haze club

I’m not sure if this has been done before, but Brian and Allison from Breakfast Club are definitely autistic. Brian has a special interest in math and science, poor fine motor skills (i.e. his bad performance in shop class), and difficulty understanding sarcasm (when Bender jokingly asks him if his mom married Mr. Rogers, he responds “no, she married Mr. Johnson.”) Allison is largely nonverbal, has trouble making friends, compulsively lies, possibly as a way of coping with stress, and may even have taste sensitivity (i.e. taking the baloney off her sandwich).

anonymous asked:

gonna need to hear Accent Rant Part II: Featuring** Draco Malfoy (**STARRING)

ACCENT RANT PART II: DRACO MALFOY AND OTHER ASSORTED UPPER CLASS TWITS OF THE YEAR 

so you know whenever you watch a film set in England any time between the 1880s and the 1930s there’s always that one posh cock who says something rude and classist and demoralising to The Hero™ while wearing a dinner jacket and everyone TITTERS into their champagne flutes and you know, as you stare murderously at his perfectly parted hair, that he’s going to get his Comeuppance SOMEHOW, even if you have to drag YOURSELF through the celluloid to PUNCH HIM ON HIS ARISTOCRATIC NOSE?

Draco Malfoy sounds like that guy. 

just for example: Benedict ‘bite it… you have to bite it’ Cumberbatch in Atonement, Rupert Everett in pretty much anything, Jude Law as Bosie in Wilde, Achievable Goals Please Jeff in Pride, the classically handsome but predictable shitty one in Kingsman: The Secret Service, Colin Firth in the 1995 Pride and Prejudice (some of these examples don’t fit the bill re: horrid rich dude in a movie, but all of them fit the bill re: horrid rich accent in a movie, so whatever, sorry about it, Colin), every single person in The Riot Club, Jason Isaacs in Peter Pan, JASON ISAACS IN HARRY POTTER, which I will bring up again IN A JIFFY, any Conservative politician in any film – not to mention a great swathe of Tory politicians in real life, but ESPECIALLY Boris Johnson. 

actually, Boris Johnson is probably the best example, mainly for entertaining Parallel Life reasons (PLUS someone actually wrote him as Draco’s uncle/Minister for Magic in a fic once, which I would have found absolutely hilarious if I hadn’t read it the week after Brexit) – him or David Cameron, though I do like to think that Draco Malfoy is more of an Alarmingly Blond, Deceptively Intelligent Career Politician Cultivates Reputation As Eccentric sort of person than a Fucks Dead Pig Mouths sort of person, but then Boris Johnson is at least partly responsible for Brexit, so which is worse, really?

A N Y W A Y, if Draco Malfoy wasn’t a wizard, he’d have gone to Eton, gone to Oxbridge, and then taken up his father’s seat in the House of Lords because you can fucking bet the Muggle Malfoys would be hereditary peers or whatever. he would have only shown up for the votes on, like, rich people taxes, and spent the rest of his time as a member of the Right Honourable the Lords Spiritual and Temporal of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland fucking about and driving all the Lib Dems absolutely crackers.*

*can I just say right now that my political knowledge is extremely lacking, so if this paragraph reads like gobbledegook that’s because it probs is. 

in fact, all the shit I said about Justin Finch-Fletchley’s non-magic AU life? that would be Draco Malfoy’s non-magic AU life, except, unlike Justin, the magical version of Draco Malfoy’s life doesn’t have him ironically located at the bottom of the wizarding and wizard high school hierarchy. Draco Malfoy is the direct wizarding equivalent of Justin Finch-Fletchley’s non-magic AU life. like, canonically. the Malfoys are so rich they don’t work, they have a big, old mansion in Wiltshire, they’re OBSESSED with their own ancestry, and Lucius Malfoy throws money at the government and subsequently has the Minister’s ear despite a) not working at the Ministry, b) having little-to-no background in politics at all, and c) being a pretty much proven baddy. 

and, I mean, if Draco Malfoy isn’t the sort of person who would join a prestigious university drinking club whose Join Our Prestigious University Drinking Club hazing involves burning a £50 note in front of a homeless person, then who would? The Bullingdon Club is basically Young Death Eaters Assoc. (for the record, Draco is the one who’d write the tell-all memoir years later when all his old club chums are in positions of power in the government, Theodore Nott would be the one who rattled a dead pig and then became Prime Minister. I would also like to issue an apology for ever implying that Justin Finch-Fletchley would stoop so low as to shag deceased livestock. he seems like a nice enough chap.) 

