have fun and learn!

i rly dont like being told im brave or emotionally strong or anything like that
bc what it really is is that im jaded and hardened. i cant just, relax. im constantly Ready and aware of everything around me Just In Case. its really not fun. people will tell me that they cry so often or get too invested in things and god do i wish i could do that.
i wish i could force my brain to just……. stop. its not fun having to learn how to manipulate people for safety (or what i considered “safety” at the time). its not fun to become a compulsive
liar. its not fun to have most of my initial thoughts be angry and accusatory. i dont like that i cant trust my partners intrinsically. i dont like that i cant trust ANYBODY and keep dirt on my friends in my head in case i get hurt again. i hate that the only emotions i truly feel like i FEEL are anger, skepticism, and paranoia. i hate that i dont even know whats wrong with me or if im just making shit up.
i dont want to be strong if being strong meant periods of childhood sexual abuse, being repeatedly physically hurt and almost blinded by other kids who convinced me we were friends, being coerced by adults into relationships, being harassed for being trans, and constantly being indirectly told that what i feel inside are telltale signs of abusers.
i learned how to cry quietly to avoid attention in pre-school. i learned how to hide my feelings after being sexually abused multiple times a week for a summer when i was 10. i learned how to be a good and eventually compulsive liar in high school to help cover my memory issues and dissociation. i learned to finally stop trusting people wholeheartedly after being coerced into a 3 year relationship with an adult at 15. i learned how to survive because my brain thinks the world is out to get me.
idk what i rly wanna say with this, but im told it a lot. brave or strong or whatever. i dont feel strong, i feel like a fragile 10 yr old scared to tell my parents what happened to me because i thought id get punished for it. that 10 yr old is inside of a scared 15 yr old that tried to say no to the advances of a man almost 4 years older than me. that 15 yr old is inside of an angry 17 yr old that became the first openly trans student at their high school. that 17 yr old is inside of a hardened 18 yr old who finally cut ties with the adult they tried to say no to at 15; the same year they dropped out of college because of untreated and undiagnosed mental health issues. that 18 year old is inside of this current emotionally deadened 21 year old who has moved away from their parents, gotten diagnosed with OCD after living with it for most of their life, and started working a full time job. underneath all of that is still a scared fucking child who got pushed around and hurt for reasons they didnt understand. i dont feel like a strong, brave adult. i feel like a kid that never got to grow up and has just grown layers on top of layers to protect them from getting hurt again. i dont feel much different inside when i was 10. the hurt still feels fresh, but i cant remember much besides vivid snapshots. those feelings inside get lessened and hardened the higher those layers climb and its suffocating. i dont know what i am. i just know the things i have to do to survive. i dont have a chance to relax, i dont have a chance not to run through scenarios hundreds of times in my head to figure out what could possibly go wrong. i dont have a chance to fucking trust people.
im very much venting and rambling but i just want to be able to
relax. yknow?
i dont know whats wrong with me, if its related to adhd or ocd or anxiety at all, and i dont feel like anyone should want to be like me. i do everything i can to make sure people dont have to feel the way i do. im sorting out my ocd at the moment and thats fuckin hard. but i guess healing is about doing stuff thats hard. but its rly difficult for me to tell the difference between healing and hardening.

tl;dr: im sad and compulsively isolate myself and am at my core a bad and explosively angry person. and dont call me brave or strong please.

anonymous asked:

You're legit goals tbh. My dream is to be able to speak every language and travel the world. I can only speak two as of now though. English and a bit of German.

Ah yes!!! German is such a great language I hope you have fun learning it!! I think languages are so great !! ✨✨

i think a big thing that disconcerts adults about learning new skills is that learning as an adult means you are very aware of how bad you are at the beginning in a way children aren’t.

i picked up the saxophone when i was 11 and played until i was about 17. by the end of it i was first chair in our highest ensemble, a district honor band player, etc. but at the beginning – and this is important – i was bad. for the first year or so, i had no rhythm, i couldn’t make my tongue line up with my fingers, i was consistently sharp, etc. etc. other kids actually made fun of me for my lack of skill.

but 11 year old me didn’t care. 11 year old me practiced, but she also thought that being able to play the pink panther made her incredible (i shudder in retrospect). i mean, i was aware i wasn’t a master, but my skill level didn’t deter me from wailing out those notes in a way that i’m sure had my band director questioning his career decisions.

right now, i’m trying to pick up the guitar. it’s a very different instrument from the saxophone, and i struggle a lot with things like strumming patterns and barre chords. and sometimes i don’t want to play, because i know i’m bad at guitar. and sometimes i beat myself up when stumbling through a poor acoustic rendition of Everybody Wants to Rule the World because it’s not how i want it to sound. and it’s made even more frustrating because i can navigate the saxophone so smoothly.

but then i remember that i have to think like a kid. i might not be the best at guitar by any stretch of the imagination, but every little bit of progress is still progress. humility is a big part of learning, but if you treat a practice session like your own private concert, it becomes so much more fun, even if you’re bad like i am.  when you’re first picking up a skill, whether it be an instrument, or a language, or a fine art, no one is expecting you to be the yo yo ma of that thing. forget about how little you know about the skill and think instead about how much you have to learn – that’s fun! do your best!!

