have you seen my wife

  • *in the lab*
  • Sherlock: *sitting at the microscope*
  • Pathologist: *watching Molly*
  • Pathologist: *nudges Sherlock; whispering* Wow, she's really cute...isn't she?
  • Sherlock: *working* Mmm *frowns* Who?
  • Pathologist: *nods at Molly* Doctor Holmes.
  • Sherlock: *smiles* Ahh.
  • Pathologist: *nonchalant* Do you know if she's single?
  • Sherlock: Ummm...
  • Pathologist: *ogling Molly's arse; distracted* Do you know or not?
  • Sherlock: I don't think you should waste your time *sees Molly moving closer* She's far too beautiful for you.
  • Pathologist: ...
  • Molly: *ruffles Sherlock's hair as she passes* Someone wants sex tonight.
  • Sherlock: *to her colleague; smug* I'm someone *shows his wedding ring* Sherlock Holmes, the husband.
  • Pathologist: ...
  • Pathologist: *flees*
  • Molly: *confused* What was that about?
  • Sherlock: *quickly* No idea. Lunch? *holds out his hand*
  • Molly: *holds his hand, grinning* Starving. But then, I am eating for two.

anonymous asked:

Andy hosting: So my WIFE right guys? Anyway, my wife and I. Where is my wife? There she is. Look at my wife. Have you seen my wife? Andy Black tour, Andy Black. My tour. The cage of my ribcage. Prime writing. I'm a star. I get tears when I hear it. Ground breaking. I'm special. What? What is this...Beee Vee Beee?? Black...Veil...what?? No, never heard of them. Moving back to my vegan wife and the cult we worshi- I mean...

Drag his ass lol 

Mini Fic: You Look Beautiful Today

A/N: hey weirdos. I had a dream this morning that this happened and i was married to Beca, not Chloe. But no one wants to read about me and Beca Mitchell. Plus our ship name would be Meca or Borgan and that’s just not as fun. ANYWHO. Here you go, have some Christmas fluff. Domestic Chloe is basically like my own personal narcotic.

“Hey Chlo? Have you seen my travel toiletries thing?” Beca called to her wife who was sat on their giant ass bed (which Chloe insisted they didn’t need considering they’re usually so close they only take up a third of it) from their en suite bathroom.

“Check under the sink, in the back.” Chloe mumbled back, too enthralled in the book she was reading.

Beca had to fly to New York for two weeks for promotion of her new album. Chloe was in her third trimester so she couldn’t fly, besides she had one more week of classes to teach- so if she wanted to go, she couldn’t either way.

Since they’d gotten married two years prior, the longest they’d ever spent apart was four nights, five days.

Beca threw the last item in her suitcase, zipped it shut, and then crawled in to bed next to her favorite red head. She curled up next to her, not making any eye contact, and rested her chin on Chloe’s shoulder. “Whatcha readin?”

“A book.”

“Uh huh. Yeah but which one?”

Chloe closed her book and placed it in her lap letting out a heavy sigh, seeing as she wasn’t going to continue reading her book tonight. “Bec-”

Beca cut her off before turning to face her. “Look. I know you’re bummed. I know we’ve never spent this long apart and I know you’re upset you can’t go with me this time.” Beca softened her voice and placed both hands on her wife’s belly. “But this time around, you two just gotta stay. So, it’d be really cool and sweet and nice of you,” her demeanor softened, as it always did when she got mushy, “if you could just be my wife and not my enemy tonight and just sit here and cuddle with me and tell me about your day.” Beca dragged Chloe’s chin to face her, “That’s all I want.”

Chloe let out a breath. “Tommy ate more paste today after I told him not to. Again.” referring to the same student in her class who insists on eating paste whenever they do anything remotely crafty. This time they were making Christmas decorations for their classroom. “The little shit grabbed the bottle and squirted it right into his mouth.” She face-palmed and made a grossed out sound. Beca chuckled lightly while moving to climb behind her wife.

