“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 4 - Blazing Saddles
WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how many times J-Snow reminds us he’s seen the Night King, turn back now.
THE ROAD FROM HIGHGARDEN
When one quip-meister dies, another returns; Bronn is back, even though his dialogue is now just mainly variations on the words “fuck” and “cunt.” Regardless, he’s here and he is NOT happy with the lil’ ol’ bag o’ gold Jaime gave him from the Highgarden loot.
Anyway, basically what’s happening is the Lannisters are taking all the food in the Reach (I know, I know, it seems like a process but Sam’s Dad and his son Dickbag or whatever assure us that they “have teams of men working on this”). And they’re all gonna Oregon Trail it back to King’s Landing and try not to get dysentery or cholera.
Mycroft is back. And he is mincing.
Basically, he’s like, “Blah Blah Blah Braavos blah blah blah bitch betta have my money.” And Cersei’s just like -
If there was any doubt we need to talk about Bran after last week, it is now gone. Because he turned FULLY into that kid in high school who watched Fight Club, listened to Radiohead, and unlocked all the secrets of the universe. In short, as the “Previously on” segment reminds us, he’s gone from this -
to this -
At this moment, Littlefinger somehow cornered him alone in a room and is giving him the dagger way back from Season 1 like -
But Bran’s just like -
Until Littlefinger is like, “It must be so hard, beebee, to come back from abroad to all this chaos.” And Bran looks him straight in the face and says -
And Littlefinger is all -
Anyway, Meera shows up. And apparently she’s leaving. So she’s all crying and bummed out like, “Oh my God, Bran, I’m gonna miss you so much.” And he’s literally just like -
So she gets pissed. Rightfully fucking so. But she’s like crying and yelling at him like -
But Bran’s just like -
CUT TO OUTSIDE WINTERFELL where our favorite little sociopath Arya is HERE.
But we can’t get too excited because these two fucking dumbasses won’t let her into the castle. She’s like, “Listen fuckers, I’m Arya” and they’re just like, “All right, sit here and wait” and then they start arguing like -
But they don’t know she’s a ninja so they’re shocked when they turn around and she’s disappeared into the crypts, where Sansa finds her and it’s just like -
And when they finally hug, there’s no like crazy orchestra swell or anything, it’s just this like lovely perfect moment of reunion and we’re all just like -
Except like, wouldn’t it be nice if they could just like sit down and talk about like, “Hey, what’s up? You look good, it’s been so long.” “I heard you married Tyrion.” “I heard you saw our brother’s head decapitated and replaced by a wolf.” But instead Arya like whips out her “I have a kill list card” right away and Sansa’s like -
and Arya’s like -
She does brighten up when she finds out Bran is home too, but Sansa’s just like -
But like, whatever, Arya still hugs it out with him and she’s like all emotional and crying while he’s staring at Sansa like -
Bran’s a little less creepy about his Raven Symone abilities with Arya, because he’s like, “You should have this dagger Littlefinger randomly gave me.” And Arya’s like, “Thanks, because I actually totally do have a kill-list.” And Sansa’s just like -
D-Baby and Michelle are talking about Barack like -
When J-Snow pops up and is like, “I wanna show you something.”
Turns out it’s just all the dragonglass. Which comes with a new musical theme which is two notes away from Jurassic Park.
Anyway, then he wants to show her something else -
But once again, it’s not his dick. It’s a bunch of cave paintings about how the Children of the Forest and the First Men bonded together to fight the White Walkers that J-Snow may or may not have made himself like ten minutes ago.
Well, at this point D-Baby is a swamp. And she and J-Snow keep getting closer and closer until finally you think she’s gonna finally just be like -
But instead she’s like, “Bend the knee.” Again. Except I think we all know before the end of this season she’s gonna be the one bending the knee, KNOWHAMSAYIN??
But I digress. P-Dinky is back, and he’s brought bad news. So instantly D-Baby is like -
To be continued…
… Because Brienne is still training Pod three seasons later and he still fucking blows. Like truly no progress… when Arya shows up and is like -
And Brienne’s just like -
And of course Sansa’s walking by with Littlefinger like, “Peas and carrots, peas and carrots, gotta have more grain.” So she sees Arya turning it on like -
Brienne’s like -
Sansa’s like -
And Littlefinger’s just like -
Davos is picking up Stannis’ grammar Nazi schtick.
And also being a total flirtstress with Michelle.
SHE IS TAKEN!!!
When suddenly, Theon pops up on shore.
Theon tries to play it off like, “Oh bro it’s so good to see you.” And J-Snow can’t kill him because he saved Sansa. So now Theon is just trying to get ships to save his sister, I guess. Except D-Baby is gone.
THE ROAD FROM HIGHGARDEN
The Oregon Trail continues, and we learn once again that Dickbag’s name is Dickbag. Presumably so Bronn can say what we’re all thinking.
