Hold my Hand Dammit- Bucky Barnes X Reader
Prompt: Bucky is timid about touching you because he is still unsure about his strength and his arm.
Word Count: 2009
Warnings: None (:
Young love in the twenty first century was something quite new to Bucky. You had liked Bucky forever, but it had never occurred to you that he could ever feel the same way, so you just let your heart ache for the man with the gleaming metal arm. But after months of longing looks, blushed cheeks, and soft smiles, Bucky had made the first move, surprising the both of you. Of course you agreed, falling harder than ever before, pouring your whole being into this relationship. You had only officially been dating for about two weeks now, and Bucky was still on the fringe with the whole “PDA” lovey dovey thing, preferring to take it rather slow. And plus he was still unsure of his strength and was very cautious not to hurt you, his self consciousness was both endearing and frustrating. His metal arm was the subject of his utmost caution around you, hardly even letting you touch it, afraid of what it could do.
As of now you two were laying on the couch, your legs were draped over his lap, his hand was lying flat on your thigh, his metal fingers a cool heavy weight on your thigh. You paid minimal attention to the episode of Grey’s Anatomy playing on the screen, meanwhile Bucky was entranced, following every character’s plot, gasping every few minutes. You were scrolling through your phone, putting funny snapchat filters on your unaware boyfriend. You put the dog filter on him, a quiet giggle leaving your lips. He turned toward you, raising his eyebrows at you as you took a video of him looking confused, the filter moving along with him.
“What’s so funny, let me see,” He inquired. You sat up, scooting closer to him to show him the video, as you leaned on him you could feel him tense up slightly. You ignore this, leaning closer so he could see better. You played the video of him on your phone, a wide smile played on his lips.
“See, your a dog,” you clarified. You sent him the snap and posted it to your story. After that was done you leaned your head on him, and intertwined your fingers in his metal ones. He tore his hand away from yours, bringing it into his lap.
“Uh, do you want some snacks?” He asked, not wanting any time for you to ask about his odd behavior. He got up, making his way toward the kitchen.
“Uh, sure,” you agreed, getting up to follow him into the kitchen, a pang of doubt about this relationship hitting you in the stomach, you shoved it down, telling yourself you were only overthinking it. You caught up to him, this time intertwining your flesh hands, his palm was warm and calloused against yours. Again, he flinched as though he had been shocked, the current running through his muscles, his hand ripping from yours. Ok now this was NOT normal, even for over cautious Bucky. You continued your walk to the kitchen in silence, not knowing what to say or think. A throb of doubt once again pulsed through you, was this not going to work out after all? Did he just go out with you in the first place to be nice? Was he getting bored after only two weeks? All these questions raced through your head, each one worse than the last. Your speed thinking was interrupted by Bucky’s voice.
“Do you want popcorn or chips, or we could have candy?” he asked, rummaging around in the pantry for a snack.
“Um, I don’t care, whatever you want,” You replied. Tension hung in the air between your words, you wanted to, needed to fill the empty space with words, but nothing was coming out, you had nothing to say. You could not put into words your feelings about him, or how much you wanted to ask him why he was pulling away. You couldn’t find the words to say how much you hoped this wasn’t because something was wrong with you, or that he finally got to really know you and wanted out. So the silence hung there, driving a deeper and deeper wedge between the two of you with each passing second. He wanted to say something, to fill the void, but he just couldn’t express what he needed to, he didn’t know how. How does he tell the love of his life that he is afraid to touch her, not because he doesn’t love her, but because he loves her too much and is afraid to even lay a finger on her. Because the fear of hurting her overwhelms him, so much so that when she touches him he flinches like he has been slapped. But he can’t just leave you to wonder, he has to say something, anything, something to explain himself. Because he can see the confusion and doubt clouding your bright eyes, flooding your irises with uncertainty. Before either of you could decide on how to express yourselves, Tony’s voice rang loud and clear through your heads.
“Hey can you two lovebirds go out and get dinner tonight? Nobody feels like cooking. I don’t really care what you get, just anything but sushi, I can’t possibly do another night of Sushi, just because Thor is obsessed with it doesn’t mean we all have to suffer,” Tony murmured, throwing a fifty dollar bill on the counter and leaving with an orange in hand. You glanced over at Bucky, he was already looking at you, something flickered in his eyes that you didn’t catch, he looked away. You grabbed the fifty off the counter.
“Alright, I’ll go, what do we want?” You offered. Bucky looked at you, his arms hanging limply by his sides, defeat written all over his face. Why was he acting so weird, oh how you would’ve liked to know. You debated asking, but decided to go get dinner first, maybe he needed some time to himself
“Chinese it is,” You decided for yourself, turning to leave.