“I wonder if he knows what that’ll do to him when he’s older.” she started to rub Chloe’s shoulders. Their nightly routine had become back rubs and tummy talk ever since they found out Chloe was pregnant.

“I mean it has to be somewhat detrimental to his health, but I honestly don’t know what eating glue does to you.”

“You could always just tell him something super dramatic. Like it’ll glue is stomach shut and he won’t be able to eat anymore or some crazy shit.” they both laughed. “Beca I can’t tell him that. He’s seven, he’ll go home to his parents hysterical and I’ll probably get shamed in the teachers lounge.”

“But that means you can leave during your lunch hour and come eat with me every day instead. See, all part of my master plan.” she kissed the top of her head.

They both ended up drifting silently to sleep an hour later, dreading waking up in the morning knowing it meant they had to take Beca to the airport. She wouldn’t be back until four days before Christmas.

——————————————————————————————-

They had both been quiet all morning. Getting ready in silence, getting in the car in silence, they didn’t even play music on the drive. Chloe pulled up to the departures lane and put the car in park, already starting to cry. Beca looked over at her and threw a hand on her arm. “Hey hey shhh.” she unbuckled and placed a long soft kiss on her wife’s temple. “Help me get my bags out?” To which Chloe just sniffled and nodded. They removed her bags from the trunk and met each other on the sidewalk, Chloe avoiding eye contact still.

Beca wheeled both of her suitcases around so they were facing the same direction. Chloe was crying, but you couldn’t hear anything. They just stood there facing each other and Beca made the first move. She walked towards her wife, and got down to talk to their unborn daughter. “You gotta take it easy on your mom for me, kay? She’s a basket case and it’s kind of all your fault.” she heard Chloe laugh lightly, a good sign. “I love you, sweet pea.” and she kissed her wife’s stomach lightly before standing back up.

Chloe was a mess, again. Shocker.

Beca’s eyes started to tear up. “ugh. Come ‘re” The brunette pulled Chloe in and wrapper her arms around her shoulders. Chloe was now audibly sobbing into Beca’s shoulder. “Shhh shhh.” Beca crying now as she was rubbing circles on her wife’s back with one hand and her fingers through her hair with the other. “It’s only fourteen days, Chlo. We can do it.”

Chloe pulled away and Beca was wiping the tears from under her eyes, not breaking contact with the redhead. “I know we can do it.” she let out a heavy sigh, puffing her cheeks out, “I just don’t want to.”

Beca frowned. “I know.” as she rubbed her wife’s arms. Her phone beeped, signaling it was time to go. “You know I love you, and that I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t have to, right?” To which Chloe only nodded and started crying again. Beca pulled her back in for one last tight hug. “God, I love you so much Chlo,” whispered into her wife’s ear. She smiled lightly when she heard Chloe mumble “love you more” into her hair. They stood there for a few more seconds before Beca knew she had to pull away. She let go of Chloe and turned to her bags, “bye babe.” Chloe didn’t let go of her hand until she was too far away to hold it anymore.

Beca got to the automatic doors and turned to look back at her girl. She stopped in her tracks, dropped her bags and sprinted back to Chloe. “Forget something Mitchell?” Chloe smirked while she grabbed her wife’s face by the cheeks and pulled her in for a strong kiss before pulling away. “love you. Now go, or you’ll miss your flight.” Beca just nodded and turned the opposite direction as Chloe slapped her ass, the brunette responded with a wink before running back to her bags.

As Chloe returned to their house, pulling the car into the garage, her phone buzzed.

Babes 9:07am: getting ready to take off. miss you guys already xo

Chloe 9:08am: we miss you more. call me when you land. love you.

The next two weeks were the longest of her entire life, to say the least. They talked every second they could, FaceTimed every night before Beca went to bed, and tried to plan their days around each other. Beca was due home in three days, and it was killing Chloe. She wishes she could just be home now. Not in three days, not even in two. Now.

