017

Jim Bob Cleaver stood before the Judge, blond head bowed, looking at the floor, hoping that he was acting humble enough. His lawyer had told him not to smirk or even smile during his trial for receiving stolen goods, and to try to look and act like the fair-haired football hero that he had been when he was the big man on campus at the local high school. None of it had worked, not even the expensive new “preppy” clothes which his girlfriend had bought for him to wear to the trial. The jury had found him guilty, the judge had revoked his bail, and here he was, squeezed into a bright orange jumpsuit, hands cuffed together in front of him.

Jim Bob’s bright blue eyes remained staring at the floor as the Judge started speaking. “Jim Bob, our whole town has known you all your life. You were the high school football quarterback, homecoming king, and senior class president. You were truly destined for big things when you graduated from high school four years ago. You had the whole world in front of you. Instead of making something for yourself, you chose to drop out of college. Instead of working and supporting yourself, you chose to sponge off your girlfriend…”  Jim Bob struggled really hard to avoid smirking at this point. He thought to himself that the Judge might call it sponging, but he would just call it payment for services rendered. In return for keeping his girlfriend happy in bed, she supported him, and actually gave him everything he wanted—new car, fancy clothes, all the pot and beer and good food he wanted, all of it.

The Judge continued, “…you chose to sponge off your girlfriend, but it wasn’t enough. You wanted more, and formed a criminal ring to earn more money for yourself. Even though you didn’t steal any cars yourself, you hired others to do the dirty work while you took a cut off the top of the selling price of every stolen car which was resold. Because this is your first offense…”

Look serious, look serious, Jim Bob told himself. This is it. He stared at the floor and tried to focus on his bright orange jumpsuit as a way of avoiding showing any hint of the cockiness that had always been the main feature of his personality. Actually, Jim Bob’s view downwards was blocked by the round orange-clad bulge of his big fat belly and the two smaller round bulges in the tightly stretched orange cotton cloth which marked his fat bulging man boobs.

“…I hereby sentence you to one year in the State Prison, followed by five years probation.” The Judge stopped speaking. Jim Bob looked up at him, and said in a voice which he hoped sounded sincere, “Thank you, Your Honor.”

As Jim Bob was led out of the courtroom, he turned and glanced at three people sitting right behind the defense area. His girlfriend Polly was crying, tears running down the cheeks of her flawlessly made up face, auburn hair glistening in the bright courtroom lights. Her expensive silk dress showed off her 44-22-40 figure. She still looked like the high school cheerleader and only child of the wealthiest man in town she had been when she and Jim Bob become an item their sophomore year in high school.

Next to Polly sat Chester, Jim Bob’s first cousin.  Tears streamed down Chester’s round cheeks. He and Jim Bob were the same age, had been raised together, and thought of themselves as brothers. Although he now had the build of an offensive guard-gone-to-fat, he had been the receiver on the same football team Jim Bob had quarterbacked. Next to Chester sat Brittany, Chester’s girl friend since high school.

Polly mouthed to Jim Bob “I love you” as the guards led him into the back room.

No one else from Jim Bob’s family was there. He was an only child, and his father, one of the local preachers, and his mother had both passed away from lung cancer within two years after Jim Bob’s graduation from high school—they had always been heavy smokers.

In the Guard Room behind the courtroom, the guard motioned to Jim Bob to take a seat.  Jim Bob eased himself down. The orange jumpsuit was so tight that Jim Bob had to sit carefully for fear that a seam would fail. Wouldn’t do for the big shot of the local high school to suffer the embarrassment of bursting out of his clothes, even if it was only a jail uniform.

At that point, another guard came in, carrying a large McDonald’s bag. Jim Bob recognized Billy Jones, one of his high school football team mates who had been a tackle. They had been known each other in high school but hadn’t moved in the same crowd. After high school, Billy had gone into law enforcement and now he was proudly encased in a snug guard’s uniform. Their paths had parted aside from the “wassup’s” they exchanged when they ran into each other around town.

“Hey, man”, said Billy, “thought I’d bring you some lunch. You’ve got a long trip ahead of you this afternoon, big guy.”  He patted Jim Bob’s bulging belly as he said this. Like most of their classmates, he couldn’t get over how much Jim Bob had let himself go in the four years since high school graduation. “Thanks, dude,” replied Jim Bob, “breakfast at the jail this morning wasn’t much.” He opened the bag and took out the three double quarter pounders with cheese, supersize fries, 20 piece nuggets, 3 fried apple pies, and large strawberry shake.

“This may be your last good meal for a while, man”, said Billy .” I hear that at State Prison, all the inmates are on tight rations.” He couldn’t help but stare at Jim Bob as he said this. He thought to himself how Jim Bob had changed since their football days when at 5’9”, 160, he was one of the best quarterbacks in the state. Usually a polite guy, Billy was kind of surprised at himself when he heard himself asking Jim Bob, “say man, not to be nosy, but how much weight are you carrying now?”

Jim Bob laughed and drawled, “No problem, dude. When I was arrested , they weighed me in at 292. Think I must have dropped a few on that jail food since then, though.”

Billy thought to himself, 292! No wonder the other guards were talking about how they were having a hard time finding a jumpsuit to fit Jim Bob. Jim Bob’s big round belly and big bulging man boobs, his thick love handles,  his enormous protruding round butt, and his thick thighs stretched the thin cloth of the jumpsuit in all directions.

“Wow, friend. You really have picked up some pounds since football.” Billy thought this was a good topic for conversation to distract Jim Bob from his prison sentence. Jim Bob scarfed down his lunch as they waited for the van to take Jim Bob to prison. Jim Bob replied to his old teammate, talking while eagerly chewing mouthfuls of food.

“Well Billy, I guess I’m a sure enough fat boy now”, Jim Bob drawled, “…you know how it goes. After football was finished the weekend beer and pot parties started to put some pounds on me. At first, I thought Polly would mind it when I began to put on a pot belly and my ass started chubbing up, but dude, it’s like the fatter I get the more she likes it. Billy,  I mean, she LOVES it.”

The two 22-year-olds exchanged knowing glances, Jim Bob thinking back to how hot Polly was as she worshipped his expanding body, and Billy just thinking of how hot Polly always had been.

Jim Bob continued, “As far as Polly is concerned, dude, all I have to do is lounge around all day eating and relaxing while her daddy’s money just rolls in. So, I’ve been livin’ high on the hog! I just need to make sure ‘Little Mr. Jim Bob’ here is ready for action whenever she wants it.” He laughed as he reached beneath the watermelon sized bulge of his fat belly and grabbed his crotch for emphasis.

“Hey man, there’s nothing bad about getting fat. Most of the guys on our team have really porked up since we stopped playing football. I must have put on a good 50 lbs myself ever since I passed the physical to become a guard and could relax a little. And looks like your cousin Chester has been doing some good eating, too.” Billy laughed and patted his own belly.

Jim Bob drawled, “Yeah, ol’ Chester’s put on about a hundred or so. He tells me his girlfriend always bugs him about his weight, but dude, you should see him shovel the food in when he comes over for dinner. He’s a big ol` heifer. The only time he stops eating is when there’s no food left.”

By this time, Jim Bob had finished the McDonald’s lunch and wiped his greasy hands on the bag. “I really appreciate this, Billy,” said Jim Bob, and for once he actually was sincere. “Well, for old times’ sake, dude”, said Billy, who was never not sincere, “just want you to know that whatever happens, we’re still friends.” When Jim Bob heard this, he felt a little guilty for all the times he thought Billy was a hopeless square, certainly not one of the super cool in-group in their high school class.

The van soon arrived and with some effort Jim Bob hoisted his tightly-encased bulk into the back. He was on his way to prison for a year.

Jim Bob handled prison OK. Always a smooth talker and a manipulator, Jim Bob also knew when to take a low profile and keep his mouth shut. The big shock was his first day, at the orientation for new inmates. He was issued his prison uniform, this time a bright red jumpsuit worn over a white T-shirt. When he went to put it on, he found that the legs and rear end were very tight. He could only pull the front zipper up to a couple of inches below his deep bellybutton. The mass of his fat round belly and the wide roll of flab around his waist blocked any effort to hoist the zipper up higher.  When he said to the trustee inmate who distributed the uniforms that he needed a bigger size, the inmate laughed and told him not to worry, it would fit “soon enough”.

He next was taken to the infirmary, where another trustee weighed and measured him and the other new inmates while they waited for the doctor to check them out.  5’9” Jim Bob was weighed in at 290 lbs. “Boy, you’re a big one!” exclaimed the trustee, a large black dude named Rasheed who looked like nobody gave him any back talk. “But that fat’s gonna disappear soon.”

Jim Bob was curious. “Why?”

