he is married to mariah carey

Keith facts that will never be confirmed but I know in my heart to be true:

  • Really gay
  • Done growing
  • Lactose intolerant (that doesn’t stop him though)
  • Acne
  • Fought to the death during a Black Friday sale for his fingerless gloves
  • Has seriously considered marrying Mothman
  • Strike that, he has a list of cryptids he would FMK (Free, Marry, Kiss)
  • Doesn’t know who Mariah Carey is, at this point too afraid to ask
Worth The Wait

Summary: Jensen plans on cooking dinner for the reader on Christmas Eve. But she has plans of her own.

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Word Count: 2,470

Christmas Request by: @atc74

“Hi sexy.” Your boyfriend whispers into your ear when you hug him hello.

“Hey.” You giggle as he tightens his arms around you making it hard to move.

“Jay! I wanna go see my baby!” Jensen finally releases you from his grip then he follows you down the hall.

“There he is!” You squeal running into the living room. Jensen’s dog Duke jumps up from his bed and he bolts in your direction.

“Such a good little puppy, huh? Yes you are!” You praise scratching behind his ears when he falls to your feet.

“I swear you only date me for my dog.” Jay playfully scoffs as he takes in the scene before him.

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All I Want for Christmas

A/N: Merry Christmas everyone! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy whatever-you-celebrate-and-whatever-you-believe-in! I hope you enjoy this fic as much as I did while writing it!

Inspiration/Song: All I Want for Christmas is You sang by Michael Bublé ((it’s much shorter than 5 minutes but the video is so idek))

Word Count: 3496

TW: Swearing, sex mentioned.

Pairing: LMM x Reader

You knew he had to be up to something.

Your roommate and your best friend, Lin, had been playing the same chord progression for the past 3 nights you had come home.

He didn’t have his millions of papers strewn across the shared apartment like he usually did when he wrote In the Heights during your law school days and Hamilton during the start of your own practice.

Now, as an accomplished and respected lawyer, not a paper could be seen in sight. Not even the pen that would reside permanently on his ear.


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5. Nick Cannon’s Headphones Are Lumpy

Security. Security! There’s a bunch of extras throwing a lame party in the living room - can you do something about that?

Oh wait, that’s Nina. Yes, Cycle 20 Nina. And if there’s one thing you remember about Nina it’s that she has unrequited feelings for Chris is missing part of her lung knows how to throw a party! Don’t mistake Nina for the challenge’s special guest, though. Her sole purpose is to hula hoop and then introduce the actual special guest: Nick Cannon. “Thee Nick Cannon” Denzel clarifies as if Nick Cannon were famous enough for someone to impersonate him or he were too busy to make an appearance.

The cast is excited and makes obligatory references to the #1 thing Cannon is known for: being married to Mariah Carey. Too bad Carey and Cannon have separated since this segment was filmed - awkward! Cheer up, Nick: Tyra Banks might use those makeup and lighting tricks to appear as if she is Mariah (only prettier, obviously) and you can have sex with her instead. 

What’s Cannon doing in the house, anyway? Surely none of these models are good enough to warrant an America’s Next Top Model’s Got Talent crossover. Nope, he’s here to promote his new headphons NCredibles by Nick Cannon. They’re just like Beats by Dre except without the style, functionality, or excitable celebrity name attached. 

Ah, but they’re also better than Beats by Dre because you can connect a wire to a friend’s set of headphones and listen to what he’s hearing at the same time. That’s a great idea – unless, you know, you already own speakers. I guess it’s also a more intimate way to, say, have sex with Mariah Carey while listening to Mariah Carey music. No really, he has previously bragged about banging Mariah while they listen to her music. No wonder she wants a divorce.

Speaking of celebrity divorce, those proceedings are costly, which presumably is why Cannon cannot afford a real marketing team. Instead, the models break into groups and shoot a photo of the product, with the best photo getting used in an actual NCredibles campaign. 

Ben’s group takes charge for him and everyone complains about his lack of leadership. Guys, he’s only a quadruple threat, not a quintuple threat! He can’t literally do everything! Adam directs a photo where two girls look bored at a party… and then look equally bored at the party once they synch their headphones with Denzel’s. It’s nice to see some truth in advertising, but I think it’s a little too real. Lenox lacks confidence, but her team’s concept is solid, so she wins. I look forward to seeing her headphone photo as a blinking pop-up ad on the internet. 

Anyway, this whole challenge was basically a disappointment. Why couldn’t Nick Cannon lead another improvisation workshop like he did when he appeared previously in Cycle 6? That shit was hilarious, thanks mainly to a clueless. Jade. In fact, let’s just forget that this week’s challenge ever happened and just watch Jade in the clip at top of this post instead. Now there’s your funny moment!

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 6