She was wandering around Barnes & Noble, picking up some last minute Christmas presents when she heard her phone ring. She looked at her watch, it was only 4:00, Beca wouldn’t be available to talk for another two hours according to the schedule she left her. She looked at her phone, it was flashing the caller ID picture of the two of them laughing in bed a few years ago- one of Beca’s favorite pictures. She’s the one that set it as her contact picture.

“Hey you. whatcha up to?” she could hear Beca smiling through the phone, it made her stomach flip.

“Last minute Christmas shopping, what are you doing? I thought you had interviews all day?” Chloe said as she walked up to the register to check out.

“Yeah I did. Got most of them done this morning, and then I had a few minutes until my next so I figured I’d call ya. How’s shopping?”

“Good. You’re finished, Aubrey and Jesse are both finished, just have to grab stuff for my mom and I’m done.” Chloe said as she thanked the cashier and headed toward the doors to exit.

“Oh nice. Hey Chlo, I got a question for ya.”

Chloe walked out the doors with her phone in one hand and her bags in the other. “What’s up?”

“Have I told you how beautiful you look today?”

“Wha-” she looked up, and there stood a smirking like an idiot Beca leaned up against her car. She didn’t even hang up the phone before the brunette was sprinting towards her. Tears filled both of their eyes. “You jackass! You weren’t supposed to be home until Friday!” she yelled as her wife pulled her in for a bone crushing hug.

“I canceled the rest of them. New York won’t miss me. Did you honestly think I could spend another second without you? Honestly, Chloe. I thought you knew me better.” she smirked as she pulled back.

“Shut up and kiss me, asshole.” and with that their lips met, each smiling into the kiss. Beca was the first to pull back.

“Hey babe. You look beautiful today.”

Chloe rolled her eyes and threw herself at her wife, winding her arms around her neck and pulling her in for another kiss. Beca mumbled through pecks.

“So… what’d ya buy me?”

anonymous asked:

who are some MUST follows in your opinion?

IM GLAD YOU ASKED (i’ll try my best to keep it short ok i promise)
my mains, whom i would die without: 
@ravehclaw yaz is the love of my life, my partner in crime, my wife, and she never complains no matter how many memes i send her. i literally love her so much. she’s so #relatable and i die every time she makes an edit or writes anything. literally a goddess. 
@oliverswood (on mini-hiatus) chandler owns my ass. literally the sweetest and kindest. also extremely badass. SO APPROACHABLE ITS UNBELIEVABLE. I LOVE HIM. also have you seen his blog???? fucking. magnificent wow.
@emmelinevvance adiba, also my wife, quite possibly the baddest bitch on this entire website. everything she does (WHICH IS A LOT) is a+ and she’s clearly a fucking amazing leader. will take over the world in the next 15 years just watch
@aliciavspinnet @fjrebolt @nargles @owvlery @pctter @prongsno @jilys @pcctters @tragedys @julietcapulct @constellationddraco @mytholgie @chovchang @parqinson @bauqelaire @abrcxasmalfoy @oyprongs @jamesstruttingpotter @herhmione @hiddenpolkadots @fleurrdelacour​ @prongsyouignoramus  @lilyevians @howlingremus @dementvr @oblviqte @dailyprophet @slughcrn @asterilas @asteriaria @narcsisa @potterful​ 

okay that’s plenty, i think. +blogroll

  • nina dobrev at the TCAs: ... and thank you for coming along with me on this amazing journey!
  • ian somerhalder, if he could: YEAH! it's so sad to see nina go but i'm MARRIED, i'm gonna miss her on set but i'm married to nikki reed, please support isf but oh, one more thing
  • ian somerhalder: i'm married to nikki reed
  • ian somerhalder: have you seen my wife nikki reed babe come up to the stage

After they’re married Shiro takes literally every opportunity to refer Katie as his wife.

“Have you seen my wife?”
“That’s my wife!”
“You’re my wife, I love you.”
Etc.