❀ flowery asks ❀

azalea : what’s one word that describes you ?
baby’s breath : what did you want to be when you were a kid ?
begonia : are you a messy or clean person ?
bleeding heart : has your heart ever been broken ?
bluebell : do you drink tea or coffee ?
buttercup : what are five things that make you apologetically happy ?
calla : what’s your favorite book ?
carnation : what are your five most played songs ?
chrysanthemum : what are you afraid of ?
daffodil : what’s your astrological sign ?
dahlia : what’s your favorite band ?
daisy : which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most ?
dandelion : are you an extrovert or an introvert ?
geranium : how has your day been ?
hydrangea : what’s your dream job ?
iris : who’s your celebrity crush ?
lavender : what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received ?
lily : what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of ?
marigold : what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?
moonflower : who inspires you ?
morning glory : are you an early bird or a night owl ?
orchid : what’s the last movie you saw ?
pansy : do you believe in love at first sight ?
peony : what does your url mean ?
periwinkle : what are you thankful for ?
petunia : where were you ten years ago ?
poinsettia : where would you like to be in ten years ?
poppy : what’s your online persona ?
primrose : if you could share one message with the world, what would it be ?
rose : who’s the last person you spent quality time with ?
snapdragon : what are your goals ?
sunflower : what’s your favorite quote ?
tulip : if you had three wishes, what would you wish for ?
violet : what’s one thing most people don’t know about you ?
zinnia : do you believe in magic ?

Hello everyone, it is friday and I would like to share this small section of a drawing that contains a friendly bee who is sunbathing

thank you xox

Alistair Theirin - Watercolor painting 

(on a 9x12 300gsm Arches cold-pressed watercolor paper, using Daniel Smith watercolors - thank you so much to my followers for donating me all these wonderful art supplies through Amazon!)

You can’t really see it on the photo, but I used Daniel Smith Amethyst genuine as underpaint and background, the painting has very subtle shimmer of sparkles to it, like tiny amethyst dust. 

we’ve always taken shelter in our unhelpable pride

Half a birthday present for @irrevocably-delicious and half self indulgent fanart. Thats right! I took some time off drawing ice skating boys to draw some ice skating boys.

Sorry I was a little late my dude, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

headcanon where lance breaks down.

everyone was joking and making fun. and he knew deep down they didn’t quite understand. didn’t quite understand how hurt he was able to get. he wasn’t brave like hunk. he knew that. he wasn’t able to not mind comments like keith. he  wasn’t super smart like pidge. he didn’t show command and he wasn’t steady like his hero, shiro. he was aware of that.

so he goes to the training deck when no one else is awake. he goes to the stars and looks at them, trying to figure out some type of pattern that could help them. he learns altaen when everyone else is having fun. everyone thinks he’s just inside his room, relaxing, doing absolutely nothing.

lance tries to find something that will make him indispensable. he stops sleeping for days at a time. he stops going to breakfast. people like him don’t deserve to eat or sleep. only people who actually have something to the table do. he practically lives by this rule.

one day, he collapses under the pressure he puts in himself. no one else is aware of it. until coran comes in. he had noticed that lately the boy has been off. he noticed that someone has been using the training deck because they had logs.

he walks in to lance having a panic attack. he takes the boy in his arms and tries to calm him down, which is slowly working. he’s not used to comforting the humans, but he figures it’s the same as comforting the small child. in this moment, he whispers, “you’re like the son i lost.”