anyway. Draco Malfoy is these levels of posh, is what I’m saying. Eton-Oxbridge-Westminster posh. Monty Python’s Upper Class Twit of the Year posh. ALSO, all of this + unnaturally blond hair Draco Malfoy is Magic Boris Johnson. (or maybe Lucius Malfoy is Magic Boris Johnson, in which case Voldemort is Nigel Farage and the war is Brexit. I’m living an AU where Harry decided to stay dead and Voldemort won. ha ha.) 

so yes, posh voice like Boris Johnson.

which begs the question: in a film series in which a good 90% of the characters speak Received Pronunciation English with a Definitive Upper Class Lilt regardless of how they should sound according to the book or, like, the laws of school catchment areas, WHY does DRACO MALFOY not sound POSH ENOUGH? HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO DROP THE BALL ON THIS??? why does Hermione Granger, muggleborn daughter of – I assume – middle class dentists, sound like the fourth Crawley sister, while Draco ‘my father bought seven state-of-the-art, outrageously expensive broomsticks just so I, a 12-year-old, would be accepted onto my school house team’ Malfoy sounds like he’s hanging out in the food court of the Croydon Ikea?

don’t get me wrong, I love Tom Felton. Young Me was utterly enamoured by the slicked back hair and the smirking, and he will always have a place in my heart for being so delighted by Drarry and taking the Lauren Lopez thing so fantastically and for reblogging that gay wizard app tweet. BUT DRACO MALFOY ISN’T POSH ENOUGH. NONE OF THE YOUNG SLYTHERIN DEATH EATER SPAWN, I.E. FUTURE BULLINGDON CLUB WANKERS, ARE POSH ENOUGH. IT IS INCENSING. (I have theories about why, and by ‘theories’ I mean one single theory which is absolutely correct, to do with accent and class and stereotyping and blah blah not Harry Potter-related things blah.) 

at least they managed it for Lucius. Jason Isaac’s intense, hissy poshness gives me LIFE. every time he says anything CUTTING (or what is considered cutting by these PG films) I’m low key like ‘…yesss.’ there’s no way that a snakes-head-cane-concealing-weapon-wielding, ponytailed, hanging-out-at-Downing-Street-whispering-things-to-the-PM-even-though-I’m-independently-wealthy-and-have-no-business-here MOTHERFUCKER would let his ONLY SON AND HEIR sound like anything less than someone who’d been frogmarched to young adulthood by twelve governesses with a silver spoon lodged firmly in every orifice and given elocution lessons from BIRTH. I mean

the only person – THE ONLY PERSON – in the Slytherin Squad who doesn’t let me down is THE OG PANSY PARKO in Prisoner of Azkaban. she has one line and she absolutely nails it. the upper-class drawl. the tone of utter boredom. the way she makes ‘Draco’ seem like a perfectly natural name the way few of the other characters manage. I can hear it, in my head, clear as a bell, like she’s right here in my room with me. “Does it hurt terribly, Draco?” incredible. living art. give Genevieve Gaunt and her strangely on-point name fucking Oscar. she is the posh we need to see in Slytherin house! the posh to which all others should aspire!! why wasn’t Genevieve Gaunt and her all-girls-independent-boarding-school-sexy-ambiguously-gay-bully drawl cast as Draco Malfoy?!?!?!

it’s only now that I’ve gotten to the end of this long, Boris Johnson-centric tirade on Draco Malfoy’s poshness that I’ve realised his TRUE Muggle equivalent is Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh: incredibly posh, tactful as a brick, quite racist, which you can blame on upbringing, someone somewhere will eventually start a religious sect believing he’s a divine being. I mean… it’s obvious. Prince Draco. Draco Malfoybatten. it’s all making SENSE!

for the record: Sirius Black also has this accent. carry on.

Burlesque Dancer- Luke Hemmings SMUT

This is my first time posting my own story so please go easy on me. I may have made some minor mistakes, cause I type kind of sloppy. 

Description: The band go to the Burlesque club where you work and when Luke sees you dance he immediately has to have you!

Rated: Mature, very smutty, one visual but not very bad

It was regular old Friday night at the burlesque club you worked at and the usual crowd flooded the dining room. You peaked around the curtain, while your friend danced to an old jazz song, to check to see how many people you would be dancing for tonight. You had a new routine to show and you were slightly nervous about it since it would be your first striptease. Of course you wouldn’t really be stripping very much since you always kept your breasts and bikini area covered because although you dance, you’re still a bit shy and new to the whole dancing thing. After all you are only 18 and trying to pay your way through college.