Katie says it’s annoying but she secretly loves it.

koopakoot  asked:

have you seen take my wife? i haven't watched it but it's about a stand up comic couple that's married irl too

i havent but i want to! sober thohgfh becaus eits probably Good. also its not netxlix so yanno

Imagine Kylo Ren like one of those husbands that shows off Rey like Will Smith, basically bragging that she married him in front of the entire First Order. “Have you seen my wife? Look at how perfect she is. Strong with the Force and beautiful. Did I mention she’s my wife?”

Omg now someones gotta draw this picture with Reylo.

NT Moments - Castles
  • INTP and ENTJ walking around Prague castle.
  • INTP: Let me google something.
  • ENTJ: What?
  • INTP: "How did people find each other in big castles?"
  • ENTJ: Haha. Some guy would go to some part of the castle and ask "Hey, have you seen my wife?" "Yea, I saw her a week ago. She went that way."

Reasons why Kimmi Kappenberg has a shot at winning:

  • Kimmi is socially likable — we didn’t see much because the editing of this season mainly focused on Jeremy and Kelley, but Kimmi does have good social game. Nobody has a bad thing to say about her in the game or at ponderosa. Her and Kelly were tight, Stephen and her were tight (have you seen them on twitter??? “my island wife” “my island husband”!!!). If she’s tight with them, they might get people on the jury on board the Kimmi train — Savage and Joe might vote for her if Kelly suggests it since they’re tight with her.
  • She was really cunning this season! Yes, she voted out Monica and I know people are sad about that, but she lead that blindside and was the reason Kelly and Spencer were spared. And you know what other vote out she lead? She lead Joe’s. Don’t believe me? It was HER who suggested that the remaining girls team-up and take out Joe. And even if Jeremy or Spencer didn’t vote for him, he still would have gone because of Keith’s random vote. So Ms. Kimmi Kappenberg killed the Golden Boy my friends. That wins her major brownie points okay. Everyone wanted to kill the Golden Boy. If she mentions this during FTC she could end up swaying votes her way.
  • She adapted better than all the other old-schoolers (barring Terry Deitz, poor Terry!). She’s been doing better than most of the new-schoolers too! Some superfans and people who made it further in their respective games didn’t outlast her! She’s good at adapting! How is that not admirable?
  • She’s more perceptive than Tasha (and maybe even Spencer and Jeremy). Have you seen her secret scenes on CBS? She knows Kelley is not a “goat” like the others think. Kelley’s been making some raw moves, and Kimmi respects her and really wants to work with her BUT TASHA KEEPS MESSING IT UP BY RUNNING BACK TO SPENCER AND JEREMY. She didn’t want to vote out Abi when Keith is still a challenge threat, but she HAD to because the others would boot her if they thought she was making her own moves!
  • She never betrayed any of her post-merge allies. In a game like Survivor alliances are really important but when you plan to cut them loose you better hope you didn’t make a pact to get to the end with them or make any promises of loyalty. Stephen-Kimmi-Jeremy-Tasha-Spencer were pretty much a core alliance trying to make it to the final five. Tasha tried to fuck over Stephen, and Spencer DID fuck over Stephen, while Kimmi and Jeremy stayed true to Stephen. If Jeremy doesn’t make it to the end and Spencer does, Kimmi can totally play up her loyalty which is something Stephen and Jeremy value.
  • Kimmi didn’t have any immunity or advantages! She managed to make it to the end without any protection! All she had was her wits and allies that she decided to align with who could turn on her any day now! And yet she’s still there!
  • She outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted fourteen other people. The fact she’s even in the final six means she’s doing something right. It means she is a threat. If she makes it to the final four or three, then she earned her spot. She is not a “goat”. She’s not a pawn. She’s a survivor with a shot at winning. There have been players that were seen as “goats” or unimpressive compared to the other finalists — and they’ve won! Danni Boatwright, Vecepia Towery, Natalie White, Amber Brkich, even Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine! So don’t count her out of the running yet!

So yeah, that’s why I think Kimmi could have a chance at winning if she gets to the end. Truthfully I like all the finalists and I’d be happy no matter what, but I love Kimmi okay. She’s so sweet and I think it would be such an amazing comeback for her. Please love her like I do and see that she’s not a bad player. <3