he damn well knows it's bullshit because the thought crosses his mind every damn day

Just, Breathe - Part 2

Summary: Pasts do not define futures if you let them. You can only move forward and hope for the best.

Prompt:  “I just don’t think I can do this anymore”
“Who gave you the right?”
“You’re a coward you always have been” very angst Daveed x Reader or Lin x Reader, please! - Anon (the other prompts will be in the next parts I promise)

Warnings: swearing, Angst, implied smut, sexual Spanish references

words: 3,050 (non chill Gee is back at it again.

A/N: You guys asked me for some fuck me up real good angst soo I did this? This was actually really fun to write and Marti helped me a lot with the dialog because i fucking SUCK, but I’m so happy with how it turned out. There is 100% going to be another part if you guys want it that is. So if you enjoy this please let me know so I can start working on the second half asap. Thank you for reading this, this is the first time i’ve stepped back from something and thought i actually like this. Be safe and stay lovely. I love you. - A.Ham (Gee)

Tags: @yehummno @ruth-hamilton-delrio (because i know this killed ya) @isis278

Masterlist

Part 1 I Part 2 I Part 3 (coming soon)

Prompts

- Flashbacks are in italics.


Your eye scanned over the pages and pages of notes whilst you picked out the harmonies of the different cast members in the room. Every note hit home, you had read and reread the sheet music a thousand times since you had agreed to take over from Alex, wanting to make a point that you deserved to be here as much as the next person, even if you didn’t feel like you did. As you listened to the voices glide through the verses your ears pricked on something different.

“guys, hang on” you sighed out fairly loud to be heard. The melody ceased as you made your way up the stairs to stand down stage. You slinked towards Lin chewing on your check as you did so. “you’re flat, its putting me off” you shot him a pointed look. There was a small part in your brain that thought he may be doing this on purpose. He knew exactly how much it bothered you when something didn’t sit right, it would play on your mind and completely drive you insane. God help if someone sang over a song out of time, they might as well be dead to you at that point.

“I think I got this [y/n], i’m far from flat” he brushed off taking a sip of water, his eyes skimming over your frame as if it was a challenge. You raised a brow.

“sorry, I forgot, refresh my memory, who did you hire to conduct this musical?” you enquired with the most sarcastic tone you would fathom.

“who wrote the god damn thing?” his attitude way too cocky for his own good. How fucking dare he, who does he think he is? Staring you down with a face like thunder. The eyes of every other cast member burned into you from all angles.

“you had no idea what you were doing back then either” you shook your head down to the floor. “If you have an issue with me doing my job just speak up would you, god knows it’s never stopped you before” you added leaving a wake of gasps and eye rolls.

“guys, lets call it a day get some rest before tonight, I think someone needs to cool off” Tommy released the tension in the air with a clap of his hands before the whole stage started to disburse off into the wings. You gathered your paperwork once you reached the piano, gently tapping the pages to line up with each other. Internally, you cursed yourself for letting him get to you. He had no right to make you feel unwelcome, between all the hard work you had put into In The Heights and any other god damn whim Lin wen’t off on, you deserved the right amount of respect to do your job properly.

“I’m sorry” you heard Lin say barely even a whisper. You were quite sure that your head had just made it up and you carried on filing the papers into their proper place.

“I knew I was flat, I was trying to mess with you and i’m sorry” he said louder this time, making sure that you definitely heard it. Your eyes grazed up at him a questioning tone hung in the air around the both of you. You couldn’t help but feel like he was still playing games. For the duration of your entire engagement it felt like a huge game of seeing how far he could push you before you would finally snap and called it off. You never did. You loved Lin with all of your heart and the thought of having to call of the wedding you planned for too long, saved too much money and spent hours picturing in your head made you feel sick to your stomach. It was something that you would never do because long story short all you really wanted was to marry him. He was your best friend and your partner in crime through everything, that was, until he wasn’t.

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“we’re not the same people we were [y/n]” he ran a hand through his messy hair, the dark locks pointing in every which way they could find. “things have changed, we have changed”

You stared at him from your side of the room. Lin paced back and forth like there was an invisible  boundary that he knew not the cross.