Jim Bob’s question was answered by the doctor, a grim-faced elderly man who was standing in the doorway. “You prisoners are not sent here to get fat, or in your case, fatter, on taxpayer’s money. All our prisoners are on strict portion control. 2050 calories a day, just what is needed to keep a sedentary young man healthy.  No seconds ever. It’s a matter of economics. If we let all you prisoners eat whatever you wanted, we’d have to cook three times what we do now, and we’d end up with a lot of fat boys like you, young man. And don’t even think of buying snacks. Those privileges are strictly limited.”

At that point, another inmate went into the physician’s examining room, the door closed, and Rasheed started to talk again. “Yeah, friend, even if you have the money to spend on snacks, they charge $5 for a Hershey bar at the prison store. So, that tight uniform you have on now will be loose on you mighty soon. You won’t believe it, but when I came here five years ago, I weighed 380. Now look at me…I’m lucky if I’m 235. Now, friend, do me a favor and walk over to that table and chair so I can take your blood pressure.”

Jim Bob did as he was asked and Rasheed followed him.  Jim Bob noticed Rasheed checking him out with a look of amazement on his face. Rasheed then said to Jim Bob,  “Man, you are REALLY fat. You got the biggest ass I’ve ever seen—on a white boy, that is.” Jim Bob smiled, grabbed a thick roll of his soft bulging love handle, and turned on the charm. “Yeah, brother, it’s all due to my girlfriend. She likes me big and fat.”   Rasheed was nostalgic as he said,”Yeah, man, that’s how my lady was   too.” He then added, “Well, when you get out of here, there’s gonna be a lot less of you for her to love.”

Everything turned out to be as the doctor and Rasheed had told Jim Bob. Because of prison overcrowding, meal times were brief. The food was well prepared but there wasn’t much of it—just enough for one serving per inmate—never any seconds.  Because of the large number of inmates, chances for a prison job were almost zero. There was a weight room, but inmates had to take their turn—an hour a week max for each inmate. Jim Bob was in a low security area with other non-violent short-timers like himself. All the inmates there kept out of trouble so they could go home as quickly as possible. White, black, latino and Asian, in this part of the prison, they all had only one thought—getting released on schedule. Jim Bob turned on his charm and worked at getting along with everyone and minding his own business. So, Jim Bob spent most of his time watching TV, thinking of Polly, and waiting for visiting day every Sunday..

At first, Polly came every Sunday. She cried, but not enough to mess her makeup. She filled Jim Bob in on the news.  She was so lonely without having Jim Bob and “Little Mr. Jim Bob” around. She missed feeling Jim Bob’s weight on  her while he pumped her. By the way, Brittany, Chester’s girlfriend, had dumped him and moved to Biloxi. Polly felt sorry for Chester, he was devastated. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. If Polly hadn’t been so hot and so rich,  Jim Bob would have gotten bored with her chatter years ago.

Jim Bob noticed over the next few weeks that Polly talked more about Chester. She felt so sorry for Chester since he had been dumped, and a nice guy like him too. At the same time, Jim Bob noticed the look of disappointment on Polly’s face as she noticed how he was losing weight. Rasheed, the big trustee who had talked with Jim Bob that first day, was right. After a month, Jim Bob had lost 20 lbs. on the jail rations and was steadily dropping weight.

It was about this time that Chester began to come to visit Jim Bob with Polly.  Only one visitor at a time was allowed, so Polly ended her conversation with Jim Bob early. She left the room and Chester came in. Jim Bob noticed right away that Chester was getting fatter. When Jim Bob said he was sorry to hear that Brittany had dumped him, Chester replied, “That bitch? I’m glad she’s gone. I got me a much better situation now.” He then stopped abruptly and changed the subject to talk sports, leaving Jim Bob with a vague feeling of uneasiness.

The next weekend, only Chester came to visit. As Jim Bob watched Chester walk into the room, he noticed that Chester seemed to have gotten even bigger and flabbier during the previous week. His tight white polo shirt had ridden up on his blubbery belly, revealing a three-inch-wide loaf of soft pink new belly fat ballooning over his pants as Chester walked forward toward Jim Bob, a big  smile on his face.

“Where’s Polly?” asked Jim Bob.

“Oh”, said Chester, “it’s her  time of the month.  She started to get cramps real bad when we were eating breakfast this morning. She said to tell you she’ll come by real soon.”
Eating breakfast this morning? Chester getting fatter? Jim Bob felt a wave of suspicion and anger as he abruptly asked, “Chester, are you fucking Polly?’

Chester turned white, and his jowls and chubby cheeks started to quiver. “Ah…ah…ah…, come on, Jim Bob. We’ve been like brothers ever since we were born. Would I do that to you?” Jim Bob’s anger was intense but still not quite strong enough to cause him to lose control. Anyway, he was separated from Chester by a Plexiglas partition. Jim Bob forced himself to stay calm by repeating to himself, “Don’t do anything to screw up your release date.” Soon, the visit with Chester was over

The next week, Jim Bob received a letter from Polly. She was sorry, but having him away was harder than she thought. Her needs were too great for an absentee boyfriend who wouldn’t be released for ten more months. Sorry, Jim Bob.

Another letter arrived for Jim Bob about a month later. Billy, his high school teammate who was now the jail guard back in his hometown, wrote out of the blue, saying that he and the guys on their old team felt bad for Jim Bob and the way he was being treated by Polly and Chester.  Chester had moved in with Polly and was parading around town bragging about what a good life he had now. The letter closed with “Just want you to know, Jim Bob,   that you have some friends back here in your home town and we look forward to getting together with you when you’re released.” That letter made Jim Bob feel a little better, but not much.

For the next ten months, Jim Bob was a model prisoner.  His only thought was to get out of prison on his release date and to head home. After getting the letter from Polly, Jim Bob moped around and lost his appetite. He went to meals because he had to but ate only enough to keep himself going until his release. He just didn’t have his old taste for food any longer.

The old pre-prison Jim Bob had grown to love food, the great feeling being nice and full gave him, and the big round belly and ballooning fat ass which were the result of all the excess calories. The new Jim Bob couldn’t care less. The results soon showed. Jim Bob steadily continued to lose weight. By the time Jim Bob was released, his jumpsuit had grown baggy on him.

Jim Bob’s release date arrived. He stopped by the infirmary for his release physical. He was measured at 5’9”, 170 lbs. Rasheed congratulated him on his release and added, “friend, I still remember how ya were that huge ass white boy who waddled in here a year ago. See, didn’t I tell ya that ya were going to drop some pounds here? Now you look like most of the other white boys around here—no butt at all on ya.”

Rasheed and Jim Bob both laughed, but then Jim Bob turned grim. “Say, man, you’d lose your appetite too if you found out your lady had dumped you and was screwing around with the guy who had been closer than a brother to you!”

Rasheed replied, “Shit, man, now THAT is disrespect!  But, man, get on with your life. The bitch ain’t worth nothin’ now. Find someone else. Don’t ya go getting caught at anything again and have to come back here. Good luck, man.” Jim Bob really was sincere when he shook Rashid’s hand and wished him good luck too. For sure I’m never gonna come back here, Jim Bob thought. As for finding someone else, he’d have to take things as they came along.

Jim Bob stayed with Billy the jail guard and his family for a week until he was able to get a furnished room in the home of an elderly widow lady. Jim Bob got a job at the local Burger King and after a month was appointed night manager. He made an effort to avoid going anywhere that he might run into Polly or his cousin Chester. The pain was still too great, and besides, he didn’t have the money to go to those fancy places now anyway.

A week later on a sunny Saturday afternoon, Jim Bob was with Billy, some of the other members of the old football team, and their families at a picnic at the local lake. The day was filled with fishing, swimming, touch football, card playing, talking, and eating—a most enjoyable country Saturday afternoon.

Jim Bob and Billy were talking when Billy suddenly stopped and pointed over to the parking lot. “Well, lookee who’s here.” Jim Bob recognized Polly’s Mecedes SUV and he grew quiet, his eyes narrowing. Polly stepped out of the driver’s seat, and after a few minutes, a large figure emerged from the passenger side. The man had his back turned to Jim Bob, but then as he turned and noticed  Jim Bob, he started to approach Jim Bob and Billy.  It was Chester, bare-chested and wearing only a huge pair of shorts, ready for a cooling dip in the lake.

Polly stood next to the SUV as Chester slowly waddled forward. Each massive thigh rubbing past the other caused Chester’s enormous hanging belly and sagging, basketball-size man boobs to shift and sway from side to side. While Billy and Jim Bob stared at this spectacle, Billy said softly, “Jim Bob, that’s one thing I didn’t tell you when you were at prison. From the day Chester moved in with Polly, he started piling on the pounds. I heard he has to weigh himself at the Feed and Grain Store now.”

Chester finally reached Jim Bob and Billy, and held out his hand, a broad smile dimpling his round face. “Jim Bob, it’s good to see ya. I jes` wanna let ya know that I hope we can be like brothers again. Let’s put everything in the past, man.”