“I’ll come with you,” Bucky announced. You nodded curtly, letting him follow you out of the building. You decided to walk the few blocks to the restaurant in the shadows of the setting sun. It was the end of a nice day outside, and the last few rays of warm sun were sinking down behind the skyscrapers. You and Bucky walked side by side, your arms occasionally brushing, your hips bumping in the rhythm of your steps. He didn’t flinch this time when yours hand grazed his, you grabbed his hand when your arm swung forward again, he didn’t pull away at first, but rather contemplated it. His face scrunched up, as if he were making some big decision, his sighed and let his hand fall out of yours. Your heart fell into your feet, a pit sat heavy in your stomach. You took a few long strides so you were ahead of him, not wanting your rejected gesture to hang between the two of you. He looked at you as you walked past, regret filling his thoughts, he shouldn’t’ve let you go.
You got to the chinese resturant, going along the line of hot trays and picking out a sweet, sticky, warm chinese feast for everyone back at the tower. As you paid and got change, you handed one of the bags to Bucky, your hand grazing his once more, he again flinched like he had been electrocuted. Despair and confusion was now replaced by rage. You paced out of the restaurant and out onto the street turning to face Bucky abruptly, almost running smack into his broad chest because he was following you so closely.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” You snapped, setting the bags down on a table outside the restaurant. Bucky stammered for a minute, floundering over the words he wanted to say as they stuck to his throat.
“Why won’t you touch me? In fact you won’t even barely come within five feet of me without looking like you’re going to throw up! Why won’t you hold my hand? Are you done with me already? Do you already want to call it quits? Because if so you could just tell me instead of acting repulsed by me until I leave!” You shouted, everything you wanted so badly to know spewing from your lips in a desperate rage in an attempt to understand him. Angry tears began to drip down your cheeks, leaving wet, hot trails. People were beginning to stare as you flailed your arms wildly, crying, and shouting with all your might at the man with the gleaming metal arm holding a rather large bag of take out. Bucky finally got ahold of what he wanted to say, flinging the words at you like insults.
“You don’t think I love you [Y/n]! You don’t think that I love you so much that the fear of hurting you with my arm overwhelms me to the point that I can’t even touch you without this crippling fear that I will kill you?! Is that what you think, that I’m repulsed by you? You really think I could ever do anything other than love you with all my being? Because if you really don’t trust me to love you, maybe this isn’t going to work out.” Bucky yelled back, still holding the take out bag to his chest. Now more people were staring…
“Maybe it won’t work out,” You whispered, more tears rolling down your cheeks, finally coming to the realization that this might not be right. You looked at Bucky, his eyes hard and pensive.
“I want this to work,” he finally replied, after what seemed like years.
“Well when you flinch or pull away everytime we touch, that doesn’t really scream infatuation now does it,” you snapped. Bucky looked down at you, all tear stained cheeks and swollen red eyes. He noticed how beautiful your eyes looked after you cried, like the calm of water after a nasty storm, peaceful and still, but so full of life.
“I guess not,” Bucky admitted.
“I was just so afraid of hurting you. This arm had killed hundreds of people without any problem, I don’t even want to imagine what it could do to you if I got out of control. I guess I don’t trust myself,” he admitted, his shoulder slumping, as if they were just relieved of heavy weight.
“I trust you,” You reassured softly, stepping closer to him on the sidewalk.
“Bucky, I’d trust you with my life. You are the love of my life, and that arm is one of my favorite things about you. I never even thought for a moment from the second I met you that you would ever hurt me. Bucky, what you did all those years wasn’t you, it’s not your fault. You’re not a villain, you are just a man, and a damn fine one at that,” You continued, stepping even closer to him, grabbing the bag from him and setting it on the table next to the other one so you could lean in and kiss him. You lips met his, he was hesitant at first, but eventually sank into this kiss, letting his arms come around you. The city around you came to a standstill, there was nobody but you two in the whole city. You pulled away.
“We should get this home before it gets cold,” you suggested, Bucky nodded, pecking your lips one more time before picking up one of the bags. You grabbed the other one, setting off back toward the tower in the shadow of twilight.
“Hold my hand dammit,” you commanded as you walked, intertwining your fingers with his cool metal ones, letting his ridged palm come flush against yours, your heart swelling at the contact. This was going to work out after all, and while he was still getting used to love in the twenty first century, this was something he could definitely get used to very quick.