Too Much to Manage
A/n: okay so this is HEAVILY influenced by the beginning lyrics from The Letter by Kehlani. It’s kinda me letting some of my feelings out so sorry if this is dark. Lyrics are in italics
Word Count: 518
Warning(s): mentions of past self harm, kinda dark thoughts? idk kinda in a dark place while writing this.
*not my gif*
I can hear your laugh. It’s ringing through the hallways.
You laid in bed, memories flashing through your head as you looked into darkness. You closed your eyes shut, trying to focus on other thoughts. A small tear slipped from your eyes as the memories came rushing back to you. Back to when you first met Shawn in the busy streets of Toronto. Back to your first kiss. Back to how happy he made you. He took you from your lows, and showed you your highs. But now your highs seem like mountains that even the most skilled climber could never see the top of. You didn’t even have the strength to get out of bed, how could you possibly ever have the strength to see your highs again?
Maybe I didn’t deserve you
Shawn always seemed unattainable to you. Even when the two of you were together you never understood it. He could have anyone in the world, why would he choose you? He was just too good for you. Too good for someone who never knew what love was.
The meaning of love that is real
Before Shawn, love seemed like something only in the movies. But when Shawn came into your life. He showed you love. Not just for other people, but for yourself.
And it compliments my scars that will never heal
You never saw yourself as beautiful. You never wanted someone to see you intimately because of the scars you had. You didn’t want someone to see how low you had gotten. Shawn knew how hard life had been for you, but you didn’t want him to see the proof. The scars weren’t beautiful. They showed a past you would like to forget until it was late at night. Late enough for the demons to come, and for you to relive the past.
Maybe I’m too much to manage
Maybe you were too much for Shawn. For a while you had gotten better, but then you started to fall into the depths again. Your refused to go to the doctor to get your medication fixed. He didn’t understand why you didn’t want to get better. But what he really didn’t understand was how tired you were of being dependent of a pill to make you happy. It made you feel as though you didn’t have control of your own body.
Must have done something to make you want to run and hide
That is when he told you it might have been better if the two of you weren’t together anymore. You knew you had pushed him away. Walls were put back up, and Shawn had tried so hard to knock them down. When he didn’t succeed, he felt as though he had failed you. Like he was the one who made you return to your pain. But you were the one who forced yourself to return to the pain. What he didn’t know was that leaving you would not make things better, it would make things worse. It would give you more things to blame yourself for.
And dammit, I needed you