if he throws things, leave. if he takes the keys and leaves in the middle of an argument just so you worry, just so you beg him back, just so you regret chasing him off, leave. if he kicks dogs, if he says violent things as a “joke”, if he gets drunk and gets too handsy, leave. i don’t care if he has a troubled past, you’re not his therapist. there is a difference between being patient while he genuinely gets help, tries to get better - and putting up with him because he once felt sad about something. you do not need to be there to fix him. to put him together. it is not your job to heal him.
if she doesn’t let you hang out with your friends without punishing you, leave. if every time you gently ask her to change a part of the relationship she takes it as a personal attack, leave. if she hits you, if she threatens to castrate you or otherwise harm you, if she fakes pregnancy or stalks you, leave. i don’t care that she’s a girl and you’re taught we’re not dangerous. i don’t care if she’s “only” emotionally manipulating you, you’re not weak for going. if she hurts you, leave. you’re not required to stay with her.
people will use whatever they can to get you to stay. they will tell you they want to change but will not make any effort to do so. they will hold you to them even if it means ruining you. don’t brush aside the small things, waiting for a “big” thing to happen. it is easy to love someone so much that you want to forgive them. don’t. don’t try to explain their behavior to yourself. if they are not open about communicating their mental illness or trauma and willingly getting help, if they are not actively changing themselves, if they don’t apologize sincerely, if they are not making every effort to make sure it doesn’t happen again - if they only are “hurting” when it’s an excuse to hurt you too - leave. don’t look back. we want to help people, because we are hurting too. but not at the cost of yourself. not at the cost of you.