haunting you as you sleep

slavic languages gothic

You see a sentence written in cyrillic. Some of the letters are familiar. You see the meaning shimmering underneath the surface. You almost grasp it, but it slips away. The letters on the page mock you silently.

You know this Czech word. You’ve already learnt it in Polish. It is not the same word. It is a grave insult. Your slavic friends are shocked and embarassed for you when they hear you speak it.

There is a sentence in Croatian. There is a sentence in Serbian. There is a sentence in Bosnian. They are all the same sentence.

You have to write about your day in Slovak. You spend the night polishing the draft. You fail your assigment. It’s written in Czech. You don’t know Czech.

P is not what it seems. You have to remember that.

The Croatian sentence does not mean what the Bosnian sentence means. They both mean the same in Serbian.

That word has a diminutive. The diminutive has its own diminutive. The diminutive of the diminutive also has a diminutive. Nobody knows what the final diminutive of a word is. Some say the knowledge had been lost in centuries past and matrioshkas are the echo, the tangible warning left for us to remember. No living creature should hold the means of diminishing something into nonexistence.
Others say you may still find some of them in old soviet textbooks, if you dare to look in abandoned schools of Chernobyl.

Someone is speaking to you. Is that a he or a she? You aren’t sure. It’s an abstract concept. Why does it have gender.

You see a word in a dictionary. It has seventeen letters and only one vowel. You close the dictionary very carefully not looking at the phonetic transcription. The shape of it haunts you in your sleep. You wake up face damp with tears, a bitter taste on your tongue. The clock blinks 3:03AM. You do not dare look up that word again.

This word means the same thing in the five slavic languages you’re familiar with. You use it in the sixth one. That word does not exist in this language. It never did. There is now a word-shaped void in the fabric of this language. The natives look at you uneasily. There is a new quality to the silence and your palms start to sweat.

H is not H. H is not H. H is not H. H is not H.

One day you flip through your dictionary. A page is missing. What was the word? You can’t remember. There is pressure building at the back of your head. The clock blinks 3:03AM.

You write my name is in cyrillic. There are shadows dancing on the walls. They grow longer with each letter you write down. It is not cyrillic you’re using. You keep writing my name is. The shadows now bleed from the tip of your pen. It’s irrelevant. You need to remember the right letters.

N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not… If only you could remember the letters. The letters are important. What was it, that wasn’t N?

There are nine different prefixes you can add to a verb to change its meaning. There are fifty three different suffixes you have to add to a verb to make it work. In the end the only thing left of the original is a vague shape of one of its middle consonants. You can feel the anguish radiating from the verb’s mutialted form. A desperate sob escapes through your clenched teeth. You’re so, so sorry, you didn’t meant to. You didn’t. It doesn’t matter.

You now read a text in Russian. You’ve never learnt Russian. Why are you reading that text? The words burn your eyes, the meaning searing your mind.

There’s a shot of vodka in front of you. You don’t drink alcohol. You don’t care. All existence is meaningless, your soul’s in eternal pain. A broken matrioshka lays at your feet. There is no salvation, she says boring into your eyes. You open your mouth to answer, but there is only a burst of harsh rustle. It dies in whispering echoes a moment later. Your glass is empty again.

3

“Wake Up”

‘Cause we’ve been driving so long
I can’t remember how we got here
Or how we survived so long
I’m tryna run from our pride
'Til you set fire to my atmosphere
And I remember how I spent the 23rd
Feeling six feet under
When I’m 30,000 feet in the air
Chasing that sundown
So far east I’m westbound
Feeling like the edge of this world is near

But you’ll feel better when you wake up
Swear to god I’ll make up
Everything and more when I get back someday
This is more than just a phase, love
Shooting stars all break up
And even though it seems like half the world away

Things will be better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I could fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I’m on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

Stay, you’re not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them
And they mean nothing to me
So stay, you’re not what you’re hearing
'Cause I’ve been watching you changing
And who said you’re one in a million
Anyway?

'Cause you see only what you want to
Your tunnel vision haunts you
And you can’t see what’s wrong
When you keep sleeping through the PM
Eyes wide open when you’re dreaming
You’re sleepwalking, just keep talking
And maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end
No “B” plan in your system
Just tell me what you’re thinking
I’m scared that you might fall.

EDEN - Wake Up

—–

Hide… Where are you? We miss you….

I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best kind of love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you.
—  😔
3:36 am

i go through of all the words i would tell you
if you were next to me
i stumbled over the right way to tell you i love you
so i told you all the things i love about you
i couldn’t help it
i turned to hug you
my arm became insignificant as it destroyed your hallucination
just like the words that came so easily


(via @glimpseofmylife)

If you want to forget the boy who broke your heart, here are 10 things you should NOT do:


Number 1, if you wanted to forget about him, maybe you shouldn’t have told your friends that you have a sort of frustrating crush on the guy you’ve been talking to lately. If you did, it’ll be the last time you’ll ever know peace. Before you realize it, your whole class knows, your teachers know, your family knows, your neighbors know–the president himself is in the process of knowing. Every time he walks by, you will be stripped of your composure. Your life will become a romcom onlookers tune in to. 


2, do not think about the last text he sent you just before you go to bed. It’ll haunt you in your sleep and you’ll dream of his eyes, of his voice, the way his nose crinkles when he laughs, and it’ll leave you with fantasies impossible to come true.


3, do not stalk his social media accounts. Just don’t. Don’t look at his posts or, god forbid, his pictures. And for the love of all that is good, do not message him. It will lead to several awkward conversations that will leave you both giddy and mortified and you will find out that he uses too many emoticons and not enough words which means you don’t really understand what he means, but that he is more adorable than you first thought he was.


4, if you want to forget him, don’t smile back. Oh, it will be tempting, I know. After all, how can you resist when he smiles at you as if the sun itself resides in his chest? When he smiles like it’s the first and last time he will ever be happy? How can you not smile back, when he reminds you just exactly what happiness feels like?


5, do not associate songs with him. When your favorite song comes on, do not think of slow dancing to it with him. Do not imagine the two of you sharing earphones and listening to a playlist on repeat. Do not devote the lyrics like an ode to his laughter, do not think of him when you sing. Melodies are not supposed to echo a name. 


6. do not name him “What If”. Do not think of all the ways he can make you better. Do not name him “Maybe”. Do not come up with reasons why he can love you just as fiercely. Do not name him “Almost”. Do not hope for something you damn well know could never be.


7, do not get jealous of the girl he laughs with. Do not compare yourself to the way she looks, how she’s thinner, prettier, more breathtaking than you will ever be. Do not look at his smile–it is the same smile he gives you. It is the same smile you’ve fallen in love with, the same smile you thought was meant for your eyes only. Do not get jealous of her. He was never yours to keep in the first place.


8, if you want to forget about him, do not cry over him. He’ll disappoint you again and again and again and I know it’ll hurt, god, how it hurts–but do not cry over him on the car ride home. Do not let them see that he has broken you. Don’t let them know you care. Don’t let heartbreak paint your face with mascara tears, do not cry yourself to sleep.


9, do not tell him how you feel. Do not tell him that he saved you when you couldn’t save yourself, don’t tell him you cared. Do not rearrange your words over and over in hopes his feelings will change. Do not wait for his answer. Do not save his reply, do not hurt yourself this way. You do not need a constant reminder that he does not love you back.


10, if  you want to forget the boy who broke your heart, do not write about him. Do not immortalize the way he stood, the curl of his lips, the shade of his eyes. Do not make permanent the memory of his last words as he said goodbye. If you want to forget, do not write him poetry. Do not surrender the beauty of your metaphors. Do not make symbolisms about his name, do not compare him to stars. He is just a boy, who felt like a miracle in what little time you had together. He is just a boy. Do not give him the power of your words.


If you want to forget him, do not commit these mistakes. If you want to forget him, don’t do what I did.