  • what he says: I'm fine.
  • What he means: haruhi fujioka went and entire anime without ever succumbing the classic female-character-in-anime-traps. her personal arc never centers around the men in her life, but rather on her personal growth. her main flaw isn't that she works too hard, or overshadows the boys, or is bitchy. her main flaw is a disconnection from humanity and her desire to take the world's burdens on her shoulders. her mother's death at a young age left her with the belief that she had to be responsible and strong before all else, leaving her to distance herself from the people she cared about and making her miss out on the fun things about her life (a classic inversion or the western 'you're the man of the house now' trope). in meeting the host club haruhi is placed into a strange and often wonder-land esque world (highlighted more in later episodes) where she learns to connect with others and to let herself enjoy life, while staying responsible. haruhi's studies never suffer and she is never made to feel like she can do anything less then what she set out to do, but she learns to have fun with life to, that she can just be a kid a still work towards all her goals, and in the end chasing after tamaki and telling him she wanted to stay in the host club and that all of them loved doing it, brings her arc full circle, and allows her to choose the friends she's made and show she's learned to care about them, without compelling her to make a choice between them and her career. in many ways the core message of haruhi's story is that it is entirely possible to have everything you want without giving anything or anyone in your life up, and haruhi didn't have to make a choice between her family of choice and the goals she felt she had to fulfill to make her mother proud of her.
Big Ol’ Honkin’ OC Question List-- Long Post Ahead!

  Alright, here we go– I put together a list of questions about OCs that you can reblog and have people send in asks for you! I set it up so you can be like, “A3″, “D2″, et cetera… Keep checking in here to the original post in case I add some more to the list! In the meantime, I hope y’all have some fun with this and maybe use it to learn a little bit more about your OCs or get to share things about them!!

A. Psychology

  1. What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…
  2. What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera…
  3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? 
  4. Are they a pessimist or an optimist? 
  5. Are they good at handling change in their life?
  6. Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”
  7. Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted?
  8. Is your OC a martyr?
  9. Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others? 
  10. Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily?
  11. Does your OC put others’ needs before their own?
  12. Does your OC have any addictions? If so and problematic, have they admitted it to themselves? 
  13. Does your OC have any phobias? If so, where did they come from?
  14. Is your character empathetic?
  15. Is your character observant?
  16. Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first?
  17. What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?
  18. Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do?
  19. What instantly irritates them or puts them in a bad mood?
  20. Are they harsh on themselves?
  21. Do they make excuses often?
  22. Is your OC intended to be found generally attractive? Unattractive? Average? Is there a reason why?
  23. Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it?
  24. What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it?

B. Social

  1. Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?
  2. Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly?
  3. Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera?
  4. Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip?
  5. Do they hold doors open for people?
  6. Would your OC let someone ahead of them in line if your OC had a big cart and the person behind them had very few items?
  7. How do they respond to babies crying in public?
  8. Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny?
  9. What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM…
  10. Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t?
  11. Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late?
  12. Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do?
  13. Do they have a large or small group of friends?
  14. Do they have people they are genuinely honest with about themselves?
  15. Does your OC enjoy social events, such as parties, clubs, et cetera..?
  16. Does your OC like to be the center of attention or more in the mix?

C. Morality

  1. Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?
  2. Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it?
  3. Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?
  4. Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser?
  5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?
  6. What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so?
  7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? 
  8. Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical?

D. Religion and Life and Death

  1. How religious is your OC? What do they practice, if anything? If they don’t associate with any religion, what do they think of religion in general?
  2. Do they believe in an afterlife?
  3. How comfortable are they with the idea of death?
  4. Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be?
  5. Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible?

E. Education and Intelligence

  1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?
  2. Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera)
  3. How many languages do they speak?
  4. Did they enjoy school if they went to it?
  5. What’s their highest education level? Do they want to continue their education?
  6. Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education?
  7. Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous?
  8. What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets?

F. Domestic Habits, Work, and Hobbies

  1. What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there?
  2. What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it?
  3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?
  4. How clean are they overall with home upkeep?
  5. How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera?
  6. How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it?
  7. What’s their “dream career” or job situation?
  8. How often are they home?
  9. Are they homebodies and enjoy being home?
  10. Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are?
  11. What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most?
  12. Would they enjoy a theme park?

G. Family and Growing Up

  1. Is your OC close to their family?
  2. Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them?
  3. Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not?
  4. What kind of childhood did your OC have?
  5. Did they go through any typical phases growing up?
  6. Do they have any favorite childhood memories?
  7. Do they have any childhood memories they’d rather forget or be less affected by?

H. Romance and Intimacy

  1. What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation?
  2. Is your OC a thoughtful partner, in whatever aspect of that you want to cover?
  3. Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right?
  4. Does your OC believe in love in first sight?
  5. Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)?
  6. Has your OC ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on?
  7. What do they look for in partners? (Emotionally, mentally, physically..)
  8. What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date?
  9. What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners?

I. Food

  1. What are their favorite kinds of flavors– Sweet, salty, sour, spicy, creamy, et cetera?
  2. Do they have any eating requirements or preferences? Allergies, vegetarian, organic-only, religious restrictions…
  3. Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances?
  4. How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot?
  5. Are they a good cook?
  6. Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly?

