hdjm

Those ears! That grin! Wouldn’t you run away to explore the universe with this sexy beast of a man?

Join me, won’t you, for my Summer of Doctor Who viewing?  *extends hand*

An excerpt from tonight’s recap:

As the animated mannequins lift their horrible plastic hands to smack Rose into the hereafter, a real live man (well, hello there, Christopher Eccleston, six feet of swaggering real live man from any angle) grabs her hand and shouts, “Run!”

Read the rest of my recap of Doctor Who 1.01 - Rose over at HDJM!

If today is your birthday...

Your first task now you are a year older is to let go of the baggage of the past. That means sitting down with loved ones and discussing your feelings. After that you’ll be free to start a new and more enjoyable chapter.

Source: Globe & Mail

It’s another typical night at the Martin household for Andrew, where gloating over besting your ex-wife’s fraudulent plots is quickly topped by your current wife calling to say, hi, honey, guess what — I’ve been shot at again!  And then darned if you don’t find your pesky ex-wife hiding in your daughter’s room, earning herself yet more points in the Worst Parent Ever competition by deciding to bleed to death all over Juliet’s nice Pottery Barn Kids rug.

Read the rest of my recap of Ringer 1.20 - If You’re Just an Evil Bitch, Then Get Over It at HDJM!

Who’s a good little bit of TARDIS?  You are!

I lurched off to bed after posting last night, so that means this morning I want to talk to you about Cybermen and Pete Tyler and Mickey/Ricky and ridiculously pretty Jake like crazy!

Read the rest of my recap of Doctor Who 2.05 - Rise of the Cybermen over at HDJM!

Jake wants us to know that symmetry is the language of the universe, and geometrical shapes make up its characters.  “And when you speak the language, follow the logic you can predict the next step. You just have to trust in where the paths meet.”  M.C. Escher fans, rejoice!  You know where Jake’s coming from, am I right?  Or if you’re a fan of honeycombs (which are big — yeah, yeah, yeah! they’re not small — no, no, no!), go ahead and rejoice also, for not only is honey delicious, it comes from a naturally tesselated (tiled pattern repeating particular shapes) structure.

But you know, symmetry isn’t the most exciting thing.  If all the sides and patterns are perfectly proportioned and matching, there’s less complexity to experience or describe.  Symmetry can be beautiful, and it can move us greatly.  But when we strive to make things symmetrical, we sacrifice detail and surprise.  And really, in that way this episode showcases Touch‘s strengths and weaknesses pretty damn well.

Read the rest of my recap of Touch 1.10 - Tesselations over at HDJM!

well

after doing some thinking and soul-searching and maybe a tiny bit of being really grouchy about it in the shower, i’ve decided to go on a hiatus from recapping hannibal.

i wrote a small explanation on heydontjudgeme. i don’t know if this is permanent. i’m going to be in new york from this sunday to next sunday, so episodes five and six were going to be delayed anyway. this seems like as good a time as any to stand back, get some distance, and evaluate what i’m getting out of hannibal v. the things it refuses to give me.

right this second, i’m not comfortable lending the show my implicit support by writing 4500 words of jokes and analysis every week, and i wouldn’t be able to manage that anyway without a really dickbaggy strain of anger running through everything, which is the opposite of what the site is about.

anyway, i appreciate every single person who’s ever read these things, more than you’ll ever know.

besos <3

I'M DOING A WINTER SOLDIER RECAP BUT ITS GONNA BE A MINUTE

I can’t see it until the end of next week because I’m worth negative money right now, and all I have for a rip is a Russian-audio copy with Spanish subtitles. I’m better at Spanish than I thought but not THAT great, so the overarching plot/themes might get literally lost in translation for me.

Anyway I don’t write movie recaps without paying to see it first because I am VERY HONORABLE.

