i rly dont like being told im brave or emotionally strong or anything like that
bc what it really is is that im jaded and hardened. i cant just, relax. im constantly Ready and aware of everything around me Just In Case. its really not fun. people will tell me that they cry so often or get too invested in things and god do i wish i could do that.
i wish i could force my brain to just……. stop. its not fun having to learn how to manipulate people for safety (or what i considered “safety” at the time). its not fun to become a compulsive
liar. its not fun to have most of my initial thoughts be angry and accusatory. i dont like that i cant trust my partners intrinsically. i dont like that i cant trust ANYBODY and keep dirt on my friends in my head in case i get hurt again. i hate that the only emotions i truly feel like i FEEL are anger, skepticism, and paranoia. i hate that i dont even know whats wrong with me or if im just making shit up.
i dont want to be strong if being strong meant periods of childhood sexual abuse, being repeatedly physically hurt and almost blinded by other kids who convinced me we were friends, being coerced by adults into relationships, being harassed for being trans, and constantly being indirectly told that what i feel inside are telltale signs of abusers.
i learned how to cry quietly to avoid attention in pre-school. i learned how to hide my feelings after being sexually abused multiple times a week for a summer when i was 10. i learned how to be a good and eventually compulsive liar in high school to help cover my memory issues and dissociation. i learned to finally stop trusting people wholeheartedly after being coerced into a 3 year relationship with an adult at 15. i learned how to survive because my brain thinks the world is out to get me.
idk what i rly wanna say with this, but im told it a lot. brave or strong or whatever. i dont feel strong, i feel like a fragile 10 yr old scared to tell my parents what happened to me because i thought id get punished for it. that 10 yr old is inside of a scared 15 yr old that tried to say no to the advances of a man almost 4 years older than me. that 15 yr old is inside of an angry 17 yr old that became the first openly trans student at their high school. that 17 yr old is inside of a hardened 18 yr old who finally cut ties with the adult they tried to say no to at 15; the same year they dropped out of college because of untreated and undiagnosed mental health issues. that 18 year old is inside of this current emotionally deadened 21 year old who has moved away from their parents, gotten diagnosed with OCD after living with it for most of their life, and started working a full time job. underneath all of that is still a scared fucking child who got pushed around and hurt for reasons they didnt understand. i dont feel like a strong, brave adult. i feel like a kid that never got to grow up and has just grown layers on top of layers to protect them from getting hurt again. i dont feel much different inside when i was 10. the hurt still feels fresh, but i cant remember much besides vivid snapshots. those feelings inside get lessened and hardened the higher those layers climb and its suffocating. i dont know what i am. i just know the things i have to do to survive. i dont have a chance to relax, i dont have a chance not to run through scenarios hundreds of times in my head to figure out what could possibly go wrong. i dont have a chance to fucking trust people.
im very much venting and rambling but i just want to be able to
i dont know whats wrong with me, if its related to adhd or ocd or anxiety at all, and i dont feel like anyone should want to be like me. i do everything i can to make sure people dont have to feel the way i do. im sorting out my ocd at the moment and thats fuckin hard. but i guess healing is about doing stuff thats hard. but its rly difficult for me to tell the difference between healing and hardening.
tl;dr: im sad and compulsively isolate myself and am at my core a bad and explosively angry person. and dont call me brave or strong please.