WARNING! DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. OVERALL A VERY TRIGGERING CHAPTER. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
You remember what they used to say to you when you grew up? That sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, whoever came up with that can suck it. You always thought they were wrong, they were just idiots up in a small office trying to create bumper stickers, so tell me, why is it the only things that actually hurt are the words.
When you were younger, you were constantly bullied, yah the sticks and stones hurt, but the scars were left by the words. The pain started to tear you apart from the inside, each word on repeat in your head.
Telling those around you is like personally committed yourself to the loony bin, signing the paper and walking in to say, hey go ahead tell me what I already know, that I’m depressed. The worst feeling was hiding everything from your best friend Peter, he told you almost everything, you had craved to tell him you were breaking. That the world seemed to crumble around you, nothing was okay, that you needed help.
In your mind, you always told yourself, you don’t deserve the help, and you deserve the depression handed to you. So, in the pain you hand inside, you resorted to putting it on the outside, to feel almost anything but what you were feeling on the inside. Scars marked up your body, hidden in places only you could see them, but you felt whole with them there.
When scars would fade you felt empty, you felt like you weren’t you, that you needed to make new ones to make up for the pain or lack thereof. Peter had started to suspect something, but he never said anything, thinking you were just switching up style.
In all truth, you added more and more clothes to hide the scars gaping on your arms, you may have been proud of them, but society, nor Peter, needed to know that.
You stopped to look in the mirror, looking at yourself, you had hair that looked like a straight mess, and your eyes had deep under bags. Your clothes were large and hanging due to the lack of eating, you turned back around, deciding if it was to be your last day, you wanted to make everyone smile.
Once you changed, you looked in the mirror once more, you wore a white sundress that was tight at the waist but flared at the hips. There were flowers spread all over the dress, each flower decorated with intricate details, it was beautiful, it didn’t look like you, but then again that’s what you were going for.
Slipping on your light pink heels, and grabbing your backpack, you started to walk down the usual road, the road that was inevitably busy, cars honking and people screaming at each other. You noticed that people kept staring at you, locking their eyes on you until you kept walking, you smiled at all of them, and they smiled back.
The school wasn’t very close, it was around 10 blocks away, you didn’t really have time to walk but you wanted to burn off a few calories, so walking you went. You dug through your large baby blue backpack, pulling out a pair of black headphones, you placed them in ear and started to listen to your favorite music.
For some unknown reason, you felt your body ache, your bones crying out to stop moving, but you kept moving, ignoring the consistent howls of your bones. “Hey, Y/N, thought you would’ve drove today, there is a storm roaring in.”
You jumped when the voice came out of nowhere, but you looked up to see Peter calling out to you from his window. A brown curly mop sat on Peter’s head, most of his hair out of place or a mess, he wore a tight white shirt with something about chemistry placed on it. “Wait up! I’m headed down!”
The sky looked as if it was split in half, one half painted with blue and white, the clouds dancing in the series of blue, but the other half turned grey, black clouds radiating with lighting as it sparked a light silver.
“You look.. Uh.. beau- beautiful.” Peter now stood next to you, you noticed the rest of his outfit, the atom shirt and a pair of brown pants with black vans. “You live far from the school, why do you uh-”
“Walk?” Peter nodded, he was always so awkward, it didn’t matter how close you were to him, he was always just an awkward person. “So.. Uh…”
Peter was acting very different today, he was acting more awkward, walking closer to you than before. “Today, after school… uh… would you like… to uh hang out?”
You were almost shocked at Peter’s question, for once in his life he didn’t have the stark interrelationship, and he wanted to spend the day with you? “What about ned? He was excited to get the lego death star, you should go help him with that.”
“I was hoping you… uh… wouldn’t make me ask you this…” You nodded at him as you carried on walking, Peter was rubbing his hands together, running his hands through his hair, “I was wondering.. Uh.. if you wanted to build the death star with me, or even just hang out.”
You stopped walking, Peter carried on for a minute but then he stopped, waiting to see how you felt or your reaction, “Ummmm. I’m sorry Pete, I have plans tonight.”
Peter’s head dropped, you instantly felt terrible about not being able to hang out with him, but you had your priorities straight. You saw the school in front of you, there were students filling the school, each one talking to someone or smiling happily.
Inside your mind, played the words of your childhood, on repeat once again. You tried to drown them out, you didn’t want to hear anything, you didn’t want to think about the words, the people behind the words.
Peter looked at you, you weren’t speaking, but you were only standing there in silence, he tapped your shoulder and you shook back to reality, “Hey, you okay?”