Jim Bob ignored Chester’s outstretched hand, and Chester barely finished talking before Jim Bob, eyes narrowed into slits in his anger, bowed his head and suddenly rushed forward, punching at Chester, trying to knock him off his feet. 465 lb Chester didn’t move. Jim Bob’s 170 lb body didn’t even make him take a step backwards when Jim Bob slammed into him. Billy was able to pull Jim Bob away before his flailing fists caused any damage to Chester’s fat-padded body.

Chester backed up a few feet and flexed his fat-sheathed biceps, sending ripples on his huge drooping man boobs and the rest of the flab which draped his torso. “Look, small stuff,  I gave ya a chance. Don’t challenge me until ya put some meat on that sorry skinny body of yours and we can go at it man to man. That ain’t gonna happen, though, is it, little cousin? Looks the the big deal former fat boy has turned into a twink!.” At this, he turned his back on Jim Bob and Billy and started to waddle back to Polly, still standing by the SUV. His wide sagging ass wobbled and jiggled in the huge pair of shorts which covered Chester’s wide hips and bulky hindquarters. .By the time he reached the SUV, Polly had entered the driver’s side. Jim Bob glared in anger, Billy still holding him back, as Chester maneuvered himself into the passenger’s side. The SUV seemed to sink about a foot and settled under the impact of Chester’s bulk.

“You’ll get yours, Chester, I promise, you’ll get yours.” Billy was surprised at the depth of the anger in Jim Bob’s voice. “Nobody disrespects me like that and gets away with it.”

“C’mon now, buddy”, said Billy at this point. “Remember you’re on probation and one arrest will send you back to prison.”

Jim Bob suddenly put on his charming smile, the smile which had gotten him so many things all his life, and said to Billy, “yeah, you’re right. That fat shit ain’t worth it.” That’s what he said, while in his mind he began to think of a way to get his revenge.

Over the next eighteen months, Jim Bob kept up his new life. The townspeople were pleased to see how he changed after his stay in prison. He seemed more humble, somehow, and definitely harder working. He frequently worked overtime at Burger King and joined the local gym. He didn’t find any special lady in his life, but like many single guys his age, he had no problems picking up someone at a club or a beer joint on the weekends, so “Little Mr. Jim Bob” was reasonably happy. He avoided Polly and Chester at all costs. One sight of Polly’s Mercedes SUV, the only one in town, and Jim Bob headed the other way.

When not working at the Burger King, Jim Bob took his meals at any of the cafes and small restaurants in town which served good “down home style” southern cooking. The waitresses who served Jim Bob soon began to give him bigger portions as he turned on the charm, smiled his perfect smile, and left bigger tips, too, Managing a Burger King meant lots of free food and people began to notice that Jim Bob was rapidly putting on weight again. Only natural, too…it was expected that 24 year old guys like Jim Bob would be putting on some pounds. It was the way things were for all country boys, not just the ex-football jocks. The more the waitresses noticed the roll developing around Jim Bob’s middle and the way the rest of his handsome body was quickly porking up, the bigger his portions became.

Jim Bob’s landlady did her share to aid Jim Bob’s growth. He was so nice to her (he really was, this was the truly sincere side of Jim Bob that showed itself on occasion), doing yard work and  fixing things around the rooming house, always stopping to chat and pass the time of day when he saw her sitting by herself.  His landlady began to prepare special treats for her handsome young tenant. Jim Bob, on returning from the late shift at Burger King, would see a note on the door of his room in his landlady’s handwriting telling him to check the ice box for a special treat she had made for him. It became a nightly ritual—pans of rich corn pone, mixing bowls full of banana pudding, pecan pies—Jim Bob would take a glass of cold milk or sweet tea, and enjoy his treat even though he had just come from closing the Burger King where he had finished off all the leftovers.

Jim Bob’s lifting at the gym meant that a lot of his new weight was solid muscle, but Jim Bob was also proud when he noticed how his fat pot belly and big fat jutting butt were redeveloping., not to mention how thick his quads, glutes, hips, chest, arms and shoulders were getting.

As Jim Bob rapidly grew bigger, some of his lifting buddies at the gym started kidding him about the “fat-over-muscle look” or “big bellied power lifter look” he was getting, and some of the customers at his Burger King took to joking with Jim Bob about how he was becoming a “walking advertisement” for that great Burger King food.

Jim Bob always laughed, and hoped he sounded sincere when he always drawled in reply, “yep, just enjoyin’ the ‘good life’, I guess” while he patted his fat round belly. The waitresses who looked forward to his good-natured kidding with them when he came in for his meals, and his landlady who now was kept busy letting out his clothes and repairing split seams and popped buttons so that Jim Bob could delay spending money on bigger sizes for a little while, all were happy to see him seeming to enjoy life and eat well. After all, he had paid his debt to society, right?

Inside, though, Jim Bob was still  seething with anger at Chester. But, Jim Bob never let his inner feelings show and turned on the charm whenever and to whomever he needed to.

Jim Bob had the charm turned on full blast the day he showed up at the office of a diet doctor in Nashville. It had been a  long drive from his home town. Jim Bob gave the receptionist all the information needed from new patients. He told her he was going to have to pay cash—didn’t have any medical insurance—and signed in as “John Smith”. In a few minutes, he was shown into the doctor’s office. The doctor checked him out—pulse and blood pressure normal—and than asked him to strip down to his boxer shorts and got him on the scale. It read 325 lbs. The doctor took note of the bright red stretchmarks which covered his new patient’s wide love handles, fat belly, and big round man boobs, how “John Smith”’s pot belly  and love handles erupted over the top of his boxers, and how the thin white cloth of the boxers was pulled skin tight across his wide hips and enormous round fat butt cheeks, making the fly gap wide open so “Little Mr. Jim Bob” was visible, nestled in curly blond pubic hair.

“John Smith” went back to the seat next to the doctor’s desk, his flab jiggling and quivering as he walked, and started talking. “You see, doctor, I’ve got to do something about my weight. I’ve put on over a hundred  twenty-five pounds in the past year and a half and it seems like I just can’t stop eating. My boss has told me that if I don’t start to lose some weight, I’m going to be fired from my job.” “John Smith” just oozed that old Jim Bob sincerity.

The doctor replied, “Well, Mr. Smith, I see what you mean.  We have a lot of young male patients who started out in good shape, like you, and just have ballooned up.  I can see you have a lot of muscle, but your stretchmarks indicate how much fat you’ve put on recently.”

“John Smith” replied, “Yeah, doctor, I’m hungry all the time. I just can’t stick to a diet. I’m desperate, doctor!.” His voice had just the right note of pleading in it.

“Mr. Smith, let’s try some appetite suppressants for now. I’ll give you a prescription for the newest drug on the market. I’ll call in a prescription for a month’s supply to the pharmacy right downstairs.  You should notice a decrease in your appetite right away which should make it easier for you to stick to the diet my receptionist will give you on your way out. Just be careful—these pills are very powerful  stimulants. If you notice any signs of your heart racing, or if you feel faint, call me immediately. But, even though you are much too fat for a young man your age and height, you are basically in great shape and should tolerate the medication well.”

As Jim Bob left, he picked up the diet sheet  scheduled an appointment for a month away, paid his bill in cash, went downstairs to the pharmacy and paid cash for “John Smith”’s  prescription.

Jim Bob had a shit-kickin’ grin on his face as he headed out onto the interstate for the long drive back home from Nashville. He made a stop at a McDonald’s for a nice big lunch, tossing the diet sheet and next-appointment card the diet doctor in Nashville had given him into the trash as he left McDonald’s. On the drive back, he ate the fries and finished off the box of chicken nuggets and half a dozen fried apple pies he had bought as a snack. Still feeling a little hungry, he made a stop at a Stuckey’s and bought a pecan log. Back in his car, he tore into the sweet treat,  rubbed his big belly, savored the taste of the pecan log, and smiled as he thought how well the day had gone.

What luck that the diet doctor had actually prescribed for Jim Bob the very medication he had learned about on the internet. Boy, Jim Bob, reflected, the old “Jim Bob charm” is still there! To think that the doctor would actually fall for that crap and think that Jim Bob would ever want to be a skinny twink! What a jerk the doctor was! Didn’t he realize that there were plenty of good ol’ country boys like Jim Bob who took pride in their big appetites and  the weight which padded their frames with every extra calorie?

When Jim Bob got home, the prescription bottle with the thirty capsules went into the bottom bureau drawer, under some socks, waiting for Jim Bob to need them.

Two more months went by and Jim Bob continued his daily routine—working, lifting, socializing with his buddies and acquaintances around town, and eating big. He put on another twelve   pounds, more fat than muscle, but Jim Bob was pleased.