—  10 things you should not do to forget
8 | Save Me

BTS X READER: GANG / CRIME AU

word count: 3,601 not as long as i thought it’d be ngl

warnings: violence, gore probably smut at some point I mean it’s me we’re talking about, dead bodies, non-con etc. very mature themes.  this chapter has mentions of bruises and gunshots. this chapter has mentions of nightmares, gunshots and death

Originally posted by annabartollo

masterlist | ask | prev 


Three gun shots. Three bodies. Three lives.


Dressed in all black with your hair pinned back into a smooth and sophisticated bun you climbed out of the car, the driver handed you your large metal crutches as the painful reminder of why you were there began to prick at your eyes. It had been two weeks since they were killed, you drank in your heartbreaking surroundings and prepared yourself for what was about to take place. The funeral.
Hobbling up the stairs outside the church you were greeted with three familiar faces, each of them puffy from crying but simultaneously somewhat happy to see you there.

“Y/N, hey.. Thanks for coming.” Jimin pulled you into a warm embrace, being careful not to touch your still very painful leg,

“I wanted to be here.” You breathed shakily as you forced a smile, trying to keep the threatening tears at bay,

“I still can’t believe it…” Serena mumbled as she hugged your frame, her voice no louder than a whisper,

“Me neither.. I, uh-” You coughed out, the underlying guilt of what happened still raw in your mind.
Luckily your discomfort didn’t go unnoticed and a low voice interrupted the harrowing conversation, “Are we all ready to go inside?” Hoseok asked, resting his large hand on your shoulder blade,

“Mhm.” You forcefully pulled your lips into the faintest smile as he helped you inside the building and to your seat.

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Her body is a rose,
But her skin are thorns.
She is the biting poison,
And the blinding cut.

Her face is a meadow,
But her hair——a wildfire.
She can lull you to sleep,
Then haunt you in dreams.

Her eyes is of the heavens
And her lips——of the sea
She has a mended wings
But does not crave the sky.

Her eyes are the bullets,
And her voice——the gunshot.
She has a heart of an angel,
But her soul is a monster.

—  J.DG
Good Morning (M)

Originally posted by teambgasm

**GIF NOT MINE

Requested by: Anon.. Here you go sweety!!

Characters: Goo Junhoe (Junhwe, June, iKon), You (Reader/OC)

Genre: Smut and fluff

Warning/s: Dirty talking, Thigh Riding (ugh),Cunnilingus, Overstimulation, Cringing, sweaty and slick morning sex

Length: 1,968 words

Plot:   You had a hot dream with your boyfriend and he finds that out so he will make you realize that dreams do come true and they come in a better package.

