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“Damn girl! Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes!” My best friend Ella calls as I finally enter her car and plop down onto the seat with an exhausted sigh. The belt to my shoulder bags slips down my shoulder and I position it on my lap. Ella has gladly volunteered to take me from college this time or I had to deal with public transportation which I definitely did not want to spend my last nerve to. My life is chaotic enough at the moment and I can’t have other things to tear me down. Recently, I have been very sensitive to everything and even a little unnecessary stuff can be a cause for my outburst. For example, yesterday I was out of ice cream and I immediately started to cry because it was the only treat that relaxes me when I come back home from a very long day in college. Crazy isn’t it? To cry over ice cream?
“Chill, Ella. I’m sorry! I just had this very important conversation with my professor and it took a little while. It’s not going to happen again.” I lean my back against the seat and close my eyes. All I need is silence now. My head is killing me and I really desire to slip into my pajamas and sleep.
“Is it okay for you if I turn the radio on? It’s just boring and you ‘re not going to talk to me anyway.” Ella asks and she gets a nod from my side.
“Sure…” I say nothing anymore.
After she turns on a fancy radio channel, Ella starts the engine and we drive off. It will take us approximately 20 minutes to arrive at my apartment and while driving I spend my time with observing the buildings we pass by. The movements of the car along with the nice music coming from the radio is a perfect mix to make me fall asleep and I think it isn’t a bad idea to take a little nap. However as I am about to drift off, a voice I have not heard for a while sounds through the radio. His velvety voice. Kiwi starts to play and Ella immediately turns it off.
“I’m sorry, babes. I didn’t know.” She apologizes and blushes even though it’s not her fault. She’s the only one who knows about him and our break up. Nobody else in the world has an idea that I once used to date the most popular and successful British artist.
“No problem…” I croak. Hearing the sound of his voice after so many months of our break up causes another wave of pain in my heart. There is still this familiarity in his voice that I could have listened to for hours. I close my eyes and try to prevent tears to leave my eyes.
“(Y/N) are you okay, sweetheart?” Ella inquires with a hint of concern on her face.
“Just take me home, Ella.” Is all she gets as a response from me. The walls I have tried to build the months after Harry has left me begin to crumble down just by a simple sound. Even though it is hard to admit, I still miss him so much although he was the one who gave up on us. He was the one who suggested it was the best way to go separate ways and he made this decision without my consent.
“You know, you don’t have to stay alone tonight. “ Ella soothes me. “You’re more than welcome to join Brandon and I to hang out. He loves you like a sister and a little bit of distraction will do you good. What do you think?” I would like to accept her offer however seeing couples being lovey dovey around me is something I cannot deal with at the moment. Not that I’m not happy for Ella and her boyfriend, I love them both as they were my siblings but it makes me realize that I have no one who cares for me anymore. Harry was gone. The love of my life is not here with me anymore. And it hurts beyond imagination.
“Thanks, El but I really need to be at home. I have lots of studies and projects going on and the sooner I deal with them the better.” By now she is parking in front of my apartment. I give her a soft kiss on her cheek. “See you later.” I tell her and get out.
The ache between my chest still remains as I run up the stairs to my apartment. I take out my key and unlock the door and enter my messy home. Another regular day where I just walk in to an empty apartment. Normally, Harry would always be there before me, cooking a meal for the both of us while he used to sing along to his favorite songs. I loved to watch him in this state. The silence in my apartment is just a reminder of what’s not there anymore.
I place my bag onto the ground and get rid of my jacket and shoes. Right after that, I go to the kitchen to grab a snack and a bottle of water. I head to my bedroom and sit in front of my desk and dwell myself into my studies. It has become my daily routine. Waking up, going to college, coming back and studying. I desperately search for ways of escaping reality and for me this routine is the only way to achieve my goal.
I take my notes and writings in my hand and start studying for the upcoming exams. However, from time to time I feel myself drifting off. A memory hits me suddenly, leaving me breathless.
“Come on babe, I need some loving here.” Harry pouted, laying on his stomach on my bed and waiting for me to cuddle with him.
“One minute.” I said, nibbling on my pen while trying to work on a paper sheet.
“(Y/N)…” He sighed and gets up, moving towards me and all I feel is his strong arms wrapping themselves around me and his breath on my neck. He placed soft kisses on my skin which caused a shiver running down my back. “You already said that 10 minutes ago.”
“I know, H. I’m sorry.” I sighed, rubbed my eyes and let him take my paper and placing it far away from me. He grabbed my hand and led me to my bed where he lied down at first, then opened his arms and I slipped between them. I loved being this close to him because he always radiated a sense of security and home. His one hand ran up and down my arms while his other hand was placed at the back of my head. His lips touched my forehead ever so softly and I felt complete in that moment.
“That’s how I like it.” He whispered. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and inhaled the sweet scent of his cologne.
“I wish I would be always like this. You and me.”
“It can be.” He told me. I looked up at him, our eyes met to a loving gaze.