BUT IM EXCITED TO DO THIS MOVIE IVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG, LIKE 80 YEARS.

blugh

ok as some of you may have noticed (or not who knows), friday and saturday have come and gone without a thor recap. i have about half an hour of the movie done, but i just…stalled out. this has never happened to me before with a recap, and i have no idea why–i loved the movie, and was doing fine with the recap right up until i suddenly wasn’t.

it WILL get done, eventually, because i hate leaving things unfinished and i’m self-aware enough to know that this is tying into my currently gnarly emotional state (the holidays are always hard), and my enthusiasm for recapping will kick back up soon. you guys are all really nice and supportive, and i feel gross and kinda guilty for not making more of an effort, but it’s like…the jokes are not coming right now. it would be more painful for you to read than for me to write.

i’ve also got catching fire and MAYBE the hobbit (depending on how i feel after seeing it) on the docket, but i can’t give a specific timeframe. SURELY IT WILL BE AFTER THE ENTHUSIASM HAS PASSED THOUGH. we can just enjoy everything quietly together later on. thank you for your understanding. i am very embarrassed but there’s nothing to be done, because i don’t want you to read something i didn’t give AT LEAST 110% 85% on.

as an apology/proof of awfulness, here is the only part of this recap i’ve enjoyed writing so far:


We are then treated to a brief moment of Chris Hemsworth’s hard work at the gym. His body is so close to the platonic ideal of factory machinery that he could build a Ferrari 458 Italia with his pectoral muscles.

A SHORT LIST OF UNUSED “CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S BODY” METAPHORS:

+It looks like two Michelangelo sculptures fucking.

+It looks like the main components of his workout regimen are “silverback gorilla wrestling” and “silverback gorilla mating season wrestling.”

+It looks like he had an accident and everything he lost was replaced with tank parts under baby skin.

+It looks like he started to animorph into a polar bear but was interrupted.

+It looks like socially acceptable pornography for those people who want to have sex with monster trucks or dragons

(this next one is courtesy a heterosexual dude friend who happened to be in the garage with my best bro/roommate Chelsea when I went out to ask her “What’s the most fanciest complicated high-performance car you can think of? I need to make a joke about Chris Hemsworth’s body.” since I don’t know anything about cars. You will find he is the wisest among us.)

+It looks like a cheesecake when you’re hungry.



SHIT’S DIRE.

HEYDONTJUDGEME IS MYSTERIOUSLY DOWN

a solution is being searched for though. i’m sorry for the inconvenience! we’ll let you know when it’s back up!

i know nothing about computers, so my only explanation is ILLUMINATI INTERFERENCE, but i have been informed that this is not the problem and should in fact stop blaming the illuminati for everything that goes wrong in my life.

but i will NEVER.

HAHA I KEEP FLAKING OUT IT'S THE WORST BUT HERE ARE MY RECAP PLANS FOR THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE

i have deemed ahs: coven too exhausting to even watch right now (i’m two episodes behind), so i won’t be recapping it right now. maybe in the future, but i currently don’t have the energy for anything more than 30 rock on netflix until the little “are you okay? should i call 911?” message pops up after i’ve watched too many episodes in a row.

a thor 2 recap will be happening though! but not opening weekend, because my best friend is getting married on tuesday. i might actually go see it tuesday night. catching fire will also be happening at the end of the month. I CAN’T FLAKE ON THESE I ALREADY DID THE FIRST TWO!

this post is mostly for me.

We’re geared up to find out if Andrew’s gone evil!  Rogue!  Renegade! 

But instead we open on Siobhan swooning into a room in an outfit so ill-advised, I think maybe for a moment it’s Bridget in a drug-addict-era flashback.  Did Siobhan mention she’s having twins?  And she wants to drive that point home; what other excuse could she have for wearing this ensemble of a translucent flowy tent of a shirt and — wait, is that a bolo tie?  I mean, I don’t think we’re in Paris, Texas, Siobhan.  WE’RE IN PARIS, FRANCE!  No, it turns out it’s not a bolo tie; it’s just a horrid necklace that makes the whole outfit of shimmering wealthy on-the-run pregnancy and identity concealment look even odder.  And let me say here I think the fine people in Paris, TX would not walk out of doors in such an assemblage as Siobhan has on today — in this get-up, she doesn’t fit in at any of the Paris-es.

Read More at my recap of Ringer 1.16 - You’re Way Too Pretty To Go To Jail over at Hey, Don’t Judge Me.