He was real happy the day his landlady gave him back the latest pair of pants he had asked her to let out for him. Giving him the pants, she drawled, “Land sakes, Jim Bob, I swear you’re fallin’ away to a ton! You’re gonna havta buy size 52 pants in a little while—I can’t let these out any further. But ya carry the weight well, son! And I must say it does my heart good to see the way ya enjoy your food.!” Much to her surprise and pleasure, Jim Bob, that shit-kickin’ grin on his face, gave her a peck on the cheek. Jim Bob grinned because he had come to truly care about the kind old lady, and he also knew that he was at last ready to deal with Chester.

Jim Bob kept his ears open around town when he stopped to talk with any of his old friends. While in the past he automatically tuned out whenever Chester’s name came up, now he discretely listened carefully to what was being said about his cousin and now mortal enemy.

Billy the jail guard and Jim Bob’s other buddies did talk about Chester a lot. They couldn’t help but talk about their classmate who was now living a life of ease, supported by Polly’s money. There was speculation about what it was Polly saw in Chester, especially now that he was so enormously fat. One of the guys who worked at the Feed and Grain Store reported that Chester had last weighed in at 587 lbs, quite a change from the 5’10”, 165 lb wide receiver he had been in high school. Jim Bob’s buddies all had put on some weight  themselves—shit, it was normal, wasn’t it?—but ol’ Chester had really taken it to an extreme. Stories spread around town about the stupendous appetite Chester had developed, and it seemed like every week there was a new story about how much  Chester had eaten—three dozen biscuits with gravy, a dozen helpings of cheese grits. One glance at Chester as he waddled breathlessly from the SUV to whatever food place Polly had driven them to confirmed the stories.

One day, Jim Bob heard that Chester and Polly would often go on a Saturday night to a road house over in the next county where there was good country music and great food. Some Saturdays Chester would go alone if Polly had taken a quick trip to Atlanta or New Orleans for a weekend of shopping. Jim Bob quietly arranged his schedule at work so he always had Saturday nights off.

A month later, on a dark, moonless Saturday evening, Jim Bob was sitting in his car in the road house parking lot, close to where the familiar Mercedes SUV was parked. He was wearing dark clothes. The door to the road house opened and a large shadow emerged and started moving slowly toward the parking lot. This had to be Chester, thought Jim Bob, as he quietly got out of his car and slipped behind the SUV.

As Chester stood next to the driver’s side door, panting from the exertion of waddling out to the SUV, fumbling to reach into the pocket of his skin tight pants for the car keys, he was thinking of the great meal he had just devoured—three double orders of fettuccine Alfredo, a loaf of butter-soaked garlic bread, and five desserts, washed down with an entire bottle of red wine.

He was feeling some discomfort in his chest. Maybe this was what they call heartburn? Too bad the cashier at the restaurant didn’t have any antacids or anything when he paid his bill. Maybe he shouldn’t have had that last piece of apple pie topped with cheddar cheese and a double scoop of ice cream—but it looked so-o-o good! He thought how proud and happy Polly would have been to see how much he was able to eat tonight. She just loved it when Chester pushed himself to eat huge, and she always showed her love in the bedroom as soon as they got home.

Still thinking of Polly, Chester was massaging his immense sagging belly and trying to force a belch when a shape rushed at him from out of the darkness and hit him like a ton of bricks. 337 lb Jim Bob hit Chester low, knocking him off balance. The next thing Chester knew, he was flat on his back with a hand clamped tightly over his mouth, feeling a heavy weight sitting on his massive stomach. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he recognized that the weight was Jim Bob.

Chester was gasping for breath and motioned that he wanted to speak. Jim Bob took his hand off Chester’s mouth, but at the same time reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun which he held to Chester’s temple. It was too dark for Chester to realize the gun was only a toy.  Chester managed to gasp, “Jim Bob, cousin, what are ya doin’? Remember, we’ve always been closer than brothers.”

Jim Bob replied quietly, “With a brother like you, I don’t need any enemies. Now you’re going to get what you deserve for disrespecting me.”

Still holding the toy gun to Chester’s head, Jim Bob reached into his jacket pocket and took out a plastic bottle of Coca Cola and the pill bottle.  Deftly uncapping the cola bottle, Jim Bob opened the pill bottle, poured the capsules into his hand, and put them up to Chester’s mouth. “Okay, ‘brother’, open wide and swallow”. Chester, still breathing heavily and actually gasping for breath—the most exercise he had gotten during the past three years was lifting his food-laden fork to his mouth as often as possible and then lying on his back in bed every night while Polly rode him—swallowed the capsules and then took a gulp of the cola from the bottle Jim Bob shoved up against his fat lips.

Jim Bob’s final words to Chester were, “Now, Chester, into the car and relax. Just sit there for a few minutes and everything will be just fine.” Jim Bob hoped his mock sincerity was believable to the huge man struggling to his feet next to him, still gasping heavily from the combined effects of his heavy meal, the bottle of wine, and the shock at what had just happened.

Chester managed to open the car door and back his bulk into the driver’s seat of the SUV, making the vehicle settle under his tonnage.  He sat there, still trying to catch his breath and grasp what had just take place. Was it a dream or what? If only Polly was there! She’d take him to get something to eat and everything would be jes’ fine again! Chester felt his heart racing as he grew drowsy. That was it! Maybe he jes’ needed a little nap! That would make things better! He closed his eyes….

Jim Bob waited a few minutes, checked around the SUV to make sure he hadn’t left anything behind, went back to his car, got inside, and sat there quietly for about ten minutes more. He was happy that his luck was holding. No one had left the road house during the time he had confronted Chester.

Five minutes more passed and Jim Bob started his car and drove out of the parking lot. Not a sound came from the huge man sitting in the SUV.

On his way home, Jim Bob stopped at a Denny’s and ordered a complete fried chicken  meal, with a side of a 6-egg ham omelet, a double order of hotcakes, and a double order of cheese grits.  After he finished eating, he went to the men’s room and noted with pleasure how the bulk of his big belly, huge round buttocks,  and wide meaty hips practically filled the stall. After relieving himself, he took the empty pill bottle from his jacket pocket, and peeled off the label, which got flushed down the toilet. The now-unlabeled pill bottle went into the trash. Jim Bob belched contentedly as he got into his car and headed home. The toy gun soon went back into the toy chest of his landlady’s young great-grandson..

Two days later, Jim Bob scanned the local newspaper and noticed a story at the bottom of page one. “Local Football Hero Found Dead”. He read further, “Chester Cleaver, 26, was found dead early yesterday morning in his SUV parked at the parking lot of a well-known roadhouse on Route 28. Cause of death is suspected to be a massive heart attack.  According to waitresses at the roadhouse, Mr. Cleaver had eaten a huge meal there, as was his habit. He seemed in good spirits as he left the establishment about 10 p.m., although he mentioned to the cashier that he had some discomfort in his chest area. The waitresses and cashier reported that he was breathing heavily as he left the roadhouse. Local sports fans will remember Mr. Cleaver as the star wide receiver on our local high school team seven years ago  The police report lists Mr. Cleaver’s death as cardiac arrest brought about by his weight, reported to be 587 lbs, and the enormous meal he had just consumed. No autopsy is planned.”

Chester’s funeral was held two weeks later. Jim Bob was there and sure seemed sad. For appearances sake, he even managed to squeeze into his good suit—his landlady had to let out his dress pants as far as possible in the waist and rear so he could shoehorn his big round ass into them while his belly ballooned over the waistband–and he wore a dark tie. At the grave yard, Jim Bob stood with his head bowed as the prayers were being said. He was staring down at the big round bulge his pot belly made in his tight white dress shirt (his suit jacket was so tight he couldn’t button it, leaving the round mass of his fat pot belly proudly on display)  and forcing himself not to betray any sign of the broad smile he felt inside. The old Jim Bob phony sincerity was there in full force.

As the prayers continued and Jim Bob stood with his head bowed and eyes closed, he noticed the familiar fragrance of an expensive perfume. Head still bowed, he opened his eyes and noticed an expensive black silk dress on the female figure which had appeared next to him.  A gloved hand reached over, and unseen by the other mourners, gave Jim Bob’s big soft fat butt cheek a hard squeeze. Polly!

Jim Bob heard Polly softly whisper, “I don’t know what it was that caused me to dump you, Jim Bob. All I know is that I’ve missed you for a long time, sugar. Why don’t we meet back at my place this evening?”

Jim Bob said nothing. He struggled even harder to control the smile  he felt inside as he continued to pretend to pray. His stomach rumbled with hunger while “little Mr. Jim Bob” stiffened to attention. Jim Bob was already thinking of his future…..

