he should wear glitter more often

text meme; tfln #2

[text]: The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We’d really like the company.
[text]: we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
[text]: conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
[text]: but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn’t be hard if you’re trashed, right?
[text]: it went well until I said “me” instead of “my” and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
[text]: I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
[text]: A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
[text]: This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
[text]: You can’t talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
[text]: The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
[text]: I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
[text]: he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire–the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
[text]: we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
[text]: If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
[text]: I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
[text]: You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
[text]: I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
[text]: The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
[text]: Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim “Lady and the Tramp” style with a guy in a bar.
[text]: Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
[text]: you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
[text]: Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
[text]: i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
[text]: GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
[text]: Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
[text]: He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
[text]: Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
[text]: Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?