“bullshit Lin, I haven’t changed one bit and you know that. I’m not as good of an actor as you, I can’t change my persona at the drop of a hat its not me, its you” you stepped closer. “you’ve changed, you want more out of this relationship then i can give you. You’re taking things from me that I can’t give you” a flash of recognition graced across his face but was quickly replaced by anger. You wanted nothing more then for this stupid fight to be over. When you announced the wedding everyone was over the moon and most of all you were happy. The thought you of spending your life with your best friend meant so much more to you then a dress and a cake. It meant that you would have a lifetime of growing and learning new and wonderful things about each other every day. you savoured that, every last drop that Lin would give you as a glimpse inside his mind you cherished with all your heart. Sure between the years you had fights like this, but they always blew over, nothing really came of them. You would throw something at him (granted it may have been a cushion or too you didn’t want to actually harm the poor guy), the both of you would shoot insults back and forth at each other for a while until you both ended up laughing at something stupid and putting the argument to rest. Thats how you worked. Two fiery personalities in one apartment could get intense sometimes but that was who you were as a couple.

“I think we need to cancel the wedding” he made the comment without even being able to look you in the eyes, like he was ashamed. Ashamed of the fact that he was breaking your heart, ashamed of the fact that he was admitting he was wrong for the first time in your relationship.
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You looked him in the eyes for the first time in 6 years. All the love that was once shared between the two of you was certainly not lost. His hands ran through each other in a nervous fashion, in some attempt to keep his cool.

“you haven’t changed a bit Lin” you stuffed the now level papers into your bag before picking up your jacket and slipping it onto your torso. “you constantly think that you can say sorry and everything will be fixed” using every excuse to fiddle with things in your bag so you didn’t have to look up and see his pleading eyes boring into you again.

“are you going to throw the fact that i cancelled the wedding in my face after all these years?” he was angrier now. His hands braced themselves into fits at his sides, dark brow furrowed out of pure frustration.

“well you did so i’m going to go out on a limb and say, yes” you said swinging your bag over your shoulder. He stopped you. Dragging your shoulder back until you spun around to meet him face to face, you didn’t realise how close you actually were until both of your noses practically touched. His breath was warm against your lips as he towered over you. It may have been years yet he still had a strange intoxicating effect over the whole of you.

You sighed. “just let me do my job, and do yours properly. I don’t want to be a part of your games anymore Miranda” you shot turning away from him. You made a b-line back to your office locking the door behind you. There wasn’t a chance in hell you were going to let him throw you off your game tonight.

_________

On a normal day, your earlier run in with Lin would have thrown you off your game. However, there was no time to be off your game on opening night. You pushed all notion of nerves and anger aside and focused on doing your job to the best of your ability and let me tell you something, you did. Your first night at Hamilton was the best show that you had ever done and you knew it. So when the cast let their open palms point towards you in the pit you were more the happy to stand and wave to the surrounding people cheering every single person who worked on the show that night. You spun around to greet the audience placing a hand over your heart in thanks, you were truly moved by the way that you had been welcomed into the Hamilton family, so it was no surprise when a stage hand handed Lin a mic and he coughed in order to command silence over the theatre.

“As many of you know, Mr Alex Lacamoire has left us in the very capable hands of Miss [y/n] [y/l/n]” he paused smiling up at the crowd from the crumbled piece of paper in his hands. There was a round of applause until he held up his hand to signal silence once again. “I am more then happy to welcome her back into not only mine but the rest of this cast’s lives, [y/n] is one of the greats and I very thankful to have her as a part of this family” you let yourself get a slight tear in your eye as you beamed up at him centre stage, no matter how mad you were with him he always had a way with words that penetrated every single fibre of your being. He looked down at you, his brown eye glinting with love before he lifted the mic to his mouth one last time.

“always”

After everything has settled down and each of the respective cast mates had filed into their dressing rooms to get changed for the night ahead you headed to your office sliding on the dress you had chosen for the afterparty. You had insisted that there was no need for a party but between everyone else they had decided that you needed one, apparently. Something about tradition and you were in no mood to argue with tradition at the prospect of cocktails.
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The bar as full of people that you knew but you honestly felt like a stranger. The last time you were here you were with Lin. You were happy, new love was blossoming and you were basking in the entirety of its glory, at this point it felt like you couldn’t let the memories stop pouring back through your brain like polaroids in the dark room that was your brain, and boy did they come flooding back.

_______________________________________________________________________

Your palm rested lightly on his bicep, as the atmosphere of the room swept you up, whipping all of the emotions that lingered around you into a frenzy. You looked up at the gentleman in front of you. You couldn’t help but tell yourself that he was quite handsome. Picking a patch of lint of hiss lapel you ignored everything he said focusing on the rise and fall of his chest as he laughed at his own joke.

You laughed back, a subconscious nod to the fact that you didn’t have a clue what he just said. Before you could gather anymore of your own thoughts a strong grasp made itself present on your own arm. The icy touch making you gasp slightly. You didn’t have to let your mind run wild or fast to figure our who the hand belonged to. Merely the feel of Lin’s hands on you made you extremely aware of his presence.