The RFA goes ghost hunting + Saeran

Jumin Han
▪thinks this whole thing is ridiculous but still has Jaehee schedule a night to go hunting at a small haunted ski resort just a few miles from where he lives
▪he’s not even scared, just….irritated?
▪you make him promise to leave his paperwork and work-related things at home which Jaehee will prob pull you aside later and thank you very much for
▪sighs very loudly whenever Seven plays one of his tricks or tries to jumpscare the group
▪"I wonder how Elizabeth is doing, I hope she doesn’t miss me too much while we’re here. I should have had Assistant Kang stay behind and watch her"
▪"We’re trying to fend for our lives here and you’re worried about that stupid furball?!“
▪Jumin and Zen nearly get into a fight which you and Jaehee have to break up
▪he also complains about the air frequently and makes sure you’re wearing a mask like a good boyfriend would (he gets headaches often and wouldn’t want that to happen to you aww)

▪absolutely has no idea as to what is going on….or why Yoosung keeps screaming
▪since he’s blind, his sense of hearing is heightened
▪that’s not a good sign
▪especially once Seven successfully trolls everyone and they run out scared, leaving V alone and clueless in a supposedly haunted room
▪….you can piece the rest together yourself

Kim Yoosung
▪what did he ever do to you?
▪granted this was Seven’s idea, but still
▪latches onto your arm and is shaking very hard
▪promises to protect you from scary ghosts but nearly pees his pants when Zen sneezes (dust, y'know?)
▪"What if we get possessed?!”
▪cries for his mom

Jaehee Kang
▪this woman
▪this woman is made of steel I s2g
▪she flinches a few times but mostly finds the interior and history of the building fascinating
▪spends most of the trip telling you stories and lore about the resort, which makes you happy because Baehee is happy
▪probably threatens Seven if he tries to scare you
▪which, if you do get scared, you know you can always cuddle Jaehee’s arm and she’ll Judo the hell out of those ghosts

Saeran Choi/Unknown
▪why did you think bringing Edgelord McGee was a good idea
▪just why
▪"boy do I sure wish *I* was a ghost"
▪"why? because they have cool powers and stuff?“
▪"no because they’re fukCING DEAD”
▪….yeah, you’re on your own

Saeyoung Choi/Luciel Choi/707
▪has a lot of fun
▪sets everything up before hand and makes sure everyone has flashlights, snacks, the functioning recording equipment, etc
▪spends a lot of time trying to prank Yoosung
▪hacks into the cameras and sound equipment to make it seem like ghosts are after you but let’s be honest
▪a 70’s horror film has better graphics
▪he’s so excited that you just let him have his moment
▪also insists on rummaging through the drawers and shelves until he comes up with a bunch of really expired mints
▪"hey guys do you dare me to eat one?”
▪"Seven, NO"
▪"oh man, three? you’re really crazy, Jumin, you know that?“
▪he should have listened bc they were really gross
▪you secretly know the resort isn’t really haunted & that every article Jaehee found was fabricated by him, the great 707

Hyun Ryu/Zen
▪Zen was most against this trip from the beginning
▪he isn’t religious and tends to doubt things like ghosts so he just doesn’t see the point
▪he was even more against it when he found out that Jumin was planning and paying for everything but you convinced him it’d be fun
▪so here he is
▪in a dingy, closed down ski resort that is supposedly haunted
▪you owe him big time
▪he does get scared once once or twice, though
▪and when he gets scared, its not you who is clinging to his arm
▪he takes a lot of smoke breaks and tries to steal you away but Seven catches on and tells everyone about how you’re going to go make out but really Zen just wants peace and quiet

~Reposts prohibited unless you reblog it from me only. Do not copy, use, or repost my works in any way without asking permission first! If you see my works anywhere else, please send me a message. Requests open!~

John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Starters

“Wish me luck out there.”
“We’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room.”
“We’ve all made a ‘Happy Birthday’ sign.”
“I don’t need to trace it. I know how big letters should be.”
“Yeah, but that past is the past.”
“I mean, we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly.”
“And I don’t like confrontation cuz I’ve never been in a fight before.”

“I don’t give off that vibe.”
“Some people give off that vibe of like ‘Do not fuck with me.’ My vibe is more like ‘Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you’.”
“I’m so open and vulnerable. I look like a doll that you point out molestation on.”
“Show us on this white comedian where the man touched you.”
“I got married since then.”
“I love saying ‘my wife’. It sounds so adult.”
“’My wife’ just has some kick ass to it, y’know?”
“Marriage is gonna be very magical.”
“I didn’t kill my wife!”
“Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife.”
“When I was a kid I used to watch ‘America’s Most Wanted’ and I would always think to myself ‘How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?’ And then I got cheated on and I was like ‘Oh, okay. I’m not gonna do it but I totally get it’.”
“Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.”
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
“It’s a bananas insulting expression.”
“You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own.” 
“Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk!” 
[ mooing angrily ]
“Roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for, ____.”
“A lot of people think that you like bulls.”
“Sure, s/he’s a bossy little Jew, but s/he takes care of you.”
“I was raised Catholic, I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me.” 
“What’s the name of the bishop?
“That’s actually stand-up comedian Dan Levy.”
“And a hush falls over the room.” 
“I was a French maid for a period of time. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs.” 
“Aw, she’s ugly.”
“Cause you know how you lie to your parents?” 
“And then I got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit.”
“Have a nice day.” 
“And also you having one.” 
“I like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, ‘cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma.” 
“Her body is young, her face is as old as time.” 
“Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker.” 
“_____ is my best friend in the world. I give her a million kisses a day.” 
“Hey, you’re bad at being a dog.” 
“Ah, yes, my title of alpha which I once had, how can I reclaim it?” 
“You need to show dominance over your puppy.” 
“Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon.” 
“We’re space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote, but didn’t work that hard on.” 
“You’re not eating dinner, cocksucker.” 
“2029? That’s not a real year.” 
“What, were you two in the Eagles together? What is the animosity about?” 
“Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.” 
“You’re never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy.” 
“Hey, do you know what you’re supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowing says, ‘He has a penis?’. No, I”m asking. ‘Cuz I don’t know what to say in that situation.” 
“It’s okay, s/he’s just going through that phase where s/he says penis and vagina a lot.” 
“Well, y’know how I”m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.”  
“I don’t know. I know you told me. But I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” 
(First Name Middle Name Last Name), did you bite this nice man’s dick?” 
“Hey, doesn’t anyone wanna know why his dick was near my biters in the first place? Isn’t anyone curious as to how I had access?” 
“So, how’d you lose your arm?” 
“Well, I was born with only one arm.” 
“We’re not so different, you and I. You have your law practice, and I have all these fucking markers. I guess we both have responsibilities when you look at it that way.” 
“My dad loved us, he just didn’t care about our general happiness or self-esteem.” 
“My dad is cold-blooded. He once shushed a kid during Lion King on Broadway.” 
“You remember being 12, when you’re like ‘No one look at me or I’ll kill myself’?” 
“Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” 
“Ooh, ducklings!” 
“Too old to a be a duckling. Quack, quack.” 
“My duckling days are behind me. _____, don’t you see? I’m a duck now.” 
“Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.” 
“He is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly who should be declared Emperor of the United States of America.” 
“Oh, me? I’m just an old old man. I don’t have the appetites.” 
“I slid in the room in my First Communion suit, ready to go.” 
“He never forgets a bitch. Ever.” 
“You can do whatever you want forever.” 
“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.” 

SamBucky + sigh - @sarsaparillaswords

“Barnes, you’re increasing the carbon dioxide in here by like 80%,” Sam muttered, not even looking up from his newspaper. The ex-assassin had been staring off into space for the last 20 minutes, occasionally heaving the loudest, most put-upon sighs. 
“What’s your problem, man? Miss Steve? He’ll be back in a few months…”

Bucky made a face. “He keeps texting me. ‘Remember to be nice to Sam, Buck,’ and ‘Are you eating? You should try sushi!’ – like I haven’t been out in the world longer’n him–”

“So why the dramatic sighing, Barnes?”

Bucky didn’t say Because I was just remembering how your eyes look in the sun. Instead, he said “Was thinking about cats.”

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anonymous asked:

Hi 😊 How about a story with Ed, the reader works with him in GCPD and have a big crush on him. But he likes Miss K. She helps him with the date etc even if it hurts. Later she also helps him with the killing. End with fluff?

I walk in to see Edward staring at Ms.Kringle from afar. I internally roll my eyes at the sight of love in his eyes. Not that I don’t like love, but I hate that he’s in love with her. She’s a horrible person. She makes fun of him! She’s rude to him! Sure she’s my friend, but I’m allowed to think things about her. I don’t even see why he likes her so much.

I walk over to him and bump his hip. “Hey there.” “Morning ms. (Y/l/n).” He replies sipping at his coffee and continuing to stare at her.

“Isn’t she just great?” He whispers to me. I slightly smile to hide my sadness. “Yeah. She’s fine I guess.” I shrug my shoulders and start to make my way to my office with Edward quick on my heels.

“Just fine? She’s beautiful! I wish I could just…” “get her to notice you?” I ask ignoring the pain in my chest. “Yes! What is invisible and makes people suffer from symptoms like sweating and nausea, yet people can’t survive without it?” I sit in my chair and smile at him. “Love.” I say smiling at him.