You nodded your head quickly, putting on a fake smile as you walked behind him. “Yah sorry, I was thinking about whether we had a quiz or not.” Peter nodded as you walked behind him, “did you sleep last night? You look like you didn’t”
“Couldn’t fall asleep. But that’s okay.” you smiled at him happily and walked into the school. You noticed the instant attention you got, boys were staring more than usual, girls looked at you and only smirked or they looked at you like they were pissed.
Peter smiled at you once more then walked away, leaving you alone in the hallway, “oh wow, look at you.. You look hot!”
Flash Thompson. You rolled your eyes quickly, but realized being nice to everyone was now your main goal of the day, “Hi, Flash.”
He smiled at you as you turned around, looking you up and down, “you look different. More.. Alive..”
“Oh thank you,Flash.” You could tell there was a bit of sarcasm in his voice, so you threw some back at him, “You keep dressing like this, and you might take Liz’s spot as top hot girl.” You kept your smile on your face, “I ought to get to glass. Bye Flash.”
Flash watched as you walked away, you could only feel disgusted as he looked you up and down, you kept walking forwards, going to your locker, but then you heard Liz’s voice call out to you from down the hallway.
“Y/N! You look so pretty.” You frowned quickly, but pushed the door close as you waited for her to walk up to you, “Oh my gosh. This is so different from the sweatpants and t-shirts.”
“Yeah, decided I needed a little bit of a change.” Liz’s smile faded away, it was almost like you flipped a switch, going from resident nice girl to instant mean girl. “Too bad you are still the same ugly nerd.”
Shock washed over your face, “woah, what did I do?!” Liz licked her lips, anger now spread on her personality, “I saw you flirting with Peter. He is mine. Back off.”
You had feelings for Peter, yeah, but you never pursued them, knowing he wouldn’t feel the same way as you.”Okay…”
Liz put the smile back on her face, “ you may look like a good girl, but you are the worst of us all.” You stated to Liz before walking away, “stop.”
Liz spoke up lightly, you stopped in your tracks, she walked up behind you, “ may be a mean girl, but you are still the same obedient dog you were in 4th grade.”
Students in the school started to notice almost instantly, they surrounded you and Liz, your books resting in your hands. Liz circled you, looking at some of the people in the crowd, almost getting a high off of the crowd.
“Do you remember all those words I planted into your head? The ones I made you repeat everyday?” You nodded, feeling the tears well up in your eyes, but you only swallowed them, ignoring the urge to cry.
“Say them.” You looked towards her, some of the people in the crowd wanted to help you, some started to laugh at what she was doing, “Ug-”
You spoke under your breathe, she shook her head, “LOUDER!”
“UGLY!” You yelled lightly, the crowd let out a gasp, “what’s the next one?”
“Fat.” You spoke short words, you didn’t want to repeat the words embedded in your head. Liz smiled at you once more, poking at your sides, “Seems like you’ve lost a little of that baby fat..”
Liz got close to you, putting her face close to yours, “What else are you?”
“I’m a whore.” You stated silently, “Louder, little dog!”
“I’m a whore!” You stated louder than before, but you soon felt all the eyes of the school on you, you hoped Peter wasn’t watching, you didn’t want him to see you break.
The bell rang and people started to leave the situation, but you stood there, not wanting to address the situation, you only stood there, not wanting to think about whether Liz would walk away or not.
Liz moved behind you, “and don’t you forget the last one. Bitch.”
They continued to walk away, Liz turning around to see you, “Maybe you can cut that word into your skin.”
You turned on your heels, walking through the empty hallway, looking at the bare lockers. You felt like you were alone, the school may have been filled with shadows, but truly never people.
The wood shop seemed to be the one place you felt okay, so you went there, and luckily there wasn’t a class in the room. You walked over to the table, looking at some of the projects spread on the table, you had decided to finish up a birdhouse, surprising someone who was really far behind.
You started to carve the dovetail joint, using a fine sander to get the joint down to the size you needed it to be. Wooden flakes flew out from the wooden plank, luckily you put on glasses and the flakes didn’t hit you.
Once it was down to the size you wanted it to be, you used a small nail and put it under the hole, you adjusted the color of the house, but before you did, you used a sander to now make it less splintery.
The door of the shop opens, you turn to see Ned Leeds standing there, he looked at what you had in your hands, his own birdhouse. “My birdhouse?”
You nodded at him, “you did pretty awesome.”
Neds walked over to the table, standing next to you, “why are you fixing it?”
“I wanted to surprise you.”
Ned patted your shoulder, “thanks. You wanna help me pick a color?”
You shrugged, “blue and red.” Ned smiled at you, “oh yah, like spiderman!”