I had literally no time in proofreading so I apologize about any errors :p

~~~~~

“Right there, baby.”  You moaned as you felt your boyfriend’s cock hit the most sensitive spot in you, causing you to press your forehead against the mattress harder. Junhoe continued his brisk pace as he fucks you from behind, his hands gripping your hips tightly that will surely appear as bruises the next morning.

“Cum for me, baby.”  He groaned when he felt your walls tighten around him.  

“Fuuuuck!!”

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taken from the comic book series written by neil gaiman

  • “the price of wisdom is above rubies.”
  • “when do the nightmares slip out into the daylight?”
  • “it was a dark and stormy nightmare.”
  • “I left a monarch. yet I return alone…hungry.”
  • “never trust a [insert word here]. he has a hundred motives for anything he does - 99 of them, at least, malevolent.”
  • “I would have dreamed of you…if I could dream.”
  • “the real problem with stories: if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.”
  • “little ghost, get out of my way.”
  • “I’ve learned from my mistakes, but I’ve had more time to commit more mistakes.”
  • “I suppose there are worse endings.”
  • “it is a fool’s prerogative to utter truths no one else will speak.”
  • “I only have two kinds of dreams: the bad and the terrible.”
  • “the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.”
  • “it’s part of growing up, I suppose. you always have to leave something behind you.”
  • “nobody looks up in the sky anymore.”
  • “everybody has a secret world inside of them.”
  • “it is sometimes a mistake to climb, it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt.”
  • “sometimes you wake up. sometimes the fall kills you. and sometimes, when you fall, you fly.”
  • “without dreams, there could be no despair.”
  • “it is unwise to summon what you cannot dismiss.”
  • “never trust the storyteller. only trust the story.”
  • “destiny is blind.”
  • “remember how hard it was for me to leave, and that it was not your fault.”
  • “life, like time, is a journey through darkness.”
  • “I like the stars. It’s the illusion of permanence, I think. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments.”
  • “when something ends, there’s always something left over. a story, or a vision, or a hope.”
  • “I don’t recommend revenge. it tends to have repercussions.”
  • “honesty is a somewhat overrated virtue.”
  • “I suppose the point you grow up is the point you let the dreams go.”
  • “the things we do make echoes.”
  • “all journeys leave marks on us.”
  • “have you ever been in love? horrible, isn’t it? it makes you so vulnerable.”
  • “when there’s no hope, you might as well be dead.”
  • “they will haunt your sleep until you die.”
  • “everything changes, and nothing is truly lost.”
Sweetheart (Steve Rogers x reader)

Rewriting this, I hope I have good memory recall for this. Still on edge from deleting the first draft of this. fuckkkkkk

Description: Steve breaks down in front of you about Bucky. It’s angsty and sad honestly.

“Goodnight everyone!” You waves at the group as you walked away. You had a smile on your face, unlike everyone else. Everyone was exhausted from the last mission, besides you. All you earned back from them were some grumbled goodnights and halfhearted waves. You stopped before leaving, “has anyone seen Steve?” The only person that responded this time was Sam with a barely audible “I don’t know.” You raised your brow, a concerned look creeping up on your face.

Steve had been acting different lately, the stress from his missions catching up to him. Not only that, but ever since Bucky returned, it had been taking a toll on him. He hadn’t been saying much about it, he was usually an open book. A total sweetheart. And you loved him. You and Steve had been together for over a year, every moment with him filled with pure bliss. All you knew was that you wanted to be with him; always.

You decided to check around the tower to try and find your loving boyfriend. Your first stop was the training room. It was dark, nobody was in there. You checked if he had been there recently, but there was no sight of spilled punching bags on the floor. Your suspicions that he was there recently were negative. Concern started to creep up your stomach. You thought of his next favorite place.. the kitchen. The marble felt cool underneath your bare feet as you walked across the open floor plan. As you reached the huge cooking space, memories of all the times you two were in the kitchen trying to make food crept up to the front of your mind. The corner of your mouth pulled up a bit as you thought about it. You flicked on the switch, but to no avail. He wasn’t there. The sick feeling now filled your stomach and crept up to your throat. You thought that he couldn’t have just left, he never leaves without telling you because he knows you get worried. Maybe he was in his room.

The hallways were empty and you cursed yourself for not wearing something warmer. All you were wearing was an old t-shirt and some cotton shorts. The least you could have done was put on some socks, but oh well.

You reached his door, and turned he knob. He wasn’t in there either. But, you stood in the middle of his room, taking it all in. Goosebumps started to surface on your arms and you saw a blanket on his bed. You took it, knowing he wouldn’t mind. You threw it over your shoulders and snuggled your nose into the fabric. You took a deep breath; it smelled just like him. His scent was comforting and familiar, something you hoped you never had to live without.

You slowly turned around in his room. You smirked at his bed, remembering all those nights you made love on it. Your eyes lingered there for few moments, then it shifted around the room. Your gaze finally landed on his photo wall. You walked across the room to it, feeling the carpet in between your toes. You smiled at all the photos, lightly tracing your fingers across them. Most of them were of you and him. Your eyes lit up at one photo from when you took a trip to the beach together. Steve had captured your reaction of the moment he poured sand on your head. The picture showed your shocked face and his side profile smiling at you. That was one of your favorite memories. You looked on at the rest of them and your fingertips stopped on a certain picture. The edges were worn and the picture was fading. Your smile faded as you pulled the push pin out of it and held it in your hands. It was a picture of Steve and Bucky from their army days.. before Steve lost him.

You knew you had to find him, or at least find out where he was. You wanted to be here for him, you always would.

You placed the picture back on the wall and left his room, the blanket still draped across your shoulders, and closed the door softly behind you. You began to walk to the elevator, but stopped in your tracks. You felt your pockets for your phone and realized you had left it in your room. You needed it to call Steve, to make sure he was okay. You entered the lonely elevator and pressed the button for your floor. When the doors opened, you found your hallway, listening to the sound of your feet as the padded against the hard wood.

As you began to walk to your room, you heard soft crying. You became worried, and as you got closer to your room, it grew more audible. Then you realized, it was coming from your room.

You turned the knob and slowly opened the door. It creaked, making your presence known. You saw a familiar figure sitting on the edge of your bed, his back facing you.

“Steve?” You squinted your eyes in the darkness. The concern and worry in your voice made him turn his upper body to you and he quickly wiped away any stray tears that might have been on his face, hoping you wouldn’t see. Oh, but you saw. You always knew when something was wrong, when something was bothering him.

The moonlight casted a shadow across his face, but you could still make out his disheveled, blonde hair and his full lips. You approached him, and let the blanket fall to the ground. You knelt down in front of him, so that you were looking up at him.

“Oh baby..” Your voice trailed off as you cupped his tear stained face, his cheeks flushed pink from crying. Your eyebrows were stitched together with worry and his placed one of his hands over yours.

“Sweetheart, talk to me. I was getting so worried about you.” He gave you a small smile, appreciating your concern and kissed your head.

“I’m sorry I worried you. I went to be by myself and realized I needed you, but I didn’t want to bother you. So, I decided to come to your room. It’s comforting just being here.”

He broke eye contact with you and looked at the floor. “Hey, look at me,” you spoke softly and turned his face towards you, “you could never bother me. I’ll be here in a heartbeat whenever you need me. I was looking everywhere for you.” You broke out a small smile and chuckled.

He laughed a little, but then tears started welling up in his eyes again.

“What’s wrong baby? Talk to me.” Your voice began to break at the sight of the one person you truly loved on the brink of tears.

“It’s Bucky. I thought he was dead.. he fell off a cliff. I went on thinking I would never see him again.” Tears began streaming down his face, making his blue-green eyes seem brighter. “And there he is, still alive, but not the Bucky I used to know. They tortured him F/N. They hurt him in ways unimaginable. And when he saw me.. he didn’t know who I was.” At this moment, he began to sob. You pulled yourself up on the edge of the bed, so that he could lean on your shoulder. He sat there, buried in your shoulder, his arms around your waist. You rubbed his back soothingly, shushing his pain.

After a good twenty minutes of that, he pulled away. “Thank you darling. Thank you for being here for me.” He looked down at the spot where he cried and saw how soaked your shirt was. “And sorry about your shirt.”

You laughed a little and his face graced a small smile. “Well it’s good that you have plenty of shirts for me to steal to replace this one.” You winked and kissed him on the cheek. “Hey, I’m always gonna be here. No matter what. Because I love you. God, I love you so much. And we’re going to get through this together. You and me. We’re gonna find a way to get him back, not just get him back to you. But we’re gonna get the real Bucky back to you.” You looked at him, with hope, but also with hurt. You hated seeing him so upset.

He cupped your face and whispered, “maybe we will. I hope we do. As long as you’re here, it’ll be easier than facing it alone.” His voice was raspy from crying, and his eyelashes were sticking together.