J. Politics, Current Events, Environmental Aspects

  1. Where does your OC stand most politically? What would they align with most?
  2. How politically aware are they?
  3. How politically active are they?
  4. Is your OC the sort to fall for fake news? If not, do they ignore it or make a point to clarify that it’s wrong?
  5. Are they or would they protest for a cause they’re passionate about?
  6. How do they react to people whose political viewpoints are very opposite of theirs?
  7. How much interest in environmental health do they have?
  8. In reality-based or applicable worlds, do they believe in global warming? Do they recycle?

K. For OCs in Reality-Based Worlds Who Are Unusual in Paranormal Ways (such as magical abilities, being another species, having a curse like lycanthropy, sci-fi abilities, being from another time, et cetera)– Also for OCs where the scenario is similar even if their universe isn’t based on reality

  1. Does your OC have to keep their paranormal aspect (PA) a secret from general society? If so, how? I.e., they can’t discuss their abilities, they have to hide a tail, they have an alter-ego, et cetera. What would happen if society found out about it?
  2. Are there others in their universe with the same or a similar PA as your OC? I.e., others from different dimensions, others of their same species. Do they know about it?
  3. Does your OC have any friends who know about their PA? Any enemies?
  4. Does your OC ever use their PA to get an advantage? I.e., use their ability to be invisible to steal or get out of things, compete in track while their species is a naturally superior runner, use their invulnerability in careers like police work… If so, do they have any hang-ups about it?
  5. Does your OC feel isolated or unrelatable due to the experience their PA brings with it? If so, how do they deal with it?
  6. Does their PA cause issues in daily life? I.e., if they’re inhuman in a human universe and they can’t go to a doctor or risk the doctor realizing they are not human, super abilities with physical drawbacks, they don’t have control of their abilities and must keep to themselves, et cetera… If so, how do they feel about it?
  7. Does your OC’s PA affect their dietary habits so that they are unusual or problematic by their society’s standards?
  8. What are some routines, if any, of self-care that your OC must engage in that are not typical of their society? I.e., having to file their teeth, maintaining magical rituals, drinking blood…
  9. Does your OC have knowledge that they can’t share with the rest of their world that could improve it if it didn’t cause chaos? I.e., a character from the future knowing about technology not yet invented, but they can’t reveal themselves by sharing it?
  10. Would your OC give up their PA if they could? Why or why not?

L. For the Writer/Owner

  1. How have your characters changed since you created them?
  2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?
  3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?
  4. Would you hang out with your OC if you could?
  5. Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally?  AKA, which is supposed to a “good guy”?
  6. Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a “bad guy”?
  7. Which OC do you think is the most attractive?
  8. What’s the longest you’ve had an OC for?
  9. How did you come up with your OC?

A thought: Modern flinthamilton AU in which Alfred is still a homophobic douchebag but they went ‘fuck you’ and got married anyway.

I call this “Thomas I don’t think your husband is listening to a single word you say…… he’s… distracted”

Today you are going to live this day as if it were your last. Take risks. Have fun. Care for others. Learn more. But above all, love freely.
—  Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin

The fallen blossom does not return to the tree;

and a shattered mirror does not reflect again.
__

I challenged myself to draw Hanzo in the simplest way possible, and I tried to recall the style of sumi-e paintings.

My mom liked it and it was also super fun to do, so I can say I’m pretty happy with the result!

Hello, survivor here who grew up with illness and disability and who loves to explore life through fictional characters because it’s a good way to think outside of your own experiences and learn and grow and also to have fun.

Can we stop pretending that unsavory fan content made by survivors is more powerful than big bucks goreporn movies coming out every year? There’s so much discourse about how someone’s geeky indulgent fanfic can cause a whole generation of sickos to feel validated by it and go commit horrible crimes but if an obscure fic is that powerful and influential because to you fiction = reality, why isn’t a musical where we root for the characters making people pies treated the same?

If fans shouldn’t be allowed to write weird or dark or gross things for coping, speculation, learning, healing, empathy, creative exercise, or just for fun just because there might be people who cannot separate fiction from reality, then why isn’t media seen by literal millions your target as well? Because individuals are easy targets and this is all performative and you don’t actually care about us, you hurt us because that’s how weak and powerless you are, you have to harass some 20 year old survivor just trying to explore things safely in the realm of fiction and act like their weird crackship fic with 800 hits is responsible for every new trauma victim created that month.

I’ve got a secret for you: telling survivors they should be ashamed of what they create and they should kill themselves because you personally are grossed out or uncomfortable with their OTP doesn’t protect them or anyone else from harm. The one doing harm is you. Stop harming real people in the name of hypotheticals. I have seen this go on for far too long. You hurt people who are already hurting. Who does that save?

Fellow survivors and even people who just like writing dark things and know that what they write isn’t reality: asking “what if?” and exploring that creatively is not a sin.