You smiled at how nerdy one of your best friends were, he had cared so much about everything, he wanted to be the best at everything and you seemed to cherish that in him. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Ned had started to look at you with confusion on his face, but you only went back to painting the house, hoping the blue and reds would soothe your mind. “Why did you allow her to treat you that way?”
Ned was talking about earlier, Liz confronting you in the hallway about Peter, “she isn’t worth my time. In 10 years she isn’t going to matter anyway.” Ned shrugged, realizing you might actually be right. “I’m happy you didn’t let her get to you. She isn’t worth it.”
You could feel the tension in the air, Ned didn’t really want to push into your life, he knew you but not enough to ask you really personal questions, “You look different today.”
A smile came onto your face, looking back up at Ned, feeling a sense of happiness, “you wanna try this?”
You handed Ned the paint brush, he took it happily and started to paint with a dark blue color, “You are really cheery today.”
“I have no reason not to be.”
Those were the last words you spoke to almost everyone, after the wood shop, you had decided being quiet and avoiding the Liz situation, hoping the next person you talk to wouldn’t mention what had happened this morning. But you consistently kept a smile on your face,hoping to hide the pain behind a smile.
It was almost the end of the last class, you saw Peter walk in late, he apologized to the teacher, looking at him with an apologetic puppy dog face. Peter had two options for a seat, one next to Liz, who only took the class as a extra credit.
He noticed his two options, and almost instantly walked over to you, you could notice the jealous look of Liz, she was burning holes into your brain. Peter sat down next to you, smiling happily, he tousled his hair with his hands, looking at you as he did.
“You know. The Death Star isn’t going to built itself tonight.” He leaned over whispering to you, you turned towards him, whispering back at him lightly, “you are right. It took Vader 20 years to build the first death star.”
Peter smiled at you, you turned back towards the front, but Peter wasn’t done talking to you, he tapped your shoulder lightly, you turned back one more time. He handed you a small black box that sparkled black. You took it from his hand, accepting the tiny box, “What is this?”
“A small gift before your birthday.” You had realized your birthday was like two days away, you smiled and opened the gift he gave you, it was a silver ring that had black letters engraved on it, they stated, “I know.”
“What Leia said to Han, you smiled and put it on your middle finger, Peter put his hand up, showing the same ring, but instead his said, i love you.
The bell rang, you started to pack up your stuff, before you did, you walked around the side of your desk, wrapping your arms around Peter. You may have had a bad day, but every time you saw him or even thought of him, a smile came upon your face.
You moved your hair behind your ear, Peter stood there, he looked at you one more time, “Death star building is still on the table.”
“Build it and send me a photo.” Peter put his hand through his hair, that seemed to be the one thing he did consistently. You walked out of the class room, hoping to avoid Liz, knowing she saw what happened between you and Peter. As quickly as you could, you made your way to your locker and got out of there before anything could happen.
You walked down the street, when you saw people they would stare at you until they couldn’t twist their neck back anymore. With all this attention, you had almost felt violated. A deep sense to cover up your body arises in you, but you had no real way to cover up, you only wore the dress and that was it.
You reached your house, once you were inside you tore the heels from your feet and set them down on the floor. After a semi normal day at school, you walked out of the living room and went into your bathroom. You kept repeating to yourself, “Today. Today.”
You looked at yourself in the mirror, you hadn’t cried yet but your cheeks were puffy, mostly under your eyes, red lines appeared around your eyes as you didn’t know how to feel. You moved the mirror, grabbing a bottle of pills from the cabinet behind the mirror.
There were plenty of places where you felt comfortable, but the one on the roof seemed to be the best place for you. You crawled out onto the fire escape, looking up, you had a few more flights of staircases to go before you reached the roof, so you continued to walk upwards.
You only had on the white dress but you kept on upwards, you found your small section on the roof, you had set up a large white canopy, a futon underneath it and a mosquito net surrounding the area. You pulled away the mosquito net, walking into your little den.
While sitting down, you looked at the bottle of pills sitting in your hands, you twisted the top off, putting some of the white pills in your hand, you saw the silver ring through the pills the matte seemed to show off the glimmering ring. Maybe that was supposed to be your one sign of hope, your one sign to stop now.
You looked at the ring once more, flashes of Peter started in your mind, his dark brown hair, lighter brown eyes, his awkward demeanor, everything about him made you smile, whether it was how nerdy he was or how he cared about everyone else.
The bottle only sat there in your hand, you pulled out a water bottle taking 8 pills at first, then you downed 8 more, making a total of 16 pills in your system, you had felt comfortable with it, knowing that it would go slowly, with no pain, just drifting into a deep sleep.