The song ended and your co worker and close friend Alina picked up her top and feather boa and gracefully left the stage while the crowd applauded her. She was an amazing performer and somewhat of a mentor to you and since she had been dancing burlesque for 6 years.

You took a deep breath straightening out one of your stockings and walked out onto the unlit stage. The song you chose for your dance wasn’t really a traditional burlesque song but you chose it anyway. A red dim spotlight flashed onto you as Should I Stay or Should I Go by the Cooltrane Quartet began to play. As you started to dance and grind to the music you got completely lost in the smoke and haze of the old club. For your props on stage you had a large vintage arm chair. It was easy to grind against and sit and tease on. You had on a very small vintage babydoll dress on that was practically see through with a built in bra and small panties on underneath. You were cute-sexy and that was also why your nickname at the club was Honey. You were too sweet and innocent to have any other name like some of the other girls. Like Alina for instance, whose nickname was Desire.

Your dance continued and it was the time in the song where you got to pull someone onto stage and dance on them. Audience interaction was big with this club and all night you had been eyeing a pair of blue eyes through the smoke. They were glued to you the whole night but you couldn’t really make out the face of the owner.

You smoothly made your way down to the audience, stopping to grind against a wall or wink at someone on your way to the table where you saw the boy with the blue eyes. He was surrounded by a table of gentlemen who looked his age. You couldn’t get a good look anyway but he sure looked familiar. He had a button up shirt on with a tie luckily so you were able to grab his tie and seductively drag him back to the stage and on to the large arm chair while some people in the crowd whistled. He was very tall and handsome as you locked eyes with him and straddled him over the chair and ran your fingers through his hair. He also smelled very manly and he made a low growl as you tugged at the nape of his hair. You stood in front of him now and lifted up your nightgown teasing him and lifting a leg onto the chair to slowly roll your stockings down one at a time leaning in close to his lips and showing the audience your nightgown rising up showing your panties.

The song ended just as had made your way slowly down to your knees in front of him, your hands resting on his warm thighs. You had been so in the zone you had hardly noticed. It had almost been like it was just you and him up there and no one was watching. Your eyes never left his he entire time.

The applause roared and you quickly snapped out of it standing up and bowing. You had the young man stand up and you began to applaud him as well as he made his way down the stairs of the stage.

You had gathered up your things and you walked off stage and you began to shake as your nerves began to kick in and you laughed to yourself relieved that you hadn’t messed up. It was your first time bringing someone on stage with you and the other girls knew that and quickly surrounded you giving you hugs and pats on the back.

“You looked ethereal. It was unreal…” Alina looked at you with wide eyes.

Your shift was almost over now so you began to undress in the back and put on your skinny jeans, converse, and tank top on to go home. Just as you grabbed your purse and had almost clocked out one of the other girls, Julie, stopped you.

“Wait!” she yelled and you stopped before you punched your clock card.

“What?” You jumped.

“Miss Red wants you to stay a little bit later, a table requested you for a drink! They’re really really cute I think you should do it since it’s your first table request!” She smiled at me.

You checked the time and it was almost 1am now. You shrugged since you didn’t have work the next day anyhow and set your clock card back.

“What do I wear?” You asked.

“I’ll help you! We can give you an outfit like the waitresses wear, you know?” She smiled and dragged you back to the wardrobe room. She dressed you up in a tight black dress and some jewelry. She also reapplied your pale pink lipstick and put a bit more blush on your cheeks. You were one of the few girls who wore pink lipstick instead of red because of your good-girl image. You took one last glance into the mirror and fluffed up your curled hair.

“Okay so what do I have to do? Do I have to dance?” You asked.

“No you just sit and have a drink.” Julie laughed while she fixed her own makeup in the mirror.

“But I can’t drink yet” You said innocently.

“Honey they don’t know that.” She winked and gave your butt a friendly tap and walked away.

You then made your way out to the dining room where you found the table with the boy.

They all stopped their conversation as you approached them.

“Hi i’m Honey” You tried to say it as seductive and confident as possible but you wondered if they could tell how nervous you were.

“Hi Honey! Sit down please!” A crazy-haired Australian boy smiled and pulled out a chair next to the blue eyed boy. You sat down.

“What’re you drinking?” A darker haired male asked.

“Whatever you’re buying” You tried to play to cool.