“How can I get her to see me? She thinks I’m weird. What would you like? You’re a girl! Tell me what I should do. If we were going on a date what would you like?” I stare at him. He’s the most smartest man I’ve ever met, and he can’t even see how I look at him.

“You should cook your pasta dish. Get her flowers. While you eat play soft music and maybe dance a little. Make her feel like she’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Like you would do anything for her. If it were me I’d like to hear you talk about your day, have you make your cute riddles and trying to solve them. You wear your gray tie with the while button up. That always looks handsome on you.” “You think she’s like that?” He asks pacing around the room.

“Yeah. She’d love it.” I breath and pull out some papers from a file. “Would you help me cook?” “Ed. This is your date. You don’t need me.” “Please you can cook amazingly! Please.” Edward come closer and grabs my face in his hands staring into my eyes. I melt under his touch. “Sure. Yeah. I-I’ll help.” I smile at him and he kisses my forehead then scattering out.

Later in the day I see him speaking with one of the officers. “You can’t hurt her! I won’t let you!” The officer smirks. “We’ll see riddle man.”

I furrow my brows and walk closer to Ed. “What was that about?” I ask confused. He turns so me. “Date is off. She’s already having relations with someone else.” “Ed I’m sorry. Is there anything I can-” “no.” He says angry and walks off.

After my last encounter with ed I didn’t see him for the rest of the day. He almost completely vanished. When I was walking him from my apartment I saw Edwards car with him sitting in it. I back into the shadows wondering what he’s doing here.

As the officer from earlier starts to walk to the apartments building Ed steps out out his car. “Not so fast!” The man turns to Ed and throws his head back laughing. “You following me now riddle man?” “I will not let you hurt her.” The man pushed Ed and then everything happens so fast. Ed stabs the man several times and he has a…smile on his face. A smile.

I back away, but trip on my own feet and fall causing glass bottles to rattle. “Who’s there?” Ed calls in fear. “Come out!” I hold my hands up and walk into his sight.

“(Y/n). I thought…” his gaze goes down to the dead body on the ground. “T-this isn’t what it looks like. (Y/n). This-this is a big misunderstanding. I swear.” I cross my arms and look at him. “You really love her huh?” I ask holding in my tears.

Edward nods and lifts the body. “Okay. I’ll help you then.” “You’re not scared?” I walk close to him. “You had a reason to kill him. I haven’t done anything to you. I don’t see a reason why you’d hurt me.” “I would never. Thank you (y/n).”

The next few days was the night were I was preparing dinner for the two love birds. I sit on the couch in the other room trying to block out their adorable conversations. “I need to tell you something.” I hear ed say. “What is it?” “I killed officer Dordie.” “Edward don’t joke like that.” Kristin laughs.

“I’ll prove it.” He says and ruffles around. Minutes later I hear a scream and Edwards pleading words. “I did it for you. For us!” I run into the room and see Edward strangling her.

She gets out of his grip and moves to the door. “You don’t want him? Because he protected you? YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH PERSON IVE EVER MET!” I scream and tackle her finishing Edwards job. My hands wrapped tight around her neck until she stops struggling.

“You-you didn’t have to do that.” “Yes I did.” I get up and look at Ed. “Why?” I step closer to him with a smile. “Because you don’t need her. She wasn’t good for you. She judged you and was horrible at riddles. Plus you have me.” I say hoping he’d pick up my hints.

Edward smiles and grabs my cheeks lightly. “I do don’t I?” I nod to him and stare into his eyes. He leans down to me and connects our lips. “I love you Edward.” “I love you too (y/n).”

New Encounters: Part 1

ahhh I really hope you guys like this so far! I’m still debating where to go in the story, so I hope it’s making sense so far lmao

Idol: Byun Baekhyun (Exo)

Genre: Fluff (soon coming: angst and smut)

Word Count: 1,730

Parts: Prologue , Part Two

Originally posted by blondejongin

“Lost by BTS. You guys have heard it right? The beat is nice and gives us a lot of opportunity to mess around with choreo. What do you guys think?” You said, watching the eyes of those around you. Sitting at the dance studio, you wrote down a list of songs to cover, only a few actually not being crossed out. You have easily spent the past hour simply trying to pick a song.

Keep reading

Little Wide Eyes (S.Coups)

Originally posted by sevixxteen

Type: Fluff
Summary: his whole world was finally here and he gets to share it

Seungcheol smiled as his little boy, Jaejoon sucked peacefully from his milk filled bottle. Seungcheol’s thumb lightly stroked the milk that leaked from the small boys mouth. They locked eyes “is it good?” he whispers staring deeply in his son’s dark brown and wide eyes. He received little grunts as his infant continued to down his meal with ease “you have a grown man’s appetite I must say” he spoke calmly. “It’s you and I are alone for a bit. Mama needed to take a nap but don’t worry your uncles are coming over soon buddy” he coos lightly.

Lucky for you, your lack of sleep could knock you out and leave you out for hours. So you weren’t awaken by the bell of the door or the slightly loud voices of the other members coming in. Seungcheol gave them a smile when they walked in “oh gosh Coups is really a dad” Seokmin says “of course I am” Seungcheol says. “Y/N seemed like she was pregnant forever” Seokmin says. Seungcheol glanced down at his son who was finished eating but also noticed that Soonyoung sitting really close to him “um why are you so close?” he asks. “I’m trying to see who he looks more like” Soonyoung answers. Seungcheol laughs lightly as he sits Jaejoon up. 

“Vernon man can you hand me that towel behind you” he asks as Hansol quickly picks it up and throws it to him. “What’s that for hyung?” Chan asks “well every baby should be burped after they eat-” he was cut off by a little burp and a warm substance hitting the towel “and they tend to spit up. Already went through 7 shirts this week alone” he speaks. “That’s all well and good but when can I hold my nephew?” Joshua asks. 

“Oh um I guess you can hold him now” Seungcheol says unsure as Joshua claps lightly with excitement “Jae buddy someone wants to hold you and say hi” he coos as he passes the little guy off to Joshua. “Oh Coups we brought him a gift” Jihoon says picking up a baby blue bag “you guys didn’t have to get Jae anything” Seungcheol says as he’s handed the bag. “Of course we did he’s going to be Seventeen’s newest member” Jeonghan says as Seungcheol pulls out a little hoodie with a little special made Seventeen symbol on it. 

“Guys this is really awesome” Seungcheol smiles largely “plus he can grow into it” Wonwoo says making his input. “Thank guys I bet he will really like it when he’s bigger til then we’re gonna keep this as clean as possible” he tells them before folding it up. “Hey Joshua let me hold Jaejoon” Soonyoung says “you have to sit down” Seungcheol says quickly “why?” Soonyoung asks with a pout “you think I’m letting any of you hold my infant son and stand up you are needing a good smack of reality” Seungcheol says with a very parental tone. 

“Yes Daddy Coups” Soonyoung says plopping himself on the floor and making grabby hands. “Now none of you are sick right?” Seungcheol asks “nope” Joshua says as Jaejoon was passed off to Seungcheol who lightly placed him into Soonyoung hands. “I don’t mean this rudely but Jaejoon has some big eyes” Soonyoung says. “I know I think it’s his best features other than his nose, mouth, cheeks, you know what my son’s perfect” Seungcheol says with a proud smile. 

The Promise Ring

Imagine being Grant’s ex, and you met in a café one afternoon and things got awkward for you.


“Y/n? Hey! Long time no see.” Grant tapped you on the shoulder and you felt a shiver down your spine.

“He-hey…” You tried to sound cheerful but Grant noticed your awkwardness. “I’ll treat you with something…” He reached for his back pocket to get his wallet and he can’t take his eyes off of you.

“No no no. It’s fine, I can buy my own.” You didn’t mean to make it sound bitchy and he knew that. “C'mon y/n, even when we were together you always wanted to buy me stuff and not me buying you stuff. Please just this once.” He pleaded as he approached the counter before you did.

“Still the same thing?” He asked while scanning the list of drinks. “No, I only drink tea. Cause you know, I don’t like the memories that comes with the drink…” you whispered the last part and he pretend not to hear them.

You walked to a table near the windows to watch the traffic out in the street. it was raining, but it wasn’t heavy as it was on the day you two broke up.

It was a Wednesday, you were back from work, tired and so is Grant, you both had a row that night and you pack up your stuff and left his apartment. And after a few weeks here you are now.

“You need to meet this new girl I’m seeing.” Grant opened up as he lands the tray of drinks on your table snapping you out of your flashback. Realizing what he just said, you smiled sheepishly and took a sip from your tea.

“Oh really? What’s she like?” You ask with a little humor but deep inside you are breaking apart- no not breaking, you’re shattering.