“Excuse me, [y/n] can I borrow you for a second?” He asked to no one in particular, almost as if he didn’t intend the statement to leave his mouth as a question. “press thing, excuse us” he turned to the man you had just been conversing with and pulled you away. Weaving in and out of the crowd you wondered how many people could actually see what was going on. You knew you were in trouble, and you knew it wasn’t going to end in your favour.

As the winter air hit your lungs you almost choked. “what do you think you’re going [y/n]?” Lin asked moving round to face you. In his normal disposition he would have added a cocked eyebrow to emphasise the fact that he wasn’t actually pissed at you. There was no cocking of any eyebrow at this point, his face was a pure picture of him waiting for an answer.

“I was talking with that man, you told me to socialise. I was doing as i was told for once” you shot back quicker then your mind could compute that you made a poor choice of words. “Do you think this is a game? Oh, my dear you are highly mistaken” he replied rocking back and forth on his heels. He was practically fizzing.

You let your hip slide to the side in a questioning manor, this drove him crazy. The fact that you could use your body to drive him insane and make him question his thought process was something that he was always in awe of. Tonight, not the case.

“This is not a game, if someone sees you flirting with other men that gives other men permission to flirt with you. Do you really think thats appropriate after the last few months? What do you think was about to happen?” he enquired crossing his arms across his broad chest.

“[Y/N]!” your head whipped from the intent stare you held with Lin to the voice of your friend drunkly running out of the event. “[y/n] you know me and free bars, who is this?” she slurred pointing towards the angry man who now made his way towards your side, letting a hand drift to rest in the open back of your dress. “Lin, i’m [y/n]’s boyfriend, nice to meet you” his attitude shifted. The smile playing on his lips reached each side of his face as he took your friend’s hand in his to shake. “It’s cold out here no, we should get going, I’ll get us a cab” if this man’s demenor changed anymore within a short space of time you were pretty sure you were going to end up with whiplash god damn it.

He placed a soft kiss behind your ear, to everyone on the outside, an innocent act. However it was only you that felt his finger tips press into the soft skin of your back. It was only you that heard the spat tone of “Make an excuse, get in the cab” and before you could find a sarcastic comment to respond with he left your skin lingering with feathered fingerprint bruises and he was at the edge of the curb hailing a car.

“Well” you sighed gathering the long pool of silk that was your dress up around your wrist. “Enjoy the free bar sweetie, we must get coffee soon!’ you called back flashing a reassuring smile behind you before sliding into the cab. Lord knows what would face you on the other end of short journey. You dreaded it, but you also couldn’t help but press your tights tightly against each other at the thought of it.

You slammed the door not bothering to let him finish the sentence that had bearly left his throat. A cold front came over your entire body, the random chit chat that Lin had engaged you in on the way home was not something you cared for. Apparently tonight he gave a damn what your cab driver over heard, it had never really stopped him before.

Letting the train of your dress glide over the dark wood floors of his apartment your eyes burned into the back of you.

"who gave you the right?” he asked into thin air tugging his tie loose.

You didn’t answer, you simply threw your handbag onto the couch before walking over to the large windows that framed the city skyline perfectly. Lights illuminating every single asset of the city. Your teeth tugged on your bottom lip subconsciously as he strode towards you reaching for your waist as he did.

“you should know by now i don’t like someone admiring whats mine” he breathed down your neck letting his teeth grazing over the soft skin at the nape.

“I’m yours Lin, you know that” you whispered not sure whether you were in the right place to talk back or not, however you were feeling extra brave with pushing your luck tonight. His fingers tugged at the zipper on your side, as he moved his free hand to fist the hair at the base of your neck tugging down slowly earning a low moan to escape your throat. You were clearly not in the right place to talk back to him at this moment. He let out a breathy chuckle.

“always an answer for everything mi amor” your breath hitched as he pressed himself around you. consuming every single part of your senses as he let his teeth trail across the top of your ear before he whispered. “enviar”

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“hey lady of the hour, I lost you for a minute there” a slight look of concern crossed Lin’s face as he questioned you letting his hand rest comfortably on the small of your back like before. It was all too much. between every single moment that the both of you had shared and every single moment you still had to share you knew you wouldn’t be able to go another moment before doing this. For whatever reason every single ounce of feeling that you had every felt for this damn man came flooding back to you and for this reason and this reason alone.

You kissed him.

6

Scott “Leave My Tessa Alone/You’re Full of Bullshit, Tess” Moir’s reaction to Tessa’s Sportsnet photo shoot.