The blue eyed boy poured you a glass of the red wine that was on the table.

You sat and chatted with them all as they introduced themselves to you and you learned that they were in a band. That’s where you recognized them from! You were talking to 5 Seconds of Summer! They were in town on tour and decided to have a night out away from work.

Suddenly you felt a warm hand rest on your thigh. The club had a no touch policy but a lot of men would bend the rules to touch you and the other girls. If you didn’t like it you would have them thrown out within seconds…but this boy you were unsure about.

acted as if he hadn’t done anything and barely looked at you until he gave you a subtle wink that the other boys didn’t notice.

“Let’s get out of here it’s getting pretty late and Ashton is very drunk.” Calum laughed and the guys stood up.

The club was closing in ten minutes anyway and you had been a bit tipsy so you thought you had better leave too.

“You’re not going to drive home are you?” Luke asked.

“I was going to call a cab” You smiled.

“I’ll drive you come on, the guys and I took two rental cars here. They won’t mind if I borrow one.” He smiled.

“Well I can’t say no to that” You smiled at him and told him you would meet him outside as soon as you grabbed your purse.

You walked back where a few girls were talking and giggling. They swarmed you as soon as they saw you and started to ask you who the boy was and if you were going home with him. You nodded and they all jumped around like school girls.

“You have to keep your outfit on. Come on i’ll put your clothes in your bag for you. Go clock out!” Your friend Julie ran off to grab your things.

You checked the mirror to see you were blushing HARD and you felt butterflies rioting in your stomach. After grabbing your things and clocking out you met Luke in the back as he got out of his car to open your door for you.

“What a gentleman” You smiled at him.

“Remember saying that later.” He grinned driving off. You gave him directions to your apartment. His hand was on your thigh the entire ride.

As soon as you two reached the door and you unlocked it he had you pinned against the wall. His hands slowly running up your thighs to push your dress up over your head. Leaving you in just your stockings, heels, and matching black bra and panties. He held your wrists above your head as he kissed your neck, biting and sucking on it causing you to cry out.

You moaned loudly and with his free hand he wrapped your one of your legs around his waist and you jumped up wrapping the other one around. He released your wrists and held underneath your bum and you tangled your hands into his hair tugging it.

“Bedroom?” He mumbled against your lips.

“To the right” You smiled into his lips and he carried you there occasionally bumping into a wall to which you both laughed. Finally reaching your room he threw you down onto the bed.

“God you’re so fucking sexy” His voice was a low growl as he crawled on top of you but only up to where he was kissing and biting your inner thighs. You were soaked and he knew it, rubbing against your panties making you arch your back at his hot touch.

He slowly pulled down your underwear and you loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, taking both off.

He bent down and began to suck and lick at your clit. Moaning against you setting vibrations throughout your body.

“Fuck I understand why they call you Honey. You’re so sweet” He licked in circles around your clit as he slid two fingers into your dripping pussy. Curling his fingers and pumping them in and out.

“Oh god Luke yes! Fuck!” You cried out whimpering and gasping.

“Come on Honey cum for me” He grinned, his cold lip ring was now warm and wet against you.

His fingers got faster and harder sending you into pure bliss as you cried out his name and arched your back off the bed and curled your toes.

“Your turn” You were panting as you pulled him up and flipped him over so he was lying on the bed now. You unbuttoned and pulled down his jeans so he was in his briefs. His erection was huge, at least 8 inches and you gasped at it giving him a confident boost and a blush. You pulled them down and you swore his erection got bigger. You bit and sucked from his neck all the way down his chest leaving small marks.

You got down to his hard on and licked a long stripe from his balls up to his tip causing him to shiver. You began to lick at his tip and rub your hand down his shaft until you finally took as much of him into your mouth as you could. You gagged a bit but you got used to it and picked up a steady rhythm. He moaned and held the back of your head pushing you farther down. You tasted his pre cum and swallowed it down moaning into him.

“Fuck” He let out a gasp, “Fuck me right now Honey” He moaned as he pulled you over him and began kissing you hard.

You sat up and lined him up with your entrance slowly sliding down onto him causing you to almost scream because he was so big. He hardly fit and you had to take some time to adjust.

Soon enough you were able to start grinding your hips and bouncing up and down while he grabbed your hips and pushed you down.

“Jesus fuck- you’re so tight” He was grinding his teeth from the intensity and pleasure.