“She’s pretty, really nice and also likes tea.” He gestured towards the cup you’re holding. And you smiled.

“Good for you then. What’s her name?” You ask expecting him to answer your name, but instead a pair of arms wrapped up around his neck and kissed him on the cheek.

“Hi babe.” She whispered and took a long, good look at you. “Hey r/g/n. This is y/n, my friend.” He gestured towards you and you offered a smile for r/g/n.

“I like your hair. You must spend hours on those perfect curls.” She tried touching your hair but you immediately moved out of her hands way.

“No babe, she doesn’t like other people touching her hair…” He looked at your bright sad eyes with full honesty. “Oh sorry. Scoot over.” She ordered Grant to move to make a space for her perfectly curved body.

“So, how long have you two known each other?” She asked innocently while grabbing Grant’s drink to take a long sip on the straw leaving her bright pink lipstick stain on the straw.

“Long enough to know every single cell in our bodies.” You answered without breaking eye contact with r/g/n. “Funny! Well you see Grant and I met in a club, he looks so wasted that time! Rumbling about how his girl left her! Then we had a pretty good time in my flat and bamm! I’m his girl now.” She played with Grant’s hair.

‘God why is she so touchy…’ You thought to yourself. And yes, you knew that Grant spent hours in bars every night when you two broke up.

“Babe stop.” Grant knew you don’t like what’s happening and you worry that its definitely visible on your body language.

“Why? You don’t like me being touchy on my guy?” She asked and hopped on Grant’s lap. You looked down and suddenly your chipped colorless nail polish was the most interesting thing ever.

“I said stop!” Everyone’s attention turned to Grant and he pushed r/g/n away standing up and offering a hand to you. “Let’s go y/n.” He pulled you up when you gave him a confused look.

“Wait Grant how about-” you tried asking Grant as he angrily pulled you to the parking lot. Fingers intertwined soaking you both in the rain which is now harder than earlier.

“Get in the car y/n.” He firmly said as he unlocked the doors. “What? Why?!” You shouted over as he moved to the driver’s side of the car. “I SAID GET IN. NOW.” He looked really serious and you automatically opened the door and got inside.

He sighed. His hands on the steering wheel but the car is off. And you know that something is about to be discussed. Typical Grant, you thought.

“I’m sorry.” He said and stared at the raindrops racing down the windshield. You pulled your knees to your chest hugging yourself. Trying to keep your broken pieces together, trying not to cry.

“I miss you y/n. I’m like a dead man without you. Every corner in my apartment smells like you, my pillows, even the couch reminds me of you…” He shrugged feeling silly. Tears brimming in his beautiful eyes.

“I was a jerk. I know, we were both tired. I should have been more comforting. I tried to get you off my mind, dating other girls. Drinking every night, cause every time I turn off the lampshade I would always reach out on the other side of the bed finding your warmth. I can’t even eat on the table baby I always see your angel face on the other side eating bacon and eggs with me. God, I feel lost without you…” He looked out the window trying to hide his tears, and you, you were just there stifling your sobs ans tears.

“Please come back…” He reached for your hand kissing it gently, “Please…” he begged.

“Grant…” You pulled your hand from him and hugged yourself tighter, you felt betrayed because he fucked other girls when you were gone.

“What? What is it? What do you want me to do?” He asked eager for your acceptance of his apology. “I feel betrayed. You fucked around with other girls Grant! What if you got her pregnant!” You screamed, your vision was a blur with tears but you know he was smiling.

“What? You really think I spent a night and fucked with r/g/n? You really think I kissed her on the lips?” His smile turned into a hearty laugh.

“What’s so funny?” You sounded really grumpy. “I would never ever kiss a girl with almost 2 pounds of make up on her face.” You rolled your eyes still not believing. “Then what did you do when ‘Then we had a pretty good time in my flat and bamm! I’m his girl now.’” You tried mimicing r/g/n voice.

“When we got in her house she passed out drunk okay? I slept on her couch, can’t drink and drive y/n…” He reached for your head and kissed you on the forehead.

“Do you really think I will believe that lame-” He stopped you from ranting with a kiss. It was a short sweet peck on the lips.

“Believe me.” He held his hands up and showed you his ring. It was a promise ring, you didn’t notice it earlier, and suddenly you felt your ring get tighter on your finger reminding you that you still wore yours.

“I knew right in that cafe that you still love me when I saw you wearing the ring baby.” He whispered on your ear.

“So was that the truth?” You asked like a little child and let yourself drown in his beautiful gaze. “Mhmm.” He assured you.

“I missed you baby.” He hugged you really tight and you sneezed simultaneously ruining the mood. “Shit, here.” He hurriedly grabbed his jacket on the backseat and gave it to you.

“Turn around Grant.” You said with a serious look. “Wha- C'mon y/n why do I have to do that?” He asked innocently.

“I need to get rid of my drenched clothes Grant.” You replied humorlessly. “What? I saw you without any piece of cloth on- aw aw! Stop hitting me!” He tried to cover hiself using his arms when you started hitting him with the jacket. “Fine!” He looked at the window and you started to change and zipping up the jacket.

“Turn around.” You demanded and as he did you caught his face with both your hands and started to kiss him deeply.

“I love you Grant… And so is this little life in my tummy.” At first he looked really confused and then suddenly his face lit up.

“You- you’re really pregnant?!” He asked with a big grin on his face. “No just kidding.” You laugh and hugged him tighter.

“Fuck you. But I’ll do that later. First I need to kiss you.” He started giving you little kisses on the neck and softly biting.

“I love you baby.” You whispered and let him kiss you more.

Hot Wieners and Hot Weather

JILY CHALLENGE | @thecupcakeconsumer vs. @tadasgay

Prompt: “I came to my friend’s bbq party but it turns out she only invited me and her childhood friends and now I’m stuck around a table with a group of strangers but hey I’m pretty happy I got put next to you.“

Notes: This is super rushed so I’m sorry! It’ll be a tad less polished than what you may have come to expect from me.

Warnings: Innuendos galore.

     “Lupin, just because we’re in college and we’re supposed to be mature now doesn’t mean that you can’t drink a little. Come on, relax, stop being a grumpy grandpa.”

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anonymous asked:

sorry if this is confusing. the hosts overhearing their crush talking to their friends and learning that their crush likes them back but their crush also thinks they aren't good enough for them?

[admin beckett kicks down the door] CRUSH ASKS ARE MY JAM YO

After recovering from his brief shock at hearing that you return his feelings, Tamaki looks as though he may break into a Disney number at any moment. In fact, he may be so caught up in his overjoyed twirling outside the door that he wouldn’t tune into the self deprecating portion of your speech for quite a while.
However, when he does, his heart breaks at hearing you say such things, and without thinking he bursts into the room, ignoring your surprise and over-dramatically dropping to his knees in front of you and your entire friend group.
“To me, you are the highlight of every room, and it’s I who could never be good enough for you. You’re incredible, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to spend every day telling you as such until you believe it!”

Haruhi, being Haruhi, probably didn’t even realise she had feelings for you until her heart skipped a beat upon hearing about yours. She stands, dumbfounded, until you turn around and see her behind you. Your friend senses it’s time to leave, and you’re left with Haruhi, who now closely resembles a fish. You’re completely mortified, and take her silence as a rejection, confirming your fears.
As you turn to leave, however, Haruhi snaps back into action, lurching forward and grabbing your wrist. Her face is burning and you know your’s is too, but she’s finally figured everything out as she looks you dead in the eyes.
“You don’t really think that way about yourself, do you?! I… I know its sometimes hard to look in the mirror and see the good things, but I happen to think you’re pretty amazing and… and if you want, maybe we could go grab some ice cream together?”

Hikaru can’t stop the smirk that works his way on to his face as he leans against the door, but underneath it his heart is palpitating out of control. His triumphant smile quickly disappears, however, when he hears you voice your concerns about not being good enough for him. He waits until your friends leave, and then slinks into the room, wrapping his arms around you from behind - much to your surprise (and thus Hikaru’s amusement).
“So.. a little birdie told me that you’ve fallen victim to my charms, and I can’t honestly say I’m surprised.” When you fervently try to deny this (how were you supposed to think when he was so close to you oh god) he pouts at you, “Well that’s just too bad, since I was hoping to take you out on a date tomorrow. At eight. Wear something nice.”
(and though he never tells you that he overheard your insecurities, he has a tendency to whisper in your ear just how highly he thinks of you and how you incredible you are when things get hot and heavy oh my)

Kaoru needs to take a moment to collect himself after overhearing you, and, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping, strides as fast as he possibly can without flat out bolting into a nearby classroom to regain his composure. Once he’s satisfied that he can look at you without his stomach somersaulting (or at least, without it fluttering more than it usually does whenever he looks at you), he returns to where he last saw you only to find you gone.
He finally tracks you down outside on the grounds, and pretty much sprints over to you, grabbing your shoulders and spinning you around to face him. You’re incredibly confused and you’re both hyper aware of how close you are to each other but neither of you make a move to change this as Kaoru tries to communicate his feelings and abolish your insecurities simultaneously without sounding like a complete idiot.
“You’re… you’re amazing. I think so, anyway. And I like you. A lot. More than a lot. You mean something to me, and I … I get so frustrated when you only treat me like a friend, because I want to be so much more to you, and its not fair because its so hard to concentrate on anything when all I’m thinking about is how much I want to kiss you. And I know that you’re too good for me, but for once, I just want to be selfish. So… will you let me take you out?”