He put on a small smile and pulled you face to his, kissing you softly. You kissed back, the feeling of his lips on yours leaving you filled with butterflies even after over a year of being together. He pulled away and you put your foreheads together. You gazed into each other’s eyes, and somehow it filled the silence.

“Thank you.” He spoke with love and affection and you knew he really meant it.

“Sweetheart, I’d do anything for you.” You smiled and pulled his lips to yours. You kissed each other, pouring all your love for each other into every moment. Steve deepened the kiss, and it felt like your world was spinning into pure bliss.

Then it was his turn to pull away. He left and warm feeling on your lips that tingled when the cool air hit you. “Can we just stay here? I don’t want to leave you.” He spoke shyly.

“Of course you can.” You knew that the Winter Soldier haunted him in his sleep ever since Steve saw him.

You got up to go to your dresser, his hands falling from your waist. You always kept a pair of his pajamas in your room in case he ever wanted to sleep over. You pulled out a pair of his soft, plaid sleeping pants out of the drawer. You knew these were his favorite. The pants went flying across the room to him as you threw it. You also took out the shirt that he always wore with it. Before tossing the shirt to him, you contemplated whether you should actually give it to him.

You turned to him and he had already stripped off his shirt and put on his pajama pants. His arm was outstretched for you throw the shirt to him. Instead, you teasingly pulled off your shorts and your tear soaked shirt, giggling. He gave you a look, the one he always gave you when you were being mischievous. He began to laugh as you tried being seductive, something you weren’t very good at. But, it was something you and him always laughed about together.

Before he got any ideas, you put on his t-shirt, which hung to the middle of your thigh. It was huge on you. You were glad you got him to laugh, you could tell it was taking his mind off of Bucky.

“So I’m just supposed to be cold tonight then?” He was smiling fully as you walked towards him; sporting his shirt.

“Well, you’ll have me to keep you warm. I think you’ll be fine.” You both were bubbly despite what just happened. It took the edge of, and Steve was grateful for it.

You stood in front of him and he held your hands gently as you rubbed your thumbs across the backs of his hands.

You crawled into your bed together, pull the comforter over your bodies, the fabric feeling soft against your skin. Steve put his arm around you as you snuggled up to his bare chest with your leg wrapped around him.

“We’re going to find him. That much I can promise you sweetheart.” you whispered these words into the air, thinking nobody could hear you. But Steve did, and he placed a loving kiss on your head one last time before your eyes fluttered closed and sleep took both of you into its embrace.

Suspect: Part 4

Pairing: Reader x Bucky (we’re getting there)
Word Count: 2.5K
Warnings: Angst, death (lil’ graphic), mentions of previous same sex relationship (should that even be a warning?), swearing

A/N: I was hoping to have this posted a few days ago, but I got lazy, sorry! Thanks for being patient!

Feedback is always appreciated. Let me know if you want to be added to the tags list.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

After hours of tossing and turning, you gave up. You couldn’t get your mind off what you had witnessed on the bridge, the man - if he could be called that - was heartless, cold, bloodthirsty, and above all, a killer.

Still dressed in the same clothes, you grabbed your bag and a jacket, knowing exactly where you were headed, but unsure if you’d be able to find anything. The streets were mostly empty, as to be expected at 4am, so the drive to the DCPD building was quick and quiet.

The security officer jolts away as your steps click towards him, “Hey Shaun,” you say, giving him a kind smile,

“Detective Y/L/N,” he says with a groggy voice, “I was just… Resting my eyes,”

You force a chuckle, making him relax as you scan your key card and make your way to the elevator, not wanting to stand around and chat. You’re getting impatient, and your foot unconsciously taps as the elevator seems to crawl upwards. Finally the doors open and you make a beeline for your desk.

Once logged in, you repeat the same process that you had at home; searching for anything and everything you could find that related to yesterday’s events. This time you had more luck. Your search seemed to return one file, labelled S.H.I.E.L.D.

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TWD - Negan Imagine ~ "First Day of the Rest of Your Life"

An imagine about the season finale of season 7

I’m following the storyline of the TV show, so I wrote parts to the other episodes as well that are connected.

BUT they are all written the way that you can read them separate without having read any other part!

You can find every other part of the series here

Originally posted by dancing-at-the-funeralparty

The warm morning light shined into the room as you slowly opened your eyes. You looked around the room, Negan’s room, but didn’t find him.
You rolled around in the bed thinking about the journey that had brought you here, to this day.
And damn, the journey you had made till this day had been a huge one.
From the line up a whole lot of weeks ago, where he hadn’t just taken your brother Daryl with him but also you, the visits in Alexandria he had taken you with him like almost everywhere else, the day your brother fled and instead Eugene was the other familiar person here, Negan getting you from your own room to his, cause he thought it was safer for you and the other day where with Sasha the next person came here.
And not only the journey of events shaped the last time, also the change of your relationship to Negan.
Hell, you still despised him deeply for his deeds and you would never even get the idea to justify them, but you couldn’t see him only as a complete asshole anymore.
The mood between you and him was mostly eased and you could even laugh with him and feel comfortable around him, which kept a fight inside you going on between your conscience that hated him for his deeds and the other side you got to see from him.
Negan hadnt have an easy game with you, hell no, you had made it pretty hard for him you still did, but he had kept going.
Opening up and letting someone even give you those feelings was for sure nothing easy for you, especially since the outbreak had changed everything and you had not a bit of an idea why out of all people Negan was the one you began to build up a bond to.

You looked over to the coffee table between the leather couch and the arm chairs that was already covered in stuff for breakfast.
You slowly sat up as you heard the door opening and saw Negan walking smirking inside.
“Good fucking morning, Sweetheart”, you heard Negan chuckling say as you saw him carrying a few more things in his arms.
“Come over, we gotta start strong into the day”, he said waving you over to the table, before you slipped out of the bed and walked over to the leather couch you let yourself fall on.
You watched him pour coffee into his cup while you had to think about something probably not more than an hour ago.
You had woken up, still whirred somewhere between sleep and being awake while you had felt him pulling you even deeper into his embrace.
You had to overcome your stubbornness to get into his arms for the night and in the end you had done it just through the fact that the nightmares that haunted you stayed away when you were that close to him in your sleep, as much as you disliked that he owned and knew about that ability.
Your conscience got challenged in these moments an hour ago again as you felt his touch sending chills through your body.
His fingers that were tracing up and down your arm.
His lips that were that close to your temple that you could feel them lighty brushing against it while you could feel the warm breath and the beard stubble tickling your skin.
And while you laid there you wondered once again how surprisingly gentle he could be once he thought no one was around and you werent awake, even though you had already seen him softer when you were alone with him,
And to your annoyance this fondness had an effect on you, you had to grumply recognize. 

You began drinking a bit out of your cup as your glance went over to the silver tray standing on the edge of the table.
“Curious?”, you heard Negan chuckling ask before you looked over to him.
“Yeah”, you just said taking another sip while you saw Negan bowing grinning over to the tray but before he lifted it, he looked once more over to you.
“As much as I hate to say it, I gotta disappoint you, that’s unfortunately not for you”, he said grinning.
“I think I can live with that”, you said before Negan shook chuckling his head and lifted the upper part of the tray.
“This, my dear Sweetheart, is for your friend from the cell”, Negan said while you could see what was hidden under the tray.
A pancake decorated with some fruit around it and a smiley created with blueberries on it.
A fucking smiley.
“What the heck, Negan”, you said staring at the smiling pancake.
“Oh, is someone being jealous? You don’t have to be, I can offer a whole lot more to you than just a smiley pancake ”, Negan said smirking while you rolled your eyes looking over to the pancake once again.
“What Sweetheart? I’m just being a fucking good host to her!”, Negan said chuckling.
“You’re buttering her up”, you said leaning back into the soft leather of the couch while you looked at Negan.
“Oh come on, Don’t be that fucking grumpy”, Negan said chuckling before leaning back again.
“Im not grumpy, I’m just seeing what you’re doing there”, you said glancing over to the tray.
“And that would be?”, asked Negan chuckling interested while you huffed slightly.
“You’re trying to get her on your side and you exactly know that if you’d begin to threaten and scare her, that it would just push her away from the idea of allying with you. And that’s not what you want cause she’s a good weapon to you. Nothing more. So you’re trying to butter her up with some fucking pancake and some charming words to get her more drawn to your plans, so you can utilize her”, you said still looking over to him while he chuckled.
You knew he didn’t care further about her.
When she’d die the only thing he’d pity would be the weapon he lost.
”Oh shit Sweetheart, after all you think like that?”, he said chuckling leaning back into the armchair.
“No Negan. after all I can see when you actually mean what you do and say or when you’re just saying something to manipulate and use someone”, you said looking over to him while he scoffed.