“Oh god Luke i’m going to cum already!” You screamed as you released around him squirting simultaneously. You dripped down the sides of his hips and you blushed hard embarrassed. “Oh fuck Luke i’m sorry that’s never happened i’m sorry!” You said but he smiled widely.

“I’ve never made a girl do that before!” He said “That was so fucking amazing! Come here!” He pulled you close to himself again and began to kiss you which was a huge relief.

He flipped you over so you were under him and he began to pound into you fast but after a short period of missionary position and you coming once again, he grabbed your hips and turned you around onto your stomach.

“Get on all fours” He demanded and you did as you were told. With your ass in the air you bit your pillow trying not to be as loud but he felt too amazing and you couldn’t hold it in. He grabbed onto your bed post, knuckles turning white as he kept thrusting.

“Fuck fuck fuck i’m going to cum Honey fuck” His held flew back.

“Cum inside me baby i’m on the pill” You moaned as he scratched down your back and you both came together.

“FUCK!” You screamed arching your back causing him to moan louder as he came inside of you.

After catching both of your breathes you both collapsed onto the bed still panting slightly.

“Y/N” You said.

“What?” He asked.

“That’s my real name. Honey is just a stage name.” You laughed.

“It’s beautiful but I gotta say Honey really suits you” He smiled and leaned on his side to look at you.

“Aren’t the guys going to wonder where you are?” You leaned on your side to face him.

“Guess they’ll have to worry until the morning” He smirked. “Cause i’m not finished with you yet”

Your eyes got wide as he grabbed you pulling you in tight and kissing you again.

It was going to be a long night… pun intended.

Hikaru no Go

Fanfic idea: Hikaru had just finish winning his first title match, when his life changes dramatically. He gets hit by a bus, at the age of 25, and doesn’t pull through. However instead of dieing Hikaru wakes to find himself once again a child. Seeing the new chance for it it is he embarks on a mission to not fail Sai again.

Fanfic elements :
*Hikaru wakes to find himself in his twelve year old body in front of a computer. He is shocked to find a panicking Sai behind him as he had fainted without warning in the middle of a Net Go game.
* Upon realizing the time frame Hikaru starts to plan a way to keep Sai from dissappearing. He has a time limit his scared to reach and swears to never play again if it means losing Sai.
*He vows to not become a pro until after the time limit that way he can keep Sai longer and not deny Sai the right to play powerful players.
*Akira becomes a pro and Hikaru decided that he wouldn’t want to lose one of his closes friends so he starts visting the boy and inviting him out every once in a while. Akira is excited to finally have a friend.
*That doesn’t stop Akira from demanding a game however and Hikaru gladly let’s him play Sai.
*Hikaru continues his studies and even joins the Haze school go club. He doesn’t expect it to be a huge hit but seeing as he still considered a “popular kid” by his classmates unlike the original time line more students join out of curiosity.
*He allows Sai to continue his rule over Net Go not realizing that his ghostly friend grabs the attention of the Pros who play. He only knows Ogata’s username so other then him acepts all challenges.
*Sai eventually catchs on to Hikaru’s sudden more mature behavior and demands a explanation. Hikaru holds it off for a while but in the end comes clean.
*Sai is horrified to find out that he is the reason Hikaru stop playing. He then demands that Hikaru gets a chance to play as well and rufuses to play himself until Hikaru agrees.
*Even though Hikaru denies it he truly misses playing so the next time him and Akira hang out he plays as himself.
*Akira is angry at him for playing around until he realizes Hikaru is actually constructing instead of staring with glazed eyes at the board like the times he plays for Sai. He comes to the conclusion Hikaru has multipersonality disorder.
*Hikaru has moments where his body reacts like it’s twelve year old self and others where he is his twenty-five mental self. He is unsure why that is but learns to deal with it. Akira future believes his right at those times and decides to have his friend test for it.
*Hikaru is unaware of Akira’s assumation so his friends gente “help” goes over his head even though he went with Akira to see a professional. He belives he was there for the green hair boy.
*After a while he gets caught playing as Sai by Waya who was in the computer cafe by chance. He is terrible at lying and it’s Akira that saves the day. Now Waya belives that the great “Saint of Net Go” isn’t a pro because of his disorder. He tries his best to convince Hikaru that it isn’t a reason to not take the exam.
*Sai is trying to convince Hikaru to go pro like in his old life and Hikaru is determined to only do it if Sai plays all games. Sai is both honored and fustrated by this seeing as he wants to play but doesn’t want to steal Go from Hikaru.