But the dick jokes get cut short when Bronn hears something in the distance.
Indeed, there’s belting from afar that sounds like a mixture of Xena Warrior Princess and a Pink Floyd album. It’s the fucking Dothraki. And they’re all like -
And Jaime’s just like -
And the Lannisters are like trying to be chill and Jaime’s all -
But then. A massive roar from above. And from down on high - in one of the most chill-inducing moments in Thrones history - comes D-Baby looking like a fucking queen. And before Jaime can even be like -
D-Baby’s like, “Dracarys.”
Like boom goes the whole fucking Oregon Trail. And everyone’s on fire like -
But there’s NO TIME TO CHILL because the Dothraki come in like -
And then, it’s just crazy, just like blood, horses, belting, and D-Baby’s just FUCKING up the Oregon Trail like -
But Jaime is still going, like, “We just need arrows.” And so they try that with the dragon but of course he’s just like -
So, okay, Jaime sends Bronn to go get the big crossbow Dr. Frankenstein made, but then Jaime totally almost gets killed by this Dothraki dude and we’re all like -
But it’s okay, because Dickbag saves him! And Jaime’s like, “Thanks, Dickbag.”
But things don’t look so hot for Bronn who’s charging at this other Dothraki dude like -
but the Dothraki dude totally fucks his horse up like -
And then we really think it’s all over, because Bronn’s gold goes everywhere and it really seems like maybe he’ll try and get it and die doing so, but then he’s like, “Jaime -
And he bolts away from the gold, running through everyone like -
And Dothraki Dude finally corners him in what seems like a tent but GUESS WHAT? IT’S NOT A TENT it’s totally where the big crossbow thing is. And Dothraki Dude is like -
But Bronn is all -
And he’s all crossbow out, wind whipping through his hair, like trying to find the fucking dragon who has completely demolished the entirety of the Oregon Trail, as we see from P-Dinky’s point of view, because apparently he’s there watching. And the Dothraki Dude with him is like -
But I digress. Bronn is trying to hit the dragon but he misses and D-Baby’s just like -
So Bronn tries again. And let me tell you, for all the shit I gave this stupid fucking crossbow thing in this moment, I was like, “Well actually who knows where he’s gonna hit it? This might actually kill this thing!”
And lo and behold, it hits him, and Drogon’s like -
And Bronn’s smiling. And D-Baby’s devastated. And we’re all just like, “I DON’T KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR!” But lo. Drogon is not dead. And to prove it, he fucks up Dr. Frankenstein’s crossbow, just like -
And then D-Baby parks herself in the middle of the battlefield to perform impromptu spear removal on her baby. Jaime sees this and he’s like -
And P-Dinky is literally like -
And we’re all just like -
And he’s about to spear D-Baby. But without her even saying “Dracarys,” Drogon turns around like -
When somebody (Bronn?) dives out of nowhere and pushes Jaime out of the way, into water, where he’s just like -
BOOB COUNT: None BODY COUNT: Lots EPISODE GRADE: A
SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS
The Gold Company is brought up in the scene between the Iron Bank dude and Cersei. I know that these guys are in the fifth book and that they have something to do with the other Targaryen boy, but somebody may have to remind me more. My initial thought here though was perhaps Daario and the Second Sons will become hired by Cersei? I thought Daario was done, but maybe not?
The History of the Dagger: Somebody was sent to kill Bran in Season 1 with said dagger, but the attempt was botched and Catelyn took the knife to King’s Landing to investigate. Littlefinger revealed that it once belonged to him, but then went to Tyrion when he won it in a bet (this has been confirmed as a lie). From then, it fell into Ned’s hands and the last we saw it was with him (presumably Littlefinger had taken it after betraying him). Although Littlefinger is right that this knife ignited the War of the Five Kings, we still don’t know who sent the assassin in the first place. In the books, around Joffrey’s wedding both Jaime and Tyrion heavily suspect Joffrey hired him because he heard that Bran knew the truth about his parentage, but this is never confirmed either way and has always seemed a bit shaky.
Member Maester Luwin? Literally the best.
Arya asks, “Which Lady Stark?” Bitch, who else?
The moment with Brienne “keeping her vow” was actually pretty cool. She really barely did anything.
I don’t know if you know, but Jon saw the Night King.
Where on earth is Theon’s story going?
A very similar structure to my favorite episode, “Hardhome,” in that nobody saw that battle coming. But this really seemed to me the first battle since “Blackwater” where we were invested in both sides. There was a severe anxiety to not wanting any of the major characters to die. While it lacked the cinematic might of “Battle of the Bastards,” it was far more engaging on a character level.
Hiroshima-esque imagery cannot be good for where D-Baby is headed. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Varys and P-Dinky jump ship soon.
NEXT WEEK: Ravens, more dragons, and Varys is pissed.