me clinging to your ceiling fan like a gargoyle: in “the gang saves the day,” we’re allowed a glimpse into mac’s mind and a vision of his ideal self, a world in which he is fearless and strong and mobile, able to handily take out row after row of opponents who would do harm to himself and his friends. however, even in his wildest dreams, he cannot grant himself a total victory. he takes a fatal wound to the neck. he falls; he bleeds out on the linoleum. and as he does, he imagines dennis holding him, chanting, “i can’t live without you,” chanting, “i love you.” all the while, mac says nothing, offers no reaction, chokes and sputters on his own blood until he perishes in dennis’s arms. dennis bursts into hysterical, vocal sobbing as mac ascends to heaven, where god has a seat waiting for him. even in this private, personal space, mac cannot allow himself to imagine happiness and romantic love with dennis. rather than spinning an elaborate fantasy like charlie’s, wherein he heroically saves dennis, kisses him, marries him, and rides off into the sunset, the most pleasure that he can allow himself is the thought of dennis holding him as he dies, and saying, “i love you.” mac doesn’t imagine himself reciprocating the sentiment, doesn’t say anything in response, doesn’t express any affection. as a reward for his restraint in this regard, he imagines heaven, imagines an enthusiastic welcome from god. here, as elsewhere in the western canon, mac falls back upon depictions of violence as a mechanism of plausible deniability of homosexuality; dennis can hold mac and say “i love you,” so long as mac is bleeding out as dennis says it, and so long as mac is too incapacitated to say “i love you” in return. mac, like so many others, has fully internalized the notion that there is no moral justification for him to build a happy, loving existence with another man. even as mac permits himself a glimpse of what that happiness might look like, he simultaneously imagines his own violent demise. to be queer is to live with the knowledge that the best of us - alan turing, harvey milk, oscar wilde, many more - made their names by dying. mac genuinely believes that bleeding to death in dennis’s arms, and hearing “i love you” but never repeating it, is the happiest ending available to him.
you: *hitting me with a broom* delete your blog! delete your blog