“When I marry you someday. And of course, when my job gets less chaotic.” His answer made my heart swell. Being with him forever until death did us part was something I wished so badly.
“Will you still perform on stage then?”
“I think I will never stop making music but you know I don’t have always to perform in front of people. If things get serious between you and I and I can promise it will, I will definitely want to settle down and start a family. With you, love.”
I leaned in to connect our lips to a gentle kiss and we spent the rest of the day with many cuddling sessions and talking.
I shake my head and my heart feels so heavy. “You promised…” leaves my mouth.
The desire to continue my studies leaves and I push everything aside and stand up. It has become dark outside and the clock on my walls shows that we have 7 PM. I position myself on my bed, take my pillow and press it against my body. I really wonder how Harry is doing right now. Is he thinking about me like I do? Does he miss me? Does he regret the decision he has made?
I’ve seen plenty of pictures online and he never appears broken or sad. Quite the opposite: he always looks happy and is smiling on every photo the fans shoot. He seems to cope very well with our break up, leaving me being the one who probably suffers under such hurtful heartbreak. I have loved him so much, still do and I gave him everything I had without flinching an eyelash.
Even though it is hard to keep myself away from checking up on him, I still do because after today there is no way that I can relax when I do not see him.
I am about to take my phone as my notifications on Twitter goes on and I see that an update account that I use to follow has posted a picture of him. It leaves me breathless and my heart slams against my chest. He is currently in Shanghai it says.
He looks absolutely and indescribably beautiful and tears just begin to stream out of my eyes as I observe his perfectly shaped face. His hair is messy and curly as I remembered. His outfit consists only of black material which outlined the color of his eyes even more. I always have loved it when he wore black. It suits him so damn well and honestly there is nothing he could not wear without looking like a complete idiot.
A salty tear wets my display. “I’m sorry..” I whispered into silence.”I’m sorry I could not be enough for you when you’re still the one I want.” I scroll further and find more pictures of him posing with his fans and signing autographs. The more I look at them the worse I feel and it ends with me burying my face between my hands and starting to sob.
There is no way I could ever move on. Harry has taken my heart and claimed it as his own, there was no chance I would ever get it back. While he would continue his life like nothing had happened between us, as if I do not exist, having another girlfriend, marrying her and having children, I would be still longing for him. My love for Harry is endless and it will always be that way. Even on my death bed I hope the last few words that will escape my mouth would be me telling how much I loved him through all these years.
“Why?” I sob. “Why did you leave me Harry? How will I live without you?”
It feels like it was yesterday as he ended things with me, tears covering his handsome face. I could tell he didn’t want this as much as I do but he still walked through that door and never came back.
“I’m sorry and I love you.” Was the last thing I’ve heard from him. All the things he said about marriage and settling down with me have been nothing but a lie. A bittersweet lie. He made my hopes up only to crush them afterwards.
I have a look at Twitter again and the update account says Harry will perform at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. After reading the post, I click on Harry’s profile. I decide to send him one last message and after this one I will never ever bother him and try to continue living my life. As easy as it sounds, it is still the hardest challenge in my life.
I open the DM because I have no other possibility to contact him since I deleted his phone number after he left me. Why do I even do this to myself? Why do I torture myself like this? And what did I do to deserve being treated like this?
I’ve always supported him throughout his solo career, telling everybody that I know how brilliant his music is and even convinced them to buy his album and give him a chance to prove himself. I’ve been there when his mood was on downfall and anxiety played around with his mind. I’ve built him up with my love, with my admiration and devotion for him and he took all of this for granted.
Call me pathetic, stupid or whatever for still wanting him after he left me out of nowhere but if you had loved him as much as I do you would understand. You would understand that you would do anything in your power to keep someone with an amazing personality as Harry’s in your life. But I had failed. I have tried but obviously it was not enough.
I sob hard as I type short sentences, my fingers trembling as I try to form proper words. What would you tell someone if you know this would be the last time you would ever contact him? There are so many things in my mind, I could simply write an essay about my feelings however I don’t want to bother him any longer. He might become sick of me.
“I’m proud of who you become, H even if that meant to break my heart. I will always love you forever and I will never forget you. You will be endlessly in my mind. Go and rock that stage, my little dreamer. X.”
I contemplate for a little while if it’s a good idea to send him this message, it kinda sounds cheesy but what have I got to lose anyway? The person I have treasured and who had a huge amount of value in my eyes is gone anyway.
With a heavy heart and a bit of uneasiness consuming me, I press the send button and the message appears on the screen one more time. I observe it a few minutes and after that I inhale deeply, turn off my phone and lay it on my desk far away from me. I wonder how he will react to my message but for now I cannot deal with it.
I snuggle back into my bed, taking my pillow as a replacement for Harry. I cuddle against it and imagine he was still here with me, embracing my body with his strong arms and keeping me safe during the night.
“That’s it.” I whisper before I slowly drift to sleep. One tear flows down my sore cheek. “It’s over.”
If (Y/N) had known that on the other side of the world, a young man with green eyes and a wonderful dimpled smile is crying over her message like she had over him hours ago.