You laid back on the futon, looking at the ring on your finger, “I know.” was engraved perfectly on the ring, the black lettering sticking out to you. The ring started to aggravate you, the constant reminder of the pain you were to take off yourself but inflict on someone else.
In one swift moment you started to take off your ring, holding it in your hand, staring at it with tears bubbling in your eyes.
You started to chant the words, “Ugly. Fat. Whore. Bitch.”
As you spoke those words, your vision blurred, everything becoming spotty, you felt everything become limp each part of you no longer feeling alive, but feeling painless, soothing.
With the ring tightly squeezed in your hand, you closed your eyes for what you had hoped to be the last time.
You eyes were closed, you didn’t feel anything besides the needle protruding from your arm, everything in your body couldn’t move, you were almost in a really bad comatose state, you could feel everything but you couldn’t see or move.
You heard an unfamiliar voice next to you, she was talking about something, you didn’t know what yet, but you started to listen in closely. “Hello, Peter Parker, you are the next contact on Miss -”
There was a pause as you heard the fumbling of paper, “Miss Y/N Y/L/N, she had been found in a near death state, she had to be resuscitated upon the scene, but currently Y/N is in a comatose state and we are waiting upon response from the parents, but the patient had you as number 3 in emergency contacts. So if you could please get back to us.”
There was a click and then the nurse was at your bedside, she put two fingers on you, she was checking your heart rate. “Honey, if you are in there, you have more to live for, you can fight.”
Your parents hadn’t answered the call of the hospital, they honestly were still at work and wouldn’t answer to unknown numbers or callers they wouldn’t recognize. Peter had obviously been with Ned, and he didn’t hear the phone ring, instead he was complaining that you weren’t there with them.
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom really quick,” Ned nodded as Peter stood up and walked out of his room and into the bathroom, as he did that Peter’s phone went off, but he didn’t feel like answering it was his right as a friend, plus it was an unknown number. He only sat there, listening to the star wars ringtone that Peter had set, he titled his head up and down, almost perfectly to the beat.
Peter walked back in, watching Ned nod to nothing as the call went to voicemail, he laughed at his friend, Ned kept going but started a conversation with Peter, “what did Y/N think of her ring?”
“She was speechless, didn’t know how to react.” Ned smiled, happy to think of his friend going out with his crush. “You got a call by the way.”
Peter picked up his phone from the ground, looking at 1 missed call and a voicemail, he pressed play on the voicemail. His heart plummeted to the ground as he heard the news, he was unable to think or even process what he had just heard. “Ned, we have to go.”
Ned started to question Peter, “Pete what’s going on?”
Peter couldn’t stop moving, he was running around his room, looking for things like a madman, “Pete, tell me whats going on!”
The screams of Ned only echoed in Peter’s head, but they were consistent questioning what was going on, after while, Peter got tired of Ned’s constant nagging, “I didn’t do my job! Okay! I didn’t make her feel loved or happy! I DIDN’T PROTECT HER!”
Ned sat in silence, shocked at what he had just heard. “Who, Peter? Liz?”
He shook his head, a glimmer of the ring on his finger, he looked down at it, “she tried to kill herself.”
Ned only sat there, hoping that he would soon explain who he was talking about, he followed Peter’s eyes to see the ring, in horror he looked down, that’s why she was so different today.
“I have to go.” Peter pushed the door open, striping down to his spidey suit knowing he would get there faster, “meet me there Ned.” Peter swung out of the window, his web flying to a building and sticking on the side, he kept repeating the same moves, going through the cities at high speed.
The hospital was now in his sight, he swung to the top of the roof, and started to put on different clothes he had in a spare bag, once he was done, he put the black hood over his head and found the door to exit the roof, he started to go down the stairs as quick as he could.
He had to get to you, fear of not making it set on his mind. “Please Y/N… just hold on.”
Peter made it to the front desk, he was completely out of breath, his heart racing, but not from running, “Y/N - Y/L/N-N please-se”
The nurse noticed Peter’s ragged condition and tried to calm him down, “Son, please take a breath, you are okay.”
“I’m okay. But why do you think i’m here. Someone i know isn’t okay!” Peter had almost a short temper with the young lady, she looked on her computer, “room 108, first floor.”
He nodded and started to run in a random direction, not really knowing where he was going, the nurse called out to him, “the other way sir!”
Peter turned on his heels, going back the other direction in hopes of finding you. He kept running down the hallway, moving out of the way of those around him, trying to twist and turn. He then passed room 108, skidding to a stop, the curtain was pulled open and you were alone.