Of course he wouldnt admit that now.
You felt your eyes narrowing into a glare by the thought of the things he would want Sasha to do for him as you heard his voice.
“Don’t give me that fucking glare again. You seriously wanna go back in time to the point where all you did was looking that fucking hateful at me?”, Negan said leaning scoffing back into the armchair.
“No, but you don’t want that as well….and that’s why you’re not telling me anything for weeks now about your plans with my people, right?”, you asked still looking sternly at him while you could see in his glance that you were right.
It wasnt usual that Negan stayed quiet in conversations but this time he did and it became clearer and clearer in your mind why.
“You’re planning to kill some of them don’t you”, you asked looking at him while he leaned forwards.
“Listen in the end it’s up to Sasha and the stuff your peps do how many die, and I gotta check up what shit they’re about to do”, he said, still hedging from your original question, why exactly he didn’t tell you something.
You heard his walkie cracking before Simon’s voice sounded through it.
“We’re about in an hour and a half ready, in case you wanna check things we’re at the gate, Boss”, you heard through the walkie.
“Alright Im coming”, Negan said back into the walkie in his hands before he laid it back onto the table.
“Wait, you’re not going to Alexandria without me”, blustered out of you.
You wouldnt let him go alone there, you just needed to know what would happen.
“Suddenly you’re so into accompanying me?”, Negan asked slightly chuckling.
“I’ll not stay here doing nothing while you’re in Alexandria killing some of my people. You can’t keep everything away from me. And especially not that”, you said with a tensed undertone.
“I’ll not let you do that and I’ll not just let you kill them”, you added after he stayed quiet for moment.
“Shit Sweetheart, you fucking know that I’d cut off anybody else than you right at that point right?, Negan asked serious while looking at you.
“Yeah”, you said looking up to him before he sat down for a short moment.
“Alright, I’ll say it again it’s up to my deal with your friend and your damn peps  how many people gotta die. But why I’m not talking to you ‘bout that? That my Sweetheart may have a whole lot of shitty reasons but here’s the main one and I’m being fucking honest with this: 
I don’t know how that shits gonna end up but I’m not gonna be the one who’s pulling you into it. I won’t get you into any plan that could be against your people and make you suffer for shit they fuck up, I won’t do that for the fucking sake of you, I’m just being kind here not the asshole you think I am. Cause I fucking know how hard that shit is anyways for you even though you try to not show it”, he said while seriously looking at you, that much that you were sure that he meant it that way.
Of course there were other reasons you could imagine, like you would make his life harder when you’d know about his plans against them and that he would risk the relationship you had build up to him.
”Alright, so I’m gonna go to Sasha now. Don’t worry, I’m gonna be pleasant with her”, Negan said chuckling before winking at you and walking over to the wardrobe, getting his red scarf and leather jacket on before he grabbed the tray. 
”Be ready in an hour”, Negan said smirking before he left.

An hour later you stood on a truck’s platform together with Sasha, Eugene, Negan and Arat while you looked at the coffin placed on it.
One of Negan’s great ideas to make the visit in Alexandria even a bit more dramatical.
“Am I gonna come with you in it?”, asked Sasha while she nodded over to the casket.
“Jesus no, you don’t have to take the trip in the thing”, you heard Negan say.
“Well, I could use the rest”, Sasha said while you looked irritated at her
“No shit?”, asked Negan looking as irritated as you at her. 
“Yeah. I just want to go to sleep. I just need a little bottle of water, and I’m fine”, she said while you still couldnt really believe that she would stay voluntary for hours in this thing.
“Arat?”, he demanded before the woman jumped down the truck to get a bottle and you saw Negan walking over to Sasha. 
“Listen I know how tough this is and I appreciate it”, he said while you werent completely sure how much he still used these words to make her softer.
You saw Sasha nodding slightly before she climbed into the casket and looked at you one last time before she laid down.

Moments later you found yourself sitting on the bench in the back of the black truck, Negan’s arm laying around you that had somehow found its way again around your waist while you drove already over the roads.
It was still early and a little yawn escaped your mouth as you saw Negan looking smirking at you.
”You still sleepy? In case you are, my shoulder is always a welcome pillow for a sweet little nap-nap of yours”, he said pulling you slightly closer.
“I’m okay”, you just responded while you felt another yawn come up.
“Sure thing”, you just heard Negan chuckle while he slightly shook his head by the sight of your obviously tired self.
The next minutes didn’t help you getting more awake, more the opposite, you got even more tired.
And with every new second you felt your eyelids getting heavier while you felt Negan pulling you closer to let your head sink slowly onto his shoulder.
One more time you tried to fight back against your tiredness and rose your head up from his shoulder hearing Negan chuckle about you before you couldnt fight back anymore and finally dozed off.

You got waken up by the sudden stopping of the truck, that would have catapulted you on the ground of the machine if it would have been just a little more abrupt,
”Simon? Why the fuck did we stop?”, you heard Negan growling before you saw Simon who sat at the wheel turning  around.
”You better look at that yourself, Boss”, he said before Negan let slowly go of you and finally stood up.
“Gonna take a look, I’ll be right back”, Negan said before winking at you and walking out of the truck.
You tried to get to see through the windscreen what was happening outside and saw how men began cutting pieces off of fallen over trees that laid on the road while you saw Negan talking first to Simon, then to Eugene before he headed back to you into the truck accompanied by Dwight and Simon.
“Sorry Sweetheart, our alone-time in the back of this damn thing is over, we gotta keep up with Dwighty boy”, Negan said while he climbed back next to you before Dwight sat down towards you as the motor started again.
It wasnt far anymore, that was the only thing you could figure out from what Simon told Dwight while he drove over the streets.

And then you saw it again before you.
Alexandria.
The place you still called after all this time your home.
As you drove closer you could see people standing at the gates, obviously holding guns as if they were ready to fight and with that you knew that this wouldnt end up the nice way.
The motors of the trucks stopped right before the gates while your glance looked at the people standing on top of the gates until you suddenly heard Eugene’s voice.
“H-Hello. I come salved with the hope that it is my dropped knowledge that you heed. Options are zero to none…”, you suddenly heard Eugenes voice talking.
”You let him do that?”, you asked as you look bewildered over to Negan.
”Sure, Sweetheart. He asked for it outside and I also think they’ll listen at first more to him than to me and you were no option, just like I said, I’m not pulling you into this crap”, he said before you began to listen to Eugene again.
”Bottom-lining it..You may thrive, or you may die. I sincerely wish for the former for everyone’s sake. The jig is up and in full effect. Will you comply, Rick?”, you heard Eugene say.
“Where’s Negan?”, you heard Ricks familiar voice say before your breath stopped for a second.
 “I’m Negan.”
You had heard him say this the first time Negan had asked him and you had already hated it back then, but hearing him say it now, right in front of your friends, that was something completely different.
You looked through the window seeing Rick shaking his head slightly while you could even see from that far how hard that hit him.
A few moments you watched Rick silence behavior that switched between looking to Eugene to someone behind the gates before you saw him and everyone else suddenly duck.
Nothing.
”He really tried to fucking do it. That prick actually tried to fucking blow us up”, Negan growled shaking his head while you realized that was something he also knew about and in that one moment you saw how a strange woman raised her gun up to Rick’s head, you knew who had been the little bird.
“Out”, Negan said to Simon and Dwight, before he stood up himself and held his hand before you.
You took his hand and let him lift you on your feet but as soon as you came to the door you let go of it.
“Don’t like them to see us together?”, Negan asked chuckling as he felt your hand leaving his while you only responded with a slight scoff.
You slowly walked outside, your glance locking with Rick’s before the gate got opened and you saw someone that made this walk even harder for you.
Daryl.
Sasha had told you that he was alive and safe but seeing him there in front of you, watching your every step while Negan had his hand laying on your lower back, was cruel.
You couldnt go to him, couldnt hug him after all this time and couldnt tell him that you still stood by his side even though you were the one standing next to his enemy in these moments.
Negan stopped walking, Eugene standing on his left as he looked up to Rick while all you did was looking at your friends and your brother that had their guns up. 
“You ever heard the story about the stupid little prick named Rick who thought he knew shit but didn’t know shit and got everyone he gave a shit about killed?”, you heard Negan ask rhetorically.
“It’s about you”, he said while you saw him pointing up to Rick from the corner of your eye
“You’re all gonna wanna put your guns down now”, you heard Negan say before you heard Ricks voice
“No one drops anything”, was all you heard before you saw him talking to the strange woman.
“You push me, and you push me. And you push me, Rick. You just tried to blow us up, right? I mean, I get me, my people. But Eugene? He’s one of yours. And after what he did - He stepped up. Would you have still pushed it when you would have known that she was with me in that truck? Huh? Would you have blown her up? The one thats still trying to protect you crapheads?…Shit, you people are animals”, Negan growled before he continued.
“Universe gives you a sign, and you just shove your finger right up its ass”, he yells while striking up his middle finger up in the air.
