you break everything you touch
Sirius Black had felt many things in his life.
He had felt pain in every form possible. It had always been expected until he had found the courage to get away as fast as he could but then it had been so unexpected, it had hurt more than he never thought was possible. However he still was a Black in blood and you could say what you wanted about them but they were as strong as it comes.
He had felt alone until he had found what he had been looking for all this time. It wasn’t a lover, it wasn’t a mentor but it was a brother he had never had. Yes, of course he did have a real brother but the tall messy haired boy was everything Sirius ever hoped to have in his miserable life and somehow life wasn’t as horrible as it used to be anymore.
He had felt love until it was in shambles. He didn’t know what was wrong but it was no longer what it used to be. The amber eyed werewolf had been lying for the longest time and with all that was going on, Sirius couldn’t find it in him to trust him anymore. He still loved him with everything he had, he just didn’t know if he loved him back like he used to. The warm skin that used the shiver under his touch felt cold as ice now.
He had felt safe but no longer. As the long fingers of a women he would call mum soon had twirled between his locks as she tried to calm him down, Sirius had felt like he had finally found his home.
He had felt loss, a small boy with raven hair as his had lost his way because Sirius wasn’t careful enough and now that he was lost, there was no way of finding him. He had trembled as he read the news about the blond haired girl he adored so much.
He had felt lost, it was like after every turn there was more darkness but it was alright because they had always pulled through, it was what they did, surviving against all odds, it even made this whole mess a little more entertaining. Sirius always had a knack for seeing the fun in everything, that was how he endured everything that he went through when he was a child.
But he had never felt something like this before. There was no way of explaining it. It was like someone had stabbed him in the stomach and twisted the knife but there was no blood coming out. It was as if there was a black hole instead of his heart now sucking all the blood from his veins. His brain was working like a madmen trying to figure out how this could have happened.
James Potter. Dead.
It had felt like James would never die, he didn’t have it in him. Sirius had always believed as they duelled together during raids he would always be fine, that was why he had taken so many risks because James Potter couldn’t die.
He was looking down at the boy he once called his brother but no longer. The longer he looked the more he felt guilt weighing on his shoulders. How could it not when it was his fault completely? If he had been as brave as James was, he could have given his life in exchange of his without a second thought. Sirius had lost the count of how many times James saved his life and this one time James wanted him to keep him safe, he had failed because he was a coward. James wasn’t here to tell him that he was a true Gryffindor now and Sirius knew he was never more than a Black, the blood he denied so stubbornly made sure he remembered where he belonged. The words of Walburga swirled around his brain leaving burn marks everywhere they touched. You break everything you touch. And he did, he broke everything he had every laid his hands on.
Sirius couldn’t tear his eyes away from the limp body of his brother as he noticed his wand wasn’t there and he felt another knife in his back this time. He trusted too much, James had always trusted too much but in the wrong person this time. The madmen in his brain was now running around trying to figure something out to make this better but there was one thing on his mind.
Sirius felt like if he were to get back at Peter for what he had done, James would come back, he had to go after the rat right now, there was no other option. Revenge must be the answer to all this and he would have his Prongs back. Sirius tried to get back up, Padfoot would find the bloody betrayer in a heartbeat but his body betrayed him as his head spun like he was falling through a hole, he eyes went black and he held onto the first thing he found. The small table right next to the door couldn’t handle the sudden impact and crashed under his touch.
You break everything you touch.
So that’s what Sirius did, half of the house was blown up already and it wasn’t like the Potters would need any of these things anymore. As that thought passed through his mind Sirius screamed like the world was ending. He screamed as he threw chairs around the living room, he screamed as he slammed the plates Lily and James had left on the table and he didn’t feel anything but hatred and anger. He didn’t feel relieved, he didn’t feel better, he just felt the urge to make sure that rat never crawled again. The air wouldn’t touch his lungs as it didn’t touch James’. His eyelashes would never meet again as James’ didn’t. He would never betray anyone again as he had betrayed James. Peter Pettigrew would soon no longer be as James Potter wasn’t.