A series of tubs were connected to you, one in your mouth, providing oxygen, the other one taped up your nose, your eyes closed and hair in a messy pony tail. He slowly walked in, he was hoping you would sit up and tell him everything would be okay, but it was the opposite, he would be the one telling you it’s okay.
They placed you in a blue, thin, hospital gown, a white sheet covering you as if it was a blanket. Peter could only stare in pain, you were his best friend, smiling and happy, but now, you were lying in bed, unable to move or even speak. He placed his hand on yours, he looked for the ring but it was nowhere to be found, your hand felt so cold to him, nothing but ice.
“We found this in her hand.” Peter heard a familiar voice behind him, he turned to see a nurse, she held a tiny ziplock bag with the ring in it, he took it. Holding it as the tears came streaming down his face.
Peter put the ring on your finger, he kept looking at your face for reactions, maybe your eyes moving and the chance of you waking up. Peter held your hand, he was almost unable to feel anything, “You can’t do this.”
A tear dropped on your arm, in that moment Peter realized he was fully crying, that every sob and every fiber of his being ached for you to be holding him right now. “You mean so much to me, you mean the world to me!”
“I need you!” He yelled loudly, the tears breaking down his cheeks, “I still want you!”
He had no real way to feel, he was so angry at you for not telling him him how you felt, but he was so broken up that you had to go through this alone. “I can’t lose you..”
“I can’t watch as you lay here, I know you are in there, please fight.” He moved a piece of your hair behind your ear, “You’ve always told me, if you love someone be straight with them. It’s time for me to come straight.”
Peter kept your hand in his, he played with the ring on your finger, stating his words silently. “My heart races every time I see you, everything becomes right with the world, my smirk instantly turns into a smile. You make me, me. I love you, Y/N.”
You could barely hear his voice, but you knew he was there, you started to try and speak, only to be greeted with nothing again. “I swear to protect you the right way this time Y/N, I promise to love you for all your flaws, all your hopes, your dreams, I swear to love you for everything and anything you are. “
“……I….Know..” An inaudible voice comes out of you, but Peter heard it, you could feel a deep rooted pain in your stomach, but you spoke through it all, “I… Love you too.”
“I promise to protect you, to protect you from yourself, from your depression. I swear to love you all my life.” Peter hadn’t been able to hear you trying to talk to him, instead he kept holding your hand, hoping you would soon hold his back.
The pain started to get worse, a terrible dragging in your left side, you started to have your breathing hitch, unable to breath in and out, but instead a deep coughing. The monitor next to you started to let out a loud beeping noise, Peter looked up and then down at you, you were shaking uncontrollably. “NURSE PLEASE HELP ME!”
The staff ran into the room, seeing you on the bed, they rushed to you, holding your arms down, the doctor looked confused at first, but then soon realized what it was. “She is choking on her own blood!”
The tube in your mouth started to turn red, the blood traveling up your throat as you choked on your own blood. That’s when Peter felt it, you gripped your hand around his, he stood there, blank.
He watched in horror as the person who meant the world to him slowly died, your heart started to go incredibly fast, but your blood pressure dropped. Your heart was trying to regenerate the blood, but your own body was killing itself.
The doctor placed a tube in your throat, trying to allow you to breathe, but blood shot up that tube as well. “Stay with me Y/N.”
You pushed your eyes open quickly, forcing yourself to look at Peter, you reached up, pulling whatever restricted you from talking out, “ I love you Peter Parker.”
As you spoke those words, Peter pulled your face into his, kissing your lips lightly, but he soon realized that you would be gone. You closed your eyes once more, your heart rate dropped, the flatline echoing in the room.
The doctors tried multiple times, but they still couldn’t bring you back. The same Clear and charge, repeat, but Peter stayed still, looking at your blood stained lips, “time of death, 5:04, April 9.”
The doctor’s and nurses left Peter alone in the room, only watching as he would sit still, holding your cold hands, after a certain amount of hours he felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned to see Tony Stark standing there, his eyes welled up with tears, just as Peter’s were, “It’s time to go.”
Peter didn’t move, but he watched as a nurse removed the blanket from you body, he then noticed them, 4 words carved into your legs, each one a deep pink scar.
“Ugly. Fat. Whore. Bitch.” There were two on each leg, Peter shook his head, that wasn’t her. He stormed out of the room, picking up a sharpie from the desk of the nurse, he walked up to her scars changing the words written on your skin.
“Beautiful, genuine, caring, intelligent.” Stark read the words, feeling bad as he watched Peter, “those words shouldn’t have been the last thing on her mind.”