To his credit, Kyoya’s cool facade only flickers with shock for a few moments before he carefully rearranges his face into a neutral expression once more, wondering what to do with this new information. Inwardly, he sours when he hears you say that you don’t think you’re good enough. This wouldn’t do at all. He waits until he hears your friends leave, and then somehow materialises behind you in that vaguely terrifying way that only the Shadow King of the host club can manage.
You start, swivelling around to face him and praying that he hadn’t heard any of what just transpired, but your hopes died very quickly. This was Kyoya. Of course he heard. He probably already knew. However, you didn’t expect him to lean forward, into your personal space, and flick your forehead lightly with a strange smile.
“I think you’ll find that I’m perfectly capable of deciding who is or is not good enough for me by myself, thank you very much. And I already made my decision quite a while ago. Now, how do you feel about seafood?”

Though Honey is positively giddy at the news that you return his feelings, he freezes mid bounce when he hears your next words. How could you speak so lowly of yourself? Didn’t you have any idea how cute you were? Had he not been making it clear enough? His eyes grow shiny at the very thought.
Without hesitation, he rushes into the room and practically, no, physically leaps on you, his legs latching around your waist. Good thing he’s so tiny. You stumble slightly under his weight, completely taken off guard, as Honey grabs your face, almost knocking your foreheads together in his haste.
“You shouldn’t say things like that! I happen to think ____-chan is the coolest, cutest person in the whole academy, and I really really like you! And I want to eat cake with you every day because I love spending time with ____-chan! So please, don’t ever think such mean things about yourself again, okay? Promise me!”

Mori, ever tactful, leaves the scene before you can see him, knowing that you wouldn’t want to be caught saying such things, especially not by him. He takes a long walk instead, and though he was silent, endless thoughts were running through his head. How should he approach you when he next saw you? Was now the time to make his move? He was not a man of many words, what would be the best way to prove that your insecurities were baseless?
In the end, Mori decides to confront you and let things happen as they happen, and as fate would have it, he sees you sitting on a bench up ahead once he turns the next corner. Never breaking his stride, he plucks a single rose from the nearby bush and smoothly brandishes it under your nose as you look up in surprise.
“You will always be too good for me.”

- Admin Beckett

Jealous - James Rodriguez

“James, have you seen my shoes?” I asked as I walked into our bedroom, looking around for them. James was standing in front of the mirror buttoning up his suit jacket. “You ask that as if you only have one pair,” he teased turning around to look at me with a smirk.

I frowned at him and sighed. “The strappy black ones,” I whined, “I can’t find them anywhere.” He rolled his eyes, “can’t you wear something else? We’re running late,” he said checking his watch. I glared at him and folded my arms across my chest. He grimaced, regretting his word choice. “Alright,” he sighed, “let’s find the strappy black ones.” I could tell he had no idea which shoes I was referring to but no matter, I quickly found them in a box under the bed and we were out the door in less than five minutes.

There was moderate traffic so at a red light I pulled down the car mirror and checked my makeup. I felt James’ hand land on my thigh. “You look beautiful, why are you so fidgety?” He was looking at me from the side. I exhaled and laughed. “I don’t know, I get nervous when we go to fancy dinners like this. I feel like I don’t belong,” I admitted, cringing at how mopey I sounded.

His hand retreated from my thigh and grabbed my hand bringing it to his lips. “You belong wherever I am. There is no reason to be nervous. You don’t even have to talk to anyone; you can just sit and look pretty like you always do,” he joked. I blushed at his compliment and nodded.

When we arrived, the valet opened my door as James tossed him the keys so he could park. We walked through the entrance, hand in hand. James was as charming as ever, greeting everyone he knew with great hugs and strong handshakes, while I gave polite smiles. We finally made our way to the table, where James continued to comfortable converse with people I only knew as strangers. I was shy, but not uncomfortable; I liked to see James like this, he was so lively and funny, everyone loved him.

He turned to look at me, “I should go say hello to some other people. Are you ok just here by yourself for a second?” he asked with sincere concern. I smiled and pecked his cheek. “I’m always fine if there’s food around,” I joked. He smiled and then disappeared into the crowd.

I was just about to stick a spoonful of soup into my mouth when a man’s voice behind me exclaimed, “don’t eat that!” I nearly spilled soup all over myself. The man proceeded to sit beside me. “Trust me,” he whispered grimacing, “it tastes like what old people smell like.” I laughed and pushed the soup to the side.

“I’m Y/N,” I said, sticking my hand out, “James’ wife.”

“Ahh,” the man replied, shaking my hand, “I’m Michael, one of the team’s new doctors.”

“Doctor?” I asked surprised, “you look much too young.” The handsome man with short brown hair and a light five o’clock shadow laughed heartily.

“My wife tells me that all the time. Says I have a baby face,” he chuckled. “I’d introduce you to her if I knew where she was,” he said looking at the large crowd of people in the room. This time, I laughed.

“Mmm, the struggle of being married to a social butterfly,” I said sympathetically. He nodded and added, “I only go to these things for her. I’d much rather be doing something quieter.”

“Exactly,” I agreed, cringing at the loud music. “What’s wrong with a nice crossword once in a while?” I asked, half joking half not.

His eyebrows rose and he set his drink down. “You do crosswords too?” he asked excitedly, pulling out his phone. “I’ve been stuck on this one for three days now.”

“Let me see if I can help,” I suggested, leaning in towards him. Before we knew it, we were enthralled in the puzzle and having a good time laughing at our poor guess and celebrating when we figured one out. I was overjoyed to have found a friend that I could hang back with at future social events for the team. We were having such a nice time, that I didn’t even hear James calling my name until he shouted it.

“Y/N!” I heard from behind me. I turned to see James looking less that happy.

“Hi, baby,” I cooed. “Where have you been?” I asked, realizing he had been gone nearly an hour. His unsmiling face neared mine and he planted a strong kiss on my lips. I backed away subtly, aware of how uncomfortable Michael must have been.

“I’m ready to go,” James said, grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet.

“W-wait, nice to meet you Michael,” I shouted, waving goodbye since I was unable to break free from James’ grasp.

Not wanting to make a scene, I waited until we were in the car before yelling at him. As the valet shut my door, I gave him a polite smile before turning to James.

“What the hell was that?” I shouted. “You completely embarrassed me in front of Michael.”

“Oh, well I’m sure Michael will get over it.” I rolled my eyes and realized what the issue was.

“You cannot be jealous,” I groaned, “you were the one who left me by myself for an hour. What was I supposed to do, sit silently?”

“Yes!” he shouted. “I mean no, but you don’t have to go flirt with some guy.”

“Oh my god,” I yelled. “I wasn’t flirting, he’s married. I’m married, to you if you don’t recall. His wife was gone too so we talked. You are being ridiculous.” I saw him roll his eyes and snicker. The rest of the car ride was silent.

When we got home, I stomped through the house, into the bathroom and locked the door. He did the same, but retreated to the bedroom. Not even 20 minutes later, he was knocking on the door, begging me to come out. I did, but I walked right past him and sat on the bed, arms folded over my pajamas. I felt the bed shift as he crawled next to me.

“Y/N?” I didn’t reply. “Y/N?” Silence.

“Come on,” he smirked, “you can’t be mad forever.” He leaned in and started planting kisses on my shoulder, and then my collarbone, and then my neck until I moaned very softly. “There we go,” he said smiling. I chuckled, but rolled my eyes.

“This doesn’t mean I’m not still mad. You were embarrassing and rude,” I reminded him.

He massaged his temples and sighed. “I know,” he whispered, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I just saw you looking so happy with him, a doctor,” he emphasized, “and I don’t know, you’re not like that at parties with me.” He shrugged, staring blankly at the wall.

I crawled over to him and sat in his lap, leaning my head on his chest.

“You don’t need to say doctor like that. I don’t care that he’s a doctor. He was nice and funny so we talked. But not as nice or as funny or anywhere near as sexy as you,” I finished looking up at him. “So you and I don’t have the same idea of fun at parties, who cares? At the end of the day, you’re still the person I want to be with no matter what I’m doing.”

“I love you,” he said, kissing the top of my head, before smirking. “And I know of something that we both think is fun,” he said smugly and the flipped us over on the bed.

“Oh, boy,” I laughed, “how do we always end up here?”