“Dwight, Simon, chop-chop”, he said before he walked over to the other side of the platform with you while you watched Dwight and Simon climb up and beginning to remove the casket from its attachment to stand it up.
Negan climbed up to them while you walked to the side to see your friends as you heard Negan’s voice again.
“So, you don’t like Eugene anymore. You guys gotta like Sasha. I do, too. Got her right here packaged for your convenience, alive and well”, he said while you saw the shock in your friend’s faces.
“Now, I brought her so I wouldn’t have to kill all of you, and not killing all of you could get complicated”, Negan said chuckling while you felt your jaw clenching by the sound of the words he was saying. 
“See, I know there’s a lot of firepower left in there, Rick. So I’m gonna make this simple”, he said before raising his voice again.
“I want all the guns you’ve managed to scrape up. Yep, I know about those, too. I want every last grain of lemonade you got left. I want a person of your own choosing for Lucille”, you heard him say and with that, your head snapped over to him. 
You had known that in case something like that would wait for you here that someone would die even though you had tried to suppress the thought of it, but what he wanted now, them choosing one of their own made everything even more barbaric.
“Daryl. Ooh, I gotta get me my Daryl back. I see you”, Negan’s voice ripped you out of your thoughts while you saw him pointing with two fingers from Daryl to his eyes, before continuing.
“And after what you almost did a few minutes ago to my girl aka. your sis, you should really honor that, Daryl”, he said chuckling to your brother before raising his voice once again.
“Oh and I want the pool table and all the pool cues and chalk. And I want it now or Sasha dies, and then all of you”, he yelled before you heard him add something.
“Probably”, Negan said with a grin on his lips while you swallowed only thinking about one dead person.
“C'mon, Rick. Just because I brought her in a casket doesn’t mean she has to leave in it”, you heard him add while you looked over to Rick who remained silent as you heard Negan sigh.
“You know what? You suck ass, Rick. You really do. I don’t want to have to kill her, but that’s exactly what you’re gonna make me do”, he said scoffing.
“Let me see her”, Rick said clenching his jaw.
“Oh. Alright. Just give me a second. I might have to get her up to speed. You can’t hear shit inside this thing”, Negan said chuckling before you saw him drumming against the casket with his bat as you looked up to him.
“Sash? You will not believe this crap!”, Negan said chuckling before he drummed his bat against the coffin once again.
You still looked up to him seeing how he opened the casket and heard a groan that let the blood in your body freeze.
You gasped, your eyes widened as you saw Sasha’s reanimated corpse storming towards him.
Your eyes were wide open as you heard him scream while falling down the platform.
Your heart pumped against your chest as you heard guns beginning to rattle around you while you stormed over to Negan and gasped as you saw Walker Sasha bowing over him trying to bite him while he struggled getting her off his body.
You couldnt let her kill him.
You felt even more panic crawling up in you as you run panting closer before you were right above her.
“I’m sorry Sasha”, you mumbled with trembling voice as you buried your knife into the skull of the walker that had once been your friend.
You saw her rolling down from Negan, who looked directly startled into your eyes while you shocked realized that you were still trembling by the thought of losing him.
“Fucking shit”, he muttered before standing up and pulling you with him behind the truck.
“Plan B”, Negan screamed towards Simon before he turned heavily breathing to you.
“Fuck thanks, you fucking saved me. Have you noticed that shit alrea-”, he said before he got cut off by another gunshot way too close to you.
”You’re gonna stay close to me”, he said, pulling you close to him before he jumped up, running through the shooting people while shielded by a group of his men.
You couldnt notice a lot around you, you only had a hard grip on your knife as your legs kept running before you suddenly stopped.
“Sir, I have someone here you might like to see”, you heard Simon’s voice say before the shield of man opened up and revealed Simon standing before you, his hand with his gun up to Carls head.
“No”, you muttered to yourself, seeing Carl in front of you right before you heard Negan’s voice.
”Kid, I need you to get on your knees”, you heard Negan say before Carl kneeled down, surrounded by Saviors as Negan already began to slightly swing his bat as you realized what he was going to do.
You grabbed the sleeve of Negan’s jacket and made him turn around to you.
”Dont do that”, you growled looking at him while you heard him sigh.
”They fucking forced it. Rick’s gotta get what he gets with doing shit like that. I can’t let him go without a kill. its fucking necessary. Believe me, I don’t like killing that kid. I would rather go out here without that shit as well”, he said quietly but tensed while you tightened your grab around his arm.
“Negan please, do something else when you need to but don’t kill him, please”, you said urging while looking at him as he sighed before you saw Rick coming towards you, the woman again behind him, leading him with her gun.
You looked swallowing at Rick, who got brought to his knees next to Carl before you heard Negan talking again, while you looked bewildered at the two so important people kneeling before you.
“Well, shit, Rick. You just couldn’t stick with us, huh? You had to go with these filthy garbage people?”, Negan asked slightly chuckling before he looked up to the woman.
“No offense”, he added before you heard the woman talking.
“Deal is for 12. Yes?″, she said before Negan looked struggling at her.
“Ten. People are resource”, you heard him say and continue talking to her, while you looked down to Rick who now first looked up to you and let a cold shiver run down your back.
”I tried to stop him”, you said quietly muttering while you felt a lump creating in your throat seeing Rick and Carl that way.
“Get her in that house”, you suddenly heard Negan say as you looked up and saw him pointing over to one of the inchoate houses close to the scene that was playing before you
“No, Negan, no”, you growled before you felt a man grabbing you by your arm and beginning to pull you with him.
“Hey! Be fucking careful or I’ll rip your damn throat open”, Negan yelled at the man while you began to realize more and more what was about to happen.
You felt the man pulling you with him before you felt the anger rising up in you seeing Carl kneeling on the ground, his Dad next to him who would soon see how his Son would get beaten to death.
And with that thought you felt the anger boiling up in you.
You were like a volcano that seethed for a long long time until it broke out, but you knew, that when it broke out, then heavily.
And you felt it coming up more and more again
You couldnt get Negan get away with that, getting you away from this place to not be haunted by his conscience.
“Don’t make it that fucking easy for you”, you growled loudly feeling the man keep on pulling while you saw Negan still looking at you and not doing anything else.
Your glance went from Lucille to Carl, from Carl to Lucille, knowing that when no wonder would happen you would lose him as well.
You got brought back to that one night.
The bashed heads of Abraham and Glenn.
Your screaming and sobbing friends.
Which catapulted your thoughts into the future, seeing Carls bashed head on that grass and his dad screaming and sobbing next to him.
Your body was seething while you saw from the corner of your eye the house coming closer and closer and your anger heating up to the edge again as you saw Negan still standing there shortly before killing one more of your friends.
The lump in your throat got bigger and bigger, mixing up with the anger you had about the feelings you already had for that man that stood there with his soon in your friend’s blood covered in damn barbed wire wrapped bat as you felt the volcano in you broke out.
“I should have let her kill you”, you screamed in rage, shortly before you got pulled into the house you saw Negan swallowing hard, his glance for a second filled with pain. 

The man pulled you inside the house. 
The walls werent completely done yet, the windows cracked.
You looked around as you saw that one window pointing to the scene outside.
And you wanted to go there.
It wasnt your intention to hurt yourself on purpose, to make yourself go through that cruelty again, you had often tried to suppress feelings that would hurt you if you thought too much about them in order to protect yourself to not get torn up more, but this time it wasnt about you.
You felt like youd leave them alone if you would just wait inside here and the other thing was, you wouldnt let Negan get what he wanted in that moment.
You were way too angry about him in these moments to just let it happen without offering resistance on the only way possible for you right now.
”Sit down”, you heard the man growl.
“No, you let me go to that window”, you growled looking directly into his eyes, knowing that you werent the one having to fear consequences.
Even when it didn’t look like that in these moments, your position was way higher than his and that gave you the push to be especially determined.
”Shit are you a sadist or what?”, the man asked chuckling while you felt the anger heating up.
”Let me go to that window”, you growled once again not caring about anything but your friends and what Negan was about to do to him.
“Listen,  I’ll do everything to keep your ass here doesn’t matter if I’ll I have to drag you to the ground or anything else, I don’t care”, he growled back.
“Oh really? Then I’d like to know what Negan does when he finds out you hurt me”, you growled while the man narrowed his eyes sighing realizing that you were right.
“Alright, but no more than the window”, he responded hissing while you just nodded walking over to the window while the man stayed directly behind you.
You looked out of it, hearing clearly through the huge broken out pieces what Negan was saying to Rick.
“This is just gonna make you sad. Broken. You’re gonna wish you were dead.
I like having fun. I do. But maybe you think that the guy that did what he did to your fucking friends wasn’t me, like that was some sort of a put-on, like I’m not the guy with the bat – I’m just the guy that makes your kid spaghetti”, Negan said while stopping as more gun shots sounded through the air.
“Oh. Oh, shit. Maybe this is on me. Maybe this is all on me. I gotta make it right.
I guess I gotta start aaall over again”, Negan said while walking around the both of them, his bat ready to beat Carl.
In these moments you felt disgusted by yourself that you had enjoyed laying in this mans arms this morning.
But the thing that disgusted you even more was probably that the real reason for telling him that you wished you had let Sasha kill him was the rage you had been in and that you would still feel panic seeing him laying shortly before death on the ground even if you were despising him in these moments.
“I gotta tell you, Rick, if I had a kid, I’d want him to be just like your kid, which makes this so much harder”, you heard him say before you saw Carl looking up muttering something you couldnt understand but you could imagine a few things.
“Carl. It is over. Why don’t you point your one ball up the street there and take it all in?”, Negan asked pointing up the street before you suddenly heard a bloodcurdling scream that made your breath stop for a second.
It could only belong to Michonne.
You felt your heart pounding against your chest as you realized that you could have lost another friend in this moment, if she wasn’t still fighting.
Outside you saw Negan kneeling down before Rick.
“Ohh. Oh. Wow. You just lost somebody important to you right now – like, just now. Jesus. That is timing. Well, Rick you chose this. I truly don’t know what more I could’ve done to warn you. And this isn’t a warning. This is punishment”, he said still kneeling before him before he continued saying something that let your stomach turn upside down.
“I’m gonna kill Carl now. I’m gonna make it one nice, hard swing, try to do it in one because I like him. I just want you to put that in your brain and roll it around for a minute. I’m gonna kill Carl, and then Lucille here, she’s gonna take your hands”, Negan said while you felt cold shivers running down your back before you saw how Rick rose up a bit, leaning towards Negan.
“You can do it right in front of me. You can take my hands. I told you already, I’m gonna kill you. All of you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but nothing is gonna change that. Nothing. You’re all already dead”,you heard Rick growl while Negan looked at him clenching his jaw before he began to laugh.
“Damn Rick. Okay”, you just heard him say before Negan jumped up.
“You said I could do it!”, you heard Negan scream as you gasped seeing him swing his bat up before your breath stopped for a second.
A giant tiger jumping out of nowhere onto the Savior behind Negan and a group of people run behind it, screaming and shooting.
You witnessed the next seconds as if you were in a trance, you saw the tiger mauling the man while you saw Negan jolting away, getting up again and looking over to the window where you stood before you pulled yourself out of the trance.
Your fist hit the face of the man that was trying to stop you from running outside before you saw him backing down, cursing in pain as you run.
You stormed out of the house, guns rattling and firing all around you while all you did was trying to get an overview as you saw your brother running through the streets into a side street, a man right behind him aiming for him
You felt your heart pumping against your chest, your breath increasing as you stormed into the side street, over to the man, tackled him before he could realize what happened to the ground and buried your knife into his head.
Panting you looked up, seeing your brother looking from just a few meters towards you over to you before you tried to catch your breath and raised your voice loudly
“I’m with you, Daryl. I’ll have your back, go”, you yelled seeing your brother nodding before you reached out to the gun of the dead savior.
Yes you were still part of that family, doesn’t matter what happened with Negan and you.
Your bullets hit Savior after Savior as you run through the streets, your glance trying to check for everything and you kept running through the streets killing every Savior that just attempted to aim for your friends.
You didn’t know how many saviors you killed before you heard the rattling of your gun stopping.
You let it fall down and kept running and running while you saw from face to face, Maggie, Carol somewhere between all these people, others of the Alexandrian laying dead on the ground.
And you kept running even though your breath began to feel like it was cutting lines into your throat, before you felt someone grabbing you by your wrist and turning you around.
Negan.
You ducked hearing another gunshots too close before Negan pulled you closer towards him as you noticed the truck driving upon you.
”C’mon Sweetheart, we gotta go”, Negan yelled to drown out the sound of endless shots.
You were about to protest, rip out of his grab, but before another shot could hit the truck he pulled you with him inside.
You stumbled into the back of the truck seeing Negan looking at your hands that were covered in the blood from the Savior that had attacked Daryl.
”Not mine”, you only growled while you saw him nodding.
”Good”, he said swallowing but in a sternly undertone before he walked up to the front and let himself fall onto the seat and immediately rising his middle finger out of the window as shots hit the truck.

The rattling of the guns got quieter as you left Alexandria while you still looked at your with small cuts and blood covered hands as you heard Negan standing up, walking over and sitting down on the bench towards you.
You saw him grabbing a small towel from the back of the truck before he reached out for your hands right before you retracted them from him while you heard him sigh.
“Come on, I’m just trying to get that shit off”, he said before taking your hands again and beginning to get the blood from them. 
“Listen, I didn’t like that shit with Carl as well..and I just didn’t want you to have to fucking watch it”, he said while keep on removing the blood.
“Doesn’t change what you were about to do anyway”, you growled feeling his glance on you while you didn’t deign to look at him.
He sighed while he slowly but surely got the blood from your hands and you were sure, that he knew that it was his men’s blood.
As he was done, he sat for a few moments just there, holding your hands while you still didn’t look up to him and just sternly looked down before he let sighing go of you and walked back to the passenger seat in the front.
For the next hours of driving you just sat quietly on the bench, seeing from the corner of your eye how Negan looked over to you once in a while checking on you, while you had thousands of thoughts whirring around in your head.
Sasha was dead, however the hell that happened, she was gone forever.
And you had killed her living corpse in order to protect that man who later on tried to kill another one of your friends.
You had known that if something like that would happen, he would punish them, but killing a son in front of his own father just to take his hands afterwards to break him let you want to vomit.

The time rushed past you just like the trees the truck passed.
You came back to the Sanctuary, walked again through the cold hallways before you found yourself back in Negan’s room.
And hell you didn’t plan to stay here after what had happened on Alexandria.
“Get me back to my old room”, you said as you turned around to Negan as you crossed your arms and he looked sighing at you.
“I can’t. That room is already taken again and there’s no other free apartment left”, he said while you scoffed looking at him.
“You said I could go back there someday”, you growled glaring at him.
“I know what I fucking said. Things have fucking changed”, he said while scoffing and sighing.
”Yeah, now you’re not bashing two people’s heads in front of their friends, no, now you’re bashing only one son’s head in front of his father”, you said with an angry and sarcastic undertone.
”They needed punishment! They pushed it, they fucking pushed it through acting up like the most fucking dumbasses again!” he called out while you felt the anger boiling up again in you.
”Of course they begin to defend themselves, Negan! Of course they do, what do you fucking expect?! That you can do everything with everyone without ever coming to people that don’t want you to terrorize them anymore?!”, you called out.
”I get that you hate that cause they’re your people, but If Rick would be fucking smart and would seriously fucking care he would swallow all that shit to not get more people killed”, he yelled while he looked heavily breathing at you.
”So you know that?! What it means to care?! You, who doesn’t give a single fuck about anyon-”, you called out being cut of by a furious Negan.
“I fucking care a damn assload about you-”, he shouted before stopping realizing what he had just said.
“God fucking damn it”, he growled to himself before turning around and walking out of the room while you stood there startled and your eyes slightly widened..
For a few more moments you stayed like that before you closed the door and let yourself fall onto the couch while you still heard his words in your mind.
Of course you had noticed that he had been protective over you and cared about your wellbeing, but he had never said that, especially not that clearly.
You sat there for the next hours alone, not moving from your place on the couch while the whole day rushed through your head again and again and even though you calmed slowly down, you hated to admit it but that what Negan had said came up again and again in your head, playing on repeat.

Hours after sunset you heard the sound of the door hitting open, you knew exactly who that was but you didn’t look in his direction.
Instead you kept looking out of the window into the darkness like you had done almost the whole time you had been alone while you heard his steps coming closer.
“Would you mind?”, you heard him ask as he stood next to the couch.
You were still mad at him and your stubborn head kept telling you to not give in but in this case your curiosity about what he was gonna say was stronger.
You waited a few more moments before you looked up and nodded slowly as approval.
He sat down next to you, sighing while rolling Lucille’s end over the carpet seeming like he struggled with himself.
“See, I can understand you for being mad about me. I get it, in your position I’d be that as well”, he said and stopped for a few moments while he sighed quietly.
You were sure that he knew that the fragile bond between you had gotten crannies on that day, that big that they could end up letting it break if he wouldn’t do something.
“I would even understand If you don’t wanna listen now but..shit..well I think you should know that I meant what I said…you can be damn sure that I haven’t said that to anyone in a fucking longass time and I’m sure as shit not saying that easily, but I care a whole fucking lot about you. More than about anyone in a goddamn long time”, he said before you slowly turned your head and saw directly into his eyes while you nodded slowly, before you looked away again as you heard Negan sigh.
“Shit”, you just heard him curse to himself probably about being so dumb to open a bit up to you only to be rejected even though he knew that you had every right to.
You saw him standing up and about to walk before you tried for once to just let your emotions do the work.
You stood up, saw him looking at you before you did for the very first time the first step and slung your arms around him just to shortly after that feeling him pulling you deeply into his embrace, his arms as tight around you as yours were around him.
“I’m still mad at you”, you mumbled into the leather of his jacket.
“I fucking know, but believe it or not, I can live with that right now.”


tagging: @agespenst @imaginesforthepeople @reylo101 @squidgy84 @toxic-ink @nobodylastname @nice-shoes-nerd @thegirlwiththelyrics99 @tolieboy @writteninthestars288 @magical-spit @straightestgay-voice @xsnak-3x @myrabbitholetoneverland @dasani-saraai @negan–is–god @harry-titss @traumbruch

MASTERLIST

♡ means one of my personal favourites

Jin:

06. Him: Fluff!
He can’t seem to keep his eyes off you.

Namjoon:

11. Stay With Me: Suggestive Smut, Lumberjack!Namjoon AU.
namjoon aesthetic shit like y'all like up in the mountains or somethin in a lil cabin. (this request was so great i just had to include it in the masterlist)

Yoongi:

01. He Wasn’t Good with Words: Angst, Fluff? ♡
Based on Dead Leaves by BTS. You thought leaving him was best for him, but was it?

08. Anaxiphilia (Previously She Fell In Love with the Devil): BadBoy!Yoongi AU // Part 1, Part 2, Part 3,  Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12 (Part 13, Coming Soon)
“Once, was all it took. She drew me in, one look and I was hooked.” 

Hoseok:

03. In Every Way You Can ImagineFluff + Suggestive Smut ♡
You and Hobi had been friends for the longest time. You always thought of him as a protective older brother, but does Hobi feel the same way?

12. Heartthrob: Fuckboy!Hoseok AU // part 1, part 2 | drabbles
Hoseok finished his drink and lifted the trophy above his head, a smirk settling on his lips as the crowd chanted louder. His eyes found me in the crowd immediately. Hoseok’s eyes widened in shock when he noticed that I was wearing the dress he had bought me. His lips curved into a wide smirk as his eyes raked my figure almost approvingly. He lifted his gaze up to meet mine again and winked at me making my heart lurch in my chest.

Jimin:

05. If You Were Mine: Light Smut
A/N: This is release of sexual frustration because of that Jibooty post that’s been circulating.

09. See You Later On Angst+Fluff ♡
Summary: He saw you in the crowd, looking beautiful as ever. He looked at you, then looked away, sadly thinking to himself, “She’s just a fan.”
A/N: So, this based on a vine that I saw tonight on my newsfeed, I watched it for 15 minutes straight crying, and even though I’m not finished studying for today, I really needed to write this.

Taehyung:

04: Did My Kitten Miss Me While I’d Been Away?: Fluff + Suggestive Smut ♡
Your boyfriend has been away on tour for three months and you miss him so much that each night he comes to haunt you in your sleep.

07. I Need You: Angst, Fluff.
He is a drug, and you’re addicted.

Jungkook:

02. In Every Sense of the Word: Fluff (+ Suggestive Smut?) 
Jeon Jungkook never failed to make your heart flutter. Whenever you watched BTS preform from backstage, you eyes would never leave him. Everything about him was screaming perfection. His transformation into the man he is on stage amazed you the most. However his innocent smile and eyes when he’s offstage reminded you that he’s two years younger than you, you shouldn’t be feeling this way about him. You were his Noona.

10. it’s a war zone♡: Suggestive Smut + Fight me Jeon, High School AU, RichKid!Jungkook, Asshole!Jungkook

Quick Drabbles (?)

  1. Yoongi, BadBoy!Yoongi.
  2. Jungkook, Lost in Seoul.
  3. Taehyung, Backbencher.
  4. Jimin, Ecstasy.
  5. Jimin, Babysitting Adventures with Jimin.

Other things.~

  1. What would BTS do on a first date?
  2. Snapchat w/ Bangtan
  3. Texts w/ Bangtan
  4. Video Edits: Often Series | Good Boy | Wedding Dress

anonymous asked:

Hi! How do you think Eren, Armin, Levi, Erwin, Jean, Mike and Marco would react to their s/o dying on a mission to protect them? Thank youu!

[Warning! Mentions of feeling suicidal; spoilers from the manga. I hope these aren’t too depressing - I tried to make ‘em end on a good note but, that’s quite hard. Sorry XD. Also, there’s probably tons of grammar errors and misspelling. I have a migraine right now T_T ugh - mod max ]


Eren:

Guilt

 Eren hated it when people die - especially if they die for him. And the fact that this person is someone so dear to him just makes him more miserable. 

If people think that he was a suicidal maniac before, well, they better brace themselves now. Eren thinks that there’s literally nothing to lose - he is but a weapon. It just pains him knowing that his s/o won’t get to enjoy the future he’s fighting for. 

Keep reading

Imagine accidentally telling Ivar that you like him II

I’m really sorry, I’m a bit late. I was planing on posting this last night but something happened and I wasn’t able to. Hope you’ll enjoy. Still I apologize for all spelling or grammar mistakes.

That night was restless. Memories of what happened today were haunting you, not letting you to sleep. Lack of Ivar’s reaction and his blank face, like rope, wrapped around your chest and did not let you to breath. How could you be so stupid to develop feelings towards  Ivar the Emotionless?

Morning after sleepless night was -the morning-. Not only that you were about to go on your first raid, but you had to face consequences of you big mouth. Not to mention that you’ll be on boat with your father, Floki, Helga, Tanaruz and of course Ragnarsons. These fifteen  days will be nightmare.
When you arrived on shore of Kattegat, there was not a lot of people that you know. Most of them were warriors of earls who joined you to help revenge the Legend. Your father stayed to take care of one customer, so you had to come alone. You almost jumped out of joy when you noticed Floki near your boat. He was boarding supplies and weapons.
-Hi, Floki.- you said while grabbing one big box to help him. -Hey, Y/N.- He smiled, glad that somebody actually care to help him. Ubbe and Hvitserk should have done that by now but they were probably still sleeping.  -So, where are Helga and Tanaruz?- You asked to distract your mind with something rather than how boxes are heavy or  how you’ll survive fifteen days on boat with Ivar. -They went to gather some herbs in forest. In case somebody get wounded.- he explained.
Sun was getting higher in sky and shore was getting crowdier. You turned your head looking for you father. Instead you noticed five boys on one of the docks. Bjorn was shouting and wildly explaining something with his hands. -They could come and help us.- You snorted.  Floki made strange face expression. - They are sons of Ragnar. They are above this peasant work.- His sarcasm made you smile. You looked again in intention to figure out what Bjorn could be possibly be so angry for. But it was when you realized that pair of blue eyes were observing you. Uncomfortable feeling woke up in your stomach and your heart sped up.
Sharp pain on  finger made you snap your head back. Red, thick fluid was slowly running down to your palm and dripping on cause of you injury. Bunch of swords barely wrapped in thin layer of material. You bit your tongue not to curse. -You should watch what are you doing, Y/N.- Floki looked at you with amused grin. You raised your eyebrow at him. He obviously had something to say. -He came to me last night.-
Oh no. No. You hoped that Ivar would keep his mouth shut for once. -And?- you tried to sound not so interested as you were. -He asked me for advice.- Floki smirked. -About women. He asked what man should do if woman likes him. And when I ask him which girl is he talking about, he shrugged and said that he is only curious- You mentally sighed. -Why would you tell me that?- you tried to cover treble in your voice. Floki giggled.  -You know Y/N, telling Ivar that you love him is not so brave, but loving Ivar is brave.- Your heart dropped in your feet. -What are you talking about?- You narrowed your eyebrows. Acting was never your thing. -Floki is many things, but not blind.- With that, he jumped on boat.
-Y/N!- Hvitserk called. You turned around to face him. -Ivar wants to speak with you.- he pointed towards dock where Ivar sat alone now. -Why?- you asked defensively. -I don’t know.-
You could feel his gaze while you walked to him. You tried to ignore knot in your stomach that was making you sick. You had no idea how he could react. All these years of being around him only taught you that he is unpredictable. You could never guess his reaction. -Sit.- he commanded the moment you reached him. You hated when somebody tell you what to do, and he knows it, but now you were too anxious to care. You obeyed and sat next to him, still making some distance between you two.
Silence was tearing your soul and nerves and when you were sure he wasn’t going to tell anything soon, you snapped. -Ivar, you don’t have to feel obligated to like me just because I like you.- The thing that made you two so close is that you both attached hardly. People saw you as cold and selfish.- I know that is hard to develop love interest in someone.- You didn’t want him to feel pressure around you. That would hurt even more.
-I like you too.- -I know, it’s just…- You eyes widened. -Wait, what?- Your eyes met his ocean blue ones. - I love you, to be honest.- There was way too long silence before he continued. -I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to you. You deserve so much better than me.- For a moment, angry, frustrated Ivar was gone. -There is so much wrong with me. And yet you fell for me.- Vulnerable. The word you could never connect to Ivar. And there he was. His face expression calm and his voice soft. If your injury didn’t hurt that much you’d say it’s a dream. -Why?- he almost whispered.
Then, everything happened fast. You were leaning in and your lips met. He was surprised a bit, but didn’t think twice when he kissed you back. His lips so soft and warm that made you forget everything around you. It was just you and Ivar. You pulled away to take shaky breath. -